Revealed: The 2 compliments you should NEVER say to your partner

Daily Mail​

6 days ago

Whether it's 'you look beautiful' or 'you're such a great cook', it's usually nice to receive a compliment from your partner.
However, if you want a happy relationship, there are two phrases you should steer clear of.
At a surface level, these phrases sound fairly harmless.
But, they may unintentionally serve to 'instruct' rather than 'affirm', an expert has warned.
Dr Mark Travers, an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder, said people probably say them without realising the potential negative consequences.
'Compliments can be disarming. They make us feel chosen and understood in ways that other words rarely do,' he explained.
'But sometimes, the praise that feels the most flattering is also the praise that teaches us to edit ourselves.'
So, are you guilty of saying either compliment to your partner?
'HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS SO CALM?'
'This is a praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength,' Dr Travers wrote on Psychology Today.
He explained that while it might sound like a genuine compliment at first, it may be a reflection of how relieved you are that your partner did not have an emotional reaction.
As a result, a person could feel 'implicitly incentivised to perform that calmness' even when they are hurting, he said.
'When emotional suppression is praised in adult relationships, it reinforces the message that your worth lies in being agreeable and low-maintenance,' he said.
It could mean your partner may try to appear calm, even in moments of deep hurt, because that role has previously been rewarded, he added.
'YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I CAN TALK TO'
Saying this to your partner can make them feel responsible for your emotional regulation, Dr Travers warned.
While it may seem like the highest form of trust, it can be 'less about connection and more about emotional dependency'.
He referenced a previous study on 'emotionships' that found people experience better mental health when they turn to different individuals for different emotional needs.
For example, having one friend who can calm your anxiety while another friend is who you turn to if you need a vent.
'This diversity in emotional support leads to greater wellbeing, because no single relationship is overloaded with the task of holding it all,' Dr Travers said.
If you tell someone they're the only person you can talk to, it creates an 'unspoken pressure to be endlessly available' and a sense of 'emotional obligation', he added.
Dr Travers previously revealed three nicknames that could indicate your relationship is doomed to fail.
These include 'Babe', 'Sweetheart' and 'Angel', and can act as 'emotional wallpaper' for deeper issues.
Pet names can simulate intimacy before it's truly earned, can dismiss someone's worries rather than dealing with them, and deflect the real issue rather than resolve it.
WHEN YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER
Kale Monk, assistant professor of human development and family science at University of Missouri says on-off relationships are associated with higher rates of abuse, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment.
People in these kinds of relationships should make informed decisions about either staying together once and for all or terminating their relationship.
Here are his top five tips to work out whether it's the right time to end your relationship –
1. When considering rekindling a relationship that ended or avoiding future breakups, partners should think about the reasons they broke up to determine if there are consistent or persistent issues impacting the relationship.
2. Having explicit conversations about issues that have led to break ups can be helpful, especially if the issues will likely reoccur. If there was ever violence in the relationship, however, or if having a conversation about relationship issues can lead to safety concerns, consider seeking support-services when it is safe to do so.
3. Similar to thinking about the reasons the relationship ended, spend time thinking about the reasons why reconciliation might be an option. Is the reason rooted in commitment and positive feelings, or more about obligations and convenience? The latter reasons are more likely to lead down a path of continual distress.
4. Remember that it is okay to end a toxic relationship. For example, if your relationship is beyond repair, do not feel guilty leaving for your mental or physical well-being.
5. Couples therapy or relationship counselling is not just for partners on the brink of divorce. Even happy dating and married couples can benefit from 'relationship check-ups' in order to strengthen the connection between partners and have additional support in approaching relationship transitions.