The common things you should never say to a toxic in-law if you want a long-lasting marriage, relationship expert reveals
If your mother-in-law is giving you Livia Soprano or Bunny MacDougal vibes, take a beat before you snap back with a zinger you can't take back.
Marriage and family therapist Sara M. Klein, LMFT, says the key to dealing with a meddling MIL is to bite your tongue — and when in doubt, play it like a National Geographic docuseries.
'One strategy I might use,' Klein recently told PureWow in an interview, 'is to pretend you are an anthropologist and just observe and describe. This will help with judgments.'
Rather than rolling your eyes when she criticizes your holiday traditions — which will most likely happen — Klein suggests saying something like, 'It's interesting that your family does holidays this way,' or 'Their family has rituals that I never did growing up.'
If you're tempted to drop a snarky 'That's your son's decision' when your mother-in-law keeps intruding in your marriage, Klein warns against deflecting responsibility.
'Blame and shame are not effective relationally. They shut people down, and there is no space in between,' Klein told the outlet.
3 If your mother-in-law is getting under your nerves, pause before unleashing a zinger you might regret.
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Instead, she suggests saying, 'We made a decision about this and we are happy to discuss our thought process with you.'
When it comes to parenting, the expert explained that it's normal to want to parent differently from how your in-laws raised their children.
And statements like 'We'll never do that with our children' can feel like a direct critique of how your in-laws raised your spouse.
Instead, try: 'We're trying to limit screen time while the kids are little — it's just what's feeling right for us right now. But who knows, ask me again in six months,' Klein explained.
3 Klein told PureWow that blame and shame tactics are counterproductive in relationships, as they tend to shut people down and leave no room for open dialogue.
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According to a 2021 study published in 'Evolutionary Psychological Science,' the whole 'monster-in-law' stereotype may be a product of evolutionary wiring.
Researchers found that 44% of people reported more conflict with their mothers-in-law than with their own mothers, largely over financial resources and child care.
'This genetic conflict may cause affines (in-laws) to disagree about the distribution of resources and investment, just as we see mothers and fathers disagreeing in these domains,' the study authors wrote.
They also noted that these conflicts are likely heightened because in-laws 'do not choose to have relationships with one another' but are thrown together as 'unintended consequences' of their children's romantic entanglements.
3 A 2021 study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science suggests that the classic 'monster-in-law' trope might actually be rooted in our evolutionary instincts.
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Meanwhile, Dr. Terri Apter, a Cambridge University psychologist and author of 'What Do You Want From Me?' believes that much of the conflict between wives and mothers-in-law is fueled by both women striving to be the 'primary woman' in their respective families.
'Each tries to establish or protect their status. Each feels threatened by the other,' Apter wrote in her book.
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Get the recipe Katherine Gillen Time Commitment: 6 hours and 45 minutes Why I Love It: slow cooker recipe, make ahead, crowd-pleaser Serves: 8 Who knew your slow cooker could make such an elegant main course? "When I've made this sauce in the past, I've been able to freeze a quart of it for later, so it can easily serve at least eight people," Gillen writes. "It's a set-it-and-forget-it number that tastes rich and hearty without much effort on your end." Use a long, flat pasta (like pappardelle) for an elegant presentation and so the noodles can get fully coated in the sauce. Get the recipe Katherine Gillen Time Commitment: 3 hours and 30 minutes (includes chilling time) Why I Love It: crowd-pleaser, special occasion-worthy, beginner-friendly Serves: 8 "I know it's really tempting to use store-bought pie dough, but I promise the ounce of extra effort it takes to make your own is worth it," Gillen urges. "You'll be rewarded with an ultra-buttery, flaky crust that will impress your guests to next year (or at least