logo
My secret married lover is being treated for cancer – and I'm heartbroken that I can't visit him

My secret married lover is being treated for cancer – and I'm heartbroken that I can't visit him

The Sun2 days ago
DEAR DEIDRE: MY secret lover is being treated for cancer and I'm heartbroken that I can't visit him.
This is not your usual seedy affair. We met through work ten years ago and this man has been the love of my life, my soulmate, ever since. I'm 45 and he's 56.
During our decade together, he has married his wife, with whom he has three children.
But we speak or see each other every day. It's not just physical, even though the intimate side of our relationship is electric.
After sex, we often lie in each other's arms for hours, softly laughing and kissing, until he has to leave.
We love each other.
But I was the person who told him to see the doctor. I was kissing his shoulder and I noticed a mole looked red and raised.
He said he hadn't been aware of it but I don't know why his wife hadn't noticed it.
Following tests, he made a brief phone call to me, saying he'd been admitted to hospital with stage-three skin cancer.
Since then, I've heard nothing. I'm in pieces — I don't know how to get news on how he is.
I can't visit him in case I bump into his wife and kids.
I can't ask our HR team for too many updates without them suspecting we're more than just colleagues — workplace relationships aren't allowed.
I'm in limbo.
My friends aren't sympathetic because they say he has strung me along for years. But I know he loves me.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
My worst fear is that he will die, and I won't know until it's too late to go to his funeral.
What can I do?
Sadly, skin-cancer rates are rising in the UK. And melanoma, the dead-liest form of it, is the fifth most common cancer in the UK.
Over the past decade, melanoma skin cancer incidence rates have increased by 32 per cent. You might very well have saved his life.
Now for the bad news. It doesn't seem like he wants to spend that life with you.
While you waited for your next snatched moment together, he married and had three children with someone else.
You believe he's your soulmate – but would he agree?
Life-threatening illnesses often cause people to take stock. I suggest you do the same.
It's time to look for a new partner, one who will want you by their side every moment of their life, good and bad.
Please read my support pack, Your Lover Not Free? to help you see things more clearly.
I'VE LISTED ALL OF HER SEXCUSES
We're both 28 and have been dating for two years. Six months ago we moved in together. Since then, we've only had sex on 12 occasions.
The rest of the time, she makes excuses. I've started keeping a list.
She has not wanted sex for the following reasons: Headache, backache, bloating, tiredness, alcohol, a sore knee, constipation, work stress, mosquitoes, bread and wanting to watch Clarkson's Farm.
Early on, our sex life was spectacular. My girlfriend used to be adventurous and would often surprise me with a new technique or position.
She was the most exciting woman I'd ever met and would do daring things like treat me to oral in the cinema, or fondle me while I drove.
I expected the sex to get even wilder when we shared a home. My girlfriend is a high-earner so our new apartment has a balcony and a Jacuzzi bath.
I had high hopes for the spicy action we would enjoy in both those locations, but sadly the only sex has been a rushed missionary session in bed.
I've tried to show my affection by helping her with housework, or suggesting we order in a takeaway, but she seems permanently grumpy.
It's making me feel rejected and resentful. It's like she pretended to be someone else for the first part of our relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Destroy that list. She is not a malfunctioning sex bot. She's a real person with real feelings, and I suspect your entitlement might be the real turn-off here.
When I look at her reasons for not wanting sex, I see an exhausted, overwhelmed person who is eating big dinners (like your takeaways) and probably doesn't feel relaxed and playful.
You say you 'help' with house-work. Instead of helping, why not do at least half of it? She's more likely to see the erotic potential of a Jacuzzi bath when she's not the only one scrubbing it.
