Gallup Poll: Half of School Leaders Say Finding a Good Math Teacher is Tough
Nearly half of 1,471 education leaders who responded to the analytics company's December query reported that the task was 'very challenging' and far worse than finding strong English language or social studies applicants.
'The pool of certified math teachers is small, and the demand is high, particularly for candidates who are ready to support student learning from day one,' said Nicole Paxton, assistant principal and athletic director of Mountain Vista Community School in Colorado Springs. 'In our district, we've experienced a growing number of math openings with only a handful of candidates to consider — many of whom are international applicants requiring sponsorship or visas.'
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Another new study lends insight into a possible reason why: Only 1 in 8 elementary teacher preparation programs nationwide devote adequate time to teaching fundamental math content topics, including numbers and operations, algebraic thinking, geometry and measurement — plus data analysis and probability.
The National Council on Teacher Quality, which released the teacher preparation study April 8, found the average undergraduate program dedicates 85 hours of instructional time to foundational math content knowledge — 20 hours short of what the organization recommends.
Graduate programs devote even less time to the topic — 14 hours total — with only 5% meeting or approaching the minimum recommendation of 150 hours. The council said 22% of undergraduate programs earned an 'F' for their performance in this area: More than 80% of graduate level programs also earned this failing grade.
'Teachers need to know how to do more than just follow the steps in math to get the right answer,' Heather Peske, the organization's president, said in a statement. 'They need to know why those steps work. It's like the difference between a basketball player and a coach. The player can learn their role and follow directions, but the coach needs to understand the bigger picture, the why behind every move.'
Michael Rubin, principal of Uxbridge High School in Massachusetts, roughly 60 miles southwest of Boston, said finding high-quality teachers of any subject is difficult, particularly in math and science.
'When we deal with even more advanced levels of mathematics, with highly specialized content, the number of educators is even more limited,' he said. 'My father was a math teacher for 39 years, and not a year has gone by since he retired nine years ago where a principal has not reached out and asked him if he is willing or able to come in to teach, tutor or substitute.'
Indeed, Gallup poll responders said the problem was even more acute in later grades where the math curriculum gets harder: 64% of principals said this was 'very challenging' at the high school level versus 56% at the middle school and 23% at the elementary level.
The struggle can also be seen in lower-income and rural communities, like Sheridan County School District #3 in Clearmont, Wyoming, which enrolls just 83 students K-12. Chase Christensen, who serves as both superintendent and district principal, said staff are frequently asked to take on other roles.
Next fall, he said, a physical education teacher will lead advanced mathematics classes — they will focus on pre-algebra, geometry, statistics and probability — at the middle school level while he works toward earning his certification in that subject. Christensen said he's grateful for his staff's' flexibility.
'When we all sit down and take a hard look at what the needs of the school are, people just step up and we figure out how it is going to work,' he said.
Stephanie Marken, a senior partner at Gallup leading its U.S. custom research division, said schools' trouble finding quality math instructors is particularly concerning because these teachers play a pivotal role in making this often tough subject palatable.
'If you have a highly engaged teacher who's really committed and qualified in that subject area, we know that it brings math education to life in a way that you just can't do otherwise,' Marken said.
Math anxiety, the fear that students — and their teachers — share about this subject further harms their opportunity and ability to succeed in it.
'We know that a lot of students have negative emotions surrounding math and that there's a lot of pressure that math places upon students,' Marken said. 'We know that the teacher makes a big difference in breaking down math and making it feel really relevant and achievable.'
Paxton, of Colorado Springs, said her district employs several strategies to manage the problem. It supports teachers on visas and those coming from alternative certification pathways through monthly meetings that focus on best practices, classroom management and cultural assimilation.
It also works with Teach for America, which has, for three decades, recruited college graduates to teach in high-need schools for two years. Plus, it's built a solid relationship with its local university's teacher training program and has launched a 'grow your own' pipeline to support teacher aides in earning their bachelor's degrees, completing internships in the district and ultimately becoming licensed teachers there.
'These layered supports and creative recruitment efforts are our response to a national challenge,' Paxton said.
