Why would I want a wealth tax, Rachel Reeves, when I want to be rich?
Obviously I wouldn't go on about no longer having to park on the straight drive otherwise known as 'the street'. I wouldn't wish to rub people's faces in it. I'm not a monster. And I've had many happy years parking on 'the street' where my car has either been nicked or gone over.
• Rachel Reeves refuses to rule out wealth tax despite fresh warnings
The last time it was gone over the perpetrator took a pair of Wellington boots but left a crack pipe behind on the back seat, so I think that made us even-stevens. But the bottom line is that those socialist types who argue that accruing vast wealth is somehow wrong are missing one important fact: I would really love it. 'I really love this!' I would also shout. 'Park wherever!' I may host a ball. I may host a party in Venice and annoy everyone who lives there. Why not? I'm rich.
Although, essentially, I would stay the same. I would keep humble. My friends today, some of whom go way back, would stay my friends, until I dumped them. One would have to be choosy. My yacht, Princess Bora, won't be able to accommodate all and sundry. You can't have anyone and everyone turning up expecting to park on your circular drive. They're circular, circular drives, but not endless. And I would have to make space for Orlando Bloom and Tom Cruise and the Kardashians, who seem to turn up wherever any rich person is to be found, even though they don't go far back and barely know them. 'Orlando, Tom, Kim, park wherever!'
It'll be epic. It will be terrific. Katy Perry, she'll be along, just you wait and see. I may even purchase a private island, bus other millionaires and billionaires out there, and fill it with sexual playthings. Why not? I'm rich.
As for my family? Honestly, I don't know if they'd be up to it. It pains me to say it but it's true. We've not had a single 'rift' to date so are they even capable of a rift? I sometimes want to shake them while saying: 'What does one have to do to get a rift up and running around here?'
Imagine how embarrassing it'll be mingling with the Beckhams, say, without a single rift to your name. I'd probably even decline David and Victoria's invitations because I wouldn't wish to turn up with no rift to give them. The shame that none of my kids has had the good sense to marry someone I don't like.
So my family are an issue. I don't even know if they have it in them to tear each other's throats out over a will when I'm gone. How sad, to leave behind a family with nothing to tear each other'sthroats out for. Just an old car with an inherited crack pipe on the back seat. I can't bear the thought of it. Meanwhile, I may buy X and shout abuse day and night. Why not? I'm rich. People will want to hear the horrible things I have to say.
This is why I don't have any truck with anyone who says wealth should be more evenly spread, because what they are not factoring in is how brilliant it would be if I had a decent chunk of it. And, having come from nothing, I do truly believe I'd stay grounded.
I certainly wouldn't call upon my staff in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency and I felt like a small bowl of ice cream or a tickle. I would still come into the office once in a blue moon or possibly never. And it goes without saying I will inevitably pop up in that box at Wimbledon while those who can less afford it have to buy their tickets. Why not? I'm rich. Highly recommend.
As it is my birthday next week I thought I'd release a video like the one released for Prince George's 12th birthday. He's a cutie, that little fella, but I am a cutie too, let's not forget. I think it's even why, the other day, a young woman offered me her seat on the bus.
• Photo and video released for Prince George's 12th birthday
This level of cuteness can't be left to stand, she was probably thinking. That video is lovely and mine will, I hope, be lovely too. I've yet to approach my siblings about walking across a sunny field in Norfolk hand-in-hand but I can't see why they'd demur. True, my brother, when we were little, would not hold any of his sisters' hands. Or, if he was forced to, would pull his jumper sleeve down so he wouldn't 'catch something'. I don't know how I'm going to talk him into a friendship bracelet. He'll just have to go with it. 'We need to look happy and natural,' I will tell him, while pulling up his jumper sleeve. I think he'll be into leaning on a rustic gate, though. My sister and I will, probably, be wearing very sweet cardigans that will instantly sell out.
I do love the royal birthday video. It's an adorable way to give back to the public and, as you know, I'm all about giving back. I would give back the crack pipe if I knew whence it came. And we are all as cute as Prince Louis, that's for sure. It's the missing teeth.
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