the next dinner party). The tomatoes don't even have to be in season because the oven will concentrate their flavor." Get the recipe Katherine Gillen Time Commitment: 30 minutes Why I Love It: beginner-friendly, one pan, kid-friendly Serves: 4 Store-bought pizza dough and a cast iron skillet are the keys to making a homemade pizza party entirely stress-free. "My favorite topping combination is sausage and fennel because their flavors are complementary, but you could put anything on this pie and it would be good," Gillen claims. "Just make sure you cook any vegetables beforehand so they don't make the crust soggy." Get the recipe Katherine Gillen Time Commitment: 15 minutes Why I Love It: beginner-friendly, crowd-pleaser, no cook Serves: 4 to 6 Take it from me: A charcuterie board can totally count as an entree if you make it big enough. 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Get the recipe Photo: Liz Andrew/Styling: Erin McDowell Time Commitment: 15 minutes Why I Love It: no cook, <30 minutes, make ahead Serves: 4 Wondering how to make a salad look impressive? As it turns out, all you need to do is serve it on a board instead of in a bowl, which not only looks nice but also makes all the toppings more easily accessible. This one, full of ripe figs and ribbons of prosciutto, is a first-course knockout. Get the recipe Erin McDowell Time Commitment: 1 hour and 20 minutes Why I Love It: one pan, special occasion-worthy, high protein Serves: 4 Is there anything more inviting than the smell of a chicken roasting? It's one of my back-pocket tricks for feeling like the host with the most. While it looks impressive, it really couldn't be easier to make—you can thank the herbs and lemon for that. Throw some veggies onto the pan or toss a salad and dinner is done. Get the recipe David Loftus/Ultimate Veg Time Commitment: 1 hour Why I Love It: vegan, crowd-pleaser, beginner-friendly Serves: 6 This classic Moroccan dish is usually made in a tagine, a traditional clay pot with a cone-shaped top that lets out steam as it cooks. But a regular skillet will work in a pinch. Sub in whatever veggies you have on hand, but don't skimp on all the warming spices. (You'll never look at cinnamon the same way again.) Get the recipe Photo: Liz Andrew/Styling: Erin McDowell Time Commitment: 8 hours and 20 minutes Why I Love It: slow cooker recipe, crowd-pleaser, make ahead Serves: 6 OK, I know this is not how Julia Child did things. But the slow cooker is actually a great way to turn the beef melt-in-your-mouth tender. (Plus, you'll actually have time to make a side of mashed potatoes and dessert, and I know she'd approve of that.) 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Get the recipe The Recipe Critic Time Commitment: 50 minutes Why I Love It: one pan, crowd-pleaser, high protein Serves: 6 Jambalaya is a fun and festive way to feed a crowd (it's really just a one-pan rice dish packed with shrimp and smoky sausage). Crank up the jazz and serve it with a pitcher of daiquiris for a real New Orleans vibe, and end the meal with beignets to drive the theme home. Get the recipe Damn Delicious Time Commitment: 5 hours and 20 minutes Why I Love It: make ahead, crowd-pleaser, slow cooker recipe Serves: 6 There's nothing better for a summer gathering than a good old-fashioned shrimp boil with sausage, corn and plenty of Old Bay seasoning. In this easy dinner party recipe, everything cooks together in a Crockpot, so all you'll need to do once friends arrive is slice up some crusty bread for dipping. Get the recipe Photo: Liz Andrew/Styling: Erin McDowell Time Commitment: 1 hour Why I Love It: special occasion-worthy, beginner-friendly, one pan Serves: 2 This recipe serves two, but if you have a larger skillet, you could add another steak and double the vegetables to serve four. In my experience, the easiest way to ensure your steak is perfectly cooked is to use a meat thermometer and check it before your timer goes off. Then, let the meat rest for at least 15 minutes before slicing so it stays juicy. Get the recipe Gimme Some Oven Time Commitment: 1 hour and 10 minutes Why I Love It: <10 ingredients, crowd-pleaser, high protein Serves: 8 to 10 What's more fun than a build-you-own-taco party with friends, especially when the filling is more exciting than what you usually make on a random Tuesday? This cochinita pibil—savory, citrusy pork shoulder—definitely fits the bill, and you can fix it up easily in a slow cooker or Instant Pot. I won't tell if you don't. Get the recipe 27 Simple Pasta Recipes Anyone Can Make