Gallup's Math Matters Study went beyond schools' issues with hiring to families' experience on campus: While roughly a third of the 808 parents who responded said their children receive some math tutoring, only 13% received such help more than weekly. Gallup notes that prior research shows high-quality math tutoring can improve achievement by an additional three to 15 months of learning, 'but the most impactful tutoring programs must include frequent sessions — three times a week or more.'
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Roughly a third of parents said they would enroll their child in tutoring if it was available or more accessible.
Parents also reported a lack of communication about the subject on the part of educators: One in six said they 'never' hear from their child's school about the goals for their child's math learning or what their student is learning in math class.
The survey showed, too, a lack of understanding — and consensus — among educators about what constitutes high-quality instructional materials, curriculum aligned to college- and career-ready standards: 37% of all education leaders said they were 'not at all familiar' with or 'not very familiar with' the concept.
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Sixty-eight percent of school superintendents and 46% of school principals said their building or district had no official definition of the term. But when supplied with a definition by Gallup, which identified high-quality instructional materials as those 'which are standards-aligned and use evidence-based practices for the content area,' 69% said most or all of their math curriculum qualified.
Professional development proved an added challenge. Thirty-nine percent of educators surveyed rated their own school's math-related professional development as 'fair' or 'poor.' This statistic was worse at the high school level where 6% said it was poor and 39% said it was fair.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation sponsored the Math Matters Study and provides financial support to The 74.
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Yahoo
9 hours ago
- Yahoo
15 Phrases That Reveal You're Talking To Someone Who Will Never Take Responsibility
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation where you just know the other person won't own up to their actions? It's like talking to a wall that deflects everything you say. These folks have a knack for dodging accountability, and it can be super frustrating. If you've ever felt like you're going in circles during a discussion, chances are you've encountered someone who just won't take responsibility. Here are 15 phrases you'll hear from someone who's a pro at passing the buck. 1. "It's Not My Fault." Hearing "It's not my fault" is like a red flag waving in your face. You know you're dealing with someone who's more interested in sidestepping blame than finding a solution. These folks often have a slew of reasons why things went wrong, and none of them have to do with their own actions. They believe that the universe conspires against them, and they're just an innocent bystander. According to Dr. John Grohol, founder of Psych Central, this mentality is a classic sign of a deflective personality. When someone defaults to this phrase, it might seem like they genuinely believe they're not at fault. But dig a little deeper, and you'll often find they're just uncomfortable with self-reflection. Admitting fault can feel like a huge blow to their ego, so they avoid it altogether. Over time, this can create a pattern where they never grow or learn from their mistakes. Instead of improving, they stay stuck in a cycle of blaming the world around them. 2. "You Made Me Do It." Blame-shifters love this phrase because it takes the heat off them and puts it squarely on you. It's a clever way of saying they had no control over their actions, and you were the puppet master pulling the strings. The idea is to make you feel guilty for their poor choices, which is both unfair and manipulative. It's a classic technique for evading responsibility and shifting the spotlight away from their own behavior. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, you know how it can leave you questioning your own actions. The reality is, no one can make someone else do something against their will. This phrase is just a smokescreen to avoid facing up to their own decisions. When you hear it, it's a sign that the person lacks the emotional maturity to admit their part in the situation. They're likely to repeat the same mistakes because they haven't taken the time to learn from them. Instead of accepting their role, they choose to play the victim, hoping you'll buy into their narrative. 3. "I Was Just Joking." This phrase often emerges when someone's been caught saying or doing something inappropriate. By brushing it off as a "joke," they're trying to downplay the seriousness of their actions. It's a way to deflect criticism and make you second-guess your reaction. According to psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler, humor can be used as a defense mechanism to avoid uncomfortable truths. This tactic can leave you questioning whether you're overreacting or being too sensitive. It's important to recognize that genuine jokes make people feel good, not uncomfortable. When someone tries to mask hurtful behavior as humor, it's a sign they're not willing to take responsibility for their words. This deflection can strain relationships and create a hostile environment. It's not about lacking a sense of humor; it's about understanding the impact of one's words. People who habitually resort to this phrase often struggle with accountability, preferring instead to hide behind laughter. 