11 Signs Your Child Is Too Competitive and What To Do About It

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4 days ago

Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD
We've all heard the saying: 'A little competition never hurt anyone.' In fact, you likely see a touch of competitiveness in just about everyone, including yourself. But how does competitiveness apply to kids? Experts say while competition is a natural part of human makeup that drives people, including kids, to do their best, it also can morph into something unhealthy—especially if your child cannot tolerate losing and struggles every time they are faced with challenges.
'Our brains are wired to compete,' explains Christina Lee, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Maryland. 'Competition can be a very positive drive to motivate you to do better and to learn to improve your performance. But the problem is in children who have underdeveloped brains and the inability to necessarily temper [emotions], impulsive competitiveness can spiral into the negative aspects like self-criticism or perfectionism.'
Dr. Less says unhealthy competitiveness may start with getting upset over losing a board game. Then, as your child gets a little bit older, they may start obsessing over their grades, insisting on being first in line, and even refusing to try hard things because they are afraid to fail, she says.
'When someone's self-worth starts becoming contingent on winning, achievements, or out-performing other people, that's where it's really time to take a closer look,' says Dr. Lee. 'An unhealthy competitive mindset can ultimately crowd out enjoyment, curiosity, and the healthy risk-taking that is needed to explore—and all the positive benefits of competitiveness go out the window when it starts going down that path.'
Understanding Competitive Behavior in Children
Competitiveness in children is often overt, says Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, LSC/PPS, NCC, associate professor and director of the CMHC/SC/TR Cert. Programs at Lebanon Valley College. Most kids haven't yet developed the nuanced mannerisms that allow them to conceal their competitiveness that adults typically acquire.
'While adults may be just as, if not more, competitive, they often hide it behind subtle behaviors, passive comments, or strategic social graces,' says Dr. Vejar. 'In contrast, children tend to express their competitiveness in more obvious ways, such as bragging, name-calling, or becoming hyper-emotional when they lose.'
Their emotional regulation is still developing, so their reactions tend to be worn on 'their sleeves,' she says. This isn't necessarily negative, as it offers clear insight into their thoughts and emotions, but it also means you need to teach them how to handle both winning and losing, as well as developing grace, empathy, and perspective, she says.
Here are some ways you might witness competitiveness in school, sports, and social interactions.
School: According to Dr. Vejar, kids may strive for the highest grades, as well as seek approval from teachers. 'On the positive side, this can motivate hard work, but it can also lead to stress or perfectionism, as well as cheating behavior.'
Sports: In sports, competition can be physical and aggressive, says Dr. Vejar. Kids may push themselves and their teammates, which can lead to burnout, resentment, and ultimately take the fun out of hobbies and activities, she says. Conversely, kids can move past their comfort levels and develop exceptional talent, she says.
Social interactions: In peer groups, Dr. Vejar says competition shows up as trying to be the most popular, have the trendiest clothes and technology, and get the most attention. This can manifest in appearance, talent, and social status, she says.
The Impact of Excessive Competitiveness
While a little bit of competition can be healthy for kids, Dr. Lee says too much can create chronic stress that can lead to burnout, de-prioritizing collaboration, and even lying about their accomplishments. It also can steal their joy for activities they once loved—especially in sports and other similar activities. In fact, the American Academy Pediatrics reports that 70% of kids quit organized sports by age 13 because of performance pressure and the amount of unhealthy competition they experience, she says.
'Excessive pressure [and unhealthy competitiveness] raises the risk for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and sleep issues,' says Dr. Lee. 'It can sometimes even lead to substance misuse in adolescence.'
Unhealthy competitiveness also can cause kids to disconnect from their core values and sense of self beyond the activity, adds Carla Allan, PhD, division chief of psychology for Phoenix Children's.
'Some may withdraw, freeze, or quit, while others may act out with intense, persistent anger towards peers, parents, coaches, or themselves—disrupting their overall quality of life,' says Dr. Allan. 'In most cases, without intervention, children will gradually show more frequent and intense signs of dysregulated behavior. For example, a child who exhibits physical aggression often displays verbal aggression first.'
As they get older they may even resort to cheating in order to win. And, if they are in sports, excessive competitiveness and a desire to be the best, can even lead to the use of performance enhancing drugs.
