7 days ago
Are Parents Too Afraid to Say No? Rethinking How We Speak to Our Children
In their quest to raise happy children, many parents have turned to 'gentle parenting.' But this approach, filled with ready-made phrases and a fear of saying 'no,' sometimes has its limits.
'I understand that you're angry', 'all your emotions are valid', 'would you rather brush your teeth now or in five minutes?'... Repeated over and over again in parenting books, blogs or magazines, these 'gentle parenting' formulas have become mantras. Guided by a commendable desire for mutual respect and non-violent upbringing, this approach has spread widely over the past 15 years. Yet in practice, it sometimes leaves parents disoriented and children without clear boundaries.
On April 6, the French TV investigation program Zone Interdite devoted a segment to these new educational practices. Their reportage featured a couple dealing with their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, in the midst of a tantrum because she wasn't allowed to watch a cartoon during dinner. Sticking to their principles, the parents stay calm, explain the situation, and negotiate — only to ultimately give in to her request. The episode sparked debate: can words alone truly raise a child? Are they capable of understanding their parents' explanations?
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The reality principle
For French psychologist Didier Pleux, author of L'éducation bienveillante, ça suffit! ('Enough with Gentle Parenting!'), the answer is non: 'True positive education is definitely not the French way,' he says. "Explaining and talking are fine at first. But if the child breaks a rule and there's never any consequences, it just won't work. There are some children whose temperament can't be regulated by language alone." In his view, some children need to be confronted with reality in order to integrate limits. However, in a world saturated with screens and accustomed to comfort, tolerance of frustration is becoming rare, and frustration is often resented.
'We've forgotten the reality principle,' he explains. A child needs to identify with parents, to do everyday activities with them, to understand that we also have constraints and small obligations. Reality can't be experienced through communication alone." Instead of 'explaining things all the time,' the psychologist advocates re-establishing family rules. "If a driver runs a red light, at some point he'll be fined, because there's a traffic code. We also need a family code to stop children from pushing boundaries", he says, citing dessert bans as an example. According to him, fostering self-esteem doesn't eliminate the need to teach children how to handle waiting, failure, or prohibition.
Even among advocates of gentle parenting, there's consensus on the importance of limits. One of the biggest misunderstandings around positive education has been the erasure of boundaries and prohibitions under the assumption that communication alone would solve everything. Marie-Paule Thollon-Béhar, a developmental psychologist and author of Communiquer, penser, parler avec le petit enfant ('Communicating, Thinking, Talking with Young Children'), explains:"Parents are now afraid to say 'no'. But to set limits calmly, you need to be convinced. A parent's strength lies in consistency and conviction when they've decided on a rule. A lack of clarity doesn't give a child structure.' In her view, it's all about balance — between letting the child explore their environment and helping them integrate daily constraints like bedtime or bath time.
Fear of displeasing
Setting limits doesn't mean parents aren't good to their children, or don't listen to what they have to say. This can be shown through a look, an attitude, a gesture... Marie-Paule Thollon-Béhar also warns of 'technoference', i.e. the lack of availability of parents in their interactions with their children due to screens interfering, and pleads for parents to really 'listen' to 'what the child has to say'. While the intention to be kind is precious, it must not be transformed into a series of ready-made phrases or a panicked fear of displeasing.
'It's not enough to say 'you're the best, my princess', with no intention behind it, but you have to sincerely encourage your child', Thollon-Béhar points out. Building solid foundations for a child's development into a responsible, autonomous person isn't just about doling out praise. Compliments, yes, but in a meaningful way: "You also have to be able to explain to your child that they need to make progress, and that certain efforts are expected of them. According to Didier Pleux, true positive education is about 'reinforcing everything that works well in a child, to give them self-confidence'.
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For Florence Millot, also a psychologist and author of Comment parler à ses enfants ("How To Talk To Your Children"), "you can't pretend to always be benevolent, in a good mood and attentive. That's an impossible expectation in daily life." What are the consequences for a parent who always wants to be benevolent on a daily basis, even when their heart isn't in it? 'The child becomes less and less attentive, the parent gets angry after a while, either because he's had enough, or he gives up and ends up saying 'yes' to everything.' The result is more and more aggressiveness, with burned-out parents and anxious children.
As she sees it, everyone needs to define their own educational benchmarks, according to personal values but also constraints. "A single parent who comes home at 7 p.m. can't do the same as a stay-at-home parent. The important thing is to be consistent, to question your own values and what kind of framework you want to set up." Indeed, it's inconsistent to tell a child not to watch screens too much, only to leave them alone in front of the TV when you're tired and switch it off without explanation. That's why it's so important to set up a simple, coherent framework that's adapted to each family's lifestyle.
She also urges us to sort out what we share with our children: 'Today, we tell children too much, we explain everything, all the time: wars, climate, unemployment... They don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it.' As a result, we end up with a generation of anxious children, who take on adult issues at a very early age. "Children don't need explanations; what they want is to act. They need something real. For example, sort things out, put the garbage away, go and see a grandmother, help out." How did we get here? Is Françoise Dolto to blame, the French psychoanalyst whose precepts are still debated today? 'She never said that you should tell children everything, but that you should talk 'truthfully' with them when there's a situation that directly affects them, whether it's a separation, a bereavement, something that's going to change their lives', says Florence Millot.
She also believes that while neuroscience has brought many benefits, it has also done a great deal of damage. 'Studies have shown that when you talk harshly to a child, it has repercussions on their brain,' she explains. In fact, parents often feel that as soon as they speak badly to their children, or send them off, they traumatize them forever, right down to their neuronal connections. They don't dare say anything. We've grasped all the scientific studies without understanding them." The psychologist therefore calls for a return to 'embodied' and ' thoughtful' benevolence, with more 'parental instinct'. Ultimately, educating is not just about explaining, it's also about acting, embodying, deciding. And sometimes that means simply saying no.