4. "I Didn't Mean To." "I didn't mean to" is a phrase that's thrown around casually, but it often serves a deeper purpose. It's an attempt to minimize the consequences of one's actions by suggesting they were unintentional. While intentions do matter, they don't erase the impact of what's been done. This phrase can lead to a cycle of repeating the same mistakes without learning from them. By focusing solely on their intent, the person neglects the need to make amends or change their behavior. When you hear this, it's crucial to look at patterns rather than isolated incidents. If someone frequently resorts to "I didn't mean to," it might indicate they lack awareness of how their actions affect others. They may also be trying to dodge the effort required to repair the situation. The absence of malice doesn't absolve them from taking responsibility. Growth comes from acknowledging mistakes and actively working to prevent them in the future. 5. "Everyone Else Does It." This phrase is an attempt to dilute personal accountability by pointing out that the behavior is widespread. The logic is that if everyone else is doing something, it must be acceptable. But according to ethical psychologist Dr. Linda Elder, this mindset can lead to a dangerous erosion of personal values. It creates a culture of conformity where individual responsibility is overshadowed by group behavior. By justifying actions with this phrase, people avoid facing their unique role in the situation. The danger of this mentality is that it discourages personal growth and self-improvement. People become complacent, thinking that if the masses do something, it's somehow less wrong. It's a convenient way to skirt responsibility without facing any real consequences. When you're stuck in this mindset, you miss out on opportunities to learn from your mistakes. Instead of using others as a benchmark, it's crucial to hold yourself to your own standards. 6. "That's Just Who I Am." This phrase is a favorite among those who prefer to avoid change. By declaring "That's just who I am," they're essentially saying they have no intention of altering their behavior. It's a way to shut down any conversation about self-improvement or accountability. This statement implies that their personality is fixed and immutable, which can be a cop-out for not taking responsibility. While everyone has traits that define them, this doesn't mean they can't evolve. When someone uses this phrase, it often signals an unwillingness to engage in introspection. They might see their behavior as an intrinsic part of their identity, which is why they resist change. Yet, personal growth requires a willingness to adapt and learn from experiences. By hiding behind this phrase, they're choosing stagnation over development. Embracing change doesn't mean losing oneself; it means becoming a better version of oneself. 7. "You're Too Sensitive." When you're told "You're too sensitive," it feels like a dismissal of your emotions. This phrase is often wielded by those who wish to invalidate your feelings while deflecting their responsibility. According to Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on vulnerability and empathy, dismissing someone's emotions can prevent meaningful connections. It's a way to sidestep accountability by making it seem like the problem lies with you, rather than their actions. This tactic can leave you feeling isolated and questioning your emotional responses. It's important to stand firm in your feelings and recognize when someone is using this phrase as a deflection. Your emotions are valid, and being sensitive isn't a flaw. When someone tells you otherwise, it's usually because they're uncomfortable with the consequences of their actions. They might not want to face the discomfort of having hurt someone, so they pin the blame on your sensitivity. Understanding this can help you see through the deflection and maintain your sense of self-worth. 8. "I Was Having A Bad Day." Everyone has bad days, but using them as an excuse to dodge responsibility is another story. When someone says, "I was having a bad day," they're trying to justify their behavior without acknowledging the impact it had. It's a way to make you feel like their actions were out of their control due to external circumstances. This phrase often serves as a temporary band-aid rather than a solution. It might explain the behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Understanding that everyone goes through tough times is important, but it shouldn't be a free pass for negative actions. Bad days don't give anyone the right to mistreat others or evade accountability. When someone consistently uses this excuse, it might signal an unwillingness to develop better coping mechanisms. Instead of taking responsibility, they're attributing their actions to things outside their control. Real growth comes from recognizing your impact on others, regardless of the kind of day you're having. 9. "You Know How I Am." This phrase is a cousin to "That's just who I am," and serves a similar purpose. It's a blanket statement meant to excuse behavior by implying it's an unchangeable part of their character. By saying "You know how I am," they place the onus on you to accept their behavior, rather than on themselves to improve. It's a tactic that discourages further discussion or criticism. The implication is that if you know them well enough, you should tolerate their actions without expecting change. However, knowing someone well doesn't mean you have to accept their poor behavior. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, and part of that is being willing to adapt and grow together. When someone uses this phrase, it's often a sign they're resisting accountability. They're signaling that they're not interested in taking steps toward bettering themselves. Realizing this can help you understand whether they're willing to work on themselves or are stuck in their ways. 10. "You're Overreacting." Being told "You're overreacting" can make you question the validity of your feelings. It's another way people deflect responsibility, making it seem like your response is exaggerated rather than addressing the issue at hand. This phrase can undermine your confidence and make you second-guess your perceptions. It's often used to dismiss genuine concerns without taking them seriously. Instead of addressing the root cause, it shifts the focus to your reaction. When you hear this phrase, it's vital to trust your instincts and recognize it for the deflection it is. Your feelings are your own, and they shouldn't be dismissed because someone else is uncomfortable with them. This tactic often stems from an unwillingness to look at how their actions contributed to the situation. By labeling your reactions as overblown, they avoid having to take responsibility. Understanding this dynamic can help you maintain your self-assurance and not get swayed by their words. 11. "It's Not That Big Of A Deal." Dismissing a situation with "It's not that big of a deal" is a classic way to downplay its significance. This phrase is often used to make you feel like you're making mountains out of molehills, even if the issue is serious. It's an attempt to minimize the impact of their actions and avoid addressing the consequences. By belittling the situation, they're trying to deflect accountability and put you on the defensive. This tactic is about making you feel like you're overemphasizing the issue. However, if something matters to you, it is a big deal, and it deserves acknowledgment. Minimizing a problem doesn't make it go away; it just buries it temporarily. When someone frequently uses this phrase, it signals a reluctance to engage with the gravity of their actions. Instead of dismissing your concerns, they should be listening and working toward resolution. Recognizing this mindset can help you advocate for your feelings without getting overshadowed by their deflection. 12. "I Was Just Following Orders." Claiming "I was just following orders" is a classic way to dodge responsibility by shifting it to a higher authority. It's a phrase that absolves personal accountability by suggesting they were merely a cog in a larger machine. This tactic is often used to justify actions without taking ownership of them. By putting the blame on someone else's directive, they avoid examining their own role. It's a way to deflect criticism and shirking responsibility for the outcome. While following directives is often necessary, it doesn't absolve someone of the consequences of their actions. Everyone has a personal responsibility to consider the impact of what they're doing. Using this phrase frequently can indicate a lack of critical thinking and an unwillingness to stand up for what's right. It's an avoidance tactic that prevents growth and perpetuates a lack of accountability. Recognizing this can help you understand when someone is trying to deflect rather than address their behavior. 13. "Nobody Told Me." When you hear "Nobody told me," it's usually an attempt to sidestep responsibility by claiming ignorance. This phrase suggests that the person is only accountable for what they are explicitly told, rather than actively seeking information. It's a way to deflect blame by implying that the fault lies with others for not keeping them informed. However, this mindset disregards the importance of taking initiative and being proactive. It's a convenient excuse for avoiding accountability. While it's true that communication is a two-way street, relying solely on others for information can be a cop-out. Everyone has the responsibility to seek out the knowledge they need to fulfill their obligations. Using this phrase frequently suggests a lack of ownership over their actions and decisions. By shifting the blame to external sources, they dodge the need for self-improvement. Recognizing this pattern can help you see through their deflection and understand their reluctance to take responsibility. 14. "It's Just The Way Things Are." Saying "It's just the way things are" is a way to shrug off responsibility by implying that the situation is unchangeable. This phrase suggests a resignation to circumstances, rather than a willingness to challenge or improve them. It's an attempt to deflect accountability by making it seem like there are no alternatives. However, this mindset ignores the potential for growth and positive change. It's a convenient excuse for maintaining the status quo. While some aspects of life are out of our control, many things can be influenced by our actions. Resorting to this phrase indicates a reluctance to engage with the effort required to make a difference. It's a signal that the person isn't interested in taking proactive steps toward improvement. By recognizing this mindset, you can better understand when someone is deflecting responsibility rather than embracing opportunities for change. It's about choosing to be part of the solution rather than resigning to the problem. 