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17 hours ago
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11 Phrases Women Often Say To Keep the Peace—but They Come at a Cost, Psychologists Warn
11 Phrases Women Often Say To Keep the Peace—but They Come at a Cost, Psychologists Warn originally appeared on Parade. "Peacekeeper" sounds like a noble profession, but women often find themselves on a never-ending mission to fill this role, often to their detriment. One psychologist explains that women receive the template for this role via social cues they pick up starting in early childhood."Most girls are socialized to be 'good girls' and therefore taught to attune to those around them rather than themselves," reports ., a licensed psychologist. "This creates an early dynamic of ignoring their needs in the quest to be accepted."The result? Women often internalize the idea that harmony is more important than the truth. Unfortunately, it can lead to burnout, resentment and even physical and mental health issues—and Dr. McGeehan warns that peacekeeping is more prevalent in relationships with power dynamics that leave women vulnerable, like ones where someone has the upper hand professionally, emotionally or you say can reveal a great deal about whether you are trying to play the role of perpetual diplomat or chronic people-pleaser. Psychologists share 11 phrases women often use to keep the peace, but warn that they often come at a cost. Plus, how to shed the pressure to keep everyone else Cue the narrator. "Often, it's not fine," Dr. McGeehan unsurprisingly, all three psychologists we spoke to mentioned this phrase."It's harmful because women are dismissing their own discomfort, which can accumulate over time and damage the trust in the relationship, especially when someone else is taking them at their word," shares Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist noticed she defaulted to this phrase and has since intentionally made an effort to stop using it unless she really does feel fine."It's easy to say to make someone else feel better about a wrong that may have been done, but it shuts down your own needs and teaches others your needs can be ignored or are unimportant," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Dr. MacBride notices women usually use this one in situations where feelings are tense, but the "peacekeeper" is worried that they'll get labeled "dramatic" or "too much.""The problem here is that it minimizes harm done and invalidates the speaker's feelings in the process—double whammy," she warns. This phrase is an exercise in people-pleasing and self-sabotage. "This is a phrase that can signal when a woman is about to self-censor," Dr. MacBride reveals. "Sometimes, we shut ourselves down before anyone else can do it for us. Sometimes, decades of self-doubt result in women picking up where others have left off." This phrase sounds well-meaning, but Dr. MacBride reports that it often enters a woman's "rotation" early in life because of social conditioning to be a "good girl.""The messaging was, 'It's your job to make sure no one else had uncomfortable feelings or experiences,'" she says. "It's a message about being in charge of other people's emotions."Indeed, this phrase shows how we can carry the messages we got in childhood into adulthood, even the harmful Dr. McGeehan concedes it's a word, not a phrase, but she's not sorry about bringing it up."I hear it being used with women so frequently that it's worth mentioning," she shares. "Women overapologize in so many situations, especially those where they are fearful of taking up space. It has become as common as breathing air."Do any of these examples sound familiar?"We use it when we've walked in the same direction as someone and most certainly when we've had the audacity to voice our unique thought process," Dr. McGeehan says. "It's used as a filler to take tension out of a situation that may not even be there." Related: Sure, it's another single word, but Dr. MacBride doesn't like how it qualifies whatever comes next."Adding a qualifier like 'just' is dismissive of feelings, needs and requests," she explains. "This qualifier softens, minimizes and signals an insecurity on the part of the asker. People will take you less seriously and are more ready to decline to fulfill your request."The tough-love takeaway: "If you don't believe you deserve to take up space in the room, then others likely won't either," she Dr. McGeehan notes that women pull out this phrase when they're already anticipating that their needs won't get met and want to keep everything hunky-dory anyway. In addition to wanting to keep others happy, she says women use this one to self-preserve, even though it has the opposite effect. "This woman is trying to give someone an out so she doesn't have to risk being rejected," she explains. "In doing so, she tells herself that her needs are a burden and is actually teaching the other person the same message as well, because at the end of the day, we teach people how to treat us." Related: Context matters here. This phrase isn't toxic if you want or need to do something and have the capacity to complete the job. However, Dr. Schiff sees it veer into toxic peacekeeping territory."'I'll do it' can sometimes be said automatically, either in a group or household to avoid conflict and appear helpful," she explains. "However, the woman is now taking on extra work without addressing the unfairness of it, which can lead to frustration and emotional exhaustion." OK, but will the choice work for you?"This phrase is a way to avoid appearing demanding and inflexible, but it is only superficially generous," Dr. MacBride explains. "Being the person who always adapts comes at a steep cost: Your agency and identity."Related: This one is worrisome if it's not true."It seems polite, but often masks deep fear of being 'too much,'" Dr. McGeehan says. "When overused, it teaches others that it's OK to deprioritize this woman because she'll always make it easy for them." "No worries if not" has an also-evil twin, and it's "Don't worry about it.""'Don't worry about it' is used when someone has crossed a boundary, but the woman feels uncomfortable naming it and calling them out on it," Dr. Schiff reveals. "It spares the other person's feelings while invalidating her own. This teaches people that it is okay to overlook her needs."Related: Dr. MacBride wants conflict-avoidant women to view conflict vs. peace as something other than a binary choice when they have opinions or needs."Disagreeing or holding a different opinion doesn't inherently mean conflict," she explains. "It might seem like a rebranding, and it is, in a way. I don't think holding a different opinion has to mean conflict in the first place."She notes that working on listening and reflection skills while calmly maintaining your perspective can help you move out of "fix-it" mode, where you try to soothe any uncomfortable emotions the other person may have about your Dr. McGeehan points out that silence can feel like a threat to peacekeepers, but it's not."It's not your job to fill every quiet moment with a buffer," she says. "This discomfort can fuel someone to say things they don't mean."She suggests counting to five in your head before responding."This tiny pause can give your nervous system a chance to ground, and you a chance to decide what you want to say, not just what will make things smooth," she This phrase offers nuance—yes, that still exists, and you can embody it."This phrase allows you to hold your ground without escalating tension," Dr. McGeehan explains. "I always encourage peacekeepers to have a go-to phrase on hand for disagreements. It doesn't reject the other person's perspective, it simply honors your own."She suggests using it in low-stakes situations first, like group texts or casual chats. You'll build a muscle for disagreement. Dr. McGeehan advises women to check their internal overrides."Peacekeepers often know when they've overridden themselves but only after the fact," she explains. "Start asking, 'Am I agreeing because I mean it, or because I want this to be over?' Awareness is the first step to shifting the pattern."She also suggests tuning into your body's cues, such as a faster heart rate, heat in the face and avoiding eye contact. Eventually, she says you'll start to notice the override sooner and choose Dr. MacBride reports that peacekeepers usually have three strategies for conflict: "Avoid, avoid and avoid." The problem? It ultimately results in a "spill" (or explosion). Put time for tough conversations on your calendar."Scheduling and creating an agenda lets you think about what you need to say and be thoughtful about what needs to be addressed," she says. "This is the concept of 'striking when the iron is cold,' which will let you frame and issue as a shared problem, instead of offloading hurt and then feeling guilty about it." Up Next:Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners 11 Phrases Women Often Say To Keep the Peace—but They Come at a Cost, Psychologists Warn first appeared on Parade on Jul 16, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 16, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
2 days ago
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If You're a People-Pleaser, You've Probably Said These 7 Things Before
If You're a People-Pleaser, You've Probably Said These 7 Things Before originally appeared on Parade. On the surface, "people-pleasing" sounds nice—it's natural and caring to think about other people's feelings. However, people-pleasers—or individuals who put others' needs and requests ahead at the expense of their physical or mental well-being—fall into a harmful cycle."Pleasing people often masquerades as kindness or flexibility, but when left unchecked, it can lead to burnout, resentment and a loss of connection to your own truth," explains ., a licensed McGeehan says that self-awareness is step one toward forming authentic relationships that don't feel like obligations. What you often say can provide clues into whether or not you're a people pleaser. She shares seven common people-pleasing phrases and tips for breaking free of your never-ending quest to satisfy others, even when your cup is "I'm fine" is usually a people pleaser's go-to response to "How are you?" The problem?"This is often said when someone is not fine but doesn't want to inconvenience others or seem too emotional," Dr. McGeehan points out. "It's an avoidance tactic that protects others from discomfort while denying their own truth. It can also be the result of a person genuinely not knowing what they are feeling, what they need or what they are thinking."Related: Dr. McGeehan explains that this one sounds cooperative on a surface level but urges people pleasers who use this phrase on the regular to dig deeper."Underneath, it's a default for people pleasers who are uncomfortable stating their preferences for fear they'll upset or disappoint others," she Apologies are important when they are necessary, but people pleasers will often use this phrase when they haven't done anything wrong."Frequent apologies, especially for things outside someone's control, are a way people pleasers try to keep the peace and avoid conflict," Dr. McGeehan says. "It stems from the belief that taking blame equals being lovable or safe."Related: To be clear, Dr. McGeehan doesn't recommend swearing off this phrase, but she says it's important to understand it has its time and place."While this can be genuine, it's often over-offered by people pleasers as a way to gain approval or be indispensable," she clarifies. "This phrase is less about actual capacity and more about performing helpfulness to stay useful." Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros Dr. McGeehan reports that this phrase is so revealing of a belief that your needs are "too much.""Rather than take up space or ask for support, they shrink themselves to avoid rejection," she says. "While there is truth to it, the driver here is fear of abandonment."Related: Dr. McGeehan commonly hears people use this phrase to justify self-sacrifice. "It sounds noble but usually masks a fear of being seen as selfish or of being rejected if others feel discomfort," she warns. Dr. McGeehan actually does have concerns when she hears people default to this phrase."It's said while picking up slack, overextending themselves or constantly staying busy and being helpful," she explains. "I see this a lot with my over-functioners, and it's meant to maintain control and appear endlessly capable, even at their own expense."Related: Dr. McGeehan reports that people-pleasers often reflexively respond, but there is power in pausing."Creating a small buffer—even 10 seconds—to ask 'Do I want to?' interrupts the autopilot and builds internal trust," she says. "Usually, if someone is trying to break this habit, even a few seconds can help them realize what they actually want."Related: This one may not come naturally at first, but it will feel less out of character for you over time."Speaking your needs strengthens your nervous system's capacity to tolerate discomfort," Dr. McGeehan says. "It rewires the idea that having needs is dangerous or burdensome."If it's too challenging at first, she suggests an intermediary step: "You may have to start with getting to know what you want and need in the first place and then work up to saying it out loud," she It's OK—promise."Disappointment is a natural part of relationships," Dr. McGeehan reassures people. "Allowing others to experience it without rushing to fix it proves to your inner child that love isn't earned through perfection or overgiving. The right people will understand, and being honest with someone will always strengthen a relationship if it's a relationship worth having." Up Next: Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist If You're a People-Pleaser, You've Probably Said These 7 Things Before first appeared on Parade on Jul 14, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 14, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
25-06-2025
- Health
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9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist
9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist originally appeared on Parade. It isn't always easy to recognize the signs of self-sabotage. Sometimes, they're so subtle, you can rationalize it to a point of normalcy. At its root, though, licensed psychologist, Ph.D., says that is a carefully woven defense mechanism that lives deep within the unconscious mind. Although the ways we do it can be small, they're no less harmful to our mental it's something as (seemingly) small as procrastinating or staying in an unhealthy relationship, psychologists want you to recognize subtle self-sabotaging habits that impact your happiness before it takes a toll on your life. This type of behavior can be a result of an array of things, from childhood trauma or a stress response to anxiety and learned behavior growing up. In order to really master any self-sabotaging tendencies, you'll need to master the art of self-awareness. This isn't always easy, but our expert recommends starting with practices like journaling, which can help you make sense of your thoughts, feelings and emotional you aren't sure where else to start, we have the perfect outline. Dr. McGeehan dives into exactly what self-sabotage is, what it stems from and all the ways it can wreak havoc on your life. Plus, ways to recognize and combat this type of We probably all have heard of the term "self-sabotage," but what does it actually mean? What is it, and are we guilty of doing it ourselves?"Self-sabotage is when you unconsciously act against your own goals, values or wellbeing—even though you say you want something different," Dr. McGeehan explains. "For example, you may be desiring connection and intimacy, but unconsciously push people away. Typically, it's the result of a childhood wound that hasn't been resolved, and therefore, a piece of you doesn't feel comfortable actually receiving what you want." Self-sabotaging behavior is often unconscious and can therefore be subtle if you aren't able to recognize the signs. Again, Dr. McGeehan shares that self-sabotage can be "a symptom of an unresolved survival strategy.""I always tell my clients that your nervous system will choose familiarity over health, and ultimately, your nervous system and unconscious [mind] are major drivers behind behavior," she explains. "If you have experienced emotional neglect in your childhood but haven't spent time addressing and naming this issue, you may continue to behave in ways that drive at emotional neglect, continuing the pattern rather than breaking it."Related: This is a huge one and something we've probably all found ourselves doing: putting off responsibilities from time to time. But Dr. McGeehan says that it can be one of the most subtle (yet harmful) forms of self-sabotage."I see this one a lot with my clients," she shares. "We spend a lot of time trying to be 'perfect,' and this can show up in our work projects being delayed or an overflowing inbox. Either way, it tends to be about fear of failure and judgment, and so it's easier to avoid the possibility of that failure rather than just allowing your work to be