I understand that your desire for sex goes beyond a physical urge. You want to feel close, connected and loved. But so does she. Unlike men, women often need to feel those emotions before they head to bed, and not afterwards.
You see she's grumpy so ask why. Clean the house, book a date night, talk and turn off the TV. Become a warm, loving partner and your adventurous girlfriend will return.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to move in with my boyfriend, but I'm scared my son's behaviour will drive us apart.
My son is nine and I'm 34. My boyfriend is 37 and lives with his teenage daughter.
Even though he can be funny and loving, my son has always been a handful.
When he was a toddler, I would get calls from his childminder to say he'd been fighting or shouting at other kids. He would never sit still and easily lost his temper.
My son was six when I split up from his dad and became a single mum.
I've struggled to cope. I find myself giving in to whatever my son wants, just for an easier life.
Now, he calls me names, insults me, and helps himself to anything he wants from the kitchen or my handbag. When he's happy, he's great company. But then a switch will flip and he'll be spiteful or break something.
His dad has a new family now and rarely sees him.
My new boyfriend and I met a year ago through a dating app for single parents. I immediately liked how hands-on he was as a parent, having his daughter three or four nights every week.
My boyfriend wants me and my son to move in. I'd love to, but I have hidden the worst of my son's behaviour from him. When my boyfriend sees what my son can be like, I'm scared he'll lose interest in both of us. I don't know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: The more positive role models your son has in his life, the better. Long-term, your boyfriend could be an excellent influence.
In the short term, I'd focus on getting your son more support, rather than any more change.
Has his school ever suggested an assessment for ADHD or autism?
Some of his behaviour could suggest he's neurodivergent, so that might be a sensible first step.
Find a club he might be interested in, such as martial arts or Cubs, to give him the opportunity to make friends outside of his school classroom.
At home, set boundaries and a routine that you can both stick to. Reward him for good behaviour.
HAUNTED BY OVERDOSING FEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: THE only way to find peace from my drug-addict boyfriend was to leave him, move away and switch off my phone.
Now I'm haunted by fears of him overdosing.
I'm 23, he's 27 and we were great together for three years. But his recreational drug use crept up until he was doing very hard drugs.
I tried to get him help, but he would skip hospital or counselling appointments to hang out with his dealer.
Finally, I snapped. I moved away, leaving him and everyone I knew behind. I switched off my phone to stop him calling. I know I made the right move, but who will ensure he is safe now?
DEIDRE SAYS: It was his choice to ignore your help. I understand your fears but his health isn't your responsibility.
Talking about your worries can help a lot.
Family-action.org.uk – 0808 802 6666 – provides a free listening ear for family and relationship problems. You could also contact nar-anon.co.uk, for people affected by a partner's drug abuse.
Can I sue hospital?
DEAR DEIDRE: I GOT laughed out of A&E for a 'superficial cut' – then had my arm amputated for gangrene.
Can I sue the hospital?
I sliced my little finger on a veg knife. The cut didn't heal, and after a few days I couldn't sleep because it was throbbing so badly.
Panicking, I drove myself to A&E. After a long wait, I got laughed at by a doctor, who told me: 'Try a plaster.'
When I insisted something was wrong, he called security to escort me out.
The cut got worse and I ended up developing gan-grene. I had to have the arm amputated above the elbow.
I'm still in pain, I've lost my job and my mental health has really suffered.
Can I take legal action?
DEIDRE SAYS: That is a tragic tale. You might have grounds to sue. The first step would be to contact The Patients Association (patients-association.org.uk) where you can speak to a trained adviser.
You can also get useful information on how to make a complaint, through the Patient Advice and Liaison Service, PALS, via nhs.uk.
Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

