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Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well
Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well originally appeared on Parade.
It's natural as a parent to want to build your child's confidence and help them grow. But sometimes, your well-meaning words and actions might actually be hindering their growth instead of helping it. Some common phrases are surprisingly seen as red flags by child psychologists, and if you're using them, it might be time for a pivot. According to them, there are out there doing a lot —even if you mean well. "Sometimes, the words we use or how quickly we jump in to help can actually get in the way of their growth," says , a licensed psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. "The good news is that a few simple shifts in how we talk and respond can make a big difference in helping kids build confidence, problem-solving skills and emotional resilience."The language you use always plays a big role in your child's development, but actions are equally important to consider. "Parents and caregivers should try to avoid language and actions that may unintentionally discourage their child from trying new things, working hard or taking their time to figure out how to do something [themselves]," she adds. Moments of struggle and learning to do things on your own are key for a developing child. She explains that it helps develop motor skills and helps a child build self-efficacy and a belief in their own capabilities (more on that later).Dr. Keough and, a principal research scientist and licensed developmental psychologist, tell Parade the kinds of phrases and behaviors that can inadvertently harm your child's
9 Phrases That Do More Harm Than Good, According to Child Psychologists
1. "Don't worry about that, it's not a big deal."
Although you might mean well with this statement, it actually comes off as emotionally invalidating. "Dismissing a child's feelings and moving on shuts down an important opportunity to support them and help reduce their fear of failure," Dr. Young explains. "It also may create the idea in the child's mind that they don't have the right to feel the way that they do.
2. "What could you do differently next time?"
You can unknowingly put pressure on your child and set unrealistic expectations by saying this. According to Dr. Young, this seems constructive, but if it's not followed by a collaborative plan, it can increase anxiety about making mistakes."Instead, validate their feelings first," she says. "Then ask, 'What could you do differently?' and follow up with something like (as an example), 'That's a good idea—you could practice kicking the ball more. How about we practice together in the backyard after dinner?'"She explains that this provides both an action plan and collaborative support, helping children feel less alone and more confident moving
3. "You're so smart!"
Both Dr. Young and Dr. Keough agree that this phrase can do more harm than good. On the surface, it sounds positive. But they both say it can unintentionally reinforce a fixed mindset—the belief that intelligence is innate and unchangeable."Studies show that children who have been praised more for their intelligence tend to avoid things that make them feel 'not smart,' like challenging or new tasks, and they give up more quickly when they don't succeed," Dr. Keough explains. "Instead of telling a child how smart, gifted or talented they are, adults can support a child's development by using effort-based praise."Instead, she recommends trying phrases like, "Great job working so hard to put that puzzle together!" or "I love seeing you put in the hard work to memorize your spelling words. You earned that grade!" This helps children develop a growth mindset, which reiterates that effort matters and abilities can grow over time. Dr. Young adds that this also encourages persistence.
4. "You don't have to try if you're scared or nervous."
It's natural to want to protect your kids, but there's a difference between protecting and sheltering. Some kids might be hesitant to try new things that are safe and fun, like a sports team or a hobby, and it can hurt their growth if you encourage them to stay too far in their comfort zone."Telling a child they don't need to try something if they feel scared makes everyone feel better in the moment, but this can create a pattern of avoidance that makes children more anxious in the long run," shares Dr. Keough. "It also sends an unintentional message to your child: 'I agree that you can't handle this.'"Instead, she recommends giving kids the chance to practice moving through difficult situations. Parents can support healthy development by helping their children face their fears and build up their "bravery muscles." "Ideally in small, gradual steps with lots of encouragement," she adds.
5. "Don't be worried/sad/angry. This isn't a big deal."
According to Dr. Keough, when children are at a young, impressionable age, they don't have a lot of control over their emotions yet. It's easy to dismiss emotions if they seem over the top to you, but this can actually do more harm in the long run."Telling a child how they should (or shouldn't) feel can hurt a child's emotional development if it happens a lot," she explains. "It can also backfire and lead to further emotional disregulation."Instead, parents can communicate that they understand and accept what their child is feeling by using phrases like, "I get it. You're feeling disappointed that you can't have a playdate today." This supports healthy emotional development and helps a child feel
6. "Let me do that for you. I can do it more quickly and easily."
While it's sometimes faster to do things for your child instead of letting them do things themselves, you'll want to be careful of how often you do this."We want to be careful not to swoop in every time or send the message that doing things well means doing them fast or without difficulty," Dr. Keough shares. "Whenever you can, let your child try things on their own, even if it takes longer or gets messy."Whether they're pouring their own water or zipping up a jacket, she says these "I did it myself" moments are powerful. They help build motor skills, confidence and perseverance. "And don't forget to praise the effort they put in, not just the outcome," she adds.
7. "Your brother/sister always..."
While this might seem like a statement that motivates a child to behave better, Dr. Keough says that comparing your children can harm a child's social and emotional development."Rather than motivating your child, [it] can lead to jealousy, competitiveness and shame," she says. "Over time, this can negatively impact a child's self-esteem and create sibling rivalry."As an alternative, she suggests focusing on your child's individual goals. Using things like chore charts or visual reminders to help them stay on track and celebrate their wins. This way, no comparisons are
8. "Practice makes perfect."
Attaching the word "perfect" to anything a child does isn't necessarily supportive of their growth. Dr. Young says that perfection isn't realistic and can create an impossible standard for your child to meet."Try: 'Practice makes progress,'" she says. "This reframes effort as a path to improvement, not an impossible ideal."
9. [Saying nothing.]
Dr. Young states that what you don't say can also have a negative impact on a child's development."For example, during a conversation, your child might say they were upset at school," she explains. "If you don't acknowledge their emotions—or change the subject to avoid upsetting them further—it can have the opposite effect of what you intended."She also shares that research suggests that when parents ask things like, "How were you feeling when that happened?' and validate the response with "It's okay to feel upset" (without judgment), it shows the child it's normal to express emotions. "It also communicates that their problems matter—because they matter to them," she further Next:Sources:
Dr. Jessica Young, PhD, is a principal research scientist and licensed developmental psychologist.
Dr. Kathryn Keough, PhD, is a licensed psychologist at the Child Mind Institute
Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well first appeared on Parade on Jul 27, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 27, 2025, where it first appeared.
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