What Is 'Soiling the Nest'—and Why Your Teen Might Be Acting Out Before Leaving Home

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4 days ago

As parents, we often expect our child's transition from home to be one filled with happy memory-making and bonding. Instead, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation that makes absolutely no sense. Before our child spreads their wings and leaves there may be flaring tempers, rebellion, and angry outbursts—which may leave many of us hurt, scratching our heads, and wondering what exactly is going on.
Some mental health professionals refer to this phenomenon as 'soiling the nest,'—the period of time before your adult child leaves home that is often marked by increased tension and conflict. In place of the sweet memories, long talks, and frequent hugs we expect, we find our house is filled with friction, confusion, and disappointment.
Keep reading to find out why soiling the nest happens, what you can do about it, and why it actually might be perfectly normal behavior.
"Soiling the nest" is a psychological term describing a phenomenon where teens, as they prepare to leave home, engage in conflict or negative behavior in order to make the transition easier, says Samantha Potthoff, MA, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of The Therapy Collective of California.
'The phrase originates from observations in nature, particularly in birds, where fledglings may disrupt their nests before leaving, signaling readiness for independence,' says Potthoff. 'In humans, the transition from child to teenager to adult can be marked with tension or distance to ease the transition.'
She says signs your teen might "soiling the nest" include:
Criticizing family rules
Picking fights over trivial matters
Rejecting family traditions
Expressing disdain for parental habits
Complaining about meals they once enjoyed
Mocking family values
Withdrawing emotionally
Creating tension and drama frequently
Testing boundaries
'This behavior serves an unconscious emotional function,' says Potthoff. 'It helps teens manage the anxiety of leaving home by making separation feel more necessary or deserved. Conflict creates emotional distance, reducing the guilt or fear of abandoning their family. It also allows them to test their autonomy.'
When preparing to leave the home or go to college, teenagers are in the process of developing their own identities and asserting independence, says Robin Hershkowitz, MSW, LCSW-R, the associate vice chancellor for the Office of Student Mental Health and Wellness and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at New York Medical College.
Hershkowitz says the trust that exists between you and your teen helps them not only feel safe with you, but also in the world. So, when they are approaching young adulthood, they are confident enough to explore, develop, differentiate, and consolidate their own identities.
'It is critical to understand that this behavior is not a rejection of the parent-child relationship; it is instead a mechanism for the teen to navigate their own transition into adulthood,' says Hershkowitz.
Teens are in the phase of exploring their roles, discovering their adult selves, and seeking independence, she explains. Fear around the upcoming adjustment, anticipatory anxiety, and positive emotions such as excitement can also trigger them to act out.
'So, their response is a way to cope with those negative or conflicting feelings by helping them create space and emotional distance from their caregivers,' she says.
Keep in mind that your teen is wired for separation, says Brandy Schumann, PhD, LPC-S, NCC, RPT-STM, CCPT-S, CPRT-S, a licensed professional counselor and clinical professor at SMU.
In this stage, teens tend to be emotional, impulsive, reactive as they try to make sense of big feelings and adjust to their newfound independence.
'Leaving home, even when exciting, is still a loss, for both parent and child,' she says. '[Teens] are trying to figure out who they are outside the family structure. They've likely outgrown the role they are currently in and are in transition to fit in the next. And that's messy.'
Unfortunately, parents sometimes interpret the same behavior as rejection or failure, she says. But for many teens, it reassuring to know that there's a safe space for them to express themselves.
'NurtureShock by Po Bronson explains this beautifully,' says Schumann. 'Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved.'"Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved"Remember, your teen's behaviors are not motivated by a desire to cause harm, says Hershkowitz. 'It may feel like they are intentionally trying to cause distress, but in fact they are working something out. Their ability to be emotional and show that reflects that they feel safe enough with you to do so. The distinction here is crucial.'
It's also important not to confuse this normal developmentally-appropriate behavior with toxic behavior. Hershkowitz says toxic behavior would look different, such as making choices that are reckless, causing harm to themself or others, and abusing substances. Unhealthy behavior also include aggression, isolation, and withdrawal from friends and family, she says.
