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Scottish Sun
02-07-2025
- Scottish Sun
My wife betrayed me by having affair and now she's taking me to the cleaners – she's turned so cruel and cold
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife betrayed me by having an affair and now she is taking me to the cleaners. I don't recognise the woman she's become. She has turned so cruel and cold. Now I'm set to lose everything — my home, money and my kids — while she lives the life of Riley. I don't know where to turn. I'm 42 and she's 40. We've been married for 15 years and have three children, aged between eight and 12. Earlier this year, I discovered she'd been seeing a man she met online. They were sneaking around, having sex, while I was at work or looking after our children. I was devastated, but told her I'd forgive her. I didn't want to break my family apart. But she wasn't having it, and asked me to leave our house. 'The kids need their mum,' she said. I've had to carry on paying half the mortgage, as well as rent for my own flat — and for all the loans we had taken out together. I'm left with barely enough money to buy food for myself each month. To add insult to injury, a few weeks after I was forced out, she moved her boyfriend in. I don't know what to do. I can't stop paying, as I need to support my kids. She says she'll stop me seeing them if I don't pay my share. And if I get into debt it will ruin my credit rating too. Although I have spoken to a solicitor, I can't afford legal fees, and going to court will take a year. I feel totally destroyed. All I ever did was love her and my kids. How can she get away with this? DEIDRE SAYS: This is a horrible situation and no, it isn't fair. She has treated you appallingly but you are doing well to keep your relationship with your children a priority. In the long term, they will thank you for that. But we have a no-fault divorce system in this country, which means her behaviour – however cruel – has no bearing on financial matters. Moving her boyfriend in, however, could have an impact on what she is entitled to. Painful as it must be, try to stay focused and practical. Talk to Both Parents Matter (0300 0300 363, for advice on your rights and see for information on finances and divorce. My support pack, Thinking Of Divorce, also contains useful contacts and tips. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. BEST MATE'S UNHEALTHY HABITS SURE TO KILL HIM DEAR DEIDRE: I FEAR my best friend is heading for an early grave due to his unhealthy lifestyle. Worryingly, however many times I tell him he needs to change, he says he's fine. What can I do? My friend and I are both approaching 60. We met 30 years ago. He was a fit, handsome guy then. But now he's overweight, drinks too much and doesn't get enough sleep. He still smokes and he lives on microwave meals and takeaways. His beer gut is so big, it's hard to hug him. I worry that he's a heart attack waiting to happen. When I talk to him about it he gets annoyed and says I shouldn't try to change him. Sometimes, I wonder if he's a bit lonely and depressed. He's been single since his divorce. DEIDRE SAYS: Your best friend is an adult and, sadly, you can't make him change his ways. All you can do is show him you're worried about him, and truly care. It sounds like he's in denial. Rather than nagging him, take practical measures to support him. Invite him round for healthy food and offer to help him give up smoking. Perhaps ask him to join you at the gym or a walking club so you get fit together. If you think he may be depressed, encourage him to see his doctor. My support pack, Help For Your Depression, might also be useful. SEX WITH HUBBY IS PAINFUL AND DULL DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my husband now feels like just another unpleasant chore, along with the housework or my tax return. So, I've told him I won't be doing it any more. I feel guilty but I don't see why I should have to endure something I don't enjoy, just to make him happy. We're in our late forties and have been married for 20 years. We used to have a healthy sex life, but since perimenopause kicked in for me, it's been downright painful. My husband still wants to have sex at least once a week and says it's important for us to be intimate. But I just don't feel any emotional connection. Sex is purely a physical act, for his pleasure – an obligation. But this issue is starting to affect our marriage. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Sex shouldn't be painful and it shouldn't feel like a chore. You need to work together to find a compromise, which may also help to bring you closer. See your GP about menopause treatments, which should make sex more comfortable, and increase your libido. Work together to find out what feels good. But the onus shouldn't be on you to solve this. He needs to respect your feelings too. Take intercourse off the table while you focus on affection – kissing, cuddling and massaging each other. Think about having couples counselling. My support packs, Reviving A Woman's Sex Drive, and Menopause Problems, should help. HIS MOODINESS UNDERMINES ME DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I try to be intimate with my boyfriend, he pushes me away. But the next minute, he's all over me, telling me how much he loves me and talking about plans for the future. I'm so confused and barely know whether I'm coming or going. We've been seeing each other for two years and are both in our early thirties. At the start, he was the perfect boyfriend – always complimenting me and wanting to take me out and show me off. The sex was amazing, it really felt like he couldn't get enough of me. Things started going awry when I moved in with him. He started causing arguments about nothing. Sometimes, he'll tell me he wasn't sure about us, and perhaps I should move out. The next day, he'll be full of apologies. He also seems to have gone off sex, except when he wants it. If I come on to him, he rejects me. I'm left feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Whatever I do or say seems to be wrong. I feel so insecure and can't understand what he wants from me. But I don't want to leave him and start all over again. I really thought he was the one. DEIDRE SAYS: He may not intend to hurt you, but his behaviour is emotionally abusive. He's made you feel you can no longer be yourself or express what you want. You're dancing to his tune, according to his moods. Perhaps he doesn't know what he wants. But if that's the case, you both need to talk to improve the relationship, or mutually decide to split. Read my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, and ask him to be honest with you. If nothing changes, it might be best to walk away. Starting again won't be easy but you deserve better than to let a man control and diminish you.
Scottish Sun
06-06-2025
- Scottish Sun
My girlfriend dumped me after she had several affairs – and is lying to friends and family that I'm the cheater
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY lazy girlfriend spent all day on TikTok and social media, while I worked, cleaned the house and looked after the kids. Now I've learned she was constantly setting up new hook-ups and conducting several affairs. I'm not even sure if both my children are actually mine, or if I've been bringing up one of her lovers' kids. Talk about disrespect. Now she has thrown me out and told everyone I'm the one who has been cheating on her, so they think I'm the bad guy. I don't know what to do. I'm 42 and she's 40. We've been together for 12 years and have two children, aged ten and eight. If I'm honest, she treated me badly from the start. She often lied about where she was going, met up with exes who she pretended were just friends and secretly messaged other men. But she was always ready with a good excuse and she used her charms to reel me back in. We only had sex when she wanted it, the way she wanted it. She'd use it to control me. A couple of years after we had our first baby, a man turned up saying the boy was his. I was gutted as, by then, I loved the child. She denied it, of course. After that, we had patches where things were OK, but then she'd start being secretive again. If I said anything it would end up in a huge, nasty row. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships Last week, out of the blue, she told me to pack my stuff and leave. She accused me of having an affair — which is ridiculous, as there is no time, with a full-time job, housework and all the childcare. She has told her friends and family the same story, so they hate me. She said she'd just started seeing someone else. I think she has actually been seeing him for months. I feel like I've been used, chewed up and spat out. But if I tell people the truth they won't believe me. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been in an abusive relationship with a woman who sounds like a narcissist. She gaslit you – and everyone else – and now it sounds like she's moved on to her next prey. This is not your fault. You're a good man who has tried to do your best for your family. You need support for your emotional health, advice to make sure you continue to have a relationship with your children and that you get what you're legally entitled to. Don't worry about what others think. I'm sure they're aware of what she's really like. My support pack, Abusive Partner, will show you where to get help. For advice on your rights, contact Both Parents Matter ( 0300 0300 363). Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Thank you for advice when my guy faced a trial DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my partner faced imprisonment, leaving me and our three children to manage alone, I was petrified. He was charged with assault and due to stand trial. I believed he was innocent, but we were warned he could face several years in prison. I'm in my mid-40s and we have been together since we were teenagers. The long lead-up to the trial was making me so anxious, and I didn't know how I'd be able to cope if he was sent down. But I couldn't tell him how worried I was as I didn't want to upset him more. I knew I needed to stay strong for our kids and stop feeling so depressed and weepy, so I wrote to you for advice. You were so understanding, telling me I needed support and shouldn't keep my feelings inside. You recommended I contact a charity called Prisoners' Families ( 0808 808 2003) who could guide me through what to expect, and be there for me. I appreciated that you didn't patronise me, acknowledging that simply saying 'don't worry' wasn't going to help. You sent me your support pack on Coping With Stress, which showed me ways to relax. Although I am still very anxious, I now feel better able to cope. Thank you Deidre. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad that my advice helped – but you're stronger than you think. Remember, there is support out there if your partner does go to prison. HURT BY HIS SEX TALK WITH EX, BUT I WANT TO REUNITE DEAR DEIDRE: I BROKE up with my boyfriend because he told his ex intimate details about our relationship, but now I'm wondering if I made a big mistake. I'm not sure if I can trust him, but I miss and love him. We're both in our late 20s and were together for 11 months. As our relationship developed, he sent out strong signals that he was thinking about marriage and was going to propose. But then I found out he was still good friends with his ex. She has a new partner, so I wasn't jealous, but I did feel uncomfortable. One day, a message from her flashed up on his WhatsApp. It asked if he'd had any more luck getting me into bed. I was horrified and humiliated, and had a massive row with my boyfriend, which led to us breaking up. We got back together, but after that I found it hard to trust him. He admitted he didn't want to give up his friendship with his ex. He also said that he wasn't ready to get married, and didn't know if he ever would be. I decided to end the relationship again. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing. I can't stop thinking about him. DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your ex boyfriend wasn't as happy about waiting for sex as he'd first appeared. It was wrong of him to share intimate details with his ex, but perhaps he needed to talk to someone he trusted. In a way, it's good he's been honest now and made it clear he isn't ready for marriage. It also sounds like he's not completely over his ex. If marriage is what you want, then perhaps it's better for you to find someone who shares your values and is ready for that commitment. If you get back together, the same issues will inevitably crop up again. It would be helpful for you to talk this through with a counsellor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: ONE of my mates believes I'm her best friend, but I find her spoiled and annoying. Three of us hang out together, but it's the other girl who's really my best pal, and she just gets in the way. We're all 16 and at school together. Last weekend, she got upset because she didn't want to go to a particular shop, so my best friend and I just went together. She says we should have included her and gone somewhere else. It's causing stress. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Friendship groups can be tricky, as someone is always going to feel excluded. She sounds insecure. Maybe she's aware you prefer your other friend. Try to explain, kindly. But if things don't get better, you might need to distance yourself from her. My support pack, Rows With Friends, should help.
