Parents lie too: Psychologist reveals how common parenting fibs can affect children's mental well-being

Time of India

5 days ago

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From tales of Santa Claus to promises that everything will be fine, parents often wrap their guidance in comforting half-truths. But are these small lies just harmless traditions—or could they be quietly shaping a child's self-worth, worldview, and future ambitions?Dr. Juli Fraga, a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience working with parents and children, suggests the latter. In a recent column for CNBC Make It, Fraga shared a list of six common lies that parents often tell their children—fibs that, while rooted in love or tradition, may ultimately do more harm than good. 'Some of these messages are well-intended,' she writes, 'but they don't hold up—and can hurt your child's emotional health, relationships, and even career path.''If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything'—it's a mantra plastered across classroom walls and bedtime stories. Yet, Fraga warns that this optimistic overreach can backfire. When kids are told success is guaranteed through effort alone, failure becomes a personal flaw rather than a part of the process.Instead of promising the moon, parents might try helping children define success more realistically: not in terms of grand achievements, but through courage, growth, and resilience.One of the most surprising truths Fraga shares is about the lie: 'You can't be selfish.' For generations, children have been taught that selfishness is inherently negative—synonymous with rudeness or arrogance. But the reality, she says, is more nuanced.There's such a thing as 'healthy selfishness'—the ability to prioritize one's needs without guilt. Whether it's choosing rest over a playdate or saying no when overwhelmed, teaching kids this distinction can lead to higher self-worth and emotional strength.'You just have to look on the bright side,' is another favorite parental catchphrase meant to soothe emotional distress. But it may unintentionally invalidate a child's real feelings.'Kids should know it's okay not to be okay,' Fraga emphasizes. Teaching emotional literacy means acknowledging sadness, anxiety, and anger—not brushing them aside with forced cheer. Children who are allowed to sit with their feelings, she notes, grow into emotionally resilient adults.In the race to raise independent kids, parents sometimes push too far. Telling a child, 'You can do it all by yourself,' may discourage them from seeking help—even when they desperately need it.Rather than promoting total self-reliance, Fraga encourages parents to strike a balance: foster autonomy, yes, but also let children know that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.'Big kids don't cry' is a phrase that quietly teaches children to suppress their emotions. But, as Fraga highlights, emotions aren't obstacles—they're 'brilliant messengers.' Denying children the right to express sadness or fear teaches them to bottle up feelings, often leading to issues like perfectionism or emotional detachment in adulthood.Fraga urges parents to welcome those tears. 'Even if your parents didn't welcome your emotions,' she advises, 'you can give your child a different experience.'Another surprising insight? The classic moral lesson—'Honesty is always the best policy'—might need some adjusting.While Fraga maintains that truth-telling is vital, she makes space for the occasional white lie—especially if it spares someone's feelings in harmless situations. Teaching children the difference between hurtful deception and tactful compassion builds stronger, more empathetic communicators.At the heart of Fraga's message is a gentle call to rethink how we protect children: not through sugar-coated fabrications, but through emotional truth. 'It's never too late to share a new message,' she says. And that message might just be the honest key to helping children thrive—in school, in relationships, and in life.After all, perhaps the most dangerous lies aren't the ones kids tell—but the ones they grow up believing.