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What to Say When a Loved One Comes Out

What to Say When a Loved One Comes Out

Yahoo18-06-2025
Credit - Photo-Illustration by TIME
When someone trusts you enough to come out to you, it's essential to choose the words you respond with carefully and thoughtfully. 'Empathy is, in that moment, the most important tool you have to be an ally and to be there for the person you love who's opening up to you,' says Max Talisman, a queer filmmaker, actor, and founder of Malibu, Bro Productions. 'Letting them know you're hearing them is everything in that moment.'
To signal they have your full attention, don't interrupt your friend or family member as they talk, he adds. Unless they ask you a question, 'Let them speak,' Talisman says. 'Don't interject, and don't make jokes. It's all about showing love and respect.'
We asked a handful of leading voices in the LGBTQ+ community exactly what to say when someone you care about comes out to you.
When people come out, they're still the same person they were five minutes or hours or days before that monumental moment. If anything, they're more themselves. That's why it's so important for those on the receiving end to make it clear they're not going anywhere. When Talisman came out to his parents, the first thing his mom said to him was: 'So?'
'It was the most calming thing she could have said, because it meant that it didn't change a thing,' he recalls. 'It was the same with my dad. It didn't change anything for them. I was still their son, and they still loved me so much.'
You could thank your friend for opening up to you. But Talisman prefers putting a spin on it and, instead, thanking them for being them. You might word it like this: 'I love the person you are, and I'm grateful to be here with you when you're being more authentic than you've ever been.'
Thanking your friend is a much better approach than telling them you're not surprised by their news. That's a common response when someone comes out, Talisman says, and he doesn't understand why some people feel compelled to say it. 'It doesn't add anything to the moment, and in fact, you're almost taking away this moment of vulnerability because you 'knew' the whole time,' he says.
As a Lutheran deacon, Ross Murray, who's the vice president of education and training at the GLAAD Media Institute, spends a lot of time working with LGBTQ+ teenagers. He's seen over and over again what happens when young people struggle to find support at home after coming out, and it can be dire. Up to 40% of youth experiencing homelessness identify as LGBTQ+, he points out.
Read More: 14 Things to Say Besides 'I Love You'
That's why, if you're the parent of someone who just told you they're queer, it's crucial to reassure them and instill a sense of safety and security. Telling them you love them is 'the initial piece of affirmation that's going to let them know the relationship isn't changing,' Murray says. 'They're going to receive that love and support, and whatever's going to follow will still be grounded in a caring, healthy relationship.'
People who are coming out should be in control of their own journey, including how and when they share the news with other friends or family members. While it's important not to overstep, they'll probably appreciate it if you ask them for specific ways you can show support. 'It's never appropriate to out somebody,' Murray says. 'However, they might say, 'Would you want to intercede with Grandma for me?'' Follow your loved one's lead, he instructs, and remember that everyone will need something different—and your friend might not know yet exactly what that looks like.
This works any time someone comes out, but it's particularly meaningful for trans people, says Suzanne Ford, executive director of San Francisco Pride (and the first trans woman to hold that role for the organization). 'It demonstrates that you value the other person being authentic, and you value their trust, and that's really important,' she says. 'If you start there, it's probably going to go well.'
Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who's Depressed
Whatever you do, don't make the conversation about yourself and how the revelation will affect your life. 'When I came out to my mother, it became about her,' Ford says. 'She lost her son. A lot of people do that, and that's the worst thing you could do, because it's not about you, it's about them.'
Step one: Find out what pronouns your friend prefers. Step two: Actually use them. When someone comes out as trans, you can also ask them if they're changing their name, and if so, to what, Ford advises. Would they like you to use that name to address them? 'You shouldn't make any assumptions,' she says. 'Everybody comes out at different points in their transition, and they may not be ready for that.'
Even before someone comes out, you can make it clear that you're a safe person to confide in, says Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert with Grindr, a dating app for gay, bi, trans, and queer adults. Do that by using gender-inclusive language, and avoiding assumptions about gender or relationship norms.
Read More: 10 Things to Say When Someone Won't Get Off Their Phone
'You can share your own experiences if it's appropriate," he says. 'If you're comfortable, mention supportive attitudes or experiences, like talking about LGBTQ events you went to, or somehow signaling acceptance in a way that's more subtle than, like, 'If you were gay, I would still love you.''
Less is more in the initial conversations when someone comes out, Zane says. It's best not to pepper them with questions, especially about the future, because they probably don't yet have all the answers. After he came out as bi, a family member asked him: 'Does that mean you're going to marry a man or woman?' 'I'm like, 'I have no idea,'' he says. ''I'm just exploring my new attractions to people, and I'm going to start dating men in addition to women.''
This is a great way to show you fully embrace your friend, however they identify, says Jason Mitchell Kahn, a wedding planner who specializes in LGBTQ+ weddings and author of We Do: An Inclusive Guide When a Traditional Wedding Won't Cut It. 'It's really simple, and it comes from a place of 100% support,' he says. 'Coming out is a major, major step for a lot of people, and sometimes it takes years to grow comfortable even doing it.' The fact that your friend felt ready to share how they identify? That calls for a grand celebration.
Not everyone wants to launch into a lengthy conversation after coming out. 'Some people are ready to declare it, but they don't want to talk in detail about it,' Khan says. By asking how much your friend feels comfortable sharing, 'you're giving the person that's coming out permission to do it on their own timeline.'
