‘Buying gifts for family is a merry-go-round – it's a relief when you stop'

Telegraph

2 days ago

Beneath the surface of any happy family exchanging gifts, there's often a seething vipers' nest of hurt and resentment. At least one (child-free) person will be mentally calculating the dizzying cost of buying for 10 nieces and nephews and receiving a cheap calendar in return, another will be fuming because they weren't included in the present-buying kitty and a child will be eyeing their cousin's birthday bonanza with bitter envy.
Family gift-giving goes way beyond Christmas, running through anniversaries ('We got Mum and Dad a trip to the Maldives, but I'm sure they loved your framed photo'), birthdays and holiday souvenirs, whereby you give them a £200 voucher for looking after the pets and they return the favour with a paperweight from Marbella airport. It's all a sure-fire recipe for burning resentment.
'At nine, my son is significantly younger than my three siblings' children,' says Alex Keyes*, 40, from Bristol. 'Some years ago, in a conversation about how to navigate Christmas, they all decided it was better to just buy for the children and not the adults. No one told me, and I ended up buying for all the adults and children – and didn't get anything in return.'
It wasn't so much not having a present that stung, she explains, as 'not being considered. I was starting out in my career, with only one income paying the mortgage, and they didn't think of the financial or emotional impact of realising I'd been forgotten.'
'Within families, acts like gift-giving have the capacity to transport us back in time,' says Georgina Sturmer, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy counsellor. 'Giving and receiving gifts isn't just about the present moment – it can reignite old feelings around how we were treated when we were younger, patterns of behaviour within families, old and unresolved resentments.'
Because the family dynamic can trigger intensely negative past feelings around 'unfairness', 'they can spill over when our inner child or teenager takes over', says Sturmer.
It's not just the nature of the gift (or not) that can hurt, adds Sturmer – it's what it means about a sibling or family relationship.
'' Gift-giving involves layers of emotional pressure,' she explains. 'The amount we spend, the choices we make and the way the gift may come to represent the relationship itself.'
The cost of living crisis is making the financial toll on those who wind up shelling out more even worse.
'My husband and I haven't bought Christmas presents for years,' says professional organiser Karen Powell from Surrey. 'Last year, I agreed a £20 limit with my sister. This year we're not buying at all and will meet to do something nice and spend the day together.
'I have clients who have Christmas and birthday presents from last year unopened,' she adds. ' We all have so much, it's too much. It is so overwhelming! I see a lot of family dilemmas around gift-giving and, often, people are so relieved to get off that merry-go-round.'
'One year, I gave 40 people presents and got virtually nothing back,' says financial adviser Polly Arrowsmith from London. 'After that, I explained to my friends that I was no longer buying presents, which was a relief for me.'
Family is equally fraught around gifting issues, she adds. 'I do spend a lot more on my family than they do on me and I make way more effort. One of my close family members is notorious for setting a strict budget of £50 – and, generally, they then forget,' Arrowsmith admits. 'They have a friend for whom they'll buy things like an iPad. But when I asked them to contribute towards my sister's 60th birthday present, they said no.'
She used to find that attitude upsetting, but now says: 'I had to learn to accept that I have a different love language.'
Not everyone employs gift-giving to show affection and esteem, agrees Sturmer. 'We all have different preferences when it comes to receiving affection,' she says. 'For some, receiving gifts isn't high on the list – we might prefer another 'love language', such as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and physical touch.'
If there's an imbalance, and you – or one of your siblings – is caught in the 'forking out and not receiving' trap, it's worth mentioning. 'Often in families, traditions become entrenched and nobody questions them even if they no longer serve a purpose,' says Sturmer.
Author Melissa McNally, from Hampshire, recalls: 'Last Christmas, my father-in law came to me and joked: 'It's your fault I'm poor'. Before his son met me, there was just him and his grandson to buy for,' she explains. 'For the past eight years, he's had to buy for me, my daughter, my son, his wife, my stepson – he's a pensioner and admitted he can't really afford it.'
Meanwhile, McNally had similar concerns.
'There are a few of us in the family who earn really good money, and those who don't, so the balance seems uneven. After Christmas we all agreed not to buy presents this year but to put £100 each in a pot and spend it on an experience or a weekend away,' she explains. 'I think it's a lovely idea, and it makes the occasion more joyful – concentrating on being together, rather than what we're receiving.'
Author and speaker Ani Naqvi from London is all too aware of the imbalance in her family. While she is child-free, her only sibling is a mother of four.
'I also have nine cousins,' she adds. 'In our culture, every birthday, graduation, anniversary, Eid, we give gifts. My mum gives lots of gifts to others, but she doesn't get as much in return. It's the same for me. I have my nieces and nephews to buy for as well as godchildren and close friends.'
For Naqvi, however, it's less of a problem and more an opportunity to show affection.
'I find so much joy in giving and don't expect to receive the same back,' she insists. 'In times of financial hardship I would still give but a bit less.' She says it's down to her 'abundance mindset': 'When you give freely, with no expectation of receiving, you get rewarded in different ways.'
For big occasions, she adds, her family will pool their money for a joint gift. 'Those doing well put in a bit more. It all works out in the end.'
If you're struggling to feel as Zen, though, speak up now, says Sturmer. 'Don't leave it until family members have already started stockpiling their Christmas gifts.'
Family relationships can be complex and tangled, she adds, 'so use 'I' statements to stop yourself from being drawn into an old, unhelpful dynamic – calmly stating how you feel, rather than apportioning blame'.
Although family gifts are rooted in tradition, expectation and celebration, if you're overspending, mired in complex Amazon wish-lists and resenting the whole thing, it's time to take a step back.
'Sometimes it's important to look past the objects that we are purchasing and remember the true intention behind the giving,' says Sturmer. 'What are we trying to communicate in our gift? Perhaps it's gratitude, appreciation or simply an acknowledgement of our relationship.'
And if you do decide to pool your resources, remember to tell everyone in the family. Sometimes, feeling included is the real gift.