15. "I Didn't Think It Would Matter." This phrase is an admission, albeit indirect, of negligence. By saying "I didn't think it would matter," the person acknowledges their actions but minimizes their significance. It's a way to deflect by suggesting the outcome was unforeseen and therefore not their fault. However, this mindset reflects a lack of foresight and consideration for the impact of their actions. It's a way to dodge accountability by claiming ignorance of the consequences. While not everything can be predicted, using this phrase frequently signals a lack of responsibility for one's actions. It suggests that they're not taking the time to consider the potential outcomes of their behavior. This mindset can lead to repeated mistakes and a cycle of deflection instead of learning. Recognizing this phrase for what it is can help you understand when someone is trying to skirt responsibility. It's about encouraging reflection and the willingness to acknowledge the broader effects of one's actions. Solve the daily Crossword


Fast Company
15 hours ago
- Fast Company
The quality employees need most right now from their leaders may surprise you
The question of what people need from their leaders has many answers. However, recent Gallup research found that respondents from 52 countries were asked to list three words describing what positive leaders add to their daily life, hope emerged as the primary need, cited by 56% of respondents. Trust followed at a distant second with 33% while compassion (7%) and stability (4%) lagged far behind. According to the research, followers are significantly more likely to say they need to see hope in those who lead organizations (64%) than among other leaders who might work within the same organization, e.g., managers (59%) and colleagues (58%). In other words, the more senior a leader is within an organization, the more followers look to them for hope and inspiration. At first, the results were somewhat surprising to Jim Harter, Gallup's chief scientist of workplace management and well-being, who thought 'stability' might have led the list. However, once he started digging into the answers and the discussion points in the survey, 'hope' made sense after all. 'I think that it's hard to have a sense of stability if you can't see the future. And I think that's why hope is so foundational,' he says. During the last recession, he was doing research about how people felt about their standard of living. 'The people who felt that they had a leader who encouraged their development had a much more positive view of their standard of living and their future,' he says. 'When people have a concept of where they're headed, that's part of hope.' Hope is active, not passive Perhaps predictably, Lindsay Recknell says she wasn't at all surprised at this research. The self-named 'expert in hope' and host of the Hope Motivates Action podcast, Recknell consults with businesses about the power of hope in the workplace and how to cultivate it. Recknell says that while 'hope' has many meanings depending on context, she focuses on the 'hope theory,' which was developed by the late C.R. 'Rick' Snyder, a psychology professor at the University of Kansas. Recknell describes hope theory is a formula that defines hope as goals (what we want to achieve or have happen) plus 'agency thinking' (our motivation or the intrinsic 'why' for doing something), plus pathways thinking (our ability to overcome obstacles to the outcome we want). She finds defining hope in this way is particularly useful and effective during periods of uncertainty. 'A leader can go to their team member and say, 'Stuff is really hard right now. Let's focus on what we can control.' Well, what can we control? You can control your goals, your desires, your dreams, the things that you want to work on, that you want to take action toward. All of a sudden, when somebody has something to look forward to that's already kicking off the hope cycle, that's already kicking off this idea of creating a future better than today,' she says. Organizational psychologist Aymee Coget, author of Happiness for Humankind Playbook: Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps, says the absence of any of those three components can lead to hopelessness. 'The leader's job is to create all three, and the person needs to have goals that they're aware of and they buy into that are realistic for them,' she says. 'They have to have a pathway.' Cultivating hope Harter says that the research unveiled other leadership actions and behaviors that are linked to hope in the workplace. 'One item we ask about leaders that I think links really strongly to hope is whether people feel that their leader makes them feel enthusiastic about the future,' he says. Part of that is helping people understand what their role is and helping them set and understand tangible and realistic goals that will help their situations change. Another aspect is to help them connect to the purpose in their work. 'To have hope, people need resources to do the work—that's the agency part—and they need a larger purpose to connect their work to. People find purpose in many different ways, but I would argue it's a basic human need,' he says. Recknell also makes a distinction between hope and optimism, saying that, while hopeful people and optimistic people both look toward a time when things will get better, hopeful people put in the work to make that happen. Harter echoes that sentiment. 'Hope isn't just telling people things are going to be great, it's helping them see how they can be great and how they can be in tough times, how they can be a part of defining the future instead of being victimized by the present,' he says.


