Latest news with #BigLittleFeelings
Yahoo
10 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Giving your kids a '90s-style summer is all the rage. Is it even possible to pull off now?
Are screen-free, unstructured summers too good to be true? In a now-viral Instagram post from last year, Nebraska mom Markay Cunningham narrates a typical summer day for kids in the '90s: Food was a box of ice pops plopped on the ground, water came from the hose around the corner, and the rule was to stay outside unless you're hurt or it's storming. In the clip, Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven Is a Place on Earth' plays in the background. It's a snapshot of the quintessential summer vacation of yore: unstructured time, low supervision and not a screen in sight. No wonder everyone's reminiscing about '90s summers and trying to re-create the magic for their own kids. The question is, Is it really what today's parents want? 'It's kind of making me feel like shit,' Big Little Feelings co-founder (and Yahoo parenting ambassador) Kristin Gallant recently said on Instagram. 'I think it's a great concept if it works for your family. The problem is, for a lot of us it just doesn't.' For starters, Gallant pointed out, many working parents rely on the structure and supervision that summer camp provides. Single-income families are much less common today compared with decades past, and with both parents at work, the freedom to roam all day isn't really an option. Parents of neurodivergent and highly sensitive children may also take issue with the trend, Gallant added. Routines mean predictability, which can lessen anxiety and improve focus. A large swath of unstructured time could bring about feelings of dysregulation instead of relaxation in these kids. Other modern-day concerns make a '90s summer seem more like a hazy daydream than a real-life approach to the season. Here's what parents told us they're up against. The screen struggle Author Kelly Oxford recently took to her Substack to eulogize the '90s, lamenting that with the birth of screens came the death of patience and boredom — two necessities to any kid's summer vacation. But screen time has become so baked into our lives that opting out is almost unheard of, says Shayl Griffith, PhD, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling, Recreation and School Psychology at Florida International University (FIU) and researcher at FIU's Center for Children and Families. 'Because devices and content are more easily accessible and varied, having a 'low-tech' summer would be very difficult for most families without deliberate planning and structure,' Griffith tells Yahoo. ''Low-tech' and 'unstructured' for most families is not going to go hand in hand in this digital landscape.' In other words, kids without a schedule are bound to wind up scrolling through YouTube all day instead of running through the sprinkler with pals from the neighborhood. Being intentional is the antidote, Griffith says. Whatever that looks like is up to each family. She recommends parents talk with their children about what their ideal summer includes — time outdoors, playing with friends, pursuing a hobby, etc. — and let those pursuits lead the way. 'A screen time routine for the summer should then be built to fit around these other important and valued activities and goals,' she says. Fostering independence — to a degree Oxford tells Yahoo Life that '90s kid summers don't work today because the world is different. 'You can't put your kid outside until the streetlights come on when Karen next door will call Child Services,' she says. 'You can't let them walk to the corner store when every parent is tracking their location with an app.' Even when phone-free time is intentional, it can still be nerve-racking. Elizabeth Cuneo, an operations manager from Denver, says she's happy that her 15-year-old daughter and their friends sometimes pile their phones together when they hang out. But it's also stressful because it means 'none of the parents can reach the kids,' she says. She looks for the middle ground wherever possible. For example, her daughter is allowed to take the bus by herself but only to certain agreed-upon places. Her 13-year-old son also knows how far he is allowed to venture off solo. 'We're trying to be more OK with them going within a boundary,' Cuneo says. 'I'm trying to give them freedom within that box, and part of what makes that possible is [knowing] people in my neighborhood. It helps me feel safe.' Neighborhood watch Indeed, many say the opportunity to lean on other parents is essential to the success of a '90s kid summer. Jessica Penzari, a publicist from New York City, says that during the school year in the Big Apple, she is watching her 7-year-old son 'like a hawk.' But when the family treks down to Virginia each summer, all the local moms chip in. 'Parents watch out for each other,' Penzari says. 'It's more insulated and slower-paced, so I feel a lot more comfortable letting him walk to a friend's house up the street.' But just as other parents can be vital to a child's burgeoning independence, they can also interfere with it. Peter Lo, a communications technology professional from the Bay Area, says it can be awkward seeing other parents hovering over his kids, ages 4 and 7, as they play. 'I sometimes think they're judging us,' he says. 'But [kids] need some controlled failure and some degree of risk.' Penzari agrees, adding that her son needs to develop his own sense of self without mom helicoptering above. 'It's really hard for kids to foster their own sense of self when you're with them,' she says. What comes next? One potential caveat of the '90s kid summer: the return to real life in the fall. The start of the school year — with its packed schedules and endless to-do lists — can be dizzying for a child who has spent all summer living a more analog life. Griffith encourages consistency wherever possible to smooth the transition back to school. 'When routines are changed during the summer, it can be difficult to change them back at the start of the school year,' she says. So maybe a screen-free, low-supervised summer just isn't realistic right now. Or maybe some parts of it are. The most important thing, Griffith adds, is to create a setup that works for your family. "There is no one right way to 'do' summer,' she says. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
12 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
I'm about to have my 3rd kid. This is the advice I'm giving myself.
"Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up." Welcoming a new baby when you already have other children comes with its own joys and challenges. There's the excitement of having another child to love, plus a lot more experience under your belt. But your attention as parents is pulled in multiple directions, and sibling rivalry may rear its head. As your home becomes busier and noisier, that adjustment can feel a bit overwhelming for everyone. With the right preparation, however, the initial chaos can become an opportunity to grow together as a family. In the ninth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, talk about how having another child affects your family dynamic and how to get ready for this big change. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin — who is herself expecting her third child — gives advice on how to prepare older kids for the arrival of a new sibling. She also shares the three key conversations to have with your partner, children and family ahead of time. When a new baby arrives, the entire family system reorganizes. Psychologists call this a normative crisis — a totally expected, but major disruption to family structure and roles. It's not just adding a baby. It's subtracting predictability, control and often sleep. Everyone's sense of place gets shaken up, and that can cause stress (and growth). Suddenly, the house that was running on a (semi) functional routine is now fueled by baby poop, two-hour sleep stretches and trying to figure out when you can shower again. The whole system tilts. And as it does, expect things like: your toddler starting to act like the baby (hello, potty regressions and demands to 'hold me!' 24/7); you and your partner playing 'Who's more tired?' like it's a competitive sport; and you questioning if you're 'doing enough' for everyone (newsflash: you are). But here's your empowering reframe: It's not a breakdown — it's a rebirth. For your family. For your identity. For your relationships. The dynamics will change, and they should. You're not going back to how things were. You're building something new. And that's not scary, that's powerful. How can parents prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? Here's the deal: Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up. And without prep? That 'bundle of joy' shows up, and your toddler's like, 'Return to sender. Immediately.' So let's flip the script before the jealousy, tantrums or regressions hit. My No. 1 tip: Use books, shows and dolls to play it out. Pretend the doll is crying. Ask your kid what they think the baby needs. Let them 'help.' This isn't just cute — it's how little brains process big stuff. The more familiar this whole new 'baby life' feels, the less overwhelming and scary it'll feel once it's happening in real life. And that means fewer meltdowns, tantrums and unwanted behavior for you! Talking about the baby early and often also helps. Not in a 'you're gonna be a big brother, yay!' way, but in a 'this will feel exciting and really different' way. Be real and be repetitive. It means preparing them for what life with a new baby might look like. For example, try explaining that 'babies cry a lot because they don't know how to use words yet. We help them feel safe until they grow their words — just like we helped you.' Once the baby arrives, enlist older siblings as helpers by giving them a job to do. 'Alright! Baby needs a new outfit. Do you want to pick?' You're not replacing them — you're giving them a powerful new position and setting them up to feel really proud and special. It's about helping them feel safe, seen and still important in a totally new family dynamic. Although it's easy to 'blame' the baby for your not being as widely available to your other children as you used to be, that can create resentment. Here's what to do instead: Rather than saying things like, 'I can't play with you right now because I'm feeding the baby' or 'Shhh!!!! The baby is napping!' use words that don't make baby the reason we can't have any fun. For example: 'I would love to play with you — I just need five minutes. What do you want to play?' Or: 'It's quiet time in the house. What quiet game should we play together?' How can parents manage the guilt or anxiety that comes with dividing attention among multiple kids? Ah yes … the guilt. That sneaky voice whispering, 'You're not doing enough for your firstborn. You're failing. Everyone's going to need therapy.' Let's get this straight: Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're failing. It means you care. It means you're deeply invested in doing right by your kids, which, ironically, is proof that you already are. Here's the reframe: You're not supposed to split yourself into perfect thirds. You're meant to show up in little, consistent bursts of presence. Research shows that short moments of attuned attention, even just 10 minutes, create the secure attachment kids need. Not constant entertainment. Not equal time. Just enough 'I see you' to fill their cup. Let us shout this from the rooftops: You are not a bad parent because you can't give everyone 100% of you all the time. You are a human. It's not possible and shouldn't be your goal. Here's how to quiet the guilt spiral: Name the feelings. 