I Finally Found My Happy Place After My Husband Left Me. There's Just One Problem.

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Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-husband and I were together for decades. We have two kids, 20-year-old 'Jack' and 22-year-old 'Jill.' I thought my marriage was happy; I thought my ex and I were deeply in love. But last spring, he disappeared without a word. At first I feared he'd been hit by a car (I even called the police) but then money started being taken out of our joint account. After a month of this, he reappeared and said he was 'finding' himself and wanted a divorce.
When we sold the house, I decided to buy a condo. I ended up buying a two-bedroom place—I couldn't afford a bigger one. Both Jack and Jill have apartments near their colleges and come home only for visits, but I wanted them to feel they have a home base (their father now travels continuously and doesn't keep a place of his own). I've made it a space I love, very different from our family home. It's got loud, bright paint, wood floors so I don't have to vacuum dog fur out of the carpet, stupid art by friends, and a living room dedicated to my hobbies. With the exception of the second bedroom, the entire condo is decorated in a way that Jill describes as 'violently femme-feeling.' And why shouldn't it be? I live there alone and am decorating just for me!
The second bedroom is neutral: dark green walls, furniture from our old house—kind of boring. Jill visits regularly and stays in that room. She has rejected my offer to help decorate it to feel more like hers when she's there. She says it's fine.
The trouble is, my son hates my condo. Jack says he feels unwelcome in the condo because of the way it's decorated. I offered to let him pick new stuff for the second bedroom and he declined. I'm wondering if his attitude/behavior isn't really about the condo, but I have no idea how to bring this up with him. He has never been a 'feelings talker.' He wasn't interested when I offered to help pay for therapy during the divorce and its aftermath, and he won't talk to me about it either. When he visits, he stays with friends or with someone in our extended family. He does want to spend time with me, and we spend a lot of time together whenever he comes home, but he refuses to set foot in the condo. What do I do?
—It's Not Really About the Condo
Dear Condo,
Well, sure, it's not really (all) about the condo. But you yourself have made the condo a metaphor—or, to be more precise, two conflicting metaphors. It's a 'home base' for your kids (you wanted this for them, you say—by which I assume you mean you want them to feel they still have a home). But you live alone, you point out: Why should you decorate for anyone but yourself? (In this latter formulation, the condo is all about you.)
I hasten to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your new home (in which, as you say, you live alone) to be all about you. But that comes with a cost, and it sends a message to your college-age children that directly contradicts what I bet you've told them (i.e., that this is their home, too). Your younger child is particularly sensitive to this message ('jk—it's not really your home') and what it implies: that he is not a priority, but something of an afterthought, and that you have moved on not only from his father, but from the family as a whole, and specifically from him.
Have a conversation with your son! Actually, have a conversation with both kids. Your daughter, a little older, may be readier than he is to let go of the idea of a true home base, but that doesn't mean she is without feelings about all of these changes. Acknowledge that your divorce has been hard on them and continues to be hard on them. Acknowledge that the loss of the house that was their home may be painful for them. Encourage them to talk to you about how they feel and what this all means to them. And be honest with them about the condo, which you bought for yourself and have decorated as you see fit. I suspect the second bedroom, which you counted on their taking turns using and decorated to be'neutral' and 'boring'—rather than attempting to make it a space in which they'd both feel at home—added insult to injury. Were there no touches to its decor you could have made that would be inviting to them and demonstrate that you meant this to be their room? And no, offering to let them pick out some things themselves to make the room more appealing to them is not the equivalent to that.
Finally: Don't lose sight of what matters more than the condo or either of its metaphorical meanings. Your son wants to spend time with you! When he returns from college on visits, you and he spend a lot of time together. Isn't that more important than where he sleeps? The fact is, you may have to let go of the idea of him thinking of your condo as his home (you've made it your home, and perhaps that's enough) and focus on a new sort of relationship with your son as he edges into adulthood.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife 'Carla' and I have a 3-year-old son, 'Andy.' Andy became a big brother last month when we had our daughter, 'Isabelle.' Andy had been reliably potty-trained for four months before Isabelle was born, but within days of bringing Isabelle home from the hospital, Andy began having accidents. Carla's solution has been to put him back in pull-ups. I don't think allowing him to regress like this is a wise idea. She says to let him do it for the time being if it makes him feel better. It seems to me that taking a firm approach (making him go back to using the toilet or face punishment) would be in his best interest. Who is right?
—We're Not Going Backward
Dear Backward,
Your wife. (I was tempted to write that in all caps.)Andy is only 3, and he is having a hard time right now. Why would you make it harder on him? (And I promise he will not be in pull-ups forever. What difference does it make if potty-training takes a backseat just now to his adjustment to being a big brother?)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son recently arrived stillborn at 30 weeks, and I have no living children. My colleagues at work know about this and have mostly been compassionate and mindful. My next-door office neighbor, though, is a mom with young kids and complains about her children often. This is really painful for me, but I don't know if there is any good way to ask her to tone that down around me. My son's death doesn't negate the fact that she might be having a difficult time parenting, I know, but it hurts a lot when people who have kids seem to dislike them, when I'd do anything to have a kid of my own. How do you suggest I handle this?
—Bereaved Mom
Dear Bereaved,
I am very sorry for your loss. And I am also deeply sympathetic to the situation you find yourself in at work. I know it's little consolation, but your work-neighbor doesn't mean you any harm. Her thoughtlessness is literally thought-lessness. She is so wrapped up in her own life, she isn't thinking about how her complaints are making you feel. (She isn't thinking about you at all.)
I'll tell you what I wish I'd done, over a decade ago, when my elderly father was dying and someone I'd thought was my friend talked incessantly about how her elderly father was driving her crazy. I remember how close I came, again and again, to interrupting her to say, 'For godsakes, shut up. I'd give anything to have my father around to drive me crazy.' I remember hanging up the phone after every conversation shaking with rage and grief and the effort not to snap at her. I'm not sorry I didn't snap. But I am sorry I didn't tell her that it was painful to listen to her complaints when I was struggling so. I'm sorry I didn't say, 'I know you don't mean to cause me pain, and I know you're having a rough time with your dad, but it's hard for me to hear this when my own father will soon be gone.' She might not have taken that well—I suppose, in fact, that she would not have—but I'm sorry I suffered in silence for so long. Even if our friendship had ended then and there, it would have been better for me to speak up. (And the friendship didn't last much longer, anyway.)
Can you gently, thoughtfully tell your colleague that although you know she's having a hard time with her kids, and you feel for her, right at this moment it's painful to hear about it? You're grieving. It's OK to ask the people you regularly interact with not to add to your grief. (And if she doesn't like it? What's the worst that could happen? She'd stop talking to you at all?) Chances are, it has never occurred to her that what she's doing is hurtful. Give her the opportunity to do better by letting her know. You have nothing to lose.
—Michelle
My sister 'Jasmine' recently got married. The wedding was held in the town Jasmine and I grew up in (where my family and I live). Jasmine and her fiancé, 'Tyler,' arrived a few days beforehand. On the day before the wedding, they went with most of the family to the county fair. Tyler is hardcore MAGA and was making obnoxious comments about everything from women and LGBTQ+ people to the physical traits and appearance of random passersby. My 13-year-old daughter 'Josie' was getting increasingly uncomfortable and angry. Then Tyler spotted the old-school bumper cars ride.
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