Is It Ever Okay to Fire a Bridesmaid? Here's What You Need to Know If You've Grown Apart or She's Not Living Up to the Role

Yahoo

3 days ago

There's a right—and a wrong—way to do this.
It's your wedding and you make the rules. After choosing your venue, hiring your key vendor team, and making the guest list, one of the biggest decisions you face is deciding who will—and won't—be part of your wedding party. "For brides and bridesmaids, they have likely been planning to be in each others' wedding parties for years, often dreaming of the day together since childhood or college," Emilie Dulles, etiquette and wedding invitations expert says.Meet our Expert
Emilie Dulles is an etiquette, calligraphy, and wedding invitations expert with over two decades of custom stationery design and printing experience for affluent clients in the US, Europe, and Caribbean Islands. Find out more at Dulles Designs or follow the official Instagram."Being a bridesmaid has its share of responsibilities, and all bridesmaids should be up and fit for the task, quick and elegant in their duties, and on their best behavior for many months leading up to [the] wedding," our expert notes. "The minute your save-the-dates go into the mail, your bridesmaids now have an elegant mission to accomplish."
So, what happens if you realize you've made a mistake? Whether you two have grown apart or she's no longer living up to her duties in the role, is it ever okay to fire a bridesmaid? Can you really ask her to step back without ruining your relationship and wreaking havoc on your own wedding plans? Yes, but how you do it is important. "Given my decades of experience, I can tell you all wedding plans experience revised decisions and relationship setbacks to some extent, especially during the final weeks and months leading up to the day," explains Dulles.
Ahead, we share when it is—and isn't—appropriate to fire a bridesmaid and how to do it respectfully and tactfully. Plus, we share what not to do when asking this attendant to step back from her role.
Related: 7 Signs That Indicate You're Being a Difficult Bridesmaid
Is It Okay to Fire a Bridesmaid?
A quick Google search about firing bridesmaids will lead you to what seems like hundreds of Reddit posts asking this simple question. If you feel like you need to ask an attendant to take a step back from the role, it's important to know that you're not alone. Sadly, this situation occurs more than you'd think, and it's okay to ask her to step down if she's no longer living up to the role, you two have grown apart, or another extenuating circumstance is taking place.
Still, asking your friend to step down from this honor is a drastic measure and not one that you ought to take lightly. It's not just about asking them to give up their place in your wedding party. The move speaks volumes about how you view your relationship with your friend. If you've grown apart and see each other less than you did when you popped the bridesmaid question, Dulles says that's not really an excuse to ask her to take a step back. "You should only rescind a bridesmaid ask in unfixable situations involving wrongdoing, or if a bizarre twist of fate befalls your wedding date for the both of you simultaneously," she explains.
So, when can you fire a bridesmaid? "In my experience, the most common instigation for a bridesmaid being removed from any wedding party is when some unsavory or deviant behavior, nastiness, or bitter betrayal of their doing unfolds during the final stages of your wedding plan, and the person becomes no longer welcome," Dulles says. If you she refuses to help with any part of the wedding or involve herself in pre-wedding events, this could also be cause to ask her to step down.
How to Fire a Bridesmaid
Ready to take the plunge and ask your friend not to be your bridesmaid? While there's no perfect way to un-pop the question, there are some tips that will help you get through this somewhat unscathed.
Consider how this will affect your relationship with this person and others.
Before you ask her to step down from her role, you should think about how this move will affect not only your friendship with your bridesmaid, but also your wider circle of family members and friends. "Your friendship may be in jeopardy after the conversation takes place and reverberates socially, so be prepared for all possible outcomes when you decide to ask someone to no longer be a member of your wedding's inner circle," says Dulles.
If you're asking your future spouse's sister to step back, for example, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with your in-laws. If the bridesmaid in question is friends with other attendants, the rest of your 'maids might start choosing sides.
Be clear in your decision.
There are no ifs, buts, or maybes here. You have made the decision and that is final. "Explain how much your friendship means to you, yet you want to make sure that everyone at your wedding has the best time possible—especially your fiancé and you included—and that's why you feel the need to rescind the ask. The key is to be clear and remain firm in your decision," Dulles offers.
Ask a friend to be present.
Gossip spreads like wildfire. If you're concerned that your friend will be sharing a remix of how you let them down, make sure you have a witness. Dulles explains, "If the person is prone to getting upset or retaliating socially, having a witness present with you as a third party observer is a good idea."
Avoid using tired cliches.
You may be tempted to go with the old 'it's not me, it's you' excuse but don't do it. "Try to avoid cliches or cop-outs, and definitely do not rehash all the details or open up a new court case over the matter. You must phrase the conversation as a case-closed communication, not something that's up for negotiation or entreaties. Be fair, be clear, and be honest."
Give her some time and space.
This news may come as a shock to your friend. "Give them the space to react whilst you remain as calm as possible," says Dulles. "Once you've explained your position, there's no need to argue or delve into more reasons why she's disinvited from your bridal party. The phrase: 'I'm sorry, yet I'm making this decision for myself, my future spouse, and our families' is all you need to say."
Let her know she's still invited to the wedding (if she is!).
If the relationship isn't entirely irreparable, make it clear that you'd still love her to be present as a guest. Being asked to step back from bridesmaids' duties might even come as a relief to her.
Try to salvage the friendship.
Last but not least, try to save the friendship (if you can!). "The first sign of anyone taking responsibility for their actions or transgressions is to try and make amends, accept the disinvitation elegantly, and move past the unpleasantness like mature adults," says Dulles. "If she reaches out her hand in apology and sees the decision as a good idea, then the friendship is surely salvageable."
What Not to Do When Firing a Bridesmaid
There's a right and a wrong way to ask an attendant to step down, so it's important to do this tactfully and respectfully. Here's what you shouldn't do.
Don't tell her over text message.
It may be uncomfortable, but it's best to have this conversation in person; if that's not possible, do it over the phone. A text message or email isn't appropriate here.
Don't harp on everything that's gone wrong.
It's important that you tell her why you're making this decision, it's best not to harp on every shortcoming. Be clear with her, but also be concise—dragging out the conversation will feel worse for both of you.
Don't doubt yourself.
Once you've made this decision, be firm with it. The last thing you want to do it start to second-guess your feelings or give her an opportunity to step back into the role.
Up Next: 10 Things Brides Do That Annoy Their Bridesmaids
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