6 All-Too-Familiar Signs You Grew Up In An 'Enmeshed Family'
'A lot of times people will think of enmeshment as a positive thing ... sometimes enmeshment can appear like closeness, but really it's still a dysfunctional pattern,' said Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas.
'When this is present in a family system, there are not good boundaries, which means that people don't have personal agency and autonomy in the way that they ought to,' Harris noted.
This isn't to say you should have strict boundaries that push your family away (unless that's what is safest for you), it's a good thing to help your family members out when you're able or support them during tough times.
But, there are some red flags that the kind of support your family needs from you is actually enmeshment. Here's what to know:
1. You make your family member's problems your own.
'Individual problems are family problems. Family problems are individual problems. There's just no distinction between an individual and the family system,' said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia.
The main difference between a healthy familial relationship and enmeshment is this, she noted.
'You can be there for family and listen and help out and do whatever you can, but then if you're part of an enmeshed family, then it feels like it's your responsibility to figure out how to help that family member,' Sagaram explained.
There is no separation from you and the problem, and it becomes all-consuming, Sagaram added.
2. You feel guilty when you don't help a family member out.
'A big part of enmeshment is the guilt feeling,' said Sagaram. You may feel guilty for stepping away from your family, for instance, or for saying no to an outlandish request, she said.
When you do try to create some space between yourself and someone's problem, you probably feel guilty 'because you feel responsible for the family problem or whatever that person's going through,' added Sagaram.
Even if you are physically able to step away from it, emotionally stepping away is tough, and can add to those feelings of guilt, Sagaram said.
Oftentimes, guilt is what keeps people stuck in enmeshed patterns and enmeshed dynamics, she noted.
3. You don't have any boundaries with your family.
'[Enmeshment] basically comes down to family members having very weak or almost nonexistent boundaries with each other,' said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks in Roanoke.
As a result, family members are generally over-involved in each other's lives, which makes it really tough to create boundaries, Humphreys added.
Think about it: If your mom insists on constantly asking for advice regarding a tough situation at work, it'll be hard to set a topic boundary with her.
'Even if you want to set boundaries, like, 'All right, I'm not going to take this problem on,' it takes practice to unlearn the feeling,' Sagaram said.
Even if you set a boundary to not jump in and save the day, you're likely still thinking about the problem a lot.
4. You lack a sense of self.
Within an enmeshed family, there are often blurred individual identities within the family, said Humphreys. This is known as emotional fusion, 'which is a struggle to differentiate their own feelings from others,' Humphreys explained.
In some cases, kids in an enmeshed family may feel obligated to feel the same way their parents feel about a certain situation or a certain person, she added.
So if your dad doesn't like your neighbor, you may also decide you don't like that neighbor (even if that person has been nothing but nice to you).
This can make it hard to decipher how you actually feel, which makes it common for folks to struggle with their sense of identity and independence.
This could look like difficulty making decisions without their parents' approval, said Humphreys.
This is a learned behavior from growing up in a family where you were constantly expected to jump in and solve other folks' problems.
'You don't have space, you don't have the ability to think for yourself, because you're constantly thinking about everybody else,' added Sagaram. There wasn't time to think about what brought you joy when you were constantly checking in on family members to make sure they're OK.
5. You never disagree with family members.
'If someone grows up in a family system where there wasn't any conflict, that is kind of a sign to me that people weren't really able to differentiate from one another,' said Harris.
In enmeshment, everyone does their part to uphold the family system, which likely doesn't involve much differentiation or question-asking, Harris added.
It's normal to disagree with your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles — that's what makes a family a family. But, in the case of enmeshment, no one is allowed to have differing views or choices.
'A healthy relationship system allows you and me to be separate people while also being in connection with one another,' Harris said. 'An enmeshed family system says we all have to be the same to be in connection.'
Differentiating would pose a threat to the family system and the roles each person plays.
6. There's too much emotional reliance.
According to Humphreys, enmeshed families rely too heavily on each other emotionally, and this may be something that started when the kids in the family were young.
'This can be seen when parents rely too heavily on their children for emotional support,' said Humphreys.
This often happens in families where there's a 'family secret of such' like a parent with substance abuse problems, she added.
It's also common when a parent looks at their child as a therapist or 'best friend,' Humphreys noted.
'Whenever you hear parents say, 'Oh, my child is my best friend,' that's not a healthy boundary or relationship,' she said.
While you want to have a good, close and fun relationship with your child, seeing them as a best friend is a blurring of boundaries, Humphreys said.
Here's what to do if you are part of an enmeshed family.
'The enmeshed family system is a very complicated one, and it takes patience and time to unlearn some of those toxic dynamics,' Sagaram said.
What's most important is taking it one step at a time and understanding how you actually want to show up in your family system versus how you think you should show up.
'Because there's rules, right? There's unspoken rules in enmeshed families, and recognizing what those unspoken rules are and then starting to challenge them in small ways, I think, is a really great way to break away from an enmeshed family,' Sagaram said.
Key word: small. These don't have to be radical, huge changes, Harris added.
Putting pressure on yourself to show up totally differently or never speak to certain people again can feel 'really flooding and overwhelming,' said Harris.
Instead of going at this with an all-or-nothing mindset, simply start to make choices that align with what you actually want.
This could be something like saying no to hosting a family dinner or telling your sister she needs to contribute money for your mom's birthday gift.
'That's going to create some shift, and you don't have to do anything huge — and it's OK to be scared and still do it,' Harris said.
It can also be a challenge to find healthy relationships outside of your family because of the 'norms' of your upbringing.
'You want to look for a relationship that is reciprocal, whether it's a friendship, a work relationship, or significant other, if you are always the one giving, giving, giving and that's not reciprocated, you know that's that's an unhealthy relationship,' said Humphreys.
It's easy to make anything the norm in your life, even if it's unhealthy — like enmeshment or an unhealthy relationship, and it takes a major shake up to make changes.
'You don't always have to give everything that you have to somebody. You are allowed to actually think about what you need and what you want,' said Humphreys. 'If you're not looking out for you, no one else is. That is your job as a person, is to look out for yourself.'
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