Signs Your Child Is Too Competitive
When kids are overly competitive, Dr. Lee says they may be reluctant to try new things or to undertake challenges, especially if they believe they might not succeed. They may fear failure and become withdrawn as a result. You also may see a lot of negative self-talk, self-criticism, extreme emotions after a loss, and an inability to recover from losses and failures, she says.
Here are some other signs of excessive competitiveness that our experts say you may witness:
Constant comparisons with peers
Fear of failure or not being good enough
Lack of collaboration or cooperation
Acting out after losing a competition or failing a test
Avoidance of competitions or sporting events
Boastful behavior or bragging and putting down others
Unable to be a team-player or share credit for winning
Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of self and others
Pressure to constantly perform or present a perfect image
Feelings of inadequacy or exclusion
Alienating friends or being rejected by others
The Role of Social Media
While social media, like TikTok and Instagram, can provide a platform for connection, it can also encourage competitive behaviors, especially in teens, says Judy Krause, EdD, executive director of Early Childhood Programs at Pacific Oaks College.
'These platforms often foster a sense of competition,' says Dr. Krause. 'While online, teens compare themselves with others, wanting to be popular. Peer pressure leads them to participate in virtual trends, which can be harmful.'
With social media, there's a built-in culture that emphasizes recognition, adds Dr. Vejar such as how many 'likes' one gets, how many friends they have, and the types of comments they get on a post. 'This can create pressure to constantly perform or present a perfect image, while also triggering feelings of inadequacy or exclusion such as FOMO [fear of missing out].'You can reduce these risks by setting time limits for screen time, encouraging real-world or offline friendships, and modeling healthy technology habits, says Dr. Vejar.
'The problem with social media is that it turns normal, every day life into a competition or a scoreboard,' adds Dr. Lee. 'It ends up perpetuating this idea that everyone's highlight reel is better…and there's a huge divide that makes kids feel terrible and fuels their anxiety. So, have open conversations with your kids about how social media is not real and is a very filtered version [of someone's life].'
Strategies for Parents to Encourage Healthy Competition
When it comes to competition, work with your kids to provide balance, says Dr. Krause. 'Rather than focusing on winning, concentrate on effort and accepting loss. Shift the focus to teamwork. Engage in conversations about feelings. Children are looking to [you] for support; be the model for finding the fun in the competition.'
If you are constantly focusing on accomplishments and winning, Dr. Lee says that's going to make your child feel bad when they don't obtain that. Instead, shift your focus to progress like comparing how a child did in the past and how they do now.
Dr. Lee says you can encourage healthy competition, instead. Here's how:
Praise effort over outcome: 'Research shows that kids who are praised for their hard work and their effort actually go on to develop much stronger resilience, can recover better from setbacks, and learn to cope with disappointment or frustration, when they feel supported and loved regardless of whether they win or lose,' she says.
Rotate sports and activities: Strive for a balance of competitive and non-competitive activities and avoid specializing in a sport too early, says Dr. Lee. 'The American Academy of Pediatrics against pigeon-holing them into being the sports player, gymnast, or cheerleader. Try different sports throughout the year and then take several months off from any single sport. You want your child to kind of figure out what they enjoy and what they would excel at doing. You also want to encourage teamwork and cooperation over winning.'
Model healthy and positive attitudes toward competition: Achievements should be celebrated, says Dr. Lee. But they're also not representative of who your child is. 'Anybody can have a good or bad day, so it's important to teach children how to keep a healthy perspective. It's also important to encourage kids to prioritize rest and recovery. It's not an optional thing; it's essential and helps reduce burnout," she explains.
Talk about what success means: So many young people think success is all about winning, says Dr. Lee. 'But if you teach your child that success might mean being a good person, being a good teammate, being supportive, trying something new, or doing something even when you know that you're going to fail you have redefined the term success and redefined the term winning. That can help build long-term confidence.
Remind them that having fun is the goal: The reason why children start doing competitive things like sports is because they are fun, says Dr. Lee. 'So, remind them that having fun should be the goal, not winning. Also encourage them to try something new and not just focus on the things they are good at.'
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