'This feels hard because I care so much about both of them.' That's not failure — that's love. Shift your measurement. Don't measure your parenting in hours; measure it in tiny moments of connection. A 10-minute cuddle. A wink across the room. A whispered, 'I see you, and I love you so much, just as you are.' Trust the big picture. Your love doesn't shrink with another child — it stretches. And you're teaching your kids something priceless: how to make room for each other, how to wait, how to work as a team and navigate things together. Yes, it's messy and loud. It'll sometimes feel like someone's always crying (maybe it's you). But it's not a failure. It's a family in transition, and you're doing it. And lastly? The hard chapters don't last forever. You change, the dynamics change, your kids change — it's hard to remember that in the tough moments. But it's true. What conversations should families have before a new baby arrives to feel like a team? This isn't just about prepping your hospital bag. It's about prepping your people — your partner, your kids, your support system. Otherwise, you're the only one holding the weight of this massive transition. Ask yourself: What does support actually look like for me? It might be: your partner handling 100% of toddler snacks, school runs and bedtime. Your mom or a friend helping with dishes, or friends setting up a meal train (people want to help you — let them!). And if you're a friend reading this, go more concrete rather than vague, so stuff like 'What's your fav coffee order?' or 'I'm going to drop off food this afternoon,' instead of 'Let me know if you need anything.' In your family, the most important pre-baby conversations aren't about bassinets. They're about boundaries, expectations and who's doing what while you're recovering. Here are three key talks to have: With your partner: 'What does support look like for me and for us? I want you to lead, not ask. I need to be able to rest and recover, guilt-free. I need water and food before I'm a hungry, crying monster. You're on kid duty for the first two weeks. What do you need? How can we make a system that works for us both?' Figuring it all out ahead of time — before you're in the chaos — is a game changer. With your village: 'Want to help? Amazing. Here's how: meals, dishes, take the toddler to the park. No visitors unless invited.' Adapt it to exactly what you want. The more explicit, the more effective. And don't forget: Your people love you and want to help. Let them! You're not a burden. This is a unique, short amount of time in the grand scheme of life. Lean in. With your kids: 'Things will feel different for a while. The first week or two, we'll do lots of resting together — you can always snuggle with me. I just won't be able to walk a lot as my body gets better. So if you need snacks, help with going potty or anything else, Daddy will be the main helper. It won't be forever, just at first. And I always love you — that will never change!' You can adapt this to be what you want to express. Being flexible is also important. Set the expectation: 'If something's not working, we will pivot together.' You're modeling how to handle change and how to stay connected through it. Bottom line? Birth changes everything. But when you talk about it first, it doesn't break everything. It builds something deeper. More honest. More resilient. And that's a win for the whole family. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
13 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
I'm about to have my 3rd kid. This is the advice I'm giving myself.
"Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up." Welcoming a new baby when you already have other children comes with its own joys and challenges. There's the excitement of having another child to love, plus a lot more experience under your belt. But your attention as parents is pulled in multiple directions, and sibling rivalry may rear its head. As your home becomes busier and noisier, that adjustment can feel a bit overwhelming for everyone. With the right preparation, however, the initial chaos can become an opportunity to grow together as a family. In the ninth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, talk about how having another child affects your family dynamic and how to get ready for this big change. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin — who is herself expecting her third child — gives advice on how to prepare older kids for the arrival of a new sibling. She also shares the three key conversations to have with your partner, children and family ahead of time. When a new baby arrives, the entire family system reorganizes. Psychologists call this a normative crisis — a totally expected, but major disruption to family structure and roles. It's not just adding a baby. It's subtracting predictability, control and often sleep. Everyone's sense of place gets shaken up, and that can cause stress (and growth). Suddenly, the house that was running on a (semi) functional routine is now fueled by baby poop, two-hour sleep stretches and trying to figure out when you can shower again. The whole system tilts. And as it does, expect things like: your toddler starting to act like the baby (hello, potty regressions and demands to 'hold me!' 24/7); you and your partner playing 'Who's more tired?' like it's a competitive sport; and you questioning if you're 'doing enough' for everyone (newsflash: you are). But here's your empowering reframe: It's not a breakdown — it's a rebirth. For your family. For your identity. For your relationships. The dynamics will change, and they should. You're not going back to how things were. You're building something new. And that's not scary, that's powerful. How can parents prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? Here's the deal: Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up. And without prep? That 'bundle of joy' shows up, and your toddler's like, 'Return to sender. Immediately.' So let's