7 days ago
What is ‘micro-cheating'? How to spot the signs and what to do according to dating experts
So regular cheating isn't enough, now we have to worry about micro-cheating, too?
Yep, that's right there's a new kind of dating indiscretion on the block and there is a real possibility that you either have or are doing it, without even realizing it — or at least knowing it has a name.
Discussions about micro-cheating frequently pop up on social media and have even inspired some catchy ditties.
This is what #microcheating looks like… and yes it still counts as #cheating 🙃🙃🙃
But folks are divided on whether or not it counts as infidelity — and ultimately that is up to you and your partner. But if that's a boundary that you require in your romances, then it's a good idea to understand what it means, what the signs are, and what to do about it if it crops up in your relationships.
To answer these questions and more PRIDE spoke with the experts. Julia Simone Fogelson, an AASECT certified sex Therapist; marriage and family therapist Layne Baker, and Anthony Canapi, MFT, LGBTQ+ dating expert, and founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking. Here's what they had to say about micro-cheating and why LGBTQ+ in particular may need to know about it.
Have you ever asked for someone's number, and saved it in your phone under a different name? Or do you find yourself flirting with 'friends' and then feeling the need to delete it? Even if you've never followed through and gotten physical with the other person, what you're doing are some of the many ways someone can micro-cheat.
'Micro-cheating is when a partner engages in intimate, non-physical — and often online, behaviors with people outside of their relationship that leads to a slow erosion of trust and psychological safety within their relationship,' Baker tells PRIDE, adding that the term is credited to Australian psychologist, Melanie Schilling.
Ultimately, the real issue with micro-cheating is secrecy, explains Fogelson, 'It's small, secretive acts that a partner would find emotionally inappropriate,' she tells PRIDE. 'So things like sending or receiving flirty texts, inappropriate pictures with other people or emotional connections outside of the relationship.'
Most would argue that cheating is a major problem in a relationship, and for the most part, the experts agree that micro-cheating is also detrimental to your relationship.
'Micro-cheating compromises trust, intimacy, and emotional safety, even when the behaviors involved are subtle or non-physical,' Canapi tells PRIDE. 'Regardless of intent or severity, micro-cheating can deeply affect a partner, particularly when they are someone considered a top priority in one's life.'
Fogelson recognizes there is some nuance here, 'It depends on the context of the couple we're dealing with,' she says. 'Some people can be very forgiving towards one-off actions that can be passed off as a misunderstanding. However, repeated acts of betrayal or secrecy can make it hard for even the strongest of relationships.'
The issue here, Baker adds, isn't about the specific behavior itself so much as it is knowingly doing something that would be emotionally harmful to your partner. That is the betrayal, which makes it problematic.
While Canapi aknowleges there are no peer-reviewed studies indicating that LGBTQ+ folks are more likely to micro-cheat or be the victims of it, he points out that the dynamics of queer relationships could lead to greater instances of it.
Because of the closeness and emotional intimacy of your friendships, flirting may be more commonplace, he explains, and the less rigidly traditional relationship structures can also create more space for micro-cheating to occur. 'These ethical, nonmonogamous, non-traditional structures can create ambiguity around what constitutes micro-cheating, as the definition often depends on boundaries that are individually and mutually defined,' he says.
Fogelson largely agrees, explaining that queer folks oftentimes have more complex and nuanced dynamics than our straight and cis counterparts. 'For one, dating circles can often be smaller. Unless you live in a big city, it's quite likely that you could have shared exes or tight-knit friendships that can blur the lines slightly,' she explains. 'Also, LGBTQ+ relationships require stronger communication as we need to define our own norms in a relationship from scratch. Hence, there's more potential for micro-cheating to take place.'
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So how do you know if your partner is stepping out on you, micro-style? Well, the indicators are not that different from standard cheating signs, just 'dialed down,' says Fogelson.
'Partners will usually exhibit increased secrecy around phones, social media, and certain people. They might have an over-investment in someone outside of their relationship. Another common sign is getting defensive when asked questions or flipping the blame,' she explains.
Trust your instincts, says Baker, if you suspect something is up, you may be picking up on subtle sighs. 'Maybe you observe they have cagey behaviors around their phone use when you're in the room or seem disengaged when you do spend time together. If your gut is telling you that your partner seems to be acting differently, it's important to pay attention to that feeling,' she says. 'Even if your partner isn't micro-cheating, you're concerned that they might be... and that speaks to a deeper trust issue that needs to be addressed for both/all of you.'
Canapi breaks down other behaviors to be on the lookout for.
Texting or DMing someone in a secretive manner- to the point where the one micro-cheating is hiding these behaviors from their partner
Regularly fantasizing about someone else and emotionally distancing from your partner.
Confiding in someone else about your relationship problems instead of your partner
Flirting "just for fun" with someone at work, school, or socially
Liking old or suggestive photos of someone you find attractive
Commenting flirtatiously or using heart/heart-eyes emojis under someone's pictures
Keeping a dating app profile active 'just to see what's out there'
Deleting messages or clearing chats to hide interactions
Saving someone's contact under a fake name or suggestive nickname
Lying about who you're texting or hanging out with
Going out of your way to see or run into someone you're attracted to
Dressing up more than usual when you know you'll see a certain person
Downplaying or denying the importance of another person when your partner asks
Now that you know what micro-cheating is and what to be on the lookout for, the question becomes what do you do if you believe your partner is engaging in it and you want it to stop?
All the experts agree communication is the key, but the approach really matters. 'Don't start with accusations or detective work,' says Fogelson. 'Approach it with honesty and sensitivity. Explain something that you've noticed and how it's making you feel. But turn the focus to restoring connection in the relationship rather than trying to out or punish your partner.'
'Being confrontational will only escalate the action at hand,' warns Canapi. 'Having a sincere conversation about what you saw, how you feel, and talking about how this affects the relationship will go light years.'
f reading this is making you realize you've been micro-cheating Fogelson says it's a tough thing to put your partner through but don't be too hard on yourself. 'It doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it usually means you're craving something like attention, validation, or excitement.' That being said, the approach to get those things is not healthy, so it's time for some self-reflection and ask yourself what you're missing that is making you behave this way. 'This level of introspection can help to start the conversations you need to be having with your partner,' she adds.
What you may discover, says Canapi, is that you are not satisfied in your relationship, that you're not fully committed, or that you're avoiding something deeper in the relationship like having lost the attraction you once had for your partner, or that your needs or boundaries are not being respected.
Knowing the why is the first step to understanding what to do next.
Drazen Zigic/Shutterstock
Here's the good news, if either you or your partner have been micro-cheating it does not mean your relationship automatically ends. 'Lots of couples bounce back from it once the root cause is addressed,' assures Fogelson. 'The main time when relationships spiral is when they're dealt with poorly…. If handled well with good communication, however, it can make your relationship stronger and give you clarity on what you both want.'
Really it just comes down to both how you and your partner feel about what has occurred and your desire to work through it. Ultimately, you get to decide your own level of tolerance for micro-cheating in your relationship,' says Baker. 'Some partners may choose to work through the issues that led to those behaviors, and others may decide that micro-cheating is a violation of their core values and cause to end the relationship. It's important to take the time to process the impact of micro-cheating on you and your trust in your partner, and decide for yourself if that rupture is repairable.'
Julia Simone Fogelson, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, IAPST Certified Psychosexual Therapist, sex and relationship expert at Private Sugar Club
Layne Baker, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Anthony Canapi, MFT, LGBTQ+ dating expert. Certified professional matchmaker, dating coach, and founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking
This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'micro-cheating'? How to spot the signs and what to do according to dating experts