Can't stick to exercise? Your personality may be to blame – the best workouts for 5 key types
Can't stick to exercise? Your personality may be to blame – the best workouts for 5 key types

The Sun

timean hour ago

  • The Sun

Can't stick to exercise? Your personality may be to blame – the best workouts for 5 key types

EXERCISE that suits your personality type could help you stick to it, a study suggests. Doing something that doesn't match your personality, however, could see you fall off the wagon much quicker. 1 In research, scientists often use the Big 5 personality types. They are: Conscientiousness: This describes someone who is responsible, careful, and goal- and detail-oriented. They have high impulse control and tend to be organised Agreeableness: This describes a person who is respectful, compassionate, trusting and tries to avoid problems. They tend to be more cooperative and are helpful Neuroticism: This describes someone who gravitates toward unsettling emotions, such as anxiety and depression. They get upset easily Openness: This describes a person who is open to new experiences and curious about the world. They are creative and happy to talk about abstract ideas Extraversion or Extroversion: This describes someone who seeks excitement and is active and highly sociable. They are talkative, have a lot of emotional expressiveness and are energised around others University College London (UCL) recruited 132 volunteers, of which 86 people finished the study. They were put on an exercise programme for eight weeks in which they did three weekly cycles of varying intensity, and one bodyweight strength workout. Participants' benchmark fitness levels and stress were assessed at the beginning of the programme. During the exercise programme, participants were asked to rate their enjoyment of each exercise session, before having their fitness level tested again once the programme had been completed. Researchers found extroverts tended to enjoy high intensity workouts - i.e short bursts of activity with short rests between, usually over a shorter workout. Those with strong neuroticism, which measures emotional stability and the tendency for anxiety or mood swings, preferred bursts of activity rather than prolonged intensity. They also preferred not being monitored or recording their heart rate, which suggests they prefer to exercise alone or with independence. Professor Paul Burgess, an author of the study from the UCL Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience, said: 'We found that people who scored more highly in the neuroticism personality trait showed a particularly strong reduction in stress when they undertook the fitness training recommended in the study. "This suggests that there may be particular benefits in stress reduction for those with this trait.' Conscientious people tend to have a well-rounded fitness level - scoring higher on tests. They didn't have more enjoyment for any form of exercise, which the researchers suggested meant that they are driven by the positive health outcomes, rather than enjoyment of exercise. They may have stuck to the programme because it was 'good for them'. People who were high in the agreeableness trait enjoyed the easy long rides in the exercise programme and openness predicted less enjoyment of HIIT rides and threshold rides (moderate intensity over a long period). But these effects were not strong. Dr Flaminia Ronca, of UCL's surgery and interventional science and the Institute of Sport, Exercise and Health (ISEH), said: 'We know that the global population is becoming increasingly sedentary. 'You often hear about people trying to become more active, but struggling to make lasting changes. 'We found some clear links between personality traits and the type of exercise the participants enjoyed most, which I think is important because we could potentially use this knowledge to tailor physical activity recommendations to the individual.' In the paper, published in Frontiers in Psychology, the researchers concluded that the most important thing people can do to improve their activity levels is to find something that they enjoy, which will make it more likely that they'll stick with it. How much exercise should you do and when? There are guidelines issued by the NHS and the Government regarding how much exercise people should do each day. People should be active daily, and avoid sitting for long periods. The NHS recommends an adults – those aged 19 to 64 – should aim for 150 minutes of 'moderate intensity activity' a week. This works out to 21 minutes a day, or 30 minutes five days a week. Or, they could do 75 minutes of vigorous activity per week, which could be less than 11 minutes per day or 25 minutes three days a week. Adults should also aim to do strength exercises twice a week, at least. Examples of moderate-intensity activities include brisk walking, water aerobics, riding a bike, dancing, doubles tennis, pushing a lawn mower, hiking or rollerblading. Examples of vigorous activities include running, swimming, riding a bike fast or on hills, walking up the stairs, sports, like football, rugby, netball and hockey, skipping, aerobics, gymnastics or martial arts. Things like lifting heavy weights, sprinting up hills, spin classes or circuit training are considered very vigorous. What time should you exercise? Getting exercise into your day, no matter what time is a good idea. But you may want to be more selective depending on your goal. A 2023 US study on 5,285 middle-aged adults showed exercising between 7 and 9 am was the best time if you're looking to lose weight. Researchers found that early-bird gym goers had a lower body mass index (BMI) and waist circumference than those working out later. A 2022 study led by Prof Paul J Arciero, Skidmore College, New York, found that the optimal time of day to get your kit on might differ according to your gender. Prof Arciero said women wanting to lose fat around their belly and hips would do better to hit the gym in the morning, but those seeking to gain upper body strength or simply improve their mood might see more results from evening exercise. The results were the opposite for men. If you struggle to get to sleep, it's been found that exercise in the morning may help, but exercise in the evening may help you to stay asleep. Exercise, generally, can improve sleep quality.

What your favourite exercise tells you about your personality - and it's bad news for those who enjoy HIIT
What your favourite exercise tells you about your personality - and it's bad news for those who enjoy HIIT

Daily Mail​

timean hour ago

  • Daily Mail​

What your favourite exercise tells you about your personality - and it's bad news for those who enjoy HIIT

