What to Say When a Loved One Comes Out
When someone trusts you enough to come out to you, it's essential to choose the words you respond with carefully and thoughtfully. 'Empathy is, in that moment, the most important tool you have to be an ally and to be there for the person you love who's opening up to you,' says Max Talisman, a queer filmmaker, actor, and founder of Malibu, Bro Productions. 'Letting them know you're hearing them is everything in that moment.'
To signal they have your full attention, don't interrupt your friend or family member as they talk, he adds. Unless they ask you a question, 'Let them speak,' Talisman says. 'Don't interject, and don't make jokes. It's all about showing love and respect.'
We asked a handful of leading voices in the LGBTQ+ community exactly what to say when someone you care about comes out to you.
When people come out, they're still the same person they were five minutes or hours or days before that monumental moment. If anything, they're more themselves. That's why it's so important for those on the receiving end to make it clear they're not going anywhere. When Talisman came out to his parents, the first thing his mom said to him was: 'So?'
'It was the most calming thing she could have said, because it meant that it didn't change a thing,' he recalls. 'It was the same with my dad. It didn't change anything for them. I was still their son, and they still loved me so much.'
You could thank your friend for opening up to you. But Talisman prefers putting a spin on it and, instead, thanking them for being them. You might word it like this: 'I love the person you are, and I'm grateful to be here with you when you're being more authentic than you've ever been.'
Thanking your friend is a much better approach than telling them you're not surprised by their news. That's a common response when someone comes out, Talisman says, and he doesn't understand why some people feel compelled to say it. 'It doesn't add anything to the moment, and in fact, you're almost taking away this moment of vulnerability because you 'knew' the whole time,' he says.
As a Lutheran deacon, Ross Murray, who's the vice president of education and training at the GLAAD Media Institute, spends a lot of time working with LGBTQ+ teenagers. He's seen over and over again what happens when young people struggle to find support at home after coming out, and it can be dire. Up to 40% of youth experiencing homelessness identify as LGBTQ+, he points out.
Read More: 14 Things to Say Besides 'I Love You'
That's why, if you're the parent of someone who just told you they're queer, it's crucial to reassure them and instill a sense of safety and security. Telling them you love them is 'the initial piece of affirmation that's going to let them know the relationship isn't changing,' Murray says. 'They're going to receive that love and support, and whatever's going to follow will still be grounded in a caring, healthy relationship.'
People who are coming out should be in control of their own journey, including how and when they share the news with other friends or family members. While it's important not to overstep, they'll probably appreciate it if you ask them for specific ways you can show support. 'It's never appropriate to out somebody,' Murray says. 'However, they might say, 'Would you want to intercede with Grandma for me?'' Follow your loved one's lead, he instructs, and remember that everyone will need something different—and your friend might not know yet exactly what that looks like.
This works any time someone comes out, but it's particularly meaningful for trans people, says Suzanne Ford, executive director of San Francisco Pride (and the first trans woman to hold that role for the organization). 'It demonstrates that you value the other person being authentic, and you value their trust, and that's really important,' she says. 'If you start there, it's probably going to go well.'
Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who's Depressed
Whatever you do, don't make the conversation about yourself and how the revelation will affect your life. 'When I came out to my mother, it became about her,' Ford says. 'She lost her son. A lot of people do that, and that's the worst thing you could do, because it's not about you, it's about them.'
Step one: Find out what pronouns your friend prefers. Step two: Actually use them. When someone comes out as trans, you can also ask them if they're changing their name, and if so, to what, Ford advises. Would they like you to use that name to address them? 'You shouldn't make any assumptions,' she says. 'Everybody comes out at different points in their transition, and they may not be ready for that.'
Even before someone comes out, you can make it clear that you're a safe person to confide in, says Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert with Grindr, a dating app for gay, bi, trans, and queer adults. Do that by using gender-inclusive language, and avoiding assumptions about gender or relationship norms.
Read More: 10 Things to Say When Someone Won't Get Off Their Phone
'You can share your own experiences if it's appropriate," he says. 'If you're comfortable, mention supportive attitudes or experiences, like talking about LGBTQ events you went to, or somehow signaling acceptance in a way that's more subtle than, like, 'If you were gay, I would still love you.''
Less is more in the initial conversations when someone comes out, Zane says. It's best not to pepper them with questions, especially about the future, because they probably don't yet have all the answers. After he came out as bi, a family member asked him: 'Does that mean you're going to marry a man or woman?' 'I'm like, 'I have no idea,'' he says. ''I'm just exploring my new attractions to people, and I'm going to start dating men in addition to women.''
This is a great way to show you fully embrace your friend, however they identify, says Jason Mitchell Kahn, a wedding planner who specializes in LGBTQ+ weddings and author of We Do: An Inclusive Guide When a Traditional Wedding Won't Cut It. 'It's really simple, and it comes from a place of 100% support,' he says. 'Coming out is a major, major step for a lot of people, and sometimes it takes years to grow comfortable even doing it.' The fact that your friend felt ready to share how they identify? That calls for a grand celebration.
Not everyone wants to launch into a lengthy conversation after coming out. 'Some people are ready to declare it, but they don't want to talk in detail about it,' Khan says. By asking how much your friend feels comfortable sharing, 'you're giving the person that's coming out permission to do it on their own timeline.'
This is a lovely sentiment, Kahn says: It reinforces that you think of your friend just as highly as you did before, that the status of your relationship hasn't changed, and that they can count on you however and whenever they need you. He suggests adding: 'I'm so happy you're one step closer to living in a way that's true to yourself. I love you just the same, and if you ever want to share more details about what you're going through, I'm here for you.'
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
Contact us at letters@time.com.

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The idea came from us looking at the Warped Tour performance as a celebration. We knew that it was the 30th anniversary and we wanted to do something special and new and unique. We'd never really done a show where we had that many moving parts and other performers as an extension of our show. So it started as this fun challenge for us to try and tackle for such an epic day and a celebration of the Warped Tour. Then as we got into piecing it all together, the D.C.'s Different Drummers came to us and said they'd be down to be a part of it. We loved the idea of having a heavy representation on the stage. It was important to have, particularly that weekend when there was so much else going on in D.C. A lot of folks, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, I think are feeling scared and out of place. 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What would you say in response to fans that might be hesitant to listen to the new project in light of the controversies from the past few years?I understand it in a way because it's never easy to see these things in the media and know how to feel about them. The main thing that I'll say is that we stand behind what we said. We established that in the best way we could in a court of law. We established what we set out to say all along, which is that All Time Low has always been a safe space and it's always been a place of cultivating support for people, support for one another, and bringing people together in a celebratory way. As far back as I can remember, that's been the message of our shows. The people that do come to our shows really feel that, and that's what they've told us all along. So much of what you see online is unfortunately not real and can be so easily made up and manipulated. We were living in the shadow of that for a while. 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What was the reason to go that route and release the first independent record since your debut album?We were with Fueled by Ramen for the last couple records and it was an amazing label to be a part of. Then, as is the nature of the business, the parent company of Fueled By Ramen went through a massive shakeup. By the time the cards landed, we were mid-record cycle for Tell Me I'm Alive, and the label just wasn't the label that we signed with anymore. We've been around the sun enough times at this point as a band to know there's a tendency for things to change without you realizing and suddenly it's like you're not part of the machine that you signed up to be a part of. We had finished up with the [last] record and we were winding down the cycle and we saw all these people that we loved working with moving on from their jobs. We realized it was probably time for us to move on too. We wanted to take some of the control back and it felt like the right time to do that. It's one thing to be an artist and to make this body of work that you pour your blood, sweat and tears into and love so much and then hand it over to this big company and go, 'please do all the right things with this.' We're fortunate to be in a place where we have more say in the business side of things and the decisions that get made. It's just a really freeing place to be this deep into a career. Some of your peers like Mayday Parade and the Maine have also recently gone back to being independent again after years of being in a band. Has this trend come up in conversation at all?You're seeing it more and more now where artists are starting to approach the business with a little more awareness. We came up at the same time as bands like Mayday Parade and the Maine, and we were all just kids chasing a dream. It sounds corny, but that's what it was. We weren't put together in board meetings. We were kids that played VFW halls and just wanted to make loud music and then dove into the business. We were naive. All Time Low signed a deal that we were fortunate wasn't a terrible deal, but had we been presented with a terrible one, we probably would've signed it. We were just stoked to be at the table and there's a million stories of bands that did sign the bad deals. With all the years of experience that All Time Low has gained, how does it feel like to be guiding new up and coming bands like the Paradox?It's funny. It was actually Benji and Joel [Madden] that told me, 'Look, man, you're in the driver's seat now. You're in that position.' They were a bit older than us and when we were starting to come up, they really took us under their wing and showed us some ropes because we had a Maryland connection. We were lucky to have them as mentors. It hadn't really dawned on me that we were now in that position until they said it. 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