Latest news with #ChangeYourLife
Yahoo
10-07-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Why do I hate my job? Am I drinking too much? What people really ask a shrink
Owen O'Kane worked as a nurse in palliative care for 10 years before retraining as a psychotherapist. He eventually rose to become a clinical lead for the NHS. O'Kane now works in private practice and is the author of four books including 'How to be Your Own Therapist' and 'Addicted to Anxiety'. He appears as an expert on BBC One's 'Change Your Mind, Change Your Life'. People tend to come into therapy with the most 'respectable' version of their story. The problem they start with isn't the real issue. For example, someone might start off by saying 'I want to work on public speaking and confidence', but once I get to know them, they may also be dealing with issues around self-worth – or 'imposter syndrome' – where they wonder whether they are good enough, or will be 'found out'. It's rare for a therapist to be shocked by a client's story: we've heard it all. That's not to say we're immune, however, and sometimes a person's story can bring up something from a therapist's own past. This isn't necessarily a bad thing – the best therapists in my opinion are those who have walked the walk. Mostly, our job is to 'be alongside' the client and help them understand their story, their symptoms, where they have got stuck and how to find a way through. Hope is at the centre of everything. Feelings of shame, helplessness or even 'unlovability' can underpin many everyday issues. More often than not, these relate back to adverse childhood events, or some degree of trauma that's never been dealt with. Anxiety has always been common, but these days I am seeing more of it. Diagnosable conditions such as panic disorder, OCD, PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder have been around for years, but an increasing number of people are reporting what I'd call more chronic everyday anxiety – feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or struggling with uncertainty. There's a risk that if this chronic anxiety isn't dealt with, it can lead to a more serious acute condition. Even a statement like 'I'm feeling anxious about the climate' usually has a link to the person's own story – 'am I safe?', 'Can I cope?', 'I don't know how to manage the uncertainty'. Here are the five most common everyday problems I see in my treatment room: When a client starts the conversation with a statement like this, my job is to try to unpick it. 'What does this look like?' I'll ask – and am usually met with a list of the factual things that are going on, such as: 'I'm too busy at work, I've got too much on, I'm worried about paying my mortgage.' Of course, everyday life events can contribute to feeling stressed, but it's the person's internal reaction to these events that's the important thing. Many people struggle with uncertainty and not knowing how things are going to turn out. The adrenalin from this is making them feel on edge or perhaps making it hard for them to sleep. There are two approaches that can help. The first is practical: to try to break down the contributing problems, to make them feel more manageable, to prioritise and focus on what small next steps would be useful. But the second, deeper part is to challenge the person to look at their beliefs about how things 'should' be when they are proclaiming that life 'isn't fair' or 'it's all too much'. Perhaps it would be more helpful for a person to have a more flexible approach to their problems. Maybe it's OK not to know what's around the corner, that it's acceptable for things to be a bit untidy and that it's OK to ask for help. The client is probably contributing to their problems more than they realise and it's the act of trying to take total control that creates more internal turmoil. Whether they are referring to their intimate relationships or broader interactions with friends or colleagues, it's not unusual for people to struggle. Relationships are the one area where we can be 'hit' quite strongly, and they can often hold a mirror up to parts of ourselves we don't like. There's another layer in that relationships can also be conflictual, and each person will have their own version of events as they go on the attack or run to their own defence. We're all familiar with the blame game – 'he did this, she did that' – but the trick is to notice the feeling evoked in yourself when a person does something you don't like. 'He makes me angry,' a client might tell me. I will respond: 'no, you are angry. You are responsible for your own emotions. You can't rely on another person's behaviour to dictate whether you feel rejected, not seen or not heard.' All this can be difficult to acknowledge. The first step is to be aware of the above, and the second is to ask yourself whether you are willing to take some responsibility in the conflict. (I'm not talking about situations such as domestic violence, abuse or coercive control when responsibility may lie with the other person). My suggestion in any relationship challenge is a four-step process: Understand what has been activated in you. Never react in the moment. Is there another perspective you might consider? Speak to the person when you can balance rationality and emotion. I once worked with a client who was going to end her relationship with a boyfriend because he didn't call her for three days while he was on holiday. She was convinced he was seeing someone else, and was moments from leaving him a voice message to end the relationship. The day was saved when she received a call from him, informing her he was in hospital with a burst appendix. 'So why are you staying?' is always my first question. What my client really wants me to say is 'oh, that's terrible' so they can go into every tiny detail of how awful their job is, but we could sit there for the next 10 years doing that. People tell me they stay in horrible jobs because 'someone has to pay the bills', but the real reason is that they are stuck in their mental state. Again, it comes back to the need for stability and security: people don't like to make changes, and they like predictability, even if it's bad. Earlier in my career, I worked with patients who were dying. This, more than anything, made me realise that life is short. If something is making you miserable – in this instance, your job – then it's not negotiable. There will be an alternative role out there for you that pays the same amount, or possibly even more. Don't use your fear of change or attachment to the old routine as an excuse to remain unhappy. I advise my clients to do a cost-benefit analysis about the factors that might make them leave or stay. Yes, understand that change is scary, but how does that stack up against five more years of misery? It's just possible a new job will make you happier than the one you have now. Plus, if you do find a new role, the realisation that the process wasn't so bad after all will give you invaluable confidence and resilience to help you in the longer term. We aren't necessarily entering the realms of addiction here; this situation could refer to any behaviour that becomes unhelpful and which comes at a cost. It could be drinking or drugs, but it could also be too much sex, shopping or work. Psychologists call these 'maladaptive coping strategies'. An example might be the person who finds it impossible to perform well at work after a bottle of wine at night but feels they 'need' the alcohol to relax and fall asleep. The first thing to realise is that this might be a way of coping, but it may also be creating more challenges and difficulties. My role is to understand what the person in front of me is trying to soothe, repress or avoid. And when I ask my client what that is, most people can answer the question quite easily. Many agree when I suggest they are mostly 'trying not to feel'. 'Do you think it might be useful to start to feel?' I will ask the client. 'Are there other ways you can self-soothe and ease some of the pain in your life?' These are different for everyone: some people might go to the gym, others take long walks, take up painting, join a book club, meditate, but there are invariably alternative solutions. Clients often complain that their relationships aren't progressing, their jobs aren't fulfilling and that life was supposed to be better than it is. Of course, none of this is helped by social media, which leads a person to the assumption that everyone is doing better than they are, which almost certainly isn't true. People rarely share a sh-- day or put a rubbish photo on Instagram. The upshot of this is that many clients internalise their dissatisfaction and blame themselves. They start to believe that if only they had loads of money, a better job, a bigger house, or were thinner or more beautiful, they would be happier. But the truth is, I rarely see this happen. If you try to use the external world to heal internal wounds, this just won't work: it's a bottomless pit. The first thing I do as a therapist is to challenge these beliefs. I ask clients to recall a time when they received the big promotion, the expensive car – and to ask how long the feelings of subsequent feelings of wellbeing lasted. The answer is usually: not long. Once the person is aware of the evidence that none of this worked, they are able to start exploring how they really feel about themselves and begin working on the things that are really standing in the way of their happiness. As told to Miranda Levy Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.
New Statesman
14-05-2025
- Entertainment
- New Statesman
The BBC's new therapy show left me with a full-body cringe
Photo by BBC/Twenty Twenty Productions Right now, the BBC is asking us licence-fee payers to tell the organisation what we want it to be, an exercise it is trialling on screen as a mock TV quiz show, except there are 'no wrong answers'. It probably goes without saying that I won't be participating in this nonsense myself. As if they're going to give in to my requests for a 12-part adaptation of George Gissing's novel New Grub Street and a 360-degree rethink of Newsnight's rubbish new incarnation! But if I was to respond this very moment, I would first demand that no one would ever again be allowed to commission a series as poor and as dubious as Change Your Mind, Change Your Life with Matt and Emma Willis. You may have seen the trailers for this too: a show that makes therapy seem vaguely like an interior-design makeover, all cushions and pot plants and easy remedies. I'll admit that I had to Google its presenters, not so much because I didn't know that Matt Willis was in the band Busted and his wife, Emma, used to present Celebrity Big Brother – though I guess I was a bit hazy – but because I couldn't for the life of me work out why they'd got this gig. Was it, perhaps, an elimination show, the last patient to sob broken-heartedly the first out of the door? But, no. It seems that Matt and Emma are merely big fans of therapy. The things it can do! 'You're not stuck with the brain you've got,' says Emma at one point, an announcement that will come as major news to the nation's transplant surgeons. It works like this: patients new to therapy are matched to various species of shrink and we watch their encounters over the course of three sessions – though not full ones. We get about five minutes of each, and they always come with some kind of magical breakthrough, causal dots having been joined as easily as ABC. In this take on therapy, you see, no one ever lies. They're neither avoidant nor repressed. Argument, even hesitation, is unknown to them, even in the face of the very worst kind of Hallmark-card truism. And guess what? So far – look, I watched as much as my full-body cringe would allow – there have been no failures. Magic wands all round! The patients, however, are not the problem with this show. Even if I can't understand why they want to talk of private feelings on television, I'm sympathetic to their feelings of failure, anxiety and loneliness. One of them suffers from a fear of driving, a phobia from which I suffered myself 20 years ago (I cured it by hiring a former copper, experienced in car-chase situations, to take me out on the road). No, the problem – and it's a grave one – lies on the other side. What kind of therapy do these shrinks practise, and what qualifications do they have? We're never told. I recognised one, the ubiquitous Julia Samuel, a psychotherapist best known for her work around bereavement and a godmother to Prince George, and wondered why on Earth she'd agreed to appear. I can only guess that the justification is, as ever, one of duty, that the uptight people of Britain really must learn that it's good to talk. As for the others, how dismaying they are; how embarrassingly inarticulate and cliché-bound. Even in the hands of a highly intelligent and skilled practitioner, the thinking behind therapy can sound specious, but here it's as if they're reading at random from Eckhart 'The Power of Now' Tolle (in case you don't know, Tolle is a German, Oprah Winfrey-endorsed bestselling author of guides to 'inner transformation'). Professor Steve Peters, a consultant psychiatrist who specialises in sport, tells his patient to be 'in the moment'. Dr Fatoumata Jatta, a clinical psychologist and transformational life coach, tells hers to try to have a 'better relationship with herself' (and also to take up roller-skating again, which she loved as a child). Owen O'Kane, a psychotherapist specialising in depression and anxiety, tells his poor poppet that he senses (based on no evidence that I could see) her 'residual sadness'. He also asks her – ugh – if she wants a hug. What's that? Ah, you want to know what Matt and Emma do. In the end, it comes down to a bit of minor encouragement from the sidelines. It's pitiable, but I guess they're some BBC bigwig's idea of relatable. Change Your Mind, Change Your Life BBC One [See also: Portrait of an 18th-century It girl] Subscribe to The New Statesman today from only £8.99 per month Subscribe Related
Daily Mirror
13-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mirror
Emma Willis opens up on tough health battle after major heart surgery
Weeks after her heart surgery, Emma Willis fronts a new TV show with her husband Matt. But she admits she's been experiencing a new kind of turmoil as she reprises a normal life. Emma Willis returns to screens just weeks after undergoing heart surgery to fix a hole in her heart - and she admits feeling anxious in the aftermath of her operation. The presenter recently revealed on Instagram that she had unknowingly been living with a hole in her heart since birth. 'It's really weird to live with something in our body that we don't know about,' Emma Willis says. But she reassures her fans, adding: 'It's fixed so I'm good and there's no physical pain.' Still the emotional aftermath has been tougher to heal. 'I have a lot of health anxiety,' she says. 'So I'm always checking. Every time my heart flutters or feels strange, I panic.' At the same time, she credits her attentiveness to her body for eventually helping her spot the issue. 'I'm glad I eventually discovered it,' she says. While Emma and her hubby Matt Willis ' careers are thriving, they always prioritise their marriage, alongside raising their three children – Isabelle, 15, Ace, 13, and nine-year-old Trixie. 'We go on date nights all the time because we know how important it is for our marriage,' Matt says. And if they had to choose, they'd happily trade a fancy dinner for a therapy session. 'Nothing's been more important than going to therapy together,' Matt says. 'It's allowed us to really see each other. We never row – it's been 20 years.' Now the pair are sharing their therapy journey with the nation through their new BBC One show Change Your Mind, Change Your Life, where they team up with leading therapists – Owen O'Kane, Julia Samuel MBE, Professor Steve Peters and Dr Fatoumata Jatta – to follow Brits facing everyday challenges, from grief to anxiety, as they try to transform their lives with therapy. Emma, 49, and Matt, 42, leave each participant with an expert, checking in between sessions to offer support. 'The duty of care on the show is next level,' Emma says. 'Our job is to see them along the way, when they've had time to reflect and decompress. But there is a huge care team around the participants, not just the therapists.' In 2023, Matt opened up in a TV documentary about his battles with alcohol and drugs, which remain one of the reasons he's diligent about his mental health. Over the years, he's gathered a toolkit of strategies. 'He's a master of mental health and wellbeing,' says Emma. 'He's done and tried it all.' But therapy wasn't always easy for him to talk about. 'I've had a lot of therapy but, for a long time, I didn't really mention anything about it,' Matt says. 'Because I knew there was a stigma attached. But I've had such incredible experiences with it.' Even Emma once resisted the idea. 'I was that person saying, 'I don't need therapy.' I didn't feel like I needed it,' she says. 'I didn't realise I had anxiety until we went to therapy. When I mentioned Matt playfully calling me a control freak, the therapist said, 'No, that's anxiety.' So, with that, you need to be across everything because of an inner fear. That completely changed how I saw myself.'
Daily Mirror
13-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mirror
Emma and Matt Willis say they've been to therapy - 'it's been transformative'
Shining a light on the power of therapy in their new show, Emma and Matt Willis have first-hand experience - the pair have attended both couple's and individual therapy. They have one of the strongest marriages in showbiz, and now Matt and Emma Willis have revealed therapy is the secret to their relationship. The couple met in 2004 and married in 2008. Today, they credit therapy with helping them maintain their bond, which was often tested by obstacles. While they no longer attend couple's therapy, they're always open for another visit to their therapist's office, if the need ever returns. 'It's been transformative,' says Matt Willis. 'It's changed our relationship. The result was definitely worth it.' Emma Willis agrees. 'We learned how to communicate,' she says. 'When things happen – individually or as a couple – you can't always see each other's point of view. Friends will usually take your side but a therapist helps you see clearly. It's been phenomenal for us.' While the pair's careers are thriving, they always prioritise their marriage, alongside raising their three children – Isabelle, 15, Ace, 13, and nine-year-old Trixie. 'We go on date nights all the time because we know how important it is for our marriage,' Matt says. And if they had to choose, they'd happily trade a fancy dinner for a therapy session. 'Nothing's been more important than going to therapy together,' Matt says. 'It's allowed us to really see each other. We never row – it's been 20 years.' Now the pair are sharing their therapy journey with the nation through their new BBC One show Change Your Mind, Change Your Life. The couple team up with leading therapists – Owen O'Kane, Julia Samuel MBE, Professor Steve Peters and Dr Fatoumata Jatta – to follow Brits facing everyday challenges, from grief to anxiety, as they try to transform their lives with therapy. Emma, 49, and Matt, 42, leave each participant with an expert, checking in between sessions to offer support. 'The duty of care on the show is next level,' Emma says. 'Our job is to see them along the way, when they've had time to reflect and decompress. But there is a huge care team around the participants, not just the therapists.' In 2023, Matt opened up in a TV documentary about his battles with alcohol and drugs, which remain one of the reasons he's diligent about his mental health. Over the years, he's gathered a toolkit of strategies. 'He's a master of mental health and wellbeing,' says Emma. 'He's done and tried it all.' But therapy wasn't always easy for him to talk about. 'I've had a lot of therapy but, for a long time, I didn't really mention anything about it,' Matt says. 'Because I knew there was a stigma attached. But I've had such incredible experiences with it.' Even Emma once resisted the idea. 'I was that person saying, 'I don't need therapy.' I didn't feel like I needed it,' she says. 'I didn't realise I had anxiety until we went to therapy. When I mentioned Matt playfully calling me a control freak, the therapist said, 'No, that's anxiety.' So, with that, you need to be across everything because of an inner fear. That completely changed how I saw myself.' Over time, both Emma and Matt learned how life-changing therapy could be. 'Keeping things in can send you to a dark place,' Emma says. 'The minute you let it out, you start to feel lighter, both physically and emotionally.' Emma was particularly moved by one participant called James. 'He resonated with me. He's a perfectionist and a huge people pleaser,' she says. 'He never thinks he's good enough and that he's going to fail. I'm a lot like that.' Meanwhile, Matt felt an immediate bond with another, Ben. 'I really felt for him,' Matt says. 'He's really young and we chatted for hours, off camera as well. I saw a younger version of me.' Recently, it was Emma's physical health that needed attention. She revealed on Instagram that she had unknowingly been living with a hole in her heart since birth. 'It's really weird to live with something in our body that we don't know about,' she says. 'It's fixed so I'm good and there's no physical pain.' Still the emotional aftermath has been tougher to heal. 'I have a lot of health anxiety,' she says. 'So I'm always checking. Every time my heart flutters or feels strange, I panic.' At the same time, she credits her attentiveness to her body for eventually helping her spot the issue. 'I'm glad I eventually discovered it,' she says. While Emma and Matt are helping destigmatise mental health topics, they know the journey is far from over. 'We love this show and we want to do more with it,' Matt says. 'Raising awareness makes a real difference. Awareness has grown massively over the last decade, but it's still early days. There's so much more to do and we're always open to learning about these things.' With their vulnerability and commitment to others, Emma and Matt hope to show that healing is possible – and that nobody has to struggle alone.
Daily Mirror
13-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mirror
‘I've been in therapy for years - here's 13 reasons why you need it'
Emma and Matt Willis have long reaped the benefits of the therapist's office. Now, they're bringing that same healing to the small screen in their new BBC One show. After wrapping Love Is Blind UK, the pair return in Change Your Mind, Change Your Life - a four-part series hosted by Emma Willis and her hubby, former Busted star Matt Willis, alongside four of Britain's top-rated therapists. It's packed with raw moments and real tools. The show's participants confront every demon - grief, anxiety, self-doubt - as they step into their healing journey. No dazzling lights, no filters, just the messy, brave work of getting better. The new series champions therapy as a tool for transformation. And as someone who's seen eight therapists in twenty years, I can confirm: therapy isn't just helpful - it's life-saving. Here's why. We check in with GPs when our bodies feel off - why not do the same for our minds? These days, I see my therapist after tough days or overstimulating city trips. It's routine care for my mental health and just as necessary. Talking helps, but therapy goes further. It gives you frameworks. Strategies. My current therapist had me create a trauma timeline and even assigned reading - because healing requires structure, not just venting. I was misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by a specialist who'd only seen me once. My current therapist, Jamie, worked with me consistently, challenging that label and eventually helping me get properly diagnosed with C-PTSD and high-functioning autism. BPD came with a mountain of stigma. People treated me like I was dangerous or manipulative. Therapy helped me unlearn the shame and advocate for a rediagnosis that finally made sense. I was abused in every way a child can be. That left deep wounds - and deeper confusion. Therapy helped me name what happened, and finally separate my identity from my trauma. As a teen, I was emotionally explosive. I lashed out at everyone - parents, teachers, friends. Therapy taught me how to regulate my emotions rather than drown in them. Before therapy, I couldn't hold down friendships or romantic connections. Intimacy was terrifying. Now, my relationships are grounded, honest and drama-free. (Well, mostly.) I used to think saying 'no' meant I was mean. Now, I know that boundaries are kindness in disguise - and therapy helped me find the language and courage to set them. I used to fall apart after every breakup. Therapy gave me coping strategies, self-soothing tools, and perspective. Now, I survive endings without losing myself. My trauma taught me I deserved pain. Therapy taught me I didn't. That I am not what happened to me. That I am allowed peace and softness. Even love. Under the wrong label, I was medicated into numbness - Xanax, escitalopram, even antipsychotics. Therapy helped me find what actually worked: a low dose of sertraline, some mediation and a lot less shame. You don't need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. These days, I attend semi-regularly, even during the good times. It keeps me grounded and self-aware. Quite literally. I checked myself into a psych hospital at 19, desperate for help. Without therapy, I wouldn't be here - not as myself anyway. Therapy gave me back my life. And if it's made me 'crazy,' I'll take crazy over numb any day.
