Why Sexual Desire Discrepancy in relationships is more common than you think

India Today

07-07-2025

That love is enough to keep a relationship alive is a sugar-coated lie that has been passed down from generation to generation. A relationship is more than just love, and intimacy plays a huge role in cementing that bond. You can be a 10 as a couple, but when both partners are not in line with their sexual desires, it can quietly chip away at even the most loving relationship.advertisementIt starts small - excuses, mismatched timing, unspoken expectations - but if left unchecked, it can quietly chip away at even the most loving relationship.'Sexual desire discrepancy is essentially the difference in baseline levels of libido between two partners,' explains Dr. Nisha Khanna, psychologist and marriage counsellor. 'One partner might want physical intimacy more frequently, while the other doesn't feel the same urge. This mismatch can lead to one person feeling rejected, while the other feels pressured.'It's not about who's right
Desire discrepancy isn't a red flag; it's a reality. As Dr. Khanna puts it, 'It's not a matter of blaming each other, nor is it about some deficiency. It's about different needs and how they're managed.' In clinical literature, it's defined as a gap in the motivation or wish to engage in sexual activity, something shaped by personality, life experiences, interpersonal dynamics, and even society at large.And yet, it's rarely spoken about openly, especially in cultures like ours.'In India, the paradox is real,' says Dr. Khanna. 'We have a history that includes the Kama Sutra and Khajuraho temples, but culturally, there's still a discomfort around discussing desire.' Social taboos, religious beliefs, and even the influence of Bollywood's rose-tinted romance can create unrealistic expectations and unspoken pressures.Now, this is where things go haywire, because while one partner wants more intimacy and can feel dissatisfied, the other can always reel under the pressure of not being able to live up to the expectations.It's more common than you thinkThe reasons why desire misalignment happens are surprisingly ordinary: work stress, body image, postpartum fatigue, emotional distance, or simply different libidos. 'We often assume sexual desire should remain static over time, but that's just not true,' Dr. Khanna notes. 'Desire changes. Life happens. Children, careers, illness, everything leaves an imprint.'She adds that it's common for emotional and physical intimacy to get tangled up. 'Some people need emotional closeness to feel sexually intimate, while for others, it's the physical intimacy that sparks emotional connection. When this is out of sync, misunderstandings are inevitable.'The shame of low desire, and the pressure to 'fix' itFor the partner with lower libido, the pressure can feel suffocating. 'They often internalise it,' Dr. Khanna says. 'They feel inadequate, unattractive, or even broken. Society reinforces this by equating sexual frequency with relationship success.'Even when well-intentioned, a partner's repeated attempts to initiate can feel like pressure, creating a vicious cycle of avoidance, guilt, and conflict. And if frustrations get shared outside the relationship, say, with family or friends, the sense of shame and urgency to 'fix' the issue only grows.So, what do you do?Ignoring the issue doesn't make it disappear. 'If not addressed, it leads to resentment, emotional distance, and in some cases, infidelity,' warns Dr. Khanna. 'The healthiest route is always open, respectful communication.'It's about reconnecting emotionally, cuddling, hand-holding, non-sexual touch, and discussing what each person needs. 'It could be as simple as aligning on timing,' she adds. 'Maybe one partner prefers mornings, the other evenings. Meeting halfway can work wonders.'And for couples with vastly different drives? 'Workarounds are possible,' she says. 'Sometimes it's about exploring intimacy in new ways, sometimes it's about adjusting expectations. But it has to be mutual. No guilt-tripping, no forcing. Just understanding.'So why don't we talk about it?advertisementBecause it's vulnerable. Because desire feels deeply personal. Because society conditions us not to talk about these things, especially women. 'There's still a stigma,' Dr. Khanna says. 'People fear being judged, misunderstood, or labelled as demanding, or disinterested.'But the payoff of open conversation is real.'You can't fix what you don't talk about,' she says. 'Once couples start naming their feelings, they usually find their way to something workable. It's not about having more sex, it's about feeling heard, understood, and safe.'- Ends