Forget pineapple, these pizza topping crimes are especially heinous
The tropical fruit evokes thousands of anguished 'mamma mias', but other ingredients deserve closer attention from the Italian food police.
Do you have strong opinions about pineapple on pizza? Do you believe that getting mad about Italian food is a substitute for an actual personality?
Fanatical traditionalism over Italian food is a modern trope. Self-appointed 'carbonaranieri' (Italian food police) constantly attack minor variations in any dish of Italian origin, and through doing so, hope to resurrect the glory of the Roman Empire.
To the carbonaranieri, one ingredient is hated more than any other: pineapple.
Italian explorer Christopher Columbus brought pineapples to Europe at the same time as tomatoes, but while one fruit is considered a cornerstone of Italian food, the inclusion of the other anywhere in the cuisine will be met with a thousand anguished 'mamma mias'.
If you have decided that opposing pineapple on pizza is your religion, consider coleslaw on top of a curried ham and banana pizza proof that God is vengeful, and that He has forsaken you.
In fact, pineapple on pizza is a heartwarming story of multicultural success. It was created in 1962 by Sam Panopoulos, a Greek migrant to Canada who applied flavours from Chinese sweet and sour pork to Italian pizza and named it 'Hawaiian' after an American brand of tinned fruit. It was a huge success, and now graces the menus of pizzerias worldwide.
Adam Liaw's all-in pizza dough (pictured above)
To the carbonaranieri, however, the very existence of Hawaiian pizza is a grave insult to the Italian people.
Slavish devotion to authenticity is something I struggle to understand. Cuisines change constantly over time; you can't just pick a single moment and call it authentic.
I have Chinese heritage, and Chinese cuisine has always welcomed adaptation.
If you want to deep-fry ice-cream and call it Chinese food, we're all good with that. Beef and broccoli? Broccoli wasn't grown in China until the 1980s but it sounds pretty good all the same. We literally invented oranges (look it up), but we don't try to gatekeep how you eat them.
I'm not sure why pineapple evokes such strong condemnation from Italian traditionalists, but there are arguably far more heinous pizza crimes out there. Here are a few that deserve closer attention from the carbonaranieri.
Coleslaw
Scandinavia is a world leader in the consumption of two things – coffee and frozen pizza – and the way it consumes both of them would make the average Italian weep.
Sweden's Africana is topped with ham, banana, curry powder and peanuts, but that's not even the worst of it. Scandinavians love putting cold stuff on pizzas. Swedes top their pizzas with pizzasallad, a kind of chilled coleslaw. Norwegians like their pizzas with a cold garlic and sour cream sauce.
If you have at any point decided that opposing pineapple on pizza is your religion, consider coleslaw on top of a curried ham and banana pizza proof that God is vengeful, and that He has forsaken you.
Everything Japan does to pizza
While the carbonaranieri was distracted by pineapple on pizza and cream in carbonara, on the eastern front, Japan gained territory in a relentless war to absolutely humiliate Italian food.
Its most popular pizza toppings include mayonnaise, corn, tinned tuna and fish sperm. I'm not even kidding. Currently, in Japan you can order an entire pizza topped just with pickles and camembert sauce.
French fries and hot dogs
'Pizza con patatine' and 'pizza ai wurstel e patatine' might sound molto Italiano, but what you are actually getting is pizza topped with French fries, and potentially also hot dog wieners.
A favourite among Italian children, these home-grown adaptations might be abominations to traditionalists, but they are entirely Italian creations. Sometimes the call is coming from inside the house.
America invented both Super Mario Brothers and stuffed pizza crusts.
Pizza Hut's first stuffed-crust pizza was marketed in a campaign featuring Donald Trump, and just yesterday, NASDAQ listed chain Papa John's announced the world's first ever 'croissant pizza' to a conspicuous lack of global outrage.
There are dozens of extremely weird US state-based pizza variations that vary from deep pastry cases filled with cheese and sausage in Chicago and burnt wafers in New Haven, to pretentious Californian varieties with toppings like 'Thai chicken', caviar, and smoked salmon.
In comparison to one guy in Canada deciding, correctly, that pineapple on a pizza might be nice, the list of American pizza crimes would seem both longer and far more monstrous.
Dessert pizzas
The thought process for dessert pizzas is pretty much just substituting savoury ingredients for sweet ones of roughly the same shape or texture. Nutella instead of pizza sauce. Banana instead of pepperoni. It's a question of doing what can be done, rather than what should be done.
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