Whether we're at home, outdoors or in the gym, many of us dread certain forms of exercise while looking forward to others. Now, a new study reveals that this could all be down to our personality type. In experiments, scientists at the University College London assessed the temperaments of more than 100 people and their preferred type of exercise. They found high-intensity interval training (HIIT) – which combines quick bursts of intense exercise combined with short recovery periods – is typically favoured by shameless extroverts who love to be seen. Meanwhile, those who prefer short exercise sessions conducted alone are likely neurotic – meaning they're prone to negative or obsessive thoughts. According to the researchers, tailoring our exercise routines to our personality can help us stick to our regimes and ultimately get fit. 'You often hear about people trying to become more active, but struggling to make lasting changes,' said first author Dr Flaminia Ronca at University College London. 'We found that our personality can influence how we engage with exercise, and particularly which forms of exercise we enjoy the most.' For the study, Dr Ronca and colleagues recruited 132 volunteers from the general public with a range of fitness levels and backgrounds. Participants were assigned to either an eight-week home-based cycling and strength training course or a 'resting' control group who continued with their usual lifestyle. Throughout the experiments, participants had their fitness and stress levels assessed and completed a questionnaire on how much they'd enjoyed training sessions. To assess personality, participants were tested for levels of the 'big five' traits – openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism. The 'big five' personality traits are the best accepted and most commonly used model of personality in academic psychology. Unsurprisingly, participants who completed the fitness course got fitter and stronger regardless of how the scored on the personality test. But crucially, the researchers found several connections between personality traits and enjoyment of certain forms of exercise. For example, extroverts tended to particularly enjoy high intensity exercise, such as high intensity interval training (HIIT) and a fitness test of maximum intensity cycling. What is high intensity interval training (HIIT)? High intensity interval training (HIIT) involves short bursts of intense exercise alternated with recovery periods. It can be done both aerobically (demanding oxygen intake, such as brisk walking) or anaerobically (such as weightlifting). HIIT has claimed a spot in the top 10 fitness trends since 2014 as surveyed by the American College of Sports Medicine. Meanwhile, conscientiousness was linked with aerobic exercise (repetitive activity that uses oxygen and increases your heart rate, such as brisk walking) and core strength exercises (which strengthen the core muscles). Conscientious people were also found to be generally more physically active, the team said, but are likely driven by the health-related outcomes of engaging in physical activity rather than enjoyment. And people who scored highly on neuroticism – a personality trait associated with worrying and anxiety – preferred short bursts of activity rather than a prolonged effort. Neurotic individuals also preferred private workouts and not being monitored, such as not having their heart rate recorded, while they were undertaking the programme. This finding suggests that neurotic individuals appreciate being given space for independence and privacy when engaging in exercise. Interestingly, the only group to experience a significant reduction in stress levels after exercising were those who scored highly for neuroticism. This suggests exercise is particularly effective at reducing stress for neurotic people, but less so for people with other personality traits. The researchers also found those scoring high on openness – characterised by creativity, curiosity, and willingness to learn – rated strenuous exercise as less enjoyable than other activities. The study found several correlations between exercise type and personality traits, including extroverts' enjoyment of high intensity exercise While not all personality traits had a link to exercise enjoyment, the new study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, can help people opt for types of exercise that fit their personalities. This tactic could make working out feel more enjoyable, which might mean we stick to it for longer and ultimately get healthier. 'Our brains are wired in different ways, which drives our behaviours and how we interact with our environment,' said Dr Ronca. 'So it's not surprising that personality would also influence how we respond to different intensities of exercise. 'We could potentially use this knowledge to tailor physical activity recommendations to the individual – and hopefully help them to become and remain more active.'

Millions of tonnes of toxic sewage sludge spread on UK farmland every year
Millions of tonnes of toxic sewage sludge spread on UK farmland every year