CNN
3 days ago
- CNN
Some of you are bad friends, and that's why you're lonely
FacebookTweetLink Every time I host or attend an event, I'm astounded at how terribly inconsiderate some people are — multiple last-minute cancellation texts or guests who've simply gone MIA have become all too common. It leads me to believe that the measly effort some think they owe their friends these days must be a factor in the growing epidemic of loneliness and lack of community — despite all the research showing how much relationships boost our well-being and longevity. In the United States, 1 in 5 adults said they felt loneliness 'a lot of the day yesterday,' according to an October 2024 Gallup survey. Oddly, the importance of the event doesn't matter — it has happened with Halloween parties, New Year's Eve celebrations, housewarmings, baby showers and even weddings. And I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons, such as doctors on call. It's those of you — even very good friends — who flake for trivial reasons, seemingly without a second thought. To keep your relationships from deteriorating, experts and my loved ones shared thoughts on why this is happening and how you can avoid being that bad friend. Dropping off food for a sick friend, picking up someone's mail, taking someone to the airport — these things happened frequently when religious congregations, societies and neighborhoods were tightly bound. Many people still want this network, but it seems fewer want or know how to do the work necessary to build it. Chicago-based photographer Rachel Lovely went viral in March for her TikTok video on tips for becoming a 'better villager,' inspired by her mother, who Lovely praised as being 'the No. 1 villager in my life.' 'I saw a quote that said, 'Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager,'' Lovely said in the video. Underneath, the thousands of comments are rife with frustrations about others' refusal to engage, ask for help, help others, stay in touch or be more considerate. For Danielle Bayard Jackson, a women's relational health educator, the question of what we owe friends comes up often in her conversations with clients. 'Obligation, responsibility, duty, inconvenience, commitment — those are not sexy words. But those concepts are inherent to a deep and healthy relationship,' Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, said. Not abiding by those values is likely making you a bad friend. Consider the last time a loved one asked you to help them move. Many people dread this request, stressing about the back-and-forth trips, physical labor and time involved. That may be due to the modern culture of outsourcing more labor-based needs to businesses, or to resigning friendship to a pastime, Jackson said. Still, able-bodied people having this attitude baffles me, and I think it needs a serious adjustment. When I help someone move, I'm assisting in closing one chapter of growth and memories, some of which I was present for, and opening the next. I'm helping to save them the cost of hiring movers and speeding up the daunting settling-in process by helping them unpack and put things where they belong. During all that, we're also getting in quality time, creating more memories and probably eating a pizza, too. Isn't all of that worth a little physical strain and a few hours of your weekend? It's also good for me. Helping others is associated with living longer and with a greater sense of purpose, joy, community and belonging, studies have found. These investments in relationships also can boost well-being by improving your mood and self-esteem by making you feel like a valuable person, Jackson said. Nothing beats knowing that when life hits the fan, certain people have my back with actions, not just nice words. It makes us more resilient to stressors, experts said. The timely RSVP — an abbreviation of 'répondez s'il vous plaît,' a French phrase meaning 'please respond' — is a social custom that exists for a reason but seems to be losing importance in some people's minds. A prompt response helps your friend know how much food, extra chairs or supplies they'll need to buy. If you say yes, they know what to look forward to and, if you can't go, what disappointments to process in advance. Canceling last minute or simply not showing up for no good reason communicates that you don't care about or are oblivious to your friend's finances, emotions, energy and time. You're also not realizing that others may do the same, which can shrink the guest list and hurt your friend's feelings. Such was the case at a recent New Year's Eve party hosted by my close friend, whom I'll call Fiona for her privacy. Half the attendees didn't show, even though some of them had actually asked her to host it. She bought decorations, spent $200 on food that respected people's dietary restrictions and ran multiple errands to get everything. The incident sent Fiona back to sixth grade, when she invited all the girls in her class to a sleepover party for her 12th birthday, she said. 'I was so excited, and my mom and I put a lot of thought into invitations and stuff, and only two girls showed up.' The no-shows 'brought me back to that moment of being so disappointed and feeling almost betrayed,' she added. 'Because I'm like, 'OK, I thought you were my friend, and you said you were excited to come to my party, but you didn't, and that really hurt my feelings.' I just felt like 12-year-old (Fiona) again.' A few people had valid excuses, but others didn't even say they could no longer make it. 'If I didn't reach out to see if you were coming, you would not have told me, and that's the biggest issue, because I'm already doing a lot as a host,' Fiona recalled thinking. 