good enough."To combat this, she recommends giving yourself a time limit on how long you are allowed to fuss over a project before moving forward with what you have. On a deeper level, she says it's important to ask yourself where that fear stems from. "Go and reparent that piece of you, and watch the issue resolve itself in real-time," she Feeling pressured to agree to something you don't want is another common way to self-sabotage. Dr. McGeehan stresses that this is another common one she sees among her clients."Martyrdom is praised amongst mothers, women and husbands ('happy wife, happy life')," she says. "And while yes, it's healthy to think of others, it's also healthy to honor your needs for rest. "She also explains that this stems from a fear of rejection. It could be related to a childhood wound or having parents who would become the driver in your life instead of letting you make your own decisions. "A great place to start working on this is to default to saying no to everything until you can truly evaluate your capacity and change it to a yes," she If you tend to spend a lot of time in the planning phase of a big life change or project, and never take any action, you could be self-sabotaging in a big way. It's another symptom of avoidant behavior."At its core, it's about fear of failure," Dr. McGeehan says. "For this, I recommend going and talking to a younger version of yourself (inner child work) and letting [them] know that failure is a healthy part of life. [It] doesn't have any indication on [their] worth."In addition to inner child work, she has another tip: Find healthier voices to put in your head (supportive friends, a therapist, etc.) who can show you love and encouragement as you practice moving into a place of action vs. analysis paralysis. Constantly seeking outside validation before moving forward in your life can keep you stuck. Dr. McGeehan says it's important to externalize your compass, especially if you grew up this way."It's associated with a childhood where the parents were overbearing and made all of the decisions for you rather than allowing you to listen and explore," she explains. "This one is trickier to work through because you really need to pull back from asking for feedback and spend some time journaling to find your inner voice. A lot of times, this is grueling work because you've been disconnected from it for so long."Related: While this can definitely happen in your friendships, too, Dr. McGeehan says she sees this most in romantic relationships. Sometimes, it's easy to downplay your own needs to your partner or tell them you're fine when you're not. It could be yet another sign of an unhealed childhood wound."You were taught that being small and not asking for what you want/need is what will allow you to remain in [the] relationship," she shares. "Inner child work is most potent for this issue and speaking to this younger self. Reminding [them] it's healthy to have needs and that you are willing to listen to [them] is the fastest catalyst to change." This is another learned behavior that can be harmful to your physical and mental well-being. Whether you tend to work for 12 hours a day or aren't getting enough sleep, you should never ignore your body's subtle cues that it needs to reset."This is all about having a childhood where your parents didn't teach you to listen to your body," Dr. McGeehan tells Parade. "Or, more importantly, they modeled not listening to their own body, and therefore you inherited a belief that it wasn't important to listen to your body's cues."To combat this, her most effective recommendation is to do something relaxing for yourself, like getting a massage, going to the spa or even something as simple as reading to unwind. "Most people live in their sympathetic nervous system and are cut off from their body's messages," she adds. "It's easier to realize you're tired or thirsty if you get some support in relaxing first."Related: De-prioritizing rest goes hand-in-hand with ignoring your body's cues. Some might say they have a "high stress tolerance" or don't need to rest as much, but a lack of sleep can lead to so many other issues, including a decline in physical health and mental fatigue."The reality is [that] not enough people plan and schedule out their rest, despite a need for it," Dr. McGeehan admits. "Instead, we overplan, keeping ourselves on the edge or in full-blown burnout over and over again—usually in the name of looking a certain way so that people will love us."Her solution to this is to visit the root of where you saw this lifestyle modeled. Did your parents often demonstrate that working to burnout was the right thing to do? Planning rest in your calendar can also help, even if you think you don't need to do According to Dr. McGeehan, it's unfortunately common for people to hold on to relationships that aren't serving them. If you find yourself doing this, you could be sabotaging your own happiness in a big way."This one is really tough for people," she says. "A lot of times, we stay in relationships that drain us because we see the potential or good in someone. But oftentimes, we are just staying in a familiar pattern and prolonging our misery."If you do find yourself in this situation, she recommends working on building self-trust so you have a strong safety net when you decide to step out of an unhealthy relationship. Trusting that you're capable of taking care of yourself, even in painful Dr. McGeehan says there are a lot of misconceptions around this one. Negative self-talk can be described as any type of inner dialogue you have with yourself that's overly critical or too focused on failure."This is one of the most common and misunderstood ways that I've seen clients self-sabotage," she shares. "While people believe negative self-talk will push them toward 'better' behavior, the opposite is true. I have yet to see anyone hate themselves into healthier behavioral patterns. The negative self-talk actually keeps you trapped in an unhealthy pattern."To combat this, she recommends talking to yourself the way you would a friend or a child. It's simple, but incredibly Next:Dr. Brittany McGeehan, P.h.D., licensed psychologist 9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist first appeared on Parade on Jun 24, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 24, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
