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Irish Times
2 days ago
- General
- Irish Times
Neurodiversity and relationships: ‘It's about recognising where you both struggle and where you both thrive'
From the outside, some couples make relationships look easy. As though they were always meant to be together and simply 'get each other'. But relationships are often more complicated than they seem, and the younger generations are navigating an increasingly challenging relationship landscape. With more people being identified as neurodiverse, the dating scene becomes even more intricate. 'As humans, our need for connection is vital, not just for survival, but for companionship, love, and even growing a family,' says Afrah Al-yufrusi, psychosexual and relationship therapist with the Evidence-Based Therapy Centre in Galway. 'For those of us who experience neurodiversity, how we connect and relate to others may look different. We are influenced by early relationships, cultural experiences, personality traits, and how our brains are wired. These neurodivergent traits can affect how we navigate the world and, of course, how we form and maintain relationships.' READ MORE When we consider relationships at a base level, they come with a nuanced understanding that everyone is different. How people connect and develop relationships is often influenced by personalities and past experiences. Relationships are always complex. Couples navigating neurodiverse connections may find it more intricate as they seek to embrace the neurological differences within their relationship. 'Let's not sugar-coat this, relationships are challenging for everyone,' says Al-yufrusi. 'Ari Tuckman says: 'A good relationship pushes you to become a better person.' They take hard work, commitment, communication and reflection. The idea of 'happily ever after' in movies doesn't prepare us for the real, everyday challenges. When things don't match our expectations, frustration can build, disappointment sets in, and suddenly we're questioning our self-worth.' A neurodiverse relationship comes with potential challenges such as a difficulty in expressing emotions, experiencing different sensory sensitivities, and miscommunication. Awareness, understanding and appreciation of neurodiverse differences is important in a relationship that may also be affected by potential social stigma. 'In neurodivergent relationships, these challenges don't disappear, they're often just amplified,' says Al-yufrusi. She explains this by using the example of a partner with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) who might forget repeatedly to pay a bill, despite being capable and competent, leading to arguments and financial stress within the relationship. 'These small issues can create distance, as partners may start to turn away from each other rather than addressing the problem together,' she says. 'It can be especially difficult when consistency seems out of reach. Over time, this can lead to feelings of isolation and a widening emotional gap.' [ The key to a happy long-term relationship? Permission to let yourselves be boring Opens in new window ] Another example is a partner with autism who might look for more structure or predictability in their life and relationships. They may find it difficult to show empathy in the way their partner expects and express their love through different actions other than words or physical contact such as maintaining the house. Al-yufrusi says that when these small but significant differences aren't recognised, it can leave both partners feeling misunderstood. Not everyone expresses love in the same way and it's important to recognise that neurodivergent individuals may not express and receive love in ways that are considered to be more traditional, such as receiving gifts, words of affirmation, or acts of service. 'If you and your partner have different ways of expressing love, there can be disconnects, but it's all about understanding and bridging the gap. It's not about changing the person. It's about embracing the unique ways in which they express affection,' says Al-yufrusi. 'It's important to be flexible and mindful of how these languages play out in a relationship.' Recognising neurodivergence can be challenging, especially when a partner masks their neurodiverse traits. The signs and patterns will be there, however. Some of these include a partner who is easily distracted, forgets plans, or needs more time to process information or emotions. 'However, it's important to remember that neurodivergence is not an excuse for bad behaviour in a relationship,' Al-yufrusi asserts. 'Sometimes, it can be challenging to distinguish between neurodivergent traits and a situation where your partner may not be valuing you or the relationship. It's crucial to take a step back and assess the situation, whether it's a communication issue related to neurodivergence or a deeper relational issue that needs attention.' Understanding your own neurodivergent traits is the first step. When you know yourself, you're better equipped to communicate your needs and understand your partner's — Afrah Al-yufrusi It's important to identify that a person with ADHD may be challenged by attention regulation and may seem disengaged during conversations, non-committal or forgetful. Someone with autism may experience sensory overwhelm, prefer routines, or struggle with certain social cues. The signs are subtle, says Al-yufrusi, but are important to notice. 