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Daily Mail
4 days ago
- Health
- Daily Mail
Inherited Fate by Noemi Orvos-Toth: First born? You're a leader Second child? You have lots of friends Younger sibling? You start revolutions!
Inherited Fate by Noemi Orvos-Toth (Cornerstone Press £18.99, 288pp) The young couple sitting in the psychologist's office were distraught. Their five-year-old had gone from being a cheerful, well-balanced child to one who woke up crying uncontrollably during the night. They were desperate to find out what was making her so distressed. After talking to the parents, the psychologist asked their daughter to draw a picture of her family. The little girl happily drew all the family members, then turned the paper over and sketched out another figure. 'Who is that?' she was asked. 'I don't know, but they're there,' she answered. Her parents were astonished. Yes, they admitted, there had been someone else – a child who had died of leukaemia before the little girl was born. They were so terrified of this tragedy happening again that they never spoke of it, either to their young daughter or to each other. How could she possibly have known about the dead child? Psychologist Noemi Orvos-Toth tells this story to illustrate how our family history, the role we play in the family hierarchy and the secrets we keep from each other have a profound and lasting influence on our lives. In this riveting book she suggests that, to paraphrase Philip Larkin's famous lines, it's not just your mum and dad who mess you up, it's also your ancestors. This concept of 'transgenerational trauma' originated from studies of the children of Holocaust survivors. Even those who were shielded from the knowledge of their parents' or grandparents' suffering 'bore the distant imprints of the horror' in the form of anxiety disorders and depression. She tells a story from her own family to show how 'man hands on misery to man' (Philip Larkin again). Her grandmother lost two babies before she had a healthy child – the author's mother - who 'my grandmother could never love freely and without anxiety'. As a child, Orvos-Toth was always aware that her mother and grandmother were terrified she would get ill, because in her family 'an ordinary household accident or childhood illness immediately projected the horror of death'. Now she finds herself overprotecting her own children in the same way. 'That's how we pass on the torch of fear from generation to generation.' Startlingly, Orvos-Toth maintains that our emotional development begins even before we are born, and that the circumstances of our conception often affect our later behaviour. One of the first questions she asks her clients when they start therapy is whether their parents were in a good relationship at the time of their conception and whether they were looking forward to having a baby. (Figures show that, worldwide, 56 per cent of couples respond to a positive pregnancy test with fear rather than joy.) Growth in the womb is not only physical, she says, since 'the embryo is alert, listening, responding, and above all learning'. If the mother is excitedly looking forward to the birth, the embryo swims in 'happiness hormones'. If she is stressed by the idea of motherhood, this memory is stored in the embryo at a cellular level. A Czech study of babies born in the 1960s showed that children from unwanted pregnancies had difficulty regulating their emotions and controlling their tempers. As adults, they were more likely to become alcoholics and criminals – 'an initial lack of love acts like a thread that runs through our lives and it is difficult to unpick'. Orvos-Toth is particularly interesting on the way your position in the birth order influences the way you develop, which she neatly encapsulates in the phrase: 'no two children grow up in the same family – at least in a psychological sense'. Firstborn children, coddled and fussed over by anxious first-time parents, tend to be leaders rather than innovators, more likely to occupy senior positions and earn more than their younger siblings. More than half of American presidents were the firstborn. Younger children, whose upbringing tends to be more relaxed and slapdash, constantly chafe against the older sibling's power, and are more likely to lead revolutions and come up with innovative concepts. Second children are also keener to seek contacts outside the family and tend to have more friends than eldest siblings. As a second child who has always suspected that my sister never got over my arrival, I especially liked Orvos-Toth's comment that the birth of a sibling 'removes the firstborn from the throne of exclusivity'. At times Inherited Fate reads like a plea for everyone to have some therapy, since 'all our families are full of traumatised ancestors who were maltreated, abandoned, sexually abused, persecuted or expelled'. But fear not: the book does offer a DIY course to improve your mental health. Each chapter ends with an extensive list of questions such as: 'to what extent did you feel loved and accepted in your family?', 'how much did you feel that your parents understood you and sensed your inner world?' and 'how did your family let you know when you had touched on a taboo?' She stresses how bad secrets are both for your psyche and for the family bond. 'Memories we have tried to forget and suppress, fears we have tried to deny, burden our relationships,' she writes. 'It's very rare that distorting the truth can fulfil a protective function, yet we still keep trying.' The more stories children know about their family, even stories going back several generations, the more they will be able to cope with life. After the 2001 attack on the Twin Towers in New York, researchers talked to the children of those who had died. The ones who could talk easily about their family roots recovered faster and suffered less from post-traumatic stress. Family stories, endlessly retold and repeated and embellished, appear to operate like fenders on a boat, protecting us from the worst effects of a collision. Seamlessly translated from Hungarian, Inherited Fate suggests that while we can't undo the past, understanding it can positively influence our present and our future. This enthralling book will make you think more deeply about your own relationships, and the things that have been left unsaid.
Irish Examiner
4 days ago
- Health
- Irish Examiner
Darina Allen: Three homegrown recipes to avoid ultra-processed foods
At last, the conversation around the impact of ultra-processed foods on the health of the nation is gathering momentum. I've written before about how we are sleepwalking into a health crisis of gargantuan proportions. It has crept up on us so rapidly and stealthily, that it has almost gone unnoticed. Ultra-processed foods now make up over half of the average diet in Ireland. To be precise, 54.9% according to research published in The Journal of Public Health Nutrition. Ireland tops the poll in 19 EU countries, contrast that percentage with 10.2% in Portugal. Ireland is now the second most obese country in Europe with more than a quarter of the adult population classified as obese. For some time now, it has been altogether easier to find what used to be called fake or junk food now called UPF's, than real food… Plus, there's huge confusion amongst the general public about what exactly constitutes UPF's, ultra-processed food. These are foods that are mass-produced in industrial systems, purposely engineered to be irresistible and hyperpalatable, cheap with a long shelf life. Foods that you couldn't make in your home kitchen with ingredients you would never find in your pantry. Packed with artificial flavourings, colourings and preservatives, emulsifiers, stabilisers, flavour enhancers… Often with a long list of ingredients, many unrecognisable to the general public. A chicken curry on the recently introduced Free School Meals menu had over 50 ingredients. Where are our priorities…? These foods are highly profitable and are aggressively marketed to both children and grown-ups. In the UK, only 2% of advertising is on real food, 98% is spent on ultra-processed food. I've no doubt it's similar over here. The reality is, our food system is built for profit not to nourish the population. New research links harmful ultra-processed foods to the alarming rise in obesity, Type 2 diabetes, metabolic and inflammatory diseases, cancers, even early death. So why, knowing what we know, is it legal to sell these foods? What will it take to reverse this trend and break free? But reverse it we must. We may think we actually have a choice in what we eat, but the reality is that an immense amount of money, thought and research goes into making these foods utterly irresistible and addictive and super cheap. UPFs have quietly taken over the food system and they are unquestionably making us sick. Is it possible that the manufacturers are unaware of this? About 10 major food corporations control 80% of the food supply on our supermarket shelves. Meal Deals, takeaways, grab, gobble and go, Deliveroo and its many incarnations have become a way of life... So, what to do? In the words of Michael Pollan, 'Eat nothing your grandmother wouldn't recognise as food,' kind of sums it up simply. Chris Van Tulleken's excellent book 'Ultra-Processed People', published by Cornerstone Press draws a direct correlation between high levels of ultra-processed food consumption and the rise in both physical and mental health issues. Should the production companies not be required to pay for the ill health they are causing? How long before the Irish government will no longer be able to fund the health service? So, what to do? Time for bold and coordinated action and a huge rethink about how to tackle the decline in national health. This will not be an easy matter, many of the major food corporations are wealthier and more powerful than governments. As the grandmother of 11 grandchildren, the UPF food situation is keeping me awake at night. We need a coalition of parents, teachers and citizens to demand action. We urgently need to reexamine our priorities — after all, what could be more important than the future health of the nation, our children and grandchildren. This is no easy task to tackle. but what could be more important, what could be more urgent? After all, the wealth of the nation depends on the health of a nation and the health of a nation depends on the food we eat…time for action! Many of the foods we take for granted are ultra-processed. Here is an alternative to the bottled tomato sauce which has become a staple for so many. Avoid the majority of breakfast cereals, with a few rare exceptions like real porridge, most are ultra-processed. Fish Fingers with Garlic Mayo recipe by:Darina Allen A perfect after-school dinner Servings 8 Preparation Time 5 mins Cooking Time 10 mins Total Time 15 mins Course Main Cuisine Irish Ingredients 8 pieces fresh haddock, hake or pollock cut into fingers 11.5 x 3cm (4 1/2 x 1 1/4 inch) approximately salt and freshly ground black pepper white flour, seasoned well with salt, freshly ground pepper and a little cayenne or smoked paprika (optional) For the egg wash: 2-3 beaten free-range, organic eggs and a little milk panko or dried white breadcrumbs To serve: crunchy little gem lettuce leaves For the garlic mayo: 225g (8oz) homemade mayonnaise 1-4 crushed garlic cloves (depending on size) Method Add the garlic to the mayonnaise and season to taste. Heat the oil in a deep fry to 180˚C/350°F. Season the fingers of fish with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Then, dip the fish, first into the well-seasoned flour and then into the beaten egg and finally coat evenly all over with the crumbs of your choice. Pat gently to firm up…! Heat some olive oil or clarified butter in a wide frying pan over a medium heat. Cook the fish fingers until golden and crispy on the outside and cooked through into the centre. Drain on kitchen paper. I love to wrap them in crunchy little gem lettuce leaves, add a dollop of garlic mayo (aioli) or your mayo of choice and enjoy. Ballymaloe granola recipe by:Darina Allen A million times more delicious, nutritious and satisfying cereal than virtually anything you can buy. Servings 20 Preparation Time 5 mins Cooking Time 30 mins Total Time 35 mins Course Baking Ingredients 350g (12oz) local runny honey 225g (8fl oz) light olive or grapeseed oil 470g (1lb 1oz approx.) oat flakes 200g (7oz) barley flakes 200g (7oz) wheat flakes 100g (3 1/2oz) rye flakes 150g (5oz) seedless raisins or sultanas 150g (5oz) peanuts, hazelnuts, almonds or cashew nuts split and roasted 70g (2 3/4oz) wheatgerm and /or millet flakes 50g (2oz) chopped apricots, chopped dates Method Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4. Mix oil and honey together in a saucepan, heat just enough to melt the honey. Mix well into the mixed flakes. Spread thinly on two baking sheets. Bake in the preheated oven for 20-30 minutes, turning frequently, making sure the edges don't burn. It should be just golden and toasted, not roasted! Allow to get cold. Mix in the raisins or sultanas, roasted nuts, toasted seeds, chopped dates, apricots and wheatgerm. Store in a screw top jar or a plastic box, keeps for 1-2 weeks. Serve with sliced banana, berries in season, milk and/or natural yoghurt. Tomato fondue recipe by:Darina Allen Tomato fondue is one of our great convertibles. It has a number of uses. We serve it as a vegetable or a sauce for pasta, filling for omelettes, topping for pizza… Servings 6 Preparation Time 15 mins Cooking Time 30 mins Total Time 45 mins Course Main Ingredients 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 110g onions, sliced 1 clove of garlic, crushed 900g very ripe tomatoes in summer, or 2 x 400g tins of tomatoes in winter, but peel before using salt, freshly ground pepper and sugar to taste 1 tbsp of any of the following; freshly chopped mint, thyme, parsley, lemon balm, marjoram or torn basil Method Heat the oil in a stainless steel sauté pan or casserole. Add the onions and garlic and toss until coated. Cover and sweat on a gentle heat until soft but not coloured -— about 10 minutes. It is vital for the success of this dish that the onions are completely soft before the tomatoes are added. Slice the peeled fresh tomatoes or chopped tinned tomatoes and add with all the juice to the onions. Season with salt, freshly ground pepper and sugar (tinned tomatoes need lots of sugar because of their high acidity). Add a generous sprinkling of herbs. Cover and cook for just 10-20 minutes more, or until the tomato softens, uncover and reduce a little. Cook fresh tomatoes for a shorter time to preserve the lively fresh flavour. Tinned tomatoes need to be cooked for longer depending on whether you plan to use the fondue as a vegetable, sauce or filling. SEASONAL JOURNAL Sophie Morris Questions… Check out Sophie Morris on Instagram. She uses her page to raise awareness about food labels, reducing ultra-processed foods, clever supermarket swaps…she's got quite the following. Instagram @sophie_morris Grow It Yourself Grow At School Programme Bravo GIY… As written about overleaf by Joe McNamee, GIY's Grow At School programme is in over 700 schools providing food gardens and supporting resources to teachers to use food growing and garden-based learning. Their aim is to roll it out to all 3300 primary schools; reaching over 500,000 children and their families. They are calling on the government to commit to embedding food growing education in schools and to support GIY in a national roll-out of Grow At School to every school. They need help in spreading the word by posting/sharing wherever you can and tagging your local TDs and key politicians. Really worth supporting…. Tag GIY on what you post to Instagram @giyireland and @mickkellygrows Read More Darina Allen: Three ways to try the sublime flavours of Southwestern France
Metro
10-06-2025
- General
- Metro
The one question you should ask yourself before ending a long-term relationship
Putting in the time – for everything from date nights to housework – is key to making a relationship last. But in many cases, it can also be what keeps it going long after its sell-by date, thanks to a phenomenon known as sunk cost fallacy. If you've ever stayed in a barely-moving hold queue for hours on end, or struggled to let go of an expensive yet painful pair of heels, you're probably familiar with this form of mental gymnastics. Deep down, you know your chances of being connected to customer services or walking in those shoes are slim to none, but you convince yourself that to giving up now would 'waste' the considerable time, money and/or effort you've already invested. This psychological bias can impact all aspects of our lives, causing us to make decisions based on 'past costs instead of present and future costs and benefits, which are the only ones that rationally make a difference.' In terms of relationships, KC Davis, licensed therapist and author of Who Deserves Your Love, out now (Cornerstone Press, £14.99) tells Metro we're particularly susceptible to sunk cost thinking 'because there is some truth to the idea' that the more committed you are, the greater your responsibility to work through problems. She explains: 'While 'eh I'm just not really into this anymore' is a good enough reason to end a dating relationship of three months, I think most of us would agree – especially were we on the receiving end of such a sentiment – that a relationship of nine years perhaps deserves more effort.' Fear of being alone may also play a part, even more so if you've spent what you might consider your 'best years' with a partner, or the dating game has changed significantly since you were last single. Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! Although KC highlights that the end of a relationship is a nuanced and personal process, there's one thing she always recommends asking yourself before you break things off: Does staying in this relationship violate my values? 'This is my favorite question as a therapist,' KC says. 'It allows us to examine our responsibilities to ourselves first before we look at what we believe to be our responsibilities to our relationship.' To find your answer, she recommends you start by 'inventorying' what's most important in your life (with or without a partner). According to KC, values can look different for each person. for her, it's caring for her elderly parents, giving back to the community, and being in an environment that protects her 20 years of sobriety. 'Any relationship that would prevent me from living in accordance to those values is not a relationship that I would stay in,' she adds. When deciding on these non-negotiables, it's important to focus on your own feelings — not those fed to you by outside influences, whether that's loved ones or society as a whole. 'Remember, we are talking about your values and the person that you want to be, not values other people or institutions want to dictate for you,' KC explains. More Trending 'For example, you may have a sincere value of participating in a religious service every week, or that might be something you adopted because you grew up being told that by your family and church. I always ask my clients 'do you cling to this value out of fear and shame, or are you embracing it because it brings you meaning and peace?'' Once you've worked out your values, you next need to consider whether your relationship helps or hinders you to live your 'ideal life'. If it's the latter, that doesn't necessarily spell the end, but their reaction will be a major indicator. 'Speak with your partner about it,' says KC. 'If they are unable or unwilling to make changes so that the relationship lines up with your values, then it may be time to leave.' At this point, it doesn't matter how long you've spent together or how much effort you've put into making things work. When their presence is detrimental to your future, the past goes out of the window. Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@ View More » MORE: The red flag that a dwindling friendship is 'dead' and it's time to move on MORE: A doctor said no one would ever love me – I proved him wrong MORE: I confronted a straight man on Grindr – his reaction floored me
