Latest news with #DanielleBayardJackson
CNN
30-06-2025
- Health
- CNN
Having friends can help you live longer. Here's how to find them
FacebookTweetLink After working from home all day, your takeout order arrives and you start binge-watching your favorite show alone. Sounds ideal, right? Except doing this routinely could shorten your life. And that's not because of the nutritional content of your dinner. It's because having strong, positive relationships is one of the best ways to extend your life, according to research. 'Human beings just are a fundamentally social species. We have a fundamental need to belong,' said Dr. Amit Kumar, associate professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas at Austin's McCombs School of Business. With everything else you have going on, why should you make a change? Because the cost of loneliness is huge. 'The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity,' wrote then US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy in his 2023 advisory on the 'healing effects' of social connection . The lack of strong social ties has been linked to a greater risk of problems with health or well-being, including more stress, high blood pressure, premature death and poor coping skills. But finding friends as an adult can be hard. Some people's mindsets hinder their ability to make connections, while a lack of affordable places to meet is a challenge for others, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute. But the effort is worth it. Here's how Jackson and other experts suggest you combat those limitations and find your community. If you want to make more connections in your life, consider how you might be counteracting that goal and prepare to change, said Jackson, author of 'Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships.' Many people have a fear of rejection, real or perceived, while others have social anxiety, Jackson said. But if you never take risks, Kumar noted, you never give your brain a chance to see that you actually can socialize. Practicing cognitive behavioral therapy or setting yourself up for 'micro' moments to put yourself out there can help you regulate social anxiety and rejection-sensitivity, experts said. Not everyone is going to like you, and you need to learn to regulate your emotional response to that. That could look like noting the sting and thinking, 'Well, that was awkward' — but not immediately labeling that person a jerk or deciding something about you is defective. 'Some psychologists call it exposure therapy,' Jackson said. 'I've seen them assign a client the task of going and asking for crazy things and intentionally trying to go and collect nos.' Engage with a waiter a bit longer than normal and ask for a menu accommodation you know they will decline, Jackson said. Check out at the grocery store with a cashier instead of self-checkout to practice your social skills. If time is an issue, think about canceling some commitments so you can prioritize your social life, experts said. But you should also change what you consider acceptable hangouts — setting time limits is OK, especially when the alternative is not seeing anyone at all. Dr. Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist, suggests doing mundane activities with friends more often instead of always having bigger, less frequent events focused on catching up. If you want to see someone but also need to run errands, hit the gym or fold laundry, ask them to join you. Instead of drinks on a Friday, plan a short Tuesday game night and ask your guests to eat dinner beforehand so you only have to provide a snack. Some people cite the 'collapse of third places' as a hindrance to making friends, Jackson said. That's true, she added, but those places are closing in part because of low attendance. Today's culture of convenience is also to blame, Jackson and Cook said — think grocery delivery orders, mobile order counters, digital reading devices or livestreamed religious services. These have many perks, especially for people with mobility issues, 'but I cannot help but to think about the cost,' Jackson said. 'We tend to romanticize those serendipitous moments of, like, you're in a coffee shop and you start chatting with the girl in front of you and you guys hit it off,' Jackson said. But that can't happen if we're acting like 'little night cooters,' Cook said — quickly hopping out, getting our food and then going back to our caves. When clients seek Jackson's help with finding friends, they list all their delivery subscriptions and other conveniences — such as frequent mobile orders — and then eliminate some, which lead to those serendipitous moments. Don't think in black or white, Jackson said. 'If you see it as zero friends or go out and make besties, that's a lot,' she added. But if you see all that's available to you — like the neighbor or moviegoer you always run into — you can see what happens. Finally, get off your phone. When you're always zoned in on your screen, you appear standoffish and won't notice people you might like. To determine where to meet people, consider your values and your ideal friend, Jackson said. If you love helping people, look for volunteering opportunities. If your ideal friend reads books, where would she be on a Wednesday night? Probably at a book club meeting or a bookstore, so go to one. Frequent local libraries, farmers markets and parks. Look online for interest clubs or events, or try an app for finding friends nearby. Take a class on something you have always wanted to do, such as learning a specific dance style or cooking a special cuisine. Maybe even reach out to an old friend you have lost touch with, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' We often underestimate how happy people will be to hear from us, she noted. When Cook became a new mom, she brought her baby along on her walks and made many friends by asking other women about their babies and talking about her own. Cook also suggested wearing something that could be a conversation starter, such as a T-shirt featuring your favorite artist. And don't forget you can be a leader, Cook said. 'A lot of people are hoping these opportunities will just fall in their lap. If you're not finding it, build it.' Cook recalled when her friends hosted dinners they called 'friends of friends.' They would invite a friend who also had to bring someone. 'That completely built out their whole social world because their friends were all getting to know each other,' Cook said. 'It became this popular thing where there was a wait list.' Another person couldn't find a quilting club for millennials, so they started a monthly class in a rented space, Cook said. That do-it-yourself spirit is what sparked some of the platforms that matchmake strangers for restaurant dinners or provide spaces for people to start something themselves. Those initiatives include The Lonely Girls Club in the United Kingdom; California's Groundfloor, an 'after-school club' for millennials; RealRoots in the United States; and the global-based Time Left. Small talk may seem annoying, but it's necessary, said Cook, who also wrote 'Generation Anxiety: A Millennial and Gen Z Guide to Staying Afloat in an Uncertain World.' Deep relationships take time to build. If you find yourself running out of topics, Cook recommends asking questions about their favorite things that are relevant to the situation — if you're at a jazz bar, for example, ask someone about their favorite jazz artists. If your platonic interest loves hiking, say you'll send them links to a couple of good spots if they give you their number or Instagram, Jackson suggested. Later that night, send them the links. After a week, ask if they went and keep talking. Cook also suggests using the 'listen and link' technique. As you're listening to someone, think about what you can link to the conversation, use that and build from there. If someone's talking about their trip to Costa Rica and you love monkeys, ask what kinds of monkeys they saw in Costa Rica. One of my favorite ways to keep a conversation going with someone new? Staying curious. When someone is totally new to you, there is a whole decades-long world of information to learn about them. When you're aware of that, how could you ever have nothing to talk about? Cook agrees. Although many people know romantic partnerships require consistent effort and nurturing, many think friendship should be the opposite: easy, natural and organic, Jackson said. This idea may be because growing up, we made friends more easily because we had classes or sports practice with them every day. But in adulthood, that idea is a falsehood that leads to fizzled-out friendships and loneliness, Jackson said. Maintaining friendships takes a lot of intention, experts said. Set reminders to check in, be a good listener, don't be judgmental and remember what your new acquaintances like so you can suggest meaningful ways to spend time together — and maybe even live longer. Sign up for CNN's Adulthood, But Better newsletter series. Our seven-part guide has tips to help you make more informed decisions around personal finance, career, wellness and personal connections.
CNN
30-06-2025
- Health
- CNN
Having friends can help you live longer. Here's how to find them
After working from home all day, your takeout order arrives and you start binge-watching your favorite show alone. Sounds ideal, right? Except doing this routinely could shorten your life. And that's not because of the nutritional content of your dinner. It's because having strong, positive relationships is one of the best ways to extend your life, according to research. 'Human beings just are a fundamentally social species. We have a fundamental need to belong,' said Dr. Amit Kumar, associate professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas at Austin's McCombs School of Business. With everything else you have going on, why should you make a change? Because the cost of loneliness is huge. 'The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity,' wrote then US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy in his 2023 advisory on the 'healing effects' of social connection . The lack of strong social ties has been linked to a greater risk of problems with health or well-being, including more stress, high blood pressure, premature death and poor coping skills. But finding friends as an adult can be hard. Some people's mindsets hinder their ability to make connections, while a lack of affordable places to meet is a challenge for others, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute. But the effort is worth it. Here's how Jackson and other experts suggest you combat those limitations and find your community. If you want to make more connections in your life, consider how you might be counteracting that goal and prepare to change, said Jackson, author of 'Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships.' Many people have a fear of rejection, real or perceived, while others have social anxiety, Jackson said. But if you never take risks, Kumar noted, you never give your brain a chance to see that you actually can socialize. Practicing cognitive behavioral therapy or setting yourself up for 'micro' moments to put yourself out there can help you regulate social anxiety and rejection-sensitivity, experts said. Not everyone is going to like you, and you need to learn to regulate your emotional response to that. That could look like noting the sting and thinking, 'Well, that was awkward' — but not immediately labeling that person a jerk or deciding something about you is defective. 'Some psychologists call it exposure therapy,' Jackson said. 'I've seen them assign a client the task of going and asking for crazy things and intentionally trying to go and collect nos.' Engage with a waiter a bit longer than normal and ask for a menu accommodation you know they will decline, Jackson said. Check out at the grocery store with a cashier instead of self-checkout to practice your social skills. If time is an issue, think about canceling some commitments so you can prioritize your social life, experts said. But you should also change what you consider acceptable hangouts — setting time limits is OK, especially when the alternative is not seeing anyone at all. Dr. Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist, suggests doing mundane activities with friends more often instead of always having bigger, less frequent events focused on catching up. If you want to see someone but also need to run errands, hit the gym or fold laundry, ask them to join you. Instead of drinks on a Friday, plan a short Tuesday game night and ask your guests to eat dinner beforehand so you only have to provide a snack. Some people cite the 'collapse of third places' as a hindrance to making friends, Jackson said. That's true, she added, but those places are closing in part because of low attendance. Today's culture of convenience is also to blame, Jackson and Cook said — think grocery delivery orders, mobile order counters, digital reading devices or livestreamed religious services. These have many perks, especially for people with mobility issues, 'but I cannot help but to think about the cost,' Jackson said. 'We tend to romanticize those serendipitous moments of, like, you're in a coffee shop and you start chatting with the girl in front of you and you guys hit it off,' Jackson said. But that can't happen if we're acting like 'little night cooters,' Cook said — quickly hopping out, getting our food and then going back to our caves. When clients seek Jackson's help with finding friends, they list all their delivery subscriptions and other conveniences — such as frequent mobile orders — and then eliminate some, which lead to those serendipitous moments. Don't think in black or white, Jackson said. 'If you see it as zero friends or go out and make besties, that's a lot,' she added. But if you see all that's available to you — like the neighbor or moviegoer you always run into — you can see what happens. Finally, get off your phone. When you're always zoned in on your screen, you appear standoffish and won't notice people you might like. To determine where to meet people, consider your values and your ideal friend, Jackson said. If you love helping people, look for volunteering opportunities. If your ideal friend reads books, where would she be on a Wednesday night? Probably at a book club meeting or a bookstore, so go to one. Frequent local libraries, farmers markets and parks. Look online for interest clubs or events, or try an app for finding friends nearby. Take a class on something you have always wanted to do, such as learning a specific dance style or cooking a special cuisine. Maybe even reach out to an old friend you have lost touch with, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' We often underestimate how happy people will be to hear from us, she noted. When Cook became a new mom, she brought her baby along on her walks and made many friends by asking other women about their babies and talking about her own. Cook also suggested wearing something that could be a conversation starter, such as a T-shirt featuring your favorite artist. And don't forget you can be a leader, Cook said. 'A lot of people are hoping these opportunities will just fall in their lap. If you're not finding it, build it.' Cook recalled when her friends hosted dinners they called 'friends of friends.' They would invite a friend who also had to bring someone. 'That completely built out their whole social world because their friends were all getting to know each other,' Cook said. 'It became this popular thing where there was a wait list.' Another person couldn't find a quilting club for millennials, so they started a monthly class in a rented space, Cook said. That do-it-yourself spirit is what sparked some of the platforms that matchmake strangers for restaurant dinners or provide spaces for people to start something themselves. Those initiatives include The Lonely Girls Club in the United Kingdom; California's Groundfloor, an 'after-school club' for millennials; RealRoots in the United States; and the global-based Time Left. Small talk may seem annoying, but it's necessary, said Cook, who also wrote 'Generation Anxiety: A Millennial and Gen Z Guide to Staying Afloat in an Uncertain World.' Deep relationships take time to build. If you find yourself running out of topics, Cook recommends asking questions about their favorite things that are relevant to the situation — if you're at a jazz bar, for example, ask someone about their favorite jazz artists. If your platonic interest loves hiking, say you'll send them links to a couple of good spots if they give you their number or Instagram, Jackson suggested. Later that night, send them the links. After a week, ask if they went and keep talking. Cook also suggests using the 'listen and link' technique. As you're listening to someone, think about what you can link to the conversation, use that and build from there. If someone's talking about their trip to Costa Rica and you love monkeys, ask what kinds of monkeys they saw in Costa Rica. One of my favorite ways to keep a conversation going with someone new? Staying curious. When someone is totally new to you, there is a whole decades-long world of information to learn about them. When you're aware of that, how could you ever have nothing to talk about? Cook agrees. Although many people know romantic partnerships require consistent effort and nurturing, many think friendship should be the opposite: easy, natural and organic, Jackson said. This idea may be because growing up, we made friends more easily because we had classes or sports practice with them every day. But in adulthood, that idea is a falsehood that leads to fizzled-out friendships and loneliness, Jackson said. Maintaining friendships takes a lot of intention, experts said. Set reminders to check in, be a good listener, don't be judgmental and remember what your new acquaintances like so you can suggest meaningful ways to spend time together — and maybe even live longer. Sign up for CNN's Adulthood, But Better newsletter series. Our seven-part guide has tips to help you make more informed decisions around personal finance, career, wellness and personal connections.
CBC
03-05-2025
- General
- CBC
As adults, making friends can be challenging. Here are 6 steps to help you find your squad
For adults, making new friends can be an uphill battle. Gone are the default spaces like school, extracurricular clubs or teams, student residence halls and other spots kids, teens and young adults naturally connect and make friends. Adulthood puts up a host of challenges: physical distance from your best buds, for instance, limited time after work, family obligations and the common shrinking of social networks that comes with age. Then there's our growing tendency towards social isolation to consider, as some may simply have been raised to focus on career and family first, leaving friendships a distant concern. It's understandable then that people may come to the sudden realization that years have passed since they've truly connected with friends. So, what's a grown-up seeking a squad or BFF to do? Friendship coach and author Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the female-focused podcast Friend Forward, and comedian and writer Aaron Karo, host of the male friendship podcast Man of the Year, spoke with Just Asking host Saroja Coelho to share advice about getting started. Don't feel awkward, even if it's been a minute Social circles naturally shift over time — people tend to replace about half their friends over a seven-year period — but even if it's been awhile, don't get bogged down by feeling embarrassed or awkward about it and just reach out, says Karo. "Don't just wait around to get invited. You have to be doing the reaching out," he said from Los Angeles. Flip your perspective When one moves to a new community, the idea of building a completely new social circle from scratch can feel daunting. Jackson encourages ditching the mindset you're starting from behind the curve and opting for a positive one focused on confidence and purpose instead. Kids often bond with classmates, for instance, yet "as an adult, you can choose ... and position yourself more strategically and intentionally to invite like-minded connections into your life," said Jackson. Meet up in-person The COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated some people's already growing proclivity to being homebodies and others have fallen out of practice gathering to socialize with friends. This might be even more pronounced in young adults, for whom isolation may have been part of their formative high school or post-secondary experience. An easy way to get yourself out there? Pick something you already enjoy — working out perhaps, walking the dog, crafting or playing a favourite game — and take it up a notch by finding a way to do that with other people or in public. That might mean, for instance, joining an in-person chess club rather than only playing online matches or practicing yoga with others versus alone. By piggybacking on a preferred pastime, "it doesn't feel like so much of a heavy lift to go out and do all these things," Jackson said from Tampa, Fla. She added that ongoing attendance is key. "If you're going every Tuesday night or every first Thursday of the month, you're seeing the same faces. You're building a rapport and it gives a chance for something to build, as opposed to ... one-off singular events." Be upfront about intentions Conveying an interest to take a relationship further — from work colleague to friend, for example — can prove tricky if prospective pals make assumptions about your intentions. Jackson advises being clear from the get-go that it's friendship you're seeking. "We have permission to tell people up front 'Hey, I like you… I'm trying to be intentional about connecting with new friends in this season of my life,'" she said. "I don't think that makes you desperate. I think that comes across … [like] 'She knows what she wants and is confident.' And there's something about that that's contagious." Proposing a group hang or extending an invite to a potential buddy along with their spouse can also do the trick, adds Karo. When you invite a partner, "there's no danger of it being misinterpreted," he said. "If you invite five people to go for a drink after work, it's pretty clear you're not making a pass at anybody. You're trying to become friends with them." Mining acquaintances is perfectly acceptable Perhaps you've already met and even spent time with someone with friend potential, having met them at a gathering with your spouse or in a wider group. Both Karo and Jackson encourage diving further into those existing connections. "There's no reason why you can't become friends with your wife's friends' husbands," Karo noted. "Choose a couple ... that you actually like and make a plan with them — without the women or without the partners." When the goal is to make friends, Jackson added, who says you must always start at square one with completely new people? "They're already in your life. So how can we build on that?" Made a connection? Follow up and be strategic After a genuine connection, forward momentum is important, according to Karo, though he adds becoming new besties will take time. "If you meet someone that you're interested in romantically, you don't [say] 'I'll talk to them some other time'... You follow up right away," he noted, advising the same should be done with platonic relationships. "It's tough, but we would say dip your toe in the pool slowly. You don't necessarily have to ask them about their deepest, darkest dreams [right away]. You wanna get to know them a little bit first before you dive deep." Also, with time being a limited resource, Jackson favours a strategy of concentrating efforts on those with whom you'd like to deepen your acquaintance. She recommends an approach that includes showing appreciation, reaching out to demonstrate your curiosity about the other person, being open and vulnerable, proving you're reliable and "clocking hours together." For parents especially, having meaningful adult friendships is not only good for the grown-ups, it's healthy modelling for kids, Jackson added.
