'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?' 8 Common Reasons—and What To Do About It, According to Psychologists

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'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?' 8 Common Reasons—and What To Do About It, According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade.
It's pretty common to feel picked on every now and then. Sometimes, it feels like the universe is out to get you and other times, it just feels like you can't catch a break with new people in your life. But have you ever thought, "Why is everyone so mean to me?" That's also not uncommon, and no; you're not crazy. Whether you're someone who's more aware of other people's emotions, or you're someone who stands out in a crowd, it can be a regular occurrence to feel like everyone is being mean to you. Maybe you have at least one mean person at work who seems to have made it their life's goal to be vile to you. Or you have that one person in your friend group who you just never vibed with and they're always making rude comments. Why is that? And are you just imagining it? There are plenty of reasons why someone might be mean to others. Parade spoke to Dr. Scott Hoye, PsyD—a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago, and founder and clinical director of Chicago Psychology Services—and Dr. Kathy McMahon—a clinical psychologist, founder of Couples Therapy Inc and Certified Gottman Method Therapist—to find out what those reasons are. They also share what to do if someone's mean to you (especially over and over again) and if you can be paranoid about it (is it all in your head?).Related:
'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?'—8 Common Reasons, According to Psychologists
1. They're power-hungry
In a tale as old as time, one of the most common reasons that someone is mean to you has to do with how they want power or how they want to use their power over you.'Some people only know how to feel strong by making someone else feel small,' Dr. McMahon tells Parade. 'They weaponize status. They punch down to feel bigger. At work, in families, even in friend groups, cruelty can be a power play in disguise.'If someone is constantly belittled, it's a lot easier to push them around. As Dr. Hoye explains, being mean because of power dynamics can unfortunately be a successful way to gain control.'Sometimes, people act meanly to assert dominance or maintain control, especially in group settings like the workplace or school,' he shares.Related:
2. Internal struggles
Even though mean behavior is 'never excusable,' Dr. Hoye says, it can be illuminating to realize that sometimes the reason someone's cruel is because they're hurting in their own life. Again, it's not an excuse; there's just a reason that the saying, 'Hurt people hurt people,' is well-known.'Some people act out of their internal struggles,' he tells Parade. 'They may be dealing with insecurities, stress or unresolved feelings and project these onto others, almost like holding up a mirror to their pain.'As an example, he shares that someone who feels like they're doing subpar work might throw a co-worker under the bus or harshly criticize them to make themselves feel 'more in control." Related:
3. Projected shame
Speaking of projecting their hurt onto others by being callous, Dr. McMahon also shares that someone could be mean because they're outwardly projecting their own shame.'They see something in you they hate in themselves—sensitivity, softness, joy—and they go after it,' she explains. 'If you're kind, they'll mock kindness. If you're soft, they'll call you weak.'You should never be ashamed of your good qualities. So if someone is mocking them, just know it's probably because it's a weakness of theirs.Related:
4. Emotional immaturity
This reason might be a pretty obvious one; if you're outwardly nasty to someone for no reason, you're not very mature (at all, but especially not emotionally mature).'If no one taught them to manage emotions, they'll weaponize them instead,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Meanness is their mother tongue.'Dr. Hoye also points out that a mean person could lack more than just maturity, but other essential qualities that inform our emotional intelligence. 'And for some, a lack of empathy or social awareness means they don't fully grasp the impact of their words, leading to accidental (but still hurtful) comments,' he says.
5. Learned behavior
On that note, maliciousness could be because it's all they know. Much like how Dr. McMahon points out this can be because someone wasn't taught how to manage their emotions, Dr. Hoye notes that it could be the result of growing up with bad role models.'Others have simply learned these behaviors from their environment,' he says. 'If they grew up in a household or social circle where criticism or sarcasm was the norm, they may unconsciously repeat these patterns with those around them.'Again, not an excuse, it's just a way to understand where this animosity might come from.
Related:
6. You're the scapegoat
Simply, the reason someone is hard on you or vile to you might be because you're an easy person to blame and, therefore, pick on.'In dysfunctional systems, one person gets cast as 'the problem' over and over again,' Dr. McMahon says. 'You're the lightning rod for everyone else's disowned feelings. It's not fair, but it's real.'That last part seems to be the motto for a lot of life's problems, to be honest. Related:
7. They resent your boundaries
Let's say you have a strong friend group, and someone new comes in. They start being snarky left and right, and you're the only one who tries to set boundaries and put a stop to it. Then all of a sudden, the snark becomes vicious, and it's only targeted at you. Or at work, you refuse to have someone talk to you a certain way because you find it rude (and it's unprofessional). And now you're receiving glares and rude emails. Dr. McMahon shares that this can be a major reason someone is mean to you.'When you stop being easy to manipulate, the pushback can turn cruel,' she says. 'Your boundaries reduce your usefulness to them. They resent it.'This is why in sitcoms, the 'mean girl' or 'mean jock' characters always have 'minions' who follow their every move. Once you deviate and don't allow yourself to be under their influence or control, you're a threat.
8. Unprocessed envy
Maybe along that line, 'unprocessed envy' can be a reason why someone is mean to you, Dr. McMahon shares.'Meanness often hides admiration that can't be owned,' she expertly shares. 'If they long for confidence, closeness, joy, even moral courage, and you display it, they attack.'Dr. Hoye shares the same reason, saying that this person could feel put off by someone and therefore lash out.'Jealousy is another factor,' he says. 'When someone feels threatened by another's success or happiness, they may try to diminish that person through unkind words or actions.'
Why Some People Are Targeted by 'Mean People' More Than Others
While the reasons someone might be mean to you are above, why might you feel like you're targeted by mean people more than others? Is there a reason why you seem to always be a magnet for callousness? Unfortunately, mean people go after those who are easy to be mean to.'Because they're easy to wound and slow to retaliate,' Dr. McMahon shares about why some people are more "attacked" than others. 'Empaths, people-pleasers and trauma survivors often tolerate too much and question themselves too little.'Dr. Hoye agrees, saying that those who are 'perceived as vulnerable' in any way are usually those who mean people zero in on.'Perhaps because they're quiet, new to a group or less assertive,' he says about people who 'can become frequent targets.'While it's not the victim's fault, Dr. McMahon shares that if you're someone in the people-pleasing category, who doesn't want to make waves or doesn't want to stand up to someone being vile to them, it'll just keep happening.'If you learned to walk on eggshells, you'll keep doing it—until you realize the room is full of chickens, not bombs,' she says.Dr. Hoye does point out that another reason someone could be a constant victim of mean behavior is because they are not 'typical' or they are not deemed 'normal' in our society.'Standing out in any way, whether through appearance, beliefs or achievements, can also draw unwanted attention,' he says.Related:
Can You Be Paranoid About People Being Mean to You?
It's easy for us to discredit ourselves. We might be told we're 'too much' or 'overdramatic,' which is very common with women, especially. But for anyone, it's easy to just say it's all in our heads or that it's nothing. However, Dr. McMahon says that 'meanness is rarely random.''It's a pressure valve, a control tactic or a mirror turned backward,' she says. While she states that it can 'sometimes' be paranoia, she says that more often than not, if you feel like you're being targeted by mean behavior, you probably are.'Often, it's pattern recognition,' she says. 'If it happens in every relationship, it may be internal. But if it's always the same dynamic with the same emotional fallout, trust your gut.'Dr. Hoye also says that it's a valid question to wonder if you're just imagining everything. He, too, suggests looking at patterns and doing some internal (and external) investigating. 'It's important to look for patterns: Are there specific incidents you can recall, or is it more of a general feeling?' he says. 'Getting feedback from trusted friends or colleagues can help clarify whether your experiences are shared by others.'Again, both psychologists share that it's not very common that you're paranoid about someone being mean to you, especially if it feels like it's often and feels purposeful. But there are instances where it could be that.'Sometimes, heightened sensitivity due to past trauma or anxiety can make us more alert to negative interactions,' Dr. Hoye says. 'In rare cases, persistent feelings of being targeted without evidence may indicate something like paranoia, which is best explored with a mental health professional.'But again, as Dr. McMahon says, 'Paranoia guesses. Wisdom remembers.'Related:
6 Things To Do When People Are Mean to You
1. Believe yourself
With all that said, one thing you should do if someone's mean to you (often or at all) is to trust yourself.'If you feel consistently diminished, you probably are,' Dr. McMahon says. See something, say something, right?Related:
2. Drop the self-blame
Once you've validated yourself, don't go blaming yourself. It might seem easy to feel like maybe you annoyed them, or maybe they have a valid reason to be callous to you because of something you said or did. Wrong! Don't do that.'Your sensitivity isn't the problem,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Their reactivity is.'Keeping that in mind, Dr. Hoye goes back to one of the reasons someone's mean to you; they could be hurting and they're projecting that hurt outwardly, onto you. Not an excuse! Just another thing to remember so you don't blame yourself. 'Approaching these situations with self-compassion—and, when possible, compassion for others—can help you move forward,' he says. 'And if you're in a position of leadership or influence, modeling respect and kindness can set the tone for healthier, more supportive communities.'Related:
3. Track patterns, not incidents
Again, make sure to take stock of what happened, how it happened and other patterns. 'Repetition matters,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Familiar scripts matter.'It's good to physically keep track of things too. For liability reasons in work scenarios, but also for your sanity.'If you feel like people are being mean to you, start by documenting specific incidents—what was said or done, and when,' Dr. Hoye says. 'Reach out for support, whether from friends, family or a therapist, to process your feelings and gain perspective.'
4. Get selective
If you know you're one of the people in those 'vulnerable' categories—people pleasers, those with trauma responses, empaths, etc.—make sure you're being very selective about who you want to please. 'You don't need to win over people who require you to shrink,' Dr. McMahon shares. A good thing to keep in mind when your people-pleasing tendencies kick in is that you deserve better than vile treatment.'Remember, often the behavior says more about the other person's struggles than about your worth,' Dr. Hoye says.
5. Set boundaries and assert yourself
Make yourself known! Outwardly share that you're not accepting ugly behavior anymore.'Setting clear boundaries and communicating assertively about what behavior is unacceptable can be empowering,' Dr. Hoye shares.If this is hard for you—maybe you weren't taught how to do this growing up, or you are just so confrontation-averse that you lay down for anything—he recommends seeking assistance to develop those boundary-setting skills. 'You can also look into therapy for help with establishing healthy boundaries and handling the gaslighting behaviors of others in your life,' he says.Related:
6. 'Stop auditioning'
In the same vein, Dr. McMahon explains that in addition to learning how not to people-please or just bow to others' wants and not your own, you should recognize that most people don't care about you. So stop caring about them. She shares 'an old saying' that many a 'tired therapist, stand-up comic and Zen monk' might use: 'One-third of people will like you no matter what. One-third won't like you no matter what. And one-third won't even notice you.'Even though that last part isn't pleasant, it's kind of the truth. Dr. McMahon shares that 'you could twist yourself into emotional origami trying to win over the wrong third—and it still wouldn't work.' You just can't win 'em all, and 'some people need to misunderstand you,' she points out. 'Some people prefer the version of you they can roll their eyes at."So she says to 'stop auditioning' for others' approval, which could result in their meanness. She explains that you 'don't need to convince harmful people that you're good.' It's more than enough if you know you are good. 'You need to get good at walking away,' Dr. McMahon says.And that doesn't mean you should change your demeanor either! If you're soft and vulnerable, just work on being less bendable to mean behavior and people. 'You don't need to become harder,' she says. 'You need to become clearer about what you will no longer absorb.'Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Scott Hoye, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago and is the founder and clinical director of Chicago Psychology Services. There, he conducts psychological testing, psychotherapy, hypnosis and biofeedback. He specifically has experience with issues including trauma and dissociative disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, chronic pain and more.
Dr. Kathy McMahon is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She's also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.
'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?' 8 Common Reasons—and What To Do About It, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jul 24, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 24, 2025, where it first appeared.
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