'If you're in a relationship and recognise these behaviours in yourself or your partner, it might be worth considering whether neurodivergence is playing a role,' she says. 'Sometimes, this realisation comes after a diagnosis in our children, or it may surface as we reflect on our own childhood experiences or recognise patterns in our relationship. It could also be sparked by something we've read or seen. For some, it can be particularly challenging when they reach perimenopause, and the strategies they've relied on no longer work, making it harder to mask their neurodivergent traits.' The best advice Al-yufrusi can give to readers navigating a neurodiverse relationship is to encourage a personal level of self-awareness. 'Understanding your own neurodivergent traits is the first step,' she says. 'When you know yourself, you're better equipped to communicate your needs and understand your partner's. It's about recognising where you both struggle and where you both thrive.' Within this self-awareness, Al-yufrusi suggests that self-regulation is also crucial as couples can learn to manage their emotions, especially in times of stress, by creating space for both partners to reconnect and communicate effectively. Miscommunication is another obstacle. As one partner is struggling with sensory overload, the other can feel ignored or dismissed. [ Adult diagnosis of ADHD: 'It was such a moment of clarity' Opens in new window ] 'When you understand the underlying cause, whether it's ADHD, autism, or any other neurodivergent trait, you can approach it with more empathy,' says Al-yufrusi. Communication, empathy, understanding and mutual respect encourage a relationship to thrive. 'Neurodivergent relationships can be both challenging and deeply rewarding,' says Al-yufrusi. 'The key to making them work lies in understanding yourself, your partner, and the neurodivergent traits that shape your interactions. With self-awareness, good communication, empathy and patience, neurodivergent relationships can thrive, offering growth, connection, and beautiful moments that are unique to each couple.'
CNA
7 days ago
- Health
- CNA
How to tackle your to-do list if you struggle to focus and follow through
The pomodoro technique. Power poses. Planners. Denise Daskal has tried them all, searching for the right strategy to improve her executive functioning, or the mental skills used to manage time and pursue goals. Daskal has spent hours hunting through TikTok, reading books and taking classes to become better organised and more focused both at work and in her personal life. But the long list of strategies, while somewhat helpful, has felt exhausting, she said. 'My mind breaks a bit when I get overwhelmed and I have too much coming at me all at once,' said Daskal, 63, who lives in Dearborn, Michigan, and was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder a few years ago. Conditions like ADHD, autism, obsessive compulsive disorder and depression can impede executive functioning; so can the period of life when women transition in and out of menopause. Life circumstances such as parenting young children, getting a bad night's sleep or even missing a meal can scramble a person's ability to focus and complete tasks, too. Here's how to understand executive functioning, and figure out which coping strategies might work for you. WHAT IS EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING? Executive functions are life management skills that help people 'convert intentions into actions,' said Ari Tuckman, a psychologist in West Chester, Pennsylvania, and author of the The ADHD Productivity Manual. In other words, if you plan to do something, executive functions help you do it at the right time and place because it will benefit you, either now or in the future, he added. These skills are essential for planning, solving problems, managing time, making decisions and initiating tasks, as well as controlling your emotions and attention. Amy Dorn, 44, a mother of three in Evergreen, Colorado, who has ADHD, has trouble staying calm when her brain becomes overstimulated by too many things happening at once. It doesn't take long before she becomes frazzled. Sometimes, she said, she'll even 'scream at the top of my lungs.' There are no quick fixes, but the self-awareness that her brain is different helps her calm down faster, take a deep breath and say she's sorry. 'The kids call me the apologiser,' she said. Her tendency to go from 0 to 100 may never go away, she added, so her family has found ways to prevent overstimulation from happening in the first place. Her husband changed his working hours, arriving home earlier to ensure that she has an extra hand shuttling the kids to activities. And they have limited their children to one sport per season. MOVING BEYOND TIPS AND TRICKS There's no shortage of techniques to help with executive functioning, like the pomodoro method that Daskal tried, the gist of which is a 25-minute burst of focused attention followed by a short break. But before trying one of these strategies, experts say, it may help to start with a brief self-analysis. 1. Identify which aspects of executive functioning are most problematic for you Tamara Rosier, the founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan and the author of You, Me, And Our ADHD Family, said that difficulty starting a task was the most common executive functioning issue for her clients. The to-do list can feel overwhelming, which may lead to frustration, anxiety and avoidance. When Daskal planned to finally clean out her garage, for example, she was so paralysed by the prospect that she went out and adopted a dog instead. Potty training a puppy seemed simpler than confronting the thousands of little decisions required to organise her space, she explained. 2. Next, look for solutions that address your problem For task initiation, ask yourself, 'What's making this hard to start?' It might be perfectionism, fear or unclear steps, Dr Rosier said. Once you have a better idea of what's slowing you down, try to address it. If you're unsure of what steps to take because your are overwhelmed with emotion, make a list of what is overwhelming. Then ask yourself, 'Am I overcomplicating this task?' Challenge yourself to think of the simplest way to do it, Dr Rosier said. Another strategy, she added, is to use 'body doubling,' which is working alongside someone else – virtually or in person – to create momentum. For example, the Attention Deficit Disorder Association offers an online ' productivity powerhour ' where people can gather to work toward a goal. You can also pair your task with something pleasant like music or a podcast to make it feel more enjoyable. 3. Try solving the problem outside your mind 'Externalising' your thought process – by discussing your problem with a friend, writing it down or physically manipulating the things you're working on – can be more helpful than trying to hold everything in your mind, Dr Tuckman said. Dorn, for example, often forgets things that seem boring or mundane. She now wears a recording device on her wrist and says her to-do list out loud, then plays it back later in the day. 4. Set expectations for yourself and others Personal strategies are less effective if your environment isn't friendly to people with executive functioning deficits, such as a job that requires you to complete a complex task on the computer while continuing to receive instant messages that may or may not require a response, breaking focus on the main task. Daskal decided to pivot from owning a salon and spa, which involved managing a facility and a staff, to focus on her dream of starting a new nail polish brand. This time around, she said, she's mindful of how many responsibilities she's taking on and which ones need to be outsourced. That helps her make time for sleep and exercise. 'I limit both what I attempt to do in a day as well as the time I attempt to do them,' she said. Her mantra: 'One step at a time, one thing at a time.' Setting expectations with the people you interact with is also important, Dr Tuckman said. Say you're always late to meet friends. You can work on arriving earlier while also being honest, saying, 'Don't leave until I text you,' Dr Tuckman suggested. 5. Don't judge yourself too harshly If you've had trouble with executive functioning, it can be easy to blame yourself – especially if other people are continually suggesting that you fall short. Remind yourself that you aren't flawed or irresponsible, Dr Tuckman said. Rather, you have difficulty following through on what you intend to do and juggling all of the other demands of life in order to make it happen, he added. This mind-set can be 'tremendously validating,' he said, especially when someone has tried so hard – sometimes even harder than others – yet doesn't have as much to show for it. 'If you are someone who struggles with executive functions, critical people with very specific expectations may not be the people who should have a starring role in your life,' Dr Tuckman said. 'It's not just you are a bad fit for them – they are a bad fit for you.'
New York Times
10-06-2025
- Health
- New York Times
How to Tackle Your To-Do List if You Struggle With Executive Functioning
The pomodoro technique. Power poses. Planners. Denise Daskal has tried them all, searching for the right strategy to improve her executive functioning, or the mental skills used to manage time and pursue goals. Ms. Daskal has spent hours hunting through TikTok, reading books and taking classes to become better organized and more focused both at work and in her personal life. But the long list of strategies, while somewhat helpful, has felt exhausting, she said. 'My mind breaks a bit when I get overwhelmed and I have too much coming at me all at once,' said Ms. Daskal, 63, who lives in Dearborn, Mich., and was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder a few years ago. Conditions like A.D.H.D., autism, obsessive compulsive disorder and depression can impede executive functioning; so can the period of life when women transition in and out of menopause. Life circumstances such as parenting young children, getting a bad night's sleep or even missing a meal can scramble a person's ability to focus and complete tasks, too. Here's how to understand executive functioning, and figure out which coping strategies might work for you. What is executive functioning? Executive functions are life management skills that help people 'convert intentions into actions,' said Ari Tuckman, a psychologist in West Chester, Pa., and author of the 'The ADHD Productivity Manual.' Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
