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FLOURISHING AFTER 50: My daughter's expensive wedding is ruining our retirement plans - can we cut back without losing face?
Dear Vanessa, I'm feeling sick with worry and don't know who else to turn to. My husband and I are both in our late 50s. We've worked hard all our lives and were hoping to retire by 70 - not extravagantly, just comfortably. Our eldest daughter is getting married next year. We adore her and want her to have a lovely day, but a few months ago my husband told her fiancé's family that we would pay for the entire wedding. He did it to look generous - especially because the groom's parents are very well-off and traditional. Now he says he can't back down without losing face. The problem is the wedding has ballooned to nearly $60,000 thanks to a huge venue, band, flowers, the lot. My husband insists we'll 'make it work' but I know we can't afford it without dipping into our mortgage offset or even our retirement savings. We still have some debt and we're not rich by any stretch. I've tried talking to my husband but he just gets defensive and says he won't 'look cheap' or let the other side think we can't provide. Our daughter is so excited and I feel terrible bringing it up with her - but I'm so angry that we're risking our future to keep up appearances. Should I push him harder? Should we tell our daughter she needs to scale back? Or should I just bite my tongue and find a way to pay - even if it means we work longer? I feel so stuck. Worried Mum, NSW. First of all, I really feel for you. This is exactly the kind of family conflict about money that can quietly undermine the retirement you've spent decades building. A wedding is meant to be a joyful celebration - not a $60,000 drain that chips away at your future security. But this is about more than one big day - it's pride, old-fashioned expectations and the fear of embarrassment when money truths come out. My first piece of advice is to move this out of emotion and into facts. Sit down with your husband and map out exactly what paying for this wedding means for your plan to retire by 70. For example, if you have $500,000 in retirement savings at around 58 and plan to retire by 70, spending $60,000 now could mean losing more than $110,000 by the time you reach retirement just from the lost growth alone. Most people forget the real cost isn't just what you spend today - it's what that money could have grown into for your future. To see this clearly, run a quick scenario using the free Moneysmart Retirement Planner - you'll find it here. Plug in your real numbers - your current balance, contributions and target retirement age - then run it again with $60,000 less. That difference is your real cost of 'keeping up appearances'. Once you both see the impact in black and white, you can plan a gentle but honest chat with your daughter. Tell her you love her and want her day to be beautiful, but you can't risk your own security to impress anyone. It's one of the best lessons you can pass on: big milestones should never come at the cost of your long-term wellbeing. If your husband still can't face it, I strongly recommend bringing in a neutral third party - a financial adviser or coach - to show him the numbers without blame or conflict. Sometimes that's all it takes to break through pride. If you'd like help finding the right adviser to guide you through this, you can start here. You've both worked too hard to spend your later years worried about money. Be brave enough to have this tough conversation now - your future self will thank you for it.