flip the script before the jealousy, tantrums or regressions hit. My No. 1 tip: Use books, shows and dolls to play it out. Pretend the doll is crying. Ask your kid what they think the baby needs. Let them 'help.' This isn't just cute — it's how little brains process big stuff. The more familiar this whole new 'baby life' feels, the less overwhelming and scary it'll feel once it's happening in real life. And that means fewer meltdowns, tantrums and unwanted behavior for you! Talking about the baby early and often also helps. Not in a 'you're gonna be a big brother, yay!' way, but in a 'this will feel exciting and really different' way. Be real and be repetitive. It means preparing them for what life with a new baby might look like. For example, try explaining that 'babies cry a lot because they don't know how to use words yet. We help them feel safe until they grow their words — just like we helped you.' Once the baby arrives, enlist older siblings as helpers by giving them a job to do. 'Alright! Baby needs a new outfit. Do you want to pick?' You're not replacing them — you're giving them a powerful new position and setting them up to feel really proud and special. It's about helping them feel safe, seen and still important in a totally new family dynamic. Although it's easy to 'blame' the baby for your not being as widely available to your other children as you used to be, that can create resentment. Here's what to do instead: Rather than saying things like, 'I can't play with you right now because I'm feeding the baby' or 'Shhh!!!! The baby is napping!' use words that don't make baby the reason we can't have any fun. For example: 'I would love to play with you — I just need five minutes. What do you want to play?' Or: 'It's quiet time in the house. What quiet game should we play together?' How can parents manage the guilt or anxiety that comes with dividing attention among multiple kids? Ah yes … the guilt. That sneaky voice whispering, 'You're not doing enough for your firstborn. You're failing. Everyone's going to need therapy.' Let's get this straight: Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're failing. It means you care. It means you're deeply invested in doing right by your kids, which, ironically, is proof that you already are. Here's the reframe: You're not supposed to split yourself into perfect thirds. You're meant to show up in little, consistent bursts of presence. Research shows that short moments of attuned attention, even just 10 minutes, create the secure attachment kids need. Not constant entertainment. Not equal time. Just enough 'I see you' to fill their cup. Let us shout this from the rooftops: You are not a bad parent because you can't give everyone 100% of you all the time. You are a human. It's not possible and shouldn't be your goal. Here's how to quiet the guilt spiral: Name the feelings. 'This feels hard because I care so much about both of them.' That's not failure — that's love. Shift your measurement. Don't measure your parenting in hours; measure it in tiny moments of connection. A 10-minute cuddle. A wink across the room. A whispered, 'I see you, and I love you so much, just as you are.' Trust the big picture. Your love doesn't shrink with another child — it stretches. And you're teaching your kids something priceless: how to make room for each other, how to wait, how to work as a team and navigate things together. Yes, it's messy and loud. It'll sometimes feel like someone's always crying (maybe it's you). But it's not a failure. It's a family in transition, and you're doing it. And lastly? The hard chapters don't last forever. You change, the dynamics change, your kids change — it's hard to remember that in the tough moments. But it's true. What conversations should families have before a new baby arrives to feel like a team? This isn't just about prepping your hospital bag. It's about prepping your people — your partner, your kids, your support system. Otherwise, you're the only one holding the weight of this massive transition. Ask yourself: What does support actually look like for me? It might be: your partner handling 100% of toddler snacks, school runs and bedtime. Your mom or a friend helping with dishes, or friends setting up a meal train (people want to help you — let them!). And if you're a friend reading this, go more concrete rather than vague, so stuff like 'What's your fav coffee order?' or 'I'm going to drop off food this afternoon,' instead of 'Let me know if you need anything.' In your family, the most important pre-baby conversations aren't about bassinets. They're about boundaries, expectations and who's doing what while you're recovering. Here are three key talks to have: With your partner: 'What does support look like for me and for us? I want you to lead, not ask. I need to be able to rest and recover, guilt-free. I need water and food before I'm a hungry, crying monster. You're on kid duty for the first two weeks. What do you need? How can we make a system that works for us both?' Figuring it all out ahead of time — before you're in the chaos — is a game changer. With your village: 'Want to help? Amazing. Here's how: meals, dishes, take the toddler to the park. No visitors unless invited.' Adapt it to exactly what you want. The more explicit, the more effective. And don't forget: Your people love you and want to help. Let them! You're not a burden. This is a unique, short amount of time in the grand scheme of life. Lean in. With your kids: 'Things will feel different for a while. The first week or two, we'll do lots of resting together — you can always snuggle with me. I just won't be able to walk a lot as my body gets better. So if you need snacks, help with going potty or anything else, Daddy will be the main helper. It won't be forever, just at first. And I always love you — that will never change!' You can adapt this to be what you want to express. Being flexible is also important. Set the expectation: 'If something's not working, we will pivot together.' You're modeling how to handle change and how to stay connected through it. Bottom line? Birth changes everything. But when you talk about it first, it doesn't break everything. It builds something deeper. More honest. More resilient. And that's a win for the whole family. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
