A mother endured harrowing hallucinations due to postpartum psychosis – and says it was worth it for her child

CNA

14 hours ago

Rainie Ang always knew she wanted to be a mother. She just never expected her motherhood journey to start so traumatically.
Married at the age of 31, Ang took two years to conceive, undergoing fertility tests, using ovulation kits and taking Traditional Chinese Medicine. In September 2024, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
'I was overjoyed. I spent my days in hospital cuddling with him and watching him having hiccups,' she smiled.
These tender beginnings were abruptly hijacked.
After discharge, Ang quickly fell into a babycare and breastmilk-pumping routine. Unable to fall back to sleep, she clocked one to two hours of shuteye each night.
Then, on the sixth day after giving birth, her world started to unravel.
'I felt like I was living outside of reality, in another dimension. It was as if this world that I'm living in is not real,' she told CNA Women.
Once a happy-go-lucky person, she suddenly struggled to even make the most basic decisions, such as what time to bathe and how to have her confinement meals.
'I was having fishball beehoon and was given a fork-spoon, and chopsticks. I couldn't even make a decision on which one to use. I felt very confused,' she said.
She asked her best friend – also a mum – if she had experienced anything similar. She hadn't. She told her mother-in-law about it and was advised to get more rest. But Ang simply couldn't. 'No matter how tired I was, I couldn't sleep at all,' she said.
In this disoriented state, she continued her babycare routine the next day.
'I had zero supply of breast milk, but I had been educated that breast milk is better for the baby. So I was pumping every three hours. That afternoon, I pumped for 30 minutes and set a pretty high intensity because I wanted to try my best to produce something,' she recalled.
The next thing Ang remembered, she was crying and screaming uncontrollably.
'I can't remember why I was screaming. But I remember I had some delusions. I thought that I couldn't see my husband and baby again because I was locked in the bedroom. I was screaming my husband's name and his phone number,' she recalled.
Her husband, mother-in-law, father and sister tried to calm her down, but Ang did not stop screaming until the ambulance arrived an hour later. Ang had had a full-blown episode of postpartum psychosis, a rare but severe mental condition that can emerge shortly after childbirth.
"I THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END"
At that time, Ang and her family had not even heard of postpartum psychosis, which is a rare mental condition. Her father thought she was exhausted and overwhelmed by motherhood. While accompanying her to hospital in the ambulance, he urged her to engage a helper.
UNDERSTANDING POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS
Insights from Dr Anne-Marie Simons, consultant at the Institute of Mental Health.
Postpartum psychosis is a severe form of mental illness that begins suddenly in the days and weeks after having a baby. Symptoms can include delusions, hallucinations, mania or severe confusion.
It affects approximately one to two mothers per 1,000 births.
While the exact cause is unknown, hormonal fluctuations and sleep deprivation are likely to be contributing factors.
Some women who have postpartum psychosis have no previous history of mental illness. However, women who have a history of bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder, those who have had a previous episode of postpartum psychosis, or those with a close relative with postpartum psychosis are at higher risk for developing the condition.
Timely treatment is crucial because the postpartum psychosis can progress rapidly over the course of hours or days, risking the health and the safety of both mother and baby.
Patients require psychotropic medication, and in some cases, inpatient psychiatric care for close monitoring. With treatment, they usually make a full recovery in six to 12 months – longer in some cases.
Note that postpartum psychosis should not be confused with postpartum depression, which is a serious mood disorder that can affect women after childbirth, and involves intense sadness, anxiety and tiredness.
I was in disbelief that I was at IMH.
'They inserted a thick needle into my spine to extract eight bottles of liquid from my bone marrow to test for infection. It was very painful. Because they were not able to sedate me for this procedure, I was struggling. The nurses had to pin me down,' she recalled.
Subsequently, Ang was sedated for further tests. Awake but immobile, she was pushed into the magnetic-resonance imaging (MRI) machine. 'I thought I was dead and I was in the incinerator. It was very scary,' she said.
She awoke from this traumatic experience to find herself in a psychiatric ward at the general hospital. The blinds were drawn and she didn't know if it was morning or night. There, she stayed for a week, awaiting test results and grappling with ominous hallucinations.
'During the day, my husband, father and sister would visit me without fail, so my hallucinations were not so bad. But at night when there weren't any visitors and everything was quiet, the hallucinations were really bad.
'I saw black figures queuing up to enter the ward. I was afraid and asked the nurses who these people were,' she said. 'I also heard construction noise and car accidents, and thought the world was going to end.'
'There was a particular episode where I hallucinated that I gave birth to a baby girl. I saw myself delivering her. It felt very real to me. I thought that the nurses took away my baby, and asked them where my baby was,' she added.
Some nights, Ang would simply lie awake, crying.
FINDING HER WAY BACK TO REALITY
Because doctors at the general hospital could not find any infection, Ang was transferred back to IMH a week later. She continued to hallucinate on her first night at IMH. 'I roomed with 20-plus patients and thought the other patients were toys,' she recalled.
But after doctors adjusted her medication, she stopped hallucinating from the second day. She continued to have delusions of grandeur during her stay, however, imagining that she was held at IMH because she was a very important figure.
Aside from that, Ang described her final two weeks of hospitalisation as 'uneventful'. She spent most of her time colouring, folding origami and making thousands of paper stars.
Throughout her hospitalisation, the new mother was separated from her baby and missed him dearly. 'I just wanted to get well and just get home to see my baby,' she said.
Finally, after three weeks of hospitalisation, Ang was discharged on Oct 7, 2024. She returned home just in time for a photo shoot she had previously arranged for her son.
Rushing from a psychiatric hospital to a photo shoot was a surreal experience. 'I bathed, put on makeup and the photographer arrived one hour later,' she said, adding that the photographer explained that they could not wait any longer if they wanted to capture a newborn photo of her son.
The photo shoot went well. Ang was also ecstatic to be home and reunited with her baby. 'I felt as if I had been given a second chance to live in reality,' she said.
With mood stabilisers prescribed by her doctor, Ang's life has since returned to normal. Not wanting to dwell on her ordeal, she threw herself back into work almost immediately.
She also cherishes motherhood like never before. Everyday activities like feeding her son, who is now 10 months old, changing his diaper and playing with him feel like a hard-fought victory.
Having found her feet again, Ang told CNA Women she decided to share her story to raise awareness for postpartum psychosis and mental illness, so others don't feel alone in their journey.
Asked if she has any regrets giving birth to her son, the doting mother replied without hesitation: 'No, I would go through the whole psychosis again to bring my son to this world. Because he is so precious.'