Ivy League psychologist shares his No. 1 key to success and happiness: 'We have to choose a different way of living'

CNBC

19-05-2025

Often, people's biggest obstacle to success and happiness is their own fear — of failure, rejection, or uncertainty, to name just a few — says psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman.
You can overcome it with a process called "unlearning fear," says Kaufman, an adjunct associate professor of psychology at Columbia University's Barnard College. By doing so, you can become more resilient and, ultimately, more successful by developing an ability to identify your self-imposed obstacles and think objectively about how to move past them, he adds.
"Fear is automatically learned" from people's past experiences and traumas, Kaufman writes in his latest book, "Rise Above," which published in April. "And fear must be actively unlearned: We have to choose a different way of living, and we can start by taking responsibility for the fact that unlearning fear — or any past patterns — can take a lot of inner work."
Avoiding something that scares you is a normal reaction, says Kaufman. Maybe you're afraid to ask your boss for a promotion or apply for a new job, because you don't want to suffer the disappointment of rejection. Or, maybe you fear failure too much to take the risk of launching your own business.
The easiest thing to do in those situations is typically nothing: "Our default state is to have a sense of helplessness when we get overwhelmed," Kaufman says.Instead, the key to "unlearning fear" is to reframe what frightens or worries you as an opportunity to learn or try something new, and potentially unlock a greater level of success than you'd previously thought possible. Kaufman calls this "learning hopefulness," he says: "You can, in any moment, decide to live and make the fear decision or make the growth decision. You have more control over that than you realize."
Try asking yourself "What" questions instead of "Why" questions, Kaufman recommends. He offers this example: Your boss gives you more work than you were expecting, leading you to feel overwhelmed and frustrated.
"You can go from 'Why am I feeling this?' to, 'OK, what am I feeling? What would make me feel better?'" Kaufman says. "Asking, 'what' questions — 'What do I need right now, in this moment?' — these lead to a whole upward spiral of productive questions."
The result: You might end up talking to your boss about setting realistic expectations for how much work you can get done in a set amount of time, so you can prioritize your tasks together.
Asking why can lead you to "a dead end" for identifying possible solutions, Kaufman says. Asking "what" helps create distance and objectivity, making it easier for you to recognize harmful patterns and come up with solutions to break them — ultimately helping you build the mental strength and resilience you need to overcome obstacles and become more successful.
"If we approach life with a sense of flexibility and embracing all that life has to offer, we learn that everything can teach us something," says Kaufman. "Going into any situation with curiosity and an openness to learning is a much better way than leading with your fear."
Other experts recommend similar strategies to overcome fears, particularly fear of failure. Most successful people can reframe their failures, identifying them more as learning opportunities, rather than falling into the trap of a "fear-based fixed mindset," psychologist psychologist Jenny Wang wrote for CNBC Make It in May 2022.
Failure is "a pitstop where you refuel your journey and redirect your approach," Wang wrote, adding: "Failure can be a tool to help hone your skills, understand your obstacles, and realize that you have it within yourself to stand back up and keep pushing."
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