25-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
The 6 Most Overlooked Red Flags in a Relationship, According to a Psychologist
Red flags aren't just for unsafe waters at the beach. Psychologists share it's important to notice red flags in relationships as well—but some are easy to overlook."Red flags point to behavior that chips away at safety, connection or identity," explains ., a licensed psychologist. "Ignoring them doesn't make them go away—it often leads to emotional burnout, chronic self-doubt and cycles that repeat in future relationships."Yet, she says people may miss red flags if they grew up in families where only positive vibes were allowed or if love came with strings attached. However, even people who had solid childhoods can fall into traps of missing relationship warning signs. It's natural to want to stick around, hoping things will improve. Ironically, flagging issues is a more effective way to give your relationship a fighting chance."Noticing red flags doesn't mean jumping to conclusions or cutting off all relationships where you see red flags," she explains. "It means listening to your body's cues and paying attention to patterns that don't sit right and then addressing these issues with your partner."Dr. McGeehan helps people play detective by sharing the six most overlooked red flags in a relationship—and what to do These are the warning signs that people often miss. "Try not to laugh about this one," Dr. McGeehan says. While it may sound "typical," she stresses that nothing gets the alarm bells going in her head more quickly than a client in a long-term relationship with a guy who constantly puts his mother's preferences ahead of theirs. She says it's often a sign of "enmeshment," or a boundary-free relationship."The biggest relationship issues as a result of enmeshment include loyalty conflicts, avoidance of conflict and passive dependency, AKA putting the mental load on their partner," she explains. "It usually sounds like, 'I would love to come hang out with you like we planned, but my mom just asked if I would take her to lunch and she doesn't have anyone else, so I need to be there for her.'"Related: While we're on the subject of boundaries (or lack thereof), Dr. McGeehan says it's easy to laugh off a partner who uses your boundaries as joke material. However, she warns that teasing about limits, such as a need for alone time, is a flag that your partner may not be a stand-up main squeeze. "It seems playful at first, but it's actually a sign that they don't take your needs seriously," she reveals. "That in and of itself erodes trust. However, it also indicates that your partner doesn't have boundaries themselves. It's challenging to be healthy in a relationship with someone who is not healthy and isn't aware they have work to do." Dr. McGeehan explains that people often think confusion is a sign that things are on the right track, but chronic anxiety in a relationship isn't a good sign."Many people mistake anxiety for chemistry," she says. "If you're walking away from time together feeling unsure, overanalyzing what you said or [feeling] disconnected from yourself, that's a red flag."She stresses that healthy connections bring calm instead of confusion."A good way to test this one is to follow up about areas you have confusion on," Dr. McGeehan suggests. "For example, 'Hey, when you said you wanted exclusivity but didn't want to spend more time together, I felt confused. Can you tell me more about that?'"Related: Actions speak louder than words, and a lack of follow-through says a lot."Say-do correspondence is huge in relationships," Dr. McGeehan explains. "It's how we build trust and signals to our nervous system that we are safe... I always tell my clients to listen to behavior over words."She acknowledges that we're all human, so occasional lack of follow-through is normal. However, it's toxic when it becomes a trend, even if they have a list of excuses."The reality is that if someone wants to do something, they will do it," Dr. McGeehan points Dr. McGeehan often sees people mistake this flake for "independence" and "bad luck.""If someone has no long-standing connections or constantly paints themselves as the victim in past relationships, it usually points to a pattern of avoiding accountability or conflict resolution," she explains. "Remember, we move toward what feels familiar—not healthy. So, if you notice this pattern with someone, be ready to inherit all that baggage and work if you get into a serious relationship with them."She says it's doable, but it can come with a hefty price tag (and a willingness to couple's and individual therapy will be 100/10 necessary). Dr. McGeehan says you'll need to turn inward to come to terms with this one."You may say things like 'I'm probably overreacting' or 'They didn't mean it like that,'" she shares. "When you're constantly overriding your own instincts, you're signaling to your nervous system that your discomfort doesn't matter and the signals it sends aren't real. This creates a foundation of not trusting yourself within the relationship." Related: It's understandable to want to hit the road the moment you notice relