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Yahoo
25-06-2025
- Yahoo
What to Say When Someone's Being Rude on an Airplane
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Image: Trifonenko/Getty Images) Tempers often soar sky-high on airplanes—and that's not just because of the cramped quarters, lack of an escape route, and frequent delays. In the same way that travelers are geographically and culturally diverse, they come from a hodgepodge of etiquette backgrounds, too. 'The rules in Manhattan, Kansas, are different than in Manhattan, New York,' says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? 'We're all operating from slightly different etiquette playbooks, and we all have slightly different ideas about personal space, volume, and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Combine that with people being sleep-deprived, hungry, cranky, and stressed out, and it's a recipe for disaster.' How should you handle an inconsiderate or even unruly fellow passenger? We asked experts to share the best words to use. No matter what your fellow traveler is doing to annoy you—maybe reclining their seat back so far, you can't feel your legs—you can use a variety of diplomatic opening lines. One of Leighton's favorites is apologizing for bothering them, and then segueing into your issue. 'With a lot of these things that are happening on an airplane, people are not being malicious,' he says. 'They're not intending to make things unpleasant for you. It helps to come at it with that understanding.' This is another polite way to call out someone's inappropriate behavior. It's not an attack and shouldn't make them feel defensive. You could also word it like this, Leighton suggests: 'I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but I can see an inappropriate video on your phone, and I'm with my child. Would it be possible to watch something else?' It's hard to ask a perfect stranger to do something that will benefit you while potentially disrupting them. That's why Leighton likes this phrasing or a similar approach: 'I understand this is inconvenient, but would it be possible for you to close the window shade?' Read More: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Besides 'It's OK' When you make a request in such a friendly way, it's more likely 'to be received in the spirit in which it's intended,' Leighton says. He advises using a non-judgmental, neutral tone, and not pushing the issue. 'That's the best way to prevent things from escalating,' he says. 'Because in an airplane, we just don't want things to escalate.' If your neighbor's tuna sandwich is really bothering you—are those extra onions?—open your air vent and then try handling the situation with humor. 'Maybe the person will get the hint, though that doesn't mean they're going to stop eating,' says Jacqueline Whitmore, a former flight attendant who's now an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, a coaching and training company. If you're seriously struggling with the noxious odor, it might be best to enlist a crew member's help, she adds, especially if you'll be in the air for a while. 'I'd get up and discreetly speak to a flight attendant and say, 'Do you have another seat available?'' she suggests. ''I'm really having a hard time with the smelly sandwich.'' Maybe you're fortunate enough to be sitting next to a friendly passenger. (It could always be much, much worse.) That doesn't mean you want to spend the duration of the flight making small talk. After some brief banter, tell them it was nice chatting with them, and that you're going to shift your attention elsewhere—which could mean opening your laptop, taking a nap, or simply zoning out. Ending the conversation is preferable to simply ignoring the other person, Whitmore says. To help ensure she has an easy time pivoting from unwanted conversations, 'I always travel with earbuds,' she adds. One of the most common complaints on flights is that another traveler's legs or bags are spilling into their neighbor's personal space. 'It happens all the time,' Whitmore says. If someone has stuffed their duffel bag in front of them—rather than in the overhead bin, where it should be stowed—she reaches down and says, 'Sorry, I'm just going to push your bag over a bit so I have more leg room.' Most people are understanding, she's found. When you request something from a stranger on a plane, it's best to offer a reason, says Rich Henderson, a flight attendant who hosts the podcast Two Guys on a Plane with his husband. That includes not being able to hear the sound of your own podcast or movie over the volume of theirs. 'I always feel like giving a reason just really helps people process, like, I'm not just doing this to just shut you down,' he says. 'I'm doing this because I'm legitimately having an issue here.' Most people are receptive to that, he adds. Airplane disputes often occur when one traveler asks another to switch seats in order to be closer to a friend or family member. Often, one of them splurged for an assigned seat, while the other didn't, and these requests usually don't land well. 'I don't have a lot of empathy for that, because these people paid for their seats,' Henderson says. 'We can ask, but there's no forcing anybody here.' Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner If you're on the receiving end of such a request, and you don't want to move, he suggests handling the situation in a succinct, straightforward way: by telling them you're not able to help. No further explanation is necessary. Sure, there are perks to a window seat. But if you're in the aisle? No one cares how many times you pop up to head to the restroom. Otherwise, you run the risk of having to wake up the stranger(s) next to you when nature calls. In those situations, Henderson suggests starting verbally: In a louder-than-usual voice, let your seatmate know you need to get up. 'Nobody likes to be touched in a surprising way,' he says. If that doesn't work, however, it's OK to say 'excuse me' loudly and lightly tap the other person's shoulder. 'That usually does the trick,' he says. When a passenger is clearly starting to get agitated, Henderson likes to ask them to repeat what they just said. People often speak without thinking, he's found, and when pressed to say their rude remark again while looking someone in the eyes, they usually won't repeat it. 'They'll either rephrase it or they'll be like, 'You know what, it's not that big of a deal,' because they realize maybe they went too far,' he says. Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists One of the best things about this line is its versatility: It will work in many situations involving ill-mannered airplane passengers. 'If you're in one of those situations, whether it's over a seat recliner or an armrest or whatever the case may be, just be like, 'Hey, say that again—I didn't hear you,'" he advises. 'It works really well to get people to not flip out.' Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@ Contact us at letters@
Yahoo
12-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Gen Z Daters Are Proving Samantha Jones Right
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Images: HBO/Everett,, Paramount Pictures/Newsmakers, HBO/Entertainment Pictures) From the mid 90s to early 2000s, bisexual visibility was on the rise. Both Bisexual Pride Day and Celebrate Bisexual Day were created during this boom. But that doesn't mean that bisexuality became mainstream. In fact, a moral panic was simultaneously taking place, one in which bisexuality was seen as a gateway to homosexuality, a way for young people to get attention, or simply not a real orientation. In fact, this panic is depicted in an episode of Sex and the City, which aired in 2000, called "Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl..." in which Carrie Bradshaw is conflicted about dating a bisexual man. What would this mean for her own identity? Could she ever be comfortable with knowing that her partner desired not just other women but men, as well? In this episode, Carrie's friend Samatha Jones states confidently that 'the new millennium won't be about sexual labels. It'll be about sexual expression. It won't matter if you're sleeping with men or women. It'll be about sleeping with individuals.' Jones was prescient when she said this. Because, to her (and the writers' credit), 25 years later, young daters are more open to embracing dating people based on their general attraction, not their gender identity. Read More: The 10 Most Fabulous Samantha Episodes of Sex and the City According to new data from Hinge's D.A.T.E. Report, a third (33%) of LGBTQIA+ and heterosexual daters surveyed said that they had been attracted to someone outside of their preferred gender expression and that this largely had to do with the person's confidence and energy. Additionally, a 2024 Public Religion Research Institute study found that 28% of Gen Z adults identify as LGBTQIA+. This percentage is much higher than a 2022 Gallup poll that found that 7% of all Americans identify as part of the community. As bisexuality accounts for the majority of the queer population, this new data suggests that we've entered the next big wave of bi and pansexual (bi+) visibility. Bisexuality and pansexuality have often been erased identities, even within the queer community. Wanting to date and have sex with people of different genders can come with a certain amount of skepticism from peers and loved ones. Coming out as bi+ can be met with incredulity and calls to 'pick a side'. And while it's true that bisexuality can sometimes be a bridge between a heterosexual identity and a homosexual one (or vice versa), that's not always the case. Contrary to the 'chaotic' label, bisexuality can be a lifelong, stable sexual identity. Today, this surge in interest in dating people based on pure attraction is more normalized, partly due to the increased visibility of bisexuality in mainstream media. There were few to no 'bi icons' in mainstream media in the 90s to normalize dating across the gender spectrum. Whereas we now have Frank Ocean, Cardi B, Doechii, Hannah Einbinder, Lil Nas X, Janelle Monae, and so many more who have publicly claimed sexual identities that range from bi to pan to defying categorization. They've given younger generations multiple models for how bisexuality can look with no apology, no caveat, and no expectation of toning this part of themself down for the benefit of others' comfort. Though stereotypes about bisexuals being indecisive or noncommittal still persist today, there is also a movement to embrace these qualities as part of the identity. Bi+ people can be all things, good and bad, and that's kind of the point. Rather than be forced to conform to a particular mode of queerness, bi+ people have pushed back on one-dimensional characterizations. We've seen the 21 year old reality TV star, JoJo Siwa, grapple with her sexuality as it has evolved from lesbian to queer. (Siwa is currently dating a man and has suffered backlash for this after previously identifying as a lesbian. She said recently that 'I realize for myself that I just like humans.') Similarly, the singer Fletcher, whose work has previously centered her relationships with women, revealed that she too is in a relationship with a man. Fletcher, who is a Millenial-Gen Z cusper, is using her new album to share the ever-evolving realities of having attractions to and relationships with people of different genders. We've also seen a tremendous amount of work being done to share the bi+ stories of historical figures who have had their sexualities altered or erased. And social media has been instrumental in spreading these histories to a wide audience. Accounts like Queer Love in History and yesterqueers reveal the real and complicated sexual lives of both famous and everyday people. Bringing these identities forward validates the enduring historical presence of sexual attraction across the gender spectrum. In the 90s, many feared what the rise in bisexual visibility might portend. For a sexuality that has been consistently misunderstood and maligned, it has also provided proof that sexuality can be unbound from the constraints of gender. What we all get to see now, in this next wave of bi+ visibility, is the everyday realities that people face, the fears they have about defining themselves for a wider audience, and the messiness that can result when you allow your sexuality to evolve and change. Gen Z has seen more clearly how orientation isn't always fixed, and that has given more of young people permission to follow their desires, no matter who they lead them to. So, as per usual, Samantha Jones was right: Gen Z is closer to everyone being pansexual than we ever have been before. Or perhaps they're just the generation brave enough to admit it. Contact us at letters@
Yahoo
05-06-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
America's Dental Health Is in Trouble
Credit - Photo Illustration by Chloe Dowling (Source Image:) Not long ago, Dr. Suzanne Fournier saw a 16-year-old patient with a swollen face and difficulty breathing. Fournier, a dentist who practices at an urban hospital in Louisiana, had to extract six of the teen's teeth; he was eventually intubated and admitted to the intensive care unit because his airways had closed up. He survived, but Fournier is worried that there will be more children like him across the country who could come close to death because of the state of their oral health. 'I really worry that someone is going to die because they have an abscessed cavity that develops into an infection, and they won't be able to access care,' she says. In the U.S., 27% of adults don't have dental insurance, according to the most recent State of Oral Health Equity in America by the CareQuest Institute for Oral Health, a nonprofit that advocates on behalf of better oral health care. That's about 72 million Americans. By comparison, 9.5% of adults don't have health insurance. And though many children can get dental care through Medicaid or the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP), low reimbursement rates mean that many dentists won't accept those insurance plans, leading to dental-care deserts across the country. Only about half of all children on Medicaid used any dental service in a year, according to an analysis by KFF. Now, dentists say they're worried that a perfect storm of public-policy changes could further worsen oral health across the country. Proposed cuts to Medicaid would mean that fewer people will be able access dental care, as federal government staffing purges target places like the prevention division of oral health at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). What's more, as states including Florida and Utah vote to ban the addition of fluoride to drinking water and other states consider similar bans, dentists say the oral health of children and adults will suffer. 'We are already facing an oral health crisis,' says Melissa Burroughs, director of public policy for CareQuest. 'Medicaid cuts and water fluoridation rollbacks are the two biggest ways in which the oral health crisis is likely to be exacerbated.' America has long separated dental health from medical health. In most cases, Medicare, the federal health insurance program for older adults, doesn't cover dental care at all. Dental care through Medicaid varies tremendously from state to state, and states are not required to include dental coverage for adults, though they are required to include it for children. People going onto the Affordable Health Care marketplace for health plans can't purchase a dental insurance plan independently unless they also purchase a medical health plan. And subsidies offered to lower-income families on the health marketplace don't apply to dental plans. Even those people with dental insurance coverage often find that their plans don't cover much outside of a dental cleaning and check-up. About 40% of adults who have health insurance don't get regular dental care, according to one recent survey from the PAN Foundation, a health care advocacy organization. Not having dental health care can come with major consequences. Tooth decay and gum disease can exacerbate other health conditions and lead to heart disease, low birth weight in pregnancy, and even respiratory disease. Adults who present to emergency departments for tooth pain often end up with opioid prescriptions, which can lead to addiction. If children's teeth hurt, they may have trouble eating, leading to poor nutrition; if they're in pain, they're likely to sleep poorly. The CDC estimates that 34 million school hours are lost each year because of unplanned dental issues. Read More: The Science Behind Fluoride in Drinking Water 'You can find lots of studies that find associations between poor dental care and things like pneumonia and diabetes and heart disease,' says Dr. Lisa Simon, an internal medicine specialist who started her career as a dentist and then went to medical school to focus on oral health care. 'But even if you didn't think about any of those things, how important is it to have a central feature in our face look the way we want to, and not live with pain, and be able to take in nutrition?' Simon practices in Massachusetts, a state with one of the best dental safety nets in the country, and generous Medicaid benefits compared to those in other states. But she still sees people who have ended up in the ICU because of life-threatening sepsis from a tooth infection, patients who can't start chemotherapy because they can't pay to remove their infected teeth, people who won't even let her look into their mouths because they're so ashamed. In Massachusetts, fewer than one third of dentists accept Medicaid, which is close to the national average. 'I have gone down to Haiti nine times, and I have never seen the level of decay that I saw when I worked in Florida,' says Fournier, the Louisiana dentist, who previously practiced in Florida. She and other dentists worry that looming Medicaid cuts would exacerbate the problem; when state budgets are tight, dental care is often one of the first things to go. Massachusetts, for instance, cut Medicaid coverage for adult dental care in 2010 in the aftermath of the Great Recession; dental-related visits at a safety-net hospital increased 14% in the two years after the Medicaid cuts. Fournier recently testified before the Louisiana House of Representatives about Senate Bill 2, which sought to make it more difficult for localities to add fluoride to their drinking water. (In Louisiana, only about 38% of people are served by community water systems that fluoridate their water.) The bill was voted down in committee, but bills to restrict access to fluoride have been introduced in other states, including North Carolina, Massachusetts, Ohio, and Nebraska, according to CareQuest. Bills to ban the addition of fluoride in public drinking water have already passed in Utah and Florida. Some local counties have already voted in 2025 to ban fluoride independently. They are likely influenced by the Make America Healthy Again movement, led by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. He has called fluoride a 'dangerous neurotoxin' and has said he wants the CDC to stop recommending fluoridation. In May, the FDA announced that it was trying to remove ingestible fluoride tablets from the market. Read More: What to Do If Fluoride Is Removed From Your Water Dentists predict long-term and costly health problems if communities continue to remove fluoride from the water. One recent study published in JAMA Health Forum found that the elimination of fluoride from the public water supply would be associated with a 7.5% increase in tooth decay and cost about $9.8 billion over five years. Places that have taken fluoride out of their water supply have seen an increase in dental problems; in Canada, for instance, Calgary removed fluoride in 2011, saw a significant increase in cavities, and is now reversing course and adding fluoride back in. Dr. Jeff Otley, a practicing dentist in Florida's panhandle, says he noticed when his region stopped fluoridating its water in 2014. He saw an increase in the number and severity of cavities in kids. The recent ban on fluoridation in Florida is going to affect kids and adults, he says, especially because Florida's Medicaid program offers barely any benefits for adults. 'We are going to have more disease, larger cavities, and some of these kids are going to have to go to the hospital because their cavities are going to be so bad,' he says. Oral health advocates say that in recent years, the country had been making some progress in improving access to dental care. For instance, a bill introduced in the Senate in March would require Medicare to cover dental, vision, and hearing. And some states have, in the last few years, expanded Medicaid benefits to cover adult dental services. This can end up saving money in the long run; when Colorado chose to expand Medicaid adult dental benefits under the Affordable Care Act, one safety-net provider saw a 22% decrease in tooth extractions, according to CareQuest. When states increase how much dentists can be reimbursed through Medicaid, more dentists sign up as Medicaid providers, which has been shown to increase children's dental visits. But advocates say they're worried that all of this progress is now going to be reversed, and that oral health in the U.S., especially for children, is going to suffer. Read More: How Having a Baby Is Changing Under Trump 'I think we're at this balancing point where if we can keep things moving forward, there is the real opportunity for millions of people to get dental care,' says Simon, the Boston doctor and dentist. 'But we've seen this before—anytime there's a budget shortfall, dental care is the first thing on the chopping block.' The irony of this to many dentists is that providing people with preventative care can actually save states money over time. Children on Medicaid who received fluoride treatments saved between $88 and $156 each for their state programs, one study found. Water fluoridation is another preventative policy that saves money: In 2024, the CDC estimated that providing communities with fluoridated water for one year saves $6.5 billion in dental treatment costs and leads to 25% fewer cavities. But some of these preventative ideas aren't likely to go far, says Amy Niles, the chief mission officer of the Pan Foundation. 'In this country, we don't always embrace the importance and value of preventative care to prevent disease later on,' she says. Fournier, the Louisiana dentist, is relieved that her testimony and that of other medical professionals helped persuade Louisiana legislators to ditch the fluoride bill. But she still chafes at a health care system that makes it so hard to provide preventative care for oral health. 'Our goal is aligned with RFK Jr.'s, which is to make Americans healthy,' she said in her testimony. But, she says, America doesn't seem interested in waging a war on the No. 1 chronic disease in children: tooth decay. Contact us at letters@
Yahoo
04-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
10 Things to Say When Someone Won't Get Off Their Phone
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Image: imagenavi/Getty Images) Trying to talk to someone stuck on their phone is such a universal experience, there's a name for it: 'phubbing,' short for 'phone snubbing,' or ignoring someone in favor of a phone. 'Everyone hates it, but everyone has also done it,' says Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of the upcoming book 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World. 'When someone phubs you, you feel like you're not important—that whatever is on their phone is more important than you.' Phubbing negatively affects mental health, relationship satisfaction, and overall well-being. That's why it's worth speaking up about digital distraction. 'It's challenging and awkward, but we should be doing this,' Twenge says. 'We need to be confronting this situation.' Here's exactly what to say when the person you're trying to talk to won't get off their phone. A couple years ago, Twenge heard about a group of women who pushed their phones into the center of the table when they went out to dinner. The first person to reach for her device had to foot the bill. That's a clever approach, Twenge says, but you don't even need to put a financial spin on it: Instead, propose you all drop your phones somewhere out of sight, like in your bags. Read More: What to Say When You Forget Someone's Name Twenge likes this phrasing because it isn't accusatory: 'It's a subtle way to get across the message of, 'Hey, we all have stuff going on on our phones, but I want to talk to you right now,'' she says. 'It's a very polite way of saying, 'I want us to focus on this conversation.'' This question allows for the possibility that there's an emergency—while implying that, if there's not, it would be better to put the phone down. It might feel slightly confrontational, Twenge says, but it's better than snapping at the other person to get off their device. 'You have to find a way to thread that needle of acknowledging that there might be something important going on,' she says. 'But it is a call out.' This is a way to get someone talking about what's on their phone—and, as a result, to look up from said device. Do people typically share, or simply take it as a reminder to be more present? 'I've seen it go both ways,' Twenge says. 'Sometimes it's just a text exchange with someone else, but every once in a while, it'll be like, 'Look at this really funny video,' or 'Here's this fun picture somebody sent me.' Either way, the idea is to draw them back into the in-person conversation.' This approach is direct but still respectful. It calls attention to the fact that the other person is clearly distracted, without demanding anything from them, says Tessa Stuckey, a therapist and founder of Project LookUp, a nonprofit that helps families build healthier screen habits. 'It gives them autonomy, while also honoring your own needs,' she says. She's found that making her conversation partner aware that she's noticed they're not fully present is often all it takes to prompt a reset. Read More: How to Reconnect With People You Care About Telling someone you miss them comes from a place of vulnerability, not blame—and Stuckey likes that it's almost guaranteed to tug on your friend's heartstrings. 'You're expressing that the phone is creating distance, and that you want connection,' she says. Plus, it invites empathy: Most people don't realize how their screen use is affecting others until it's pointed out gently. The trick, Stuckey adds, is to say it warmly, with sincerity, so it feels like an emotional nudge rather than a guilt trip. Asking someone to put their phone away for such a short amount of time is realistic—it's a very doable break, Stuckey says. You're not asking them to disconnect forever; rather, you're inviting a shared moment. 'People are more likely to unplug when there's a clear time boundary and a good reason,' she says. Plus, it's collaborative, almost like you're proposing a team challenge. Read More: The Worst Way to Reply to a Party Invite Seven years ago, when Seán Killingsworth was in high school, he struggled with excessive screen time so much, he traded his smartphone for a flip phone. It worked—he felt happier and more present—but his peers were still glued to their phones, so he took things a step further and started Reconnect, a group that now hosts phone-free events on college campuses throughout the U.S. Ideally, more opportunities for phone-free socializing would exist. But in lieu of formal options, Killingsworth recommends bringing up the concept to your friends: 'We should try hanging out without our phones sometime.' Talk through why being present with each other matters. Then, the next time you notice your buddies are more focused on Facebook than your face, issue a gentle reminder. If you're at dinner with friends, or are spending quality time with a family member you don't get to see often, consider calling attention to the significance of the moment. You could even follow up by adding: 'I'd hate to look back and feel like we missed out because of our screens,' suggests Dr. James Sherer, a psychiatrist who treats addiction and co-editor of the Technological Addictions textbook for the American Psychiatric Association. 'It can be very powerful,' he says, and lead to meaningful improvements in relationship quality. Read More: How to Say 'I Told You So' in a More Effective Way Focusing on the way someone's phone usage makes you feel can be more effective than "instigatory" comments, Sherer says. You're not going to get very far by barking, 'You're always on TikTok! You don't care about me!' Highlighting your own observations and how someone's behavior makes you feel, however, plants a seed that can encourage them to reevaluate their habits. 'The most important thing is to approach it from a position of being nonjudgmental,' he says. 'You're not there to dog pile on the person.' Stuckey's son was 8 the Christmas morning when he noticed certain family members were paying more attention to their phones than watching him open his presents. He came up with an idea: The family could designate a silly code word they called out every time they wanted to signal it was time to drop the devices and be present in their surroundings. More than five years later, the family still uses their word ('muskrat'). 'What I love about it is my kids can call us out using that word,' Stuckey says. 'We can call them out with that word. They've grown up with it. It makes people check themselves a little bit and say, 'OK, I'll put it down in a moment—I just have to finish this email really quick.'' Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@ Contact us at letters@
Yahoo
29-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
The Worst Way to Reply to a Party Invite
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Images: Gerard Puigmal˘—Getty Images, Liliya Krueger—Getty Images) There are two straightforward—and simple—ways to respond to social invitations: Tell the host you'll be there, or that you won't be. Yet people find all kinds of offensive ways to reply instead. The worst one of all is becoming increasingly common, especially by text, says Jamila Musayeva, an etiquette coach who posts videos about modern manners on YouTube. She's lost track of the number of times someone has responded to an invite by asking who else will be there—which is code for questioning whether it's actually going to be any fun. (It's even more insulting than asking what kind of food will be served.) 'It's usually like, 'I won't come unless there's someone there I want to see,'' she says. 'It's degrading the whole experience to just wanting to hang out with one person,' or a specific group of potential guests who are…not the person issuing the invite. Read More: What to Say When You Forget Someone's Name No wonder hosts take this kind of response personally. Musayeva equates it to saying: 'You're not interesting; I don't want to be entertained by you. I'm more interested in who's coming.' If the guest list doesn't impress, no big deal—a better offer likely awaits. 'It's definitely something you should never, ever say,' she says. If you must find out who's going in advance, do some subtle research on the side: Maybe send a private message to a friend and ask if they're privy to any additional details about the party. Just make sure that detective work doesn't travel back to the host. Implying that there's more fun to be had elsewhere isn't the only way you can botch your response to a social invitation. Being super vague about your plans—'Maybe I'll stop by'—or not bothering to respond at all puts the host in a tough spot, and will likely get you kicked off future invite lists. 'When you RSVP 'no,' you're doing the host a favor,' says etiquette teacher Lisa Mirza Grotts. 'Clarity is kinder than a 'maybe.'' If you're truly not sure if you can make an event, she suggests wording your response like this: 'I'd love to come, but I know what it's like to be a host, and I know you need answers. I don't want to leave you hanging.' See how your friend responds, Grotts says: They might tell you they don't mind if you play it by ear, or agree that it's best to count you out this time so they can finalize the catering order. Either way, you'll be on the same page, and no one will be waiting around, unable to sort out plans. Read More: The One Word That Can Destroy a Friendship Another way to avoid the infuriating question-mark response is to specify exactly when you'll get back to the host, even if they didn't mention an RSVP date. If a neighbor asks your family to come over for a cookout, for example, you might respond: 'Hey, could I get back to you on Friday?' 'Now your host knows they can check in with you on Saturday if they haven't heard from you by Friday,' says etiquette expert Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. 'You've talked about it, you've had a little exchange, you've acknowledged it. Acknowledgement is such a huge part of playing a good guest, even when you're just in the role of being invited and aren't even at the party yet.' The way you treat an invitation speaks to how much you value your relationships. As Post says, an invite to watch the game, grab a drink, or attend a dinner party is someone's way of asking if you want to spend time together. 'Even if your true, internal reaction is that no, you really wouldn't like to, it is so nice that someone out in the world wants to spend time with you,' she says. Post suggests putting yourself in the host's shoes and proceeding with what she considers the three principles of etiquette: consideration, respect, and honesty. 'It's important to recognize that you would want people to get back to you in a timely fashion, so get back to your host in a timely fashion,' she says. 'We should treat our invitations with care, because they're the start of what connects us. They're the beginning of the way we create community.' Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@ Contact us at letters@
