My partner misled me about wanting a family, but I'm desperate to have kids
We're both anxious people with avoidance issues, but I felt safe and cherished until last year, when I discovered he had cheated. He said it was an attempt to 'escape'. I was deeply shocked. I ended the relationship, but he begged for another chance and accepted an ultimatum: commit to living together, getting a dog and starting a family (things I told him I wanted early on). He agreed to the first two, but said he needed more time for the last.
I am 38 and asked repeatedly for honesty about children, fearing the same heartbreak I felt with my ex‑husband. Yet he kept it ambiguous, only to finally admit that he doesn't want children but is afraid to lose me. I respect that it's his decision, but I'm hurt and angry about being misled.
I am a touring artist, which makes starting a family challenging, and it feels impossible to do it alone. I fear that if I can't make music – vital for my emotional and financial wellbeing – I may succumb to the depression and repeat the grim fate of my parents.
After years of dating, I can't seem to find anyone I have much in common with who wants a family. The thought of ending up alone and childless terrifies me. I am trying to think of an alternative solution but, if I'm being honest, anything other than having a family with the person you love and who loves you back feels like a compromise.
I'm so sorry you've been lied to. I feel that your inner voice has been screaming at you, but somewhere along the line you've learned to reason away your feelings. This man doesn't sound like he's the one for you. He has lied and he has cheated and you deserve better than to be scrambling around the 'good bits' to somehow convince yourself that you need to make this work. You don't.
When you are in a situation that feels stuck, it's impossible to imagine solutions, or a life better lived. I consulted relationship therapist Joanna Harrison, who said: 'I can see that wherever you look it feels like there's mourning to do [for your parents' depression, your ex-marriage, your current situation]. You sound like someone who battles on alone, and perhaps this was essential with parents who were depressed.'
I wonder whether you could seek some therapy to tease out the threads of your past life with someone who is 'on your side', and to explore the loops that keep repeating. Both Harrison and I also wondered if your current relationship only seemed 'kind and supportive' compared with past ones. If so, there are other kinder, more supportive relationships you may yet strive for.
Harrison added: 'One longitudinal study of parents showed that in a sample of couples who had a baby when there had been a strong difference of views about having a baby, in all cases the couples had separated by the time their first child went to primary school. It's very painful for couples to be faced with a situation where there is no compromise, and it is very upsetting to lose the relationship and have to make this decision.'
But I'd add that it would be easier in the long run than an unsatisfactory compromise. Also, why should you alone compromise? That would eat away at you in a different way. As your inner voice is saying: you need to try.
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You may well meet the right person for you. In the meantime, you said in your longer letter that you were open to alternatives, such as co-parenting, or a less nuclear-family option. 'It feels that it would be unkind to yourself to not at least explore these options,' says Harrison. 'It may not be what you choose, but it may be helpful to explore what these different ways of doing things would mean to you.'
You may also find this Guardian article of interest, as well as my podcasts on Should I Have a Baby? and Hope and Loss.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.
Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
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SERVES 4 1 kg fresh spinach (Soula insists it is always fresh – never frozen) 160ml olive oil, plus extra to serve 4 large spring onions, trimmed and chopped into 1cm rounds 2 large leeks, trimmed and cleaned, then chopped into 2.5cm half moons 1 bunch of dill, roughly chopped 2 large garlic cloves (green germs removed), roughly chopped 700ml water 150g medium-grain rice, such as arborio ½ tbsp salt ½ tsp ground black pepper 1 chicken stock cube, optional (reduce the salt by half if using) ½ lemon, for squeezing feta and bread, to serve 1 First wash the spinach. Add it to a large bowl of water with a splash of vinegar and wash well, roughly tearing it to pieces as you do so and removing any tough stalks. The vinegar will ensure you get rid of any little 'friends' hiding in the leaves. 2 Drain the spinach and put it in a large saucepan over a medium-high heat. Cover and leave to steam for 10 minutes. Next add the olive oil, followed by the spring onions, leeks, dill and garlic. 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Combine the flour with 90ml of the milk in a small bowl. Whisk until smooth. 4 When the courgettes have steamed (they should be slightly softened at this stage but still possess a bit of bite), drain them in a colander and leave to dry. 5 Heat the sunflower oil in the same saucepan over a low to medium heat and fry the garlic, taking care to stop before it begins to brown. Remove the pan from the heat and leave to cool for a minute, then add the remaining milk to the pan, along with the salt and a grind of white or black pepper. Return to a low to medium heat. Now add the flour-and-milk mixture and stir like crazy with a wooden spoon for about 5 minutes until you have a smooth and viscous béchamel sauce. You don't want it to be very thick – rather a pourable consistency, like cream. Remove from the heat and add the cream and butter, stirring until combined. 6 Put the courgettes in your chosen baking dish. You don't need to arrange them delicately in layers (although you can if you want to go for a 'fancy' look). Maryse just tips them in and shakes the dish to disperse the courgettes evenly. Pour the béchamel sauce over the courgettes and sprinkle over the cheese and 6 tbsp milk. Bake in the oven on the top shelf for 25 minutes, or until the gratin is bubbling and golden. MARGARITA Born 1932, Mallorca, Spain 'I've reached my nineties, but I don't particularly feel very old. Thankfully, I can still get around and take care of myself as well as the children and grandchildren. I have a life of hard work to thank for that. I was born into a family that wasn't hugely wealthy and so, like many children at the time, I was sent to the estate of a rich French family here in Mallorca. That way, my parents could ensure I would be well taken care of, but it also meant that I couldn't go to school. I was nine years old when I left to work on the estate and I was terrified to leave my mother, but I have to say that, in the end, they took very good care of me and treated me as their own daughter. I learned a lot there about the land and about cooking, which I have loved ever since. It was in that first job that I learned to make coca de verduras. I've been making it for over 80 years now, so we can say I've become an expert. The key to this recipe and my ultimate tip is to use a hardy iron tray to make it and to cook it on the lowest level of the oven with the top and bottom setting on. You want the vegetables to caramelise and the dough to cook at the same time. No one wants a soggy dough. You want it to come out crispy like a tart.' MARGARITA'S COCA DE VERDURAS (Mallorcan Vegetable Tart) Every Mallorcan is familiar with coca de verduras, a crisp, thin-based tart weighed heavy with plenty of vegetables. The coca is described as a flatbread or pizza as it isn't yeasted at all. 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The Guardian
11 hours ago
- The Guardian
This is how we do it: ‘I need some emotional connection before sex, but he is ready to go at any time'
There was an occasion when we had sex eight times in one day – we still call it our dirty weekend Ricky and I have been together for 12 years and married for three. I still think about the first time we had sex – it was incredible. I remember thinking: how is this our first time? Because in my experience first times had always been a bit awkward. It was so instantly fun and pleasurable, and felt very safe straight away. Ricky seemed so confident, and I thought: this guy must really know what he's doing. It was only later that I found out he hadn't slept with many people at all. I'd known him for less than a week, but it was some of the best sex I'd ever had. I don't think there is a correlation between penis size and sexual prowess, but Ricky has got a really nice penis. He went down on me that first time, which was rare for me. There was an occasion when we had sex eight times in one day – we still call it our dirty weekend. Now we sometimes have sex once in eight days – but I'm still just as happy and satisfied. When you meet someone new it's crazy and exciting, and then you just become really comfortable together. I have not once thought: I wish we were having more sex. Sometimes I have wondered: should we be having more sex? But that pressure is societal more than anything. We have realised that although we don't have sex that often now – maybe once a fortnight – when we do, we really do it. Sex will last an hour and it is very active. In that moment, neither of us is thinking about anything else. We are very connected. We have quite a set routine now, but it works for us. I need some emotional connection before having sex, even if it's just watching TV together. I like to have a shower and be prepped, whereas Ricky is ready to go at any time. We are both so busy that, despite living together, we can go a few days without even having time to chat about our day. So, for me, it is important to prioritise that kind of intimacy before sex. If you're keen to talk to us about your sex lives you can get in touch by filling in the form below. It is very important that both sexual partners are happy to participate. I was not only falling in love with Anastasia, I was falling in love with sex as well Before Anastasia, my relationship with sex was defined by its absence. I was a late bloomer and didn't have sex until I was at university, but I thought about it so much. They say that if you want something, the worst way to get it is to want it too badly, and that was me when it came to losing my virginity. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion I was discovering so much about myself at that time, and my early sexual experiences ended up being very good. I'm pretty sure the girl who I lost my virginity to didn't know I was a virgin. And then suddenly there was this person who I was falling in love with, and it felt very mature. It was fantastic to have the person who was my first consistent sexual partner then become my permanent partner. I was not only falling in love with Anastasia, I was falling in love with sex as well. I've got so used to having sex with someone who I absolutely love. When we got together she was so complimentary about the first night we had sex because I made her come and I went down on her, and it was generally a really good time. Even after 12 years, when we have sex we never half-ass it. It always feels really good. You fall into the habit of knowing one another and knowing what the other likes and dislikes. I do feel as if I can be slightly impatient, as Anastasia really likes the scene to be set before we have sex. In fact, sometimes if we haven't laid the groundwork enough, we can start and then just fall out of sync. Though I'm very content with the amount of sex we're having, I think we would be happier having more. Often she'll suggest it to me and I'll be like: 'Yeah, OK.' Then, within two seconds, I'm like: 'This is the best. Why don't I do this every single day? How do I distract myself so successfully that I don't want to do this twice a day?'
