The Midults: I hate my engagement ring
My lovely fiancé proposed a week ago, with his grandmother's engagement ring. I don't want to sound ungrateful (I know I will!) but I hate it. And, to be honest, I hated her. She died last year and was consistently vile to me, always referring to me as 'That Girl'. The ring is a hideous Victorian lump and I can hardly bear to look at it. Of course, he was devoted to her and thinks it a great honour that I should have the privilege of wearing it. What on earth would you do?
– Ungrateful
Dear Ungrateful,
Sticky though this is, it seems to us that, if you are prepared to marry a man, you should probably be prepared to tell him that you don't like a ring. This is where we find ourselves. We can go all around the houses, looking at ways in which to deliver the blow (and we shall), but the bottom line seems to be that, if you are looking at til' death do you part, and a conversation about a ring becomes the thing that derails this commitment, then we have a whole 'nother load of problems.
In this new phase of your relationship, start as you mean to go on. If you can find the courage to say uncomfortable things, it will begin to oil the wheels of communication for all the uncomfortable conversations that are woven through the fabric of lifelong relationships.
There may be hideous heirlooms-a-plenty to manoeuvre around, further down the line as well as: Where do we live? Where do we spend Christmas? How do we navigate this particularly tricky moment in our parenting odyssey? Do we rush to this bedside? The ring, with respect, is a warm-up. If you can set an open and respectful tone for difficult discussions, it will only serve you well.
And let's not forget our old friend, Resentment. Because Resentment is ravenous and, if you allow it to run riot, will nibble on anything it can find to slake its greed. You may stare at this ring and seethe. Or refuse to wear it and stare at your empty finger and simmer. You might use this ring as a hook upon which to hang your grievances as they grow. Don't let the ring become more than... a ring. Right-size this conundrum.
Obviously don't bring it up during an argument. Obviously avoid attacking the character of the loathsome grandmother whom he adored. Obviously. 'I hate this ugly ring and I hated her and your weird attachment style which was fertilised by your weird family makes me hate them all as much as I hate this f***ing ring,' is not where we want to live.
There are truths that can be shared honestly, and which could serve to effectively make your point. Without wanting to write a speech for you, maybe it goes along these lines: 'I think this this a ring that means a lot to a lot of people. It belonged to a woman who meant a lot to a lot of people. It's such an honour that you would give it to me but I just don't think I'm going to be able to wear it every day, which feels like a waste of something so precious. It seems wrong that it would just sit in a safe when it deserves to see the light of day.
'It should go to someone who loves and appreciates it. I love and appreciate so much about you and this is not reflective of that or of me. I want to go through every day of my life, heart-to-heart with you, as my constant companion but I can't see how I'll stitch this ring into the fabric of my life. It could be put to better purpose, because I don't appreciate it. I am very sorry if this hurts you. To me, your proposal was the point, not the ring.'
And now we have to wonder if that last bit is true! How much so you want or need an engagement ring? If you have always dreamed of a marquis-cut sparkler, or a vintage emerald whopper then you are entering a different phase of the negotiation. But perhaps, work together to put the grandmother's ring to one side before you embark on the next stage. Allow the dust and the feelings to settle throughout the family before you (or, preferable, he) suggest a shopping trip. And if this ring is all that's on offer, can you accept that?
Things like rings are silly and serious. Small and big. Meaningful and meaningless. They matter and they don't. It is possible for all this to be true and it could be helpful if you respect the resonance of this trivial/important piece of the puzzle. Because the resonance of the ring what must be respected in order to avoid our old friend resentment getting busy with both you and your fiancé further down the line. Handled carefully, 'That Girl' could get exactly what she wants. Just keep the negotiations muted and right-sized, because it's only a ring. But what a ring!
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