New Fisher-Price Play Kits by 'Big Little Feelings' Help Parents Tackle Toddler Milestones
The new collection is designed to help parents conquer challenging toddler behavior in true BLF fashion: as easily as possible. Aptly known as the toddler experts within just about every mom group in the country, child therapist Deena Margolin, LMFT, and Kristin Gallant—the duo behind Big Little Feelings (BLF)—are two of the most trusted parenting coaches around. Since 2020, they have been offering up unmatched and unfiltered advice to millions of caregivers on the developmental needs of young children to help make navigating life with little ones a lot easier. But now, Margolin and Gallant are officially expanding their fan base by going straight to the source: toddlers. In a new partnership with Fisher-Price, BLF just released its first-ever line of products designed for both children and parents. The solution-based play kits aim to help families power through a few of the trickiest toddler milestones together. Parents spoke with Margolin and Gallant to get the exclusive details on their new venture to change the toddler game through play. All About the New Fisher-Price x Big Little Feelings Collection Developed by toy experts with insights from real moms, the Fisher-Price x Big Little Feelings collection features four different play kits curated to help kids ages 18 months to 3 years learn new developmental skills essential for bedtime, potty training, calming down, or sharing. For toddlers, each kit features an interactive toy and a custom board book featuring fun characters navigating a particular scenario. While the book may need to be read together around naptime, the toys are purposefully designed to be fun (and effective) for kids to use on their own. Think buttons toddlers can press to play prompts on how to share with friends, and even ones that recite a step-by-step bedtime routine for kids to follow. 'The reason why we teamed up with Fisher-Price and loved working with them is because we wanted to make the toy itself interactive so that it can actively teach just like a parent would,' Gallant says. 'This way, parents can get involved, yet they can also know that kids will be learning something great through independent play, too.' And speaking of parents, each kit also includes a customized 5- to 10-minute mini-course on the topic at hand, inspired by the brand's popular in-depth parenting courses. 'The mini-courses are completely customized for each play kit and super comprehensive,' Margolin says. 'After those 5 to 10 minutes, you will walk away knowing how to solve the problem of sharing, potty training, bedtime battles, and big feelings and tantrums.' Here's a closer look inside each new Fisher-Price x Big Little Feelings play kit. Fisher-Price® Big Little Feelings® Potty Training Kit (Ages 18+ months) Everything you need to get started on this major milestone, including a toddler training toilet, board book, plush toy with a matching mini pretend potty, fidget popper toy, and mini-course with strategies to prepare parents for the (wild) adventure that is potty training. Fisher-Price® Big Little Feelings® Sharing Kit (Ages 3+ years) To introduce new social-emotional skills, this set includes a pretend playset featuring an ice cream bucket with 15 play pieces, plus an electronic monster toy, board book, and mini-course with tips for teaching the importance of sharing and kindness for parents. Fisher-Price® Big Little Feelings® Calm Down Kit (Ages 2+ years) To help toddlers navigate big emotions, this play kit includes two toys, a board book, and access to a mini-course with strategies on handling tantrums in real-time for parents. Fisher-Price® Big Little Feelings® Bedtime Routine Kit (Ages 18+ months) This set includes an electronic house playset, monster figure, custom board book, and a mini-course with smart sleep tips to help parents and kids struggling with bedtime. The play kits range in price from $32.99 to $53.99, and the entire Fisher-Price x Big Little Feelings collection is now available at Target and on Amazon. How BLF Is Helping Parents Transform Toddler Behavior Through Play It's not groundbreaking news that different types of play can help kids learn cognitive, physical, and social-emotional skills. In fact, child therapists have been using play to help kids work through tough toddler milestones inside their offices for decades, Margolin explains. 'What we're doing with these play kits is leveraging what we know about neuroscience, which is when you practice something, you're actually building new neural pathways to learn that action,' Margolin says. 'Play is a game changer for changing behaviors with kids.' But now, Margolin, a mom of two, and Gallant, a mom of three, are aiming to do something truly groundbreaking: making this expert method of teaching toddlers behaviors more accessible for parents because they know firsthand just how much caregivers could use the support. 'We all know that the best way that kids can learn better behavior is through play, but never before has it come into the home,' Gallant says. 'This is the only play kit that is designed to challenge those tough behaviors and transform them overnight through play and through a child's language. There's nothing like it, and that is what we're really, really excited about.' Read the original article on Parents Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
7 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
The 1 calming phrase I use to get my kids to listen
Being a parent often means feeling like a broken record. Whether it's reminding your kid to brush their teeth, put their dirty socks in the hamper or do their math homework for the third time, it can be frustrating to have to repeat yourself again and again. When kids don't listen, yelling can feel like your only option to get their attention. But there are other, more effective ways to handle things when your kids don't seem to hear you. In the eighth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, shed some light on what parents often get wrong about kids' ability to listen and why it can be triggering when it seems like your child is ignoring you. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin shares the key phrase she uses to get her kids to listen. Listening is not the same as hearing. Just because your child heard you say, 'Put on your shoes,' doesn't mean their brain has the skills to stop what they're doing, shift gears, hold the request in their working memory and actually follow through. Those are executive functioning skills — and they're housed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is only 25% developed by age 3 and still under construction into the mid-20s. So when we expect a 4-year-old to 'listen the first time,' we're essentially expecting a flip phone to operate like an iPhone 15. Also, not listening does not equal disrespect. Most of the time, it's dysregulation (they're overwhelmed), distraction (they're in the zone) or developmental immaturity (their brain literally isn't there yet). The takeaway? Listening is a skill, not a character trait. It's built over time through modeling, connection, co-regulation and repetition — not through punishment or yelling. Why is it so triggering when our kids don't listen, and how can parents stay calm instead of being reactive? When your child ignores you for the third time, it's not just about the moment. It taps into something deeper. It can feel like, 'They're not respecting me,' 'I must be failing as a parent' or 'No one listens to me.' These thoughts activate our own nervous system, especially if we weren't listened to or respected as kids or if we were punished harshly for 'not listening.' That's why the first step isn't even about your child — it's about you. Try this when you feel that surge of anger rise up: Put your hand on your chest. Take a breath and say, 'I'm safe. I'm a good parent. My child's brain is still developing.' It sounds simple, but that pause interrupts your stress response and brings your thinking brain back online so you can respond instead of react. What's one surprisingly effective phrase that builds real cooperation with your kids? One phrase that's been gold in my house: 'Let's do it together.' When I see one of my kids spinning out, ignoring me or avoiding the task, instead of demanding compliance, I lean into connection: 'Need help starting?' 'Let's race to the shoes!' 'Should we do the first step together and then you finish?' The reason this works is simple neuroscience: Connection regulates the brain. Regulation opens the mind. An open mind is capable of cooperation. The goal is never perfect obedience. It's building real skills — focus, flexibility, follow-through — through a foundation of safety. Other tools I love and use: Get into their world. Before you ask them to enter your world (put shoes on, clean up, come to dinner), enter theirs — even just for 10 seconds. This might look like narrating what they're doing: 'Whoa, you're building a giant spaceship!' Or offering playful connection: 'Can your astronaut help me blast off to the bathroom for teeth brushing?' Here's why it works: It helps their brain shift gears with less resistance. You're not dragging them out of a flow state — you're inviting them into connection first. This signals safety, which opens the door to cooperation. Keep it short and positive. Skip the lecture. Give the instruction in five words or fewer, and tell them what to do instead of what not to do. 'Walking feet.' 'Hands stay to yourself.' 'Shoes on, please.' Why it works: Their developing brain can only process so much at once. Short, clear cues reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and keep their nervous system calm enough to follow through. Make it concrete and visual. If you find yourself repeating the same instructions over and over, make it visual. Create a morning routine chart with pictures, a simple checklist with drawings or photos, or a timer or hourglass to show how long until you leave the house. Why it works: Visuals reduce verbal overload, increase independence and help kids see what's expected, which is especially helpful for neurodivergent kids or during transitions. Final thought If your child listens 25% of the time and their brain is only 25% developed, that math actually checks out. It doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're parenting a human, not a robot. And the more you understand the brain behind the behavior, the less you take it personally and the more powerful you become.