'Just put on your big girl or big boy pants and tell me what's going on.' Another loved one of mine, called Lisa for privacy, experienced the same issues at her and her husband's Friendsgiving dinner, her husband's birthday party, their combined housewarming-gender reveal party and their baby shower — crazy, right? 'I think that's partly a post-Covid thing,' she said. 'There's been an increase in people prioritizing their own time or just not seeing social gatherings as important as they used to.' Now, Lisa sees a difference between people who found creative and safe ways to maintain connection no matter the odds during the pandemic, and those who resigned themselves to solitude. Canceling should only happen for emergencies or serious extenuating circumstances, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't one of those situations. What is a real excuse is when Fiona dropped out of my birthday party the day of because her longtime friend was finally getting a kidney transplant and wanted her there. In our six years of friendship, that's the only time she has done that. Even when you have a less serious complication, you can compromise. When a friend of Fiona's had a birthday celebration on the same day as Fiona and her husband's dating anniversary, Fiona attended the dinner but not the karaoke after-party. Prioritize whether you'll be happy you went over whether you want to go, Franco advised. Honoring your well-being requires you to consider not only your current feelings, but also what's best long-term. Inconsistency isn't honoring your well-being, as it weakens the friendships that are critical for it. 'When I walk into the room and give my friend a hug and they say, 'Oh, I'm so glad that you came; I was really excited to see you' — that means more to me than me staying home and being in my feelings,' Fiona said. Note to the person often on the receiving end of cancellations: Like Fiona did, be honest about how that makes you feel instead of always replying, 'No worries!' Jackson said. Not only is this response dishonest and self-sacrificing; it also enables your friend's inconsiderate behavior and false perception of their importance to you. Before you RSVP, ensure your 'yes' is a thoughtful one, Jackson and Franco said. Don't commit to weeknight pickleball when you anticipate canceling after work. But if you're regularly declining invitations, your time management skills might need work. When I commit to plans, I try to organize my life in ways that help ensure I fulfill that commitment. If I need to write two stories between Wednesday and Sunday, then have nothing done by Saturday and cancel because I need to work, I've failed to protect and value my time with that person. And frequently double-booking yourself as an adult in this digital age makes no sense. Keep a calendar and check it before you RSVP yes. Whenever you realize a mistake, Lisa finds that generally, honoring whatever you first committed to is the most respectful choice. If you're frequently noncommittal or unengaged in your friendships and the reasons why aren't obvious — such as knowing you're socially anxious or that you tend to be selfish — it's time for a deeper assessment. Maybe you're incompatible with your current friends and their interests, values or standards for friendship, and need new friends, Jackson said. Being an absentee friend can also be due to issues that call for therapy — such as low self-esteem, hyper-independence or an avoidant attachment style, or cynicism, all of which can hinder the vulnerability necessary for connection and growth in relationships, sources said. You may be underestimating how much you matter to people, or maybe you don't think you're likable, so you don't respect people who like you. Conversely, self-confidence, trustworthiness and willingness to trust others are three of 13 traits some psychologists have concluded are what make a good friend, Jackson said. After previously having several bad friends, Lisa sometimes still has difficulty trusting her new ones. 'I have to ask myself, 'OK, am I being triggered right now? Is there something I haven't healed from or forgiven? Is somebody actually doing something to me or am I just afraid that something's going to happen again?'' she said. She also tries to consider the facts and quickly ask people about their intentions and feelings instead of making assumptions. It's also important to learn the distinctions between healthy, necessary sacrifice despite the inconvenience or your mood, when sacrifice stems from over-giving or people-pleasing, and when you're being selfish. Boundaries are important, but for some people they've swung so far over to toxically focusing on oneself no matter the impact on others, Franco said. If you feel you're entitled to cancel whenever you want and that you still deserve future invitations, that's not a boundary. It's a selfish desire for permission to act on your whims regardless of how that behavior affects others. Lastly, becoming a better friend may begin with honest conversations, Jackson said. Tell your friends you're trying to be more intentional about friendship and ask how they think you have been doing. If they openly share how you have fallen short, don't take that as an attack or rejection or isolate yourself in shame. Take it on the chin, be grateful for the feedback and view it as an opportunity for growth. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, people wouldn't bring it up if they didn't care about you and their need to feel cherished, not disposable. Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.