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Metro
22-06-2025
- Metro
I blamed myself even after he sent me to A&E 11 times in 5 months
Multiple bite marks down my shoulders. Fingerprints all around my neck from where he'd choked me. Two black eyes, a broken nose and a dislocated jaw. Part of me felt stupid: How could I not have seen the signs? Other parts felt shame for letting it go on this long. But the rest of me just wanted to move on, to forget. That's why, initially, I didn't accept the help that was offered to me. I didn't think anyone out there could possibly understand what I'd been through. Little did I know that, like me, 1 in 4 women in England and Wales experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. My relationship with Ryan* seemed like nothing short of a fairytale romance at first. One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good. It started with him picking me up after work and quickly progressed to being showered with flowers, gifts and 'I love yous'. He even turned up at my house at 3am once just to deliver a bouquet, which, as I'd never been in a relationship before, I thought was incredibly sweet. But while I thought I was being swept off my feet, everyone else around me could see his actions for what they truly were: Love bombing. I brushed off their concerns – this was how it was meant to be, right? About a month into our relationship though, I'd discover that their instincts had been right as Ryan hit me before I went on a night out with a friend. When nurses queried my injuries, instead of the truth, I'd say I'd had a seizure or fallen over The punch came completely out of the blue. There'd been no warning, he just swung. But when I questioned why he'd hit me, he gaslit me into thinking I'd made it all up. It took a few days for him to eventually apologise and say it was 'completely out of character' and that he'd never do it again. But of course, that was another lie. Over the course of the next five months I ended up in A&E 11 times with black eyes and a broken nose. When nurses queried my injuries, instead of the truth, I'd say I'd had a seizure or fallen over. This was partly at Ryan's insistence, but also because I felt like it was my fault this kept happening. That I was to blame for pushing him to such extremes. And as I'd gradually lost or cut off all contact with friends and family at that time, I had no one around me to tell me otherwise. It soon reached a point, however, where the hospital felt obliged to call the police. They then set up an alert for my phone so that, if I called 999 and coughed three times consecutively, they'd know to track my location as I was unsafe. I thought that was an overreaction. To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Despite the clear escalation in violence, losing my customer-facing job due to my injuries and now the obvious concern from authorities, I remained convinced that I could change him. Almost seven months into our relationship, things finally reached breaking point when Ryan launched his worst assault on me yet. He pushed me down the stairs, tried to suffocate me with a pillow, kneed me in the face breaking my nose and punched me in the jaw until the left side dislocated. At the same time, he was shouting abuse at me, yelling how he was going to 'put me in the ground' with my deceased brother. The only reason the attack stopped was because I managed to lock him out of the house and call the police who took him away. It was then, after being taken to hospital to be treated for all my various injuries, that the police offered me a lifeline: 'We can refer you to Women's Aid if you'd like?' they said. Determined to just forget and get my life back on track, I politely declined – though I did make sure to leave with a restraining order in place. Instead of feeling free though, I was left in a state of paranoia for weeks. I refused to leave the house unless a friend or my mum could call me. I'd constantly be looking behind me, afraid I was being followed and, if a car that was the same make and model as his whizzed past me, I'd instinctively check the registration. Naturally, my mental health began to suffer as a result and I soon realised that this couldn't continue. I didn't want to live my life like that, constantly afraid, so, I contacted the officer in charge of my case and asked for the referral. Women's Aid then helped me join a forum with other survivors and, honestly, I was shocked by what I found. Finding supportive community, especially if you're going through a traumatic or difficult time, is important for our mental health. Find out more at the Mental Health Foundation website. If you're experiencing domestic abuse, call the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. For more information on support available for yourself or a loved one visit Women's Aid. This group was full of women – some younger, some older than me – who had all gone through similar, or in some cases, far worse things than I had. It was heartbreaking to read some of their stories, but it also gave me hope to see how much some women had overcome and escaped. If they could do it, then I could too. The stories that were similar to mine – where the relationship was a whirlwind and things changed so fast – gave me the most closure. It made me realise I wasn't silly for believing Ryan all those times. That this behaviour is sadly more common than we think it is. And, actually, I wasn't alone. Gradually, with members' help, I was able to accept that, like them, nothing that had happened was my fault. They also gave me ways to cope and overcome my trauma – like by getting back to routine, encouraging me to spend time with family and rekindle old friendships – and it really did help. Little by little, I began to feel like myself again. It took time but eventually I felt ready to date again and I'm pleased to say I'm now in a new relationship with someone who treats me correctly – even if I do have a strict ban on flowers. Yes, I'm still hesitant to let anybody know my personal business and vigilant as to who knows my home address, but I don't feel consumed with fear like I used to. More Trending And while I don't use the Women's Aid forum anymore because I don't feel I need it in the same way, I'm still friends with some women I met there so it's like we have our own mini support group – and that has been invaluable. I thought I was alone for so long, and I know there will be other women or men in situations now who feel the same. But I promise, there are plenty of us out here to help and support you. You can ask for help. You can escape a bad situation. And we will believe you. As told to Emma Rossiter Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing Share your views in the comments below. MORE: A stranger's question to my 7-year-old left me furious MORE: We would never have got together if our partners hadn't died MORE: I was burned by 'check-in chicken' – heed my warning Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.
Metro
25-05-2025
- Metro
I've been prevented from divorcing my abusive estranged husband for 20 years
The day I filed for divorce from my husband Paul* was a momentous occasion. After over a year of mounting physical and emotional abuse, threats, and even moving countries to be rid of him, my solicitor told me there should be no reason for it not to go through. 'We can do it on grounds of adultery,' they said. And I left practically giddy with excitement. However, that was nearly 20 years ago and yet, in the eyes of the law, we're still married. Frankly I'm at a loss for what to do – I just want to be rid of him. My path first crossed with Paul's* in 2005 after we matched on a popular dating site. Online dating was practically a novelty then, no one knew the dangers in the way we do now, so I – being someone that lived in a tiny village where the opportunities for romance were few and far between – figured there was no harm in signing up. I found Paul incredibly charming but I never expected anything to come of our internet dalliance. He was in the army – deployed to a war zone at the time but lived in Germany – and I was a single mum to three kids living in the UK. So when, after a few weeks of talking, communication between us fizzled I thought nothing of it. That is until around 18 months later when he called me out of the blue. He claimed it was a wrong number, but then proceeded to remind me who he was and ask me on a date as he happened to be in the country. The date itself was relaxed, just a few drinks at the local pub, and we got on incredibly well. He gave me the sense that he was going to look after me and that was something I loved the idea of. Over the next three months things escalated quickly. Despite only seeing each other a couple more times in person there were confessions of love and being together forever and even talks of marriage. I truly believed that we were destined for one another and was ready to race up the aisle. My family, on the other hand, were not so convinced and urged me not to go through with the wedding. One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good. Of course, I didn't listen and at our wedding, only six of my friends and my three children attended. Even my best friend, who sat in the front row, sobbed throughout the ceremony because she was so desperately worried about me. I was determined we would prove them all wrong though. That we'd have a happy, lasting marriage for many years to come. But from that moment on, things changed. On the wedding night itself, Paul shoved and spat on me for, unknowingly and accidentally, burning his favourite T-shirt with a dropped cigarette. It was the first time I'd seen this side of him and I simply froze in shock. This man, who I'd vehemently defended to everyone saying he was a good guy, a protector, and someone I could trust, was now proving he was in fact not that guy. Of course there were times when I'd think about leaving I wanted to call my friends and family, but I couldn't face the echoes of 'we told you so' from everyone I knew. Two weeks later the kids and I moved to Germany with him and strict rules were imposed. Paul dictated how much contact the kids could have with their dads and how much I could reach out to my family. He also told me who I could and couldn't be friends with and where in town I was allowed to go and gave me a list of places to avoid. Looking back now I can see it was all part of his ploy to control every aspect of me and my life, but at the time, I told myself it was just because he cared. It was, however, harder to use that excuse when he'd get drunk and, inevitably, violent. On those occasions he'd not only tell me how I was worthless and how nobody would want me, he'd spit on me, grab me by the throat and pin me up against the living room wall. Sometimes he'd even hold a knife to my throat and tell me how he was going to kill me. Afterwards, he'd typically lock himself away in the bedroom or disappear for days. Luckily, as he was so often away, this behaviour and his sudden absence for days on end never struck the children as odd. Instead, for us, life would carry on as normal. When he'd reappear he'd either guilt me into an apology or say how much he couldn't bear to be without me. I didn't necessarily believe him, but I just wanted peace, stability. Of course there were times when I'd think about leaving – by now, I'd owned up to myself that marrying him had been my biggest mistake – but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. He cleared out our joint bank account to leave me with nothing, yet told people I was the one who'd taken his money Paul might have been dreadful to me but he was nothing but wonderful to the children. He doted on them, took them on day trips and was always on best behaviour when they were around. Besides, I'd already dragged them to Germany, and the last thing I wanted to do was drag them anywhere else. Eventually though, that's exactly what I had to do. Just over a year into our marriage I discovered he had a secret phone and on it were the numbers and texts from multiple women, one of whom had just discovered she was pregnant. At that moment my world collapsed. Sure, things had been far from perfect, but I'd always thought the love between us, at least at one point, had been real. For the next few weeks there was a lot of shouting and crying as I confronted him about his various affairs. We then became very cold, distant to each other and our interactions were purely practical. We called the relationship quits soon after but things only got worse from there. He cleared out our joint bank account to leave me with nothing, yet told people I was the one who'd taken his money. He sold my car without me knowing, which meant I was forced to use what little funds I had to buy it back. And I presume he was behind the calls I'd get from women who'd say how 'fat and ugly' I was and how wonderful he was. Eventually, the whole thing became so exhausting that I just knew I had to get out: out of the house we'd once shared and, for my own safety, the country. By this point the threats – that no matter where I went, he'd find me and kill me – were becoming pretty constant, so I knew home wasn't an option. I had to think of somewhere else, somewhere we could disappear and be safe. I hate that Paul still has control over my life With some help from a neighbour and a lot of secrecy, I planned for our move to Northern Ireland. I changed my number, email address and did everything I could to help the kids and I have a fresh start. But sadly, he somehow got ahold of my address and the threats continued to come by post. I just hoped that, once his new baby arrived, it'd all just stop. That he'd either get bored or have less time to harass me and that we could get a divorce and go our separate ways for good. Despite my best efforts though, that didn't and, still hasn't, happened. The first solicitor I went to in 2009 seemed confident that my case was a cut and dried one. However, as Paul was still living on the army base at that time, it became difficult to prove that we had served the papers (an essential step for being granted a divorce in Northern Ireland) as it was signed for by whoever was in the post room on that day. In short, I was stuck. A few years later I tried to go through the process again – shelling out a further £310 – in hopes that, this time, he might respond. Sure enough, he claimed to have received nothing again. The only other option I had was to wait for him to leave the army so that I could file to his new address directly. But the moment he did in 2021, everything stopped. There were no more threatening phone calls or letters and while I was grateful for that, it also meant I had no idea where he lived and so couldn't file against him. I was stuck, again. Had I lived in England this divorce would have been over and done with more than 10 years ago as all I would have had to do was prove I'd tried to serve the papers. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options. If you are thinking about leaving, domestic abuse charity Refuge suggests starting a record of abusive incidents, which might include saving pictures or messages, or making notes of times, dates and details of incidents. The next step is to make copies of important documents such as court orders, marriage certificates, National Insurance Numbers and your driving licence. In the meantime, identify the safer areas of your home so that you know where to go if your abuser becomes aggravated. Ideally, this should be a room with a phone and a door or window to the outside. If you feel ready to leave, start by making a plan for a safe, reliable route out. If you feel safe to do so, pack an emergency bag so that you leave in a hurry if needed. You can access a local refuge, either with or without children, for as long as you need to stay. The address is confidential. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) is open 24-hours a day and has all the details of refuges in your area. In an emergency situation, ring 999 and ask for the police. If you aren't able to talk, try the Silent Solution: after dialling 999, listen to the questions from the operator and respond by coughing or tapping your device, if possible. If prompted, press 55 to let the operator know it's an emergency – you'll be put through to the police. Read more here. Instead, Paul and I remain married even though we've not seen one another for almost 17 years. It's not like I can just go back home to get this over with either – I'm still terrified that if I did, he'd find me and make good on all those threats. I hate that Paul still has control over my life. I hate that, because he won't give me a divorce, I wasn't able to marry my partner, Chris*, before he died from terminal cancer last month. And I hate that there is nothing in law that prevents him from doing this. More Trending Something has to change. The law has to do better to support survivors. Because even though I escaped the relationship, in many ways, I'm still trapped. *Names have been changed As told to Emma Rossiter Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing Share your views in the comments below. MORE: My cousin sent a text that devastated me – I wish he'd called MORE: I've embraced free bleeding when I'm on my period MORE: How a herd of zebras helped me deal with child sex abuse