This is a lovely sentiment, Kahn says: It reinforces that you think of your friend just as highly as you did before, that the status of your relationship hasn't changed, and that they can count on you however and whenever they need you. He suggests adding: 'I'm so happy you're one step closer to living in a way that's true to yourself. I love you just the same, and if you ever want to share more details about what you're going through, I'm here for you.'
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
Contact us at letters@time.com.
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New opera spotlights Dolores Huerta's farmworker legacy amid renewed immigration tensions
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It wasn't so much that Jacob Tremblay's portrayal of an autistic child in Predator was problematic (though he is another example of a neurotypical actor being cast in a neurodivergent role), but the film did play into other problematic autism tropes. Namely, it reinforced the notion that autistic people are savants – but it did this to an extreme, suggesting they're evolutionarily advanced. One writer called this depiction a "regressive, ill-conceived catastrophe." A Salon review more diplomatically called it "strange," asking, "Does it really help members of the autistic community to be reduced to a broad stereotype — even a positive one — instead of depicted as individuals with their own unique quirks and foibles? If a movie perpetuates a stereotype with the best intentions, does that make it any less problematic? And if an autistic person is viewed as a prize to be won because of his or her autism, is that not still a form of objectification?" The Accountant also paints autistic people as savants, with an Inverse review stating it "quickly devolves into the kind of glib savant stereotype that has plagued the autism community since Rain Man." The review also points out that at one point, "a neurologist running a school for kids with mental disorders that Wolff attended as a child tells a new couple that their son could grow up to be special as well, positing some kind of X-Men-like academy that preps new generations of autistic super-agents." Suggested by u/CatDaddy1135 "Anything truly progressive the movie tried to convey about the disorder is meaningless, because the conclusion you draw from it is that autism is what helped him and others like him to become superhuman killing machines," the review continues. The film also reinforces the idea that people with disabilities, and autism in particular, are dangerous. Both Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribis were criticized for their roles in the rom-com The Other Sister, where they played two people with intellectual disabilities who fall in love. Famed critic Rober Ebert wrote in his one-star review that the "offensive" film was "shameless" in its use of their disabilities as "a gimmick, a prop and a plot device." He continued, "It treats the characters like cute little performing seals" who spout dialogue meant to display their disability, "with perfect timing and an edge of irony and drama. Their zingers slide out with the precision of sitcom punch lines." Shaun Cassidy and Linda Purl's performances as two people with disabilities who fall in love in Like Normal People are also not great, particularly Purl's. As one Letterboxd user points out, Purl "is a cartoon with her whiny voice and her deeply offensive display of over-the-top mannerisms. It's the very worst performance I have ever seen from her." The film also reinforces the notion that people with disabilities don't or shouldn't have autonomy, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Adam Sandler never actually played a character with a specific disability, but many of his characters are implied to have low social and intellectual prowess. His character in The Waterboy was specifically referred to as "slow", which is often understood as an ableist reference to possessing an intellectual or learning disability. The character was even called the r–slur. His character's "slowness" is played for laughs, as is his stutter. There's Something about Mary also makes use of the r–slur and plays Warren's disability for laughs, as well as a plot device to impart Mary's "goodness" on the viewer. Warren is very much played as a stereotype, and even co-director Peter Farrelly stated there was one thing he'd change about the character. "I would have used an actor with an intellectual disability instead of another actor. Even though, by the way, the actor in it was incredible, there's too many actors out there with intellectual disabilities who don't get those opportunities," Farrelly said, reflecting on his decision to cast an actor, W. Earl Brown, without a disability. Suggested by u/Upset_Bowler_8820 Technically, Duddits (portrayed by Donnie Wahlberg) from Dreamcatcher is an alien, but he is portrayed at least at first as having a in itself seems to call people with disabilities "alien." The r–slur is used multiple times, and Wahlberg's portrayal is less than favorable — he also has, for no real reason, a lisp. Kevin Bacon's portrayal of a man with a disability who befriends a young Evan Rachel Wood in Digging to China was also less than ideal. The Seattle Times wrote in its review, "Bacon is a gifted actor, and it would be nice to report that he pulls it off, but in too much of Digging to China, his twitching and posturing is transparently the work of an actor trying too hard." While perhaps not the worst example on this list, Bacon is a neurotypical actor, and his performance fails to live up to anything resembling reality for people with disabilities. Suggested by u/Apt_5 Team America: World Police parodied a bunch of celebs, but its portrayal of Matt Damon felt extra problematic. In the film, they portrayed Damon as wildly dumb, only able to say his own name. According to Damon, the reason for this was: "The puppet came in looking kind of mentally deficient and they didn't have time to change it, so they just made me someone who could really only say his own name." This reasoning reveals that the joke of Damon's character was not just that he was dumb — they were clearly trying to paint him as having a disability (suggesting that people with disabilities are dumb), and playing it for laughs. Suggested by u/Shot_Bison1140 And finally, while Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of an autistic man in Rain Man was, at the time, near-universally praised, in the ensuing years, fans have found some problems — namely that Kim Peek, on whom Hoffman was based, did not have autism. He was a savant, but not all savants are people with autism (and vice versa), as we've established in this post. Though it's worth noting the character was also based on Bill Sackter, who was diagnosed as having a disability.

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