'Emotionally, [toxic behavior] would look like intense, prolonged changes in mood—including chronic irritability, or sadness,' says Hershkowitz. 'Anything that persists for two weeks or longer, consistently, should be evaluated by a mental health professional.'
If you're having trouble determining whether your teen is behaving normally or not, Schumann suggests asking yourself: Does your teen come back to center eventually, even if things get tense? Are there still glimpses of affection, humor, or connection? If the answer is yes, it's likely part of the natural push-pull of launching, she explains.
'Toxic behavior usually lacks that return-to-relationship and often involves ongoing harm or disrespect with no accountability,' says Schumann. 'It's important not to take these moments too personally or mistake emotional growth for rejection.'
If you find that your teen is soiling the nest, Veronica Lichtenstein, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Veronica Listens, suggests staying calm and communicating with your soon-to-be young adult.
If you're feeling particularly emotional, it can help to mark your calendar for two to three campus visits each year. Not only do you have something to look forward to, but visual reassurance eases separation anxiety for both of you, says Lichtenstein. Also, prioritize FaceTime over text—seeing their face can reveal more than emojis ever could, she says.
'Even with all my training, this shift is a big one,' says Schumann, whose daughter is gearing up to leave for college in the fall. 'The grief of letting go is real. I've found myself missing the old rhythms of our relationship and sometimes feeling completely off-balance. But in the middle of all that, I've also gotten to witness who she's becoming and that's been deeply moving.'
It also dawned on Schumann that parents are going through a developmental stage, too. 'We don't talk about it much, but we should. While our kids are launching, we're adjusting emotionally, mentally, and financially. Many of us are also part of the sandwich generation—supporting aging parents while parenting kids who are technically adults but still fully on our phone plans, health insurance, and…our tax returns.'According to Hershkowitz, feeling sad or upset does not mean something is wrong, or that you are not happy your teen is going to college and growing up. Instead, it reflects the strong relationship you built and is a natural, justified response to this life transition, she says. Here are some ways she says you can ground yourself during this transition.
Embrace change. Change is a constant part of life, and by allowing for this change without challenging it can be adaptive, she says. Also, allow yourself time to adjust to your new normal.
Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment, she says.
Maintain a sense of normalcy. Having structure and routine can support transitions and help you feel organized and grounded, she says.
Take care of yourself. This will mean something different for everyone, she says. 'For some, it may mean talking to a friend who understands, for others, it may be practicing mindfulness or spending time outside, in nature. Whatever it is, create a dedicated, scheduled time for self-care.'
Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can control and influence, and release what is beyond your control, she says. 'Setting small goals can be helpful because it enables you to track progress and break tasks down into more manageable steps.'Once your child has officially left the nest, don't be surprised if you experience some relief mixed with sadness, says Potthoff. Over time, you may even come to embrace your newfound freedom. That said, your teen's absence also can expose parental identity loss as well as unresolved marital dynamics, she says. Some parents even experience "empty nest syndrome,' which includes intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, and loss.
To navigate this Potthoff recommends reconnecting with your partner if you have one and rediscovering shared interests outside parenting. You also should use this time for hobbies, career shifts, or self-growth.
Of course, you'll also want to communicate with your child even though they are no longer at home, she says. But give them space. Check in without pressure and make sure they are doing OK without controlling them or offering too much unsolicited advice. Also keep in mind that those first visits home may bring renewed conflict as the child reimagines their role in the family, she says.
'[Your teen] is learning how to navigate their world without you next to them, knowing you are there when and if they need you,' adds Hershkowitz. 'Ask them how you can stay in touch, what would work best for them, and do not hesitate to tell them you love them, without causing any guilt or expectation that they must be in touch with you all the time.'
Find a balance of being available and allowing them to be mildly uncomfortable, she says. 'You want to remind them that they have the ability, skills, and tools to figure this out. If [you] swoop in, then your teen cannot learn to do it for themselves, which is needed to develop a sense of mastery and feel competent.'
Read the original article on Parents