Mirra Andreeva would be darling of SW19 were she not Russian
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The Guardian
an hour ago
- The Guardian
The one change that worked: I stopped saying yes to everything – and found a phrase that made it easier
It was 6.18pm when the email pinged through. The lasagne smelled decidedly overcooked as I attempted to referee another squabble between my kids. The cat litter needed changing, and my cup of tea sat next to the microwave, stone cold and grey. Still, irresistibly, I was drawn to the screen. I read the subject line: 'Quick favour this evening, if you have a sec?' Without thinking I started to reply: 'Of course, no probl ...' I didn't reach the end of the sentence. The hyper-sensitive smoke alarm started blaring. I grabbed a towel and swatted at the ceiling; by the time the house fell silent, I had forgotten about the email. The next morning – kids at school, cat litter changed, hot coffee in hand – I remembered, and read it again. The urgency had passed. This request had a deadline, and I had missed it. 'Sorry I couldn't help,' I typed, flushed with guilt. The reply? 'Don't worry – I knew it was last minute!' I breathed. I didn't say yes – and the world kept turning. It was the start of a new habit: to stop saying yes on the spot. To pause and think about whether I really want to first. I've been conditioned to say yes without stopping to question it since I was a child. The echoes of my formative years reverberate in my brain: be kind, be agreeable, don't be selfish. I have spent decades dismantling these unhelpful narratives and, more recently, as a therapist, helping others do that too. I have made progress. But this – the automatic yes – and with it the internal fight to turn down a request, to acknowledge when my plate is full, to give myself permission to say no … it felt like a hurdle that was too high to jump. But what if I don't have to say no upfront – what if it's enough to pause before I respond? That's what I tried, and the results changed my life. Now, since that night a few years ago, whenever someone asks me to do something – a work enquiry, the PTA asking for help, a favour from a friend – I tell them: 'Let me check and get back to you.' And then I leave it – for anything from 10 minutes to two days. It gives me space to pause and ask: do I want to do this? Do I have the capacity? Is this yes out of willingness, or guilt? It's a simple habit, but that doesn't mean it's easy. The reflex to help, fix or please is strong. There are moments I catch myself drafting a reply before I've even registered the question. But it's like strengthening a muscle I've never worked out before: it gets easier with time, practice and repetition. Since I started pausing, I still say yes often. But in line with what I actually want, rather than what I think I should do. It's not a loud change, but it's one that's giving me more time, energy and autonomy. And at the end of the day, those things are worth more than other people's approval. The Hideaway by Nikki Allen is published by Pan Macmillan on 17 July, £9.99
Times
an hour ago
- Times
Taniela Tupou: I'm getting help — I don't blame Australia for releasing me
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Times
an hour ago
- Times
Outspoken critic of President Kagame back in court in Rwanda
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