The Guardian

time2 hours ago

  • The Guardian

Millions of tonnes of toxic sewage sludge spread on UK farmland every year

Millions of tonnes of treated sewage sludge is spread on farmland across the UK every year despite containing forever chemicals, microplastics and toxic waste, and experts say the outdated current regulations are not fit for purpose. An investigation by the Guardian and Watershed has identified England's sludge-spreading hotspots and shown where the practice could be damaging rivers. Sludge – the solid matter left over after sewage treatment – is laden with Pfas 'forever chemicals', flame retardants, pharmaceuticals, microplastics, and toxic waste from homes and industry. Water companies rebrand it as biosolids and give or sell it to farmers as a nutrient-rich fertiliser. It is spread over vast areas under light-touch regulation and minimal scrutiny, unmonitored for toxic substances. 'On the outside it appears to be 'black gold' – containing nitrogen and phosphates valuable for soil,' a water industry expert said. 'But hidden within it are microplastics, Pfas forever chemicals, endocrine disruptors, pharmaceuticals and heavy metals.' About 87% of the UK's 3.6m tonnes of sewage sludge is applied to farmland. An Environment Agency (EA) officer, speaking anonymously, said: 'People have seen the sewage in rivers … they need to know about the sludge, where it goes and what's in it.' The water industry's own chemicals investigation programme found hormone-damaging nonylphenols and phthalates, the banned carcinogen PFOS, antibiotics, antimicrobials and anti-corrosion chemicals in every sample tested from 11 treatment works. Scientists from Cardiff and Manchester universities estimate that 31,000 to 42,000 tonnes of microplastics are spread on European farmland annually via sludge, with the UK possibly facing the worst contamination. Rules set in 1989 require testing only for a few heavy metals, and EA insiders say they are 'not fit for purpose'. The investigation identified about 34,000 registered sites in England where sludge is stored, usually before being spread at the same site or on a field nearby, although it can sometimes be transported long distances. Of these, about 33,000 sites are defined as being agricultural land. In 2023 alone, more than 768,000 tonnes of dry solids were spread across 152,000 hectares. Figures from the past decade consistently fall between 715,000 and 800,000 tonnes. Some counties are more affected than others: Hampshire, Lincolnshire, North Yorkshire and Essex have the highest number of sites, with 6,371 between them. Sludge-spreading is governed by waste exemptions, allowing companies to store or apply waste on land without an environmental permit, provided certain conditions are met such as avoiding significant risk to water, soil, air or wildlife. But enforcement is weak. 'No one checks. No one cares,' said one EA insider. An EA officer explained that sludge toxicity depends on local sources: 'Anywhere with an industrial estate will likely produce more contaminated sludge than a rural area.' Industrial waste, such as landfill leachate, is often tankered into sewage works, mixed with domestic waste, and the resulting sludge is spread under the same rules as any biosolid. Contaminated fields become silent sources of pollution. Even uncontaminated sludge can be a problem if mismanaged. When too many nutrients reach rivers, they fuel algal blooms that block sunlight and starve aquatic life of oxygen – a process called eutrophication. The investigation found that one in 20 sludge storage sites in England are within 100 metres of a river, and 1,277 sites are within 500 metres of waters already classed as eutrophic by the EA. The investigation found that 73% of all sludge sites – 23,844 – are within nitrate vulnerable zones (NVZs), where strict rules apply due to pollution risks. In England, no rivers meet chemical standards and just 14% meet ecological ones. Sludge-spreading occurs in Wales and Scotland, too. Almost a quarter of sludge storage sites in Scottish locations that could be identified are within NVZs. A study from the James Hutton Institute found microplastic levels rose by 1,450% after four years of sludge-spreading in North Lanarkshire and remained elevated 22 years later. In Northern Ireland, most sludge is incinerated. Richard Benwell, Wildlife and Countryside Link's chief executive, said: 'Though sludge could be a beneficial fertiliser, it is mixed with the dregs of chemical pollutants. Damaging Pfas, BPA and glyphosate are prevalent in sludge. Regulation must be strengthened to protect public health and the environment.' Prof Rupert Hough, of the James Hutton Institute, said: 'At the moment, sludge will only be checked for metals and the receiving environment is checked for metals but I don't think it gets checked rigorously. 'We all put chemicals down the drain, take medicines – these end up in the sludge and on land, and can enter the food chain.' He said the alternative options – landfilling and incineration – had capacity limits and high costs. 'The cost of removing chemicals from sludge is also prohibitively expensive … the industry has few options,' he said. A water industry source said: 'Colleagues in the industry are not out to commit evil in their public service of water management. They're just constrained by a lack of research and development.' A spokesperson for Water UK said water companies were backing research and trialling new uses for bioresources, including as aviation fuel. 'The UK has banned some products with microplastics – we need the same for Pfas, plus a national cleanup plan funded by polluting manufacturers. Contaminants cross borders, which is why we're calling for coordinated action across Europe.' Shubhi Sharma, of the charity Chem Trust, said the government used lack of funding as an excuse for 'failing to prevent our farmlands from being poisoned'. She called for tighter chemical restrictions and a 'polluter pays' model. 'France has already introduced taxes for Pfas polluters. The UK should follow,' she said. The EA said sludge must not harm soil or water, and that it enforced strict rules, including through more than 4,500 farm inspections last year, resulting in more than 6,000 pollution-reducing actions. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said it wanted safe, sustainable sludge use and it has launched an independent water commission to review the regulatory framework in collaboration with the EA, farmers and water companies.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into a world of global content with local flavor? Download Daily8 app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store