Carolyn Hax: Her wife loved her laid-back personality. Then they had children.

Washington Post

5 days ago

Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My wife used to appreciate my unflappable personality because it balanced out her worrywart tendencies — her words. However, since we became parents, she has kept criticizing me as too lax and using social media to prove how out of step I am. She is very protective and hints there is something wrong with any mother (we are a same-sex couple) who isn't constantly fearful about loved ones.
I told her I resent the implication that I'm reckless or don't care just because it is not in my nature to fret. She said that she doesn't appreciate being made to feel paranoid or controlling for looking out for us, and that you can never be too careful.
She likes to lecture. She comes at me if I do anything she thinks is too dangerous, like getting on a ladder to check the roof after a hailstorm. She at least acknowledges I'm an adult she can't literally tell what to do, but she believes she does get to overrule me on anything involving the health or safety of our children — like insisting I rush them to the doctor immediately for every run-of-the-mill illness instead of just monitoring symptoms. I don't consider myself a pushover, but in this realm, I tend to give in.
Taken individually, these things are not a big deal. They come from a place of love, and I don't want to be fighting all the time.
Still, moving through life on an unrelentingly anxious footing just feels anathema to me, and I don't want our kids to grow up afraid of dangers lurking around every corner.
She is a great mom, but I think I should get to be, too. She refuses counseling because she thinks I just need an attitude adjustment. Do I? How can we strike a better balance?
— 'Too Lax'
'Too Lax': Life is full of danger — as your wife would be the first to agree. Therefore, it is flat-out parental malpractice to absorb so much risk on your kids' behalf that they grow up utterly unequipped to manage risk themselves. They also need to learn how to recover when things do go wrong.
So you can be too careful. And harm kids doing it.
Plus, anxiety is contagious. You called it: A parent who treats the world as scary teaches kids to be afraid. This doesn't add extra safety-mindedness to otherwise healthy children; instead, it blurs distinctions between risks big and small, real and imagined. It also saps confidence. It narrows the amount of world they perceive as navigable to them.
Responsible parents do pay close attention to the 'risk valve,' vs. leave it wide open and crack beers while their toddlers wander unattended. But they — we — have to spend every day letting go just a little bit, letting the kids take over whatever the kids are ready for. Not what we're ready for.
Even better is to let go in a way that makes them reach a little bit, instead of waiting till they're 100 percent rock-solid ready before loosening our grip.
Therefore, a lovingly fretful parent like your wife is not 'in step.' Seeking an evaluation for her anxiety is the responsible-parent move.
Our job as parents isn't to be fearless but to work through our fears, too, and let our kids see us managing them.
As for your relationship, it's time for an unflinching 'no.' No, constant fear isn't healthy. No, you will not be overruled or erased. No, you won't abide a recurring fight, either.
Then, options: counseling together (solo if you must), parenting class together, or a swap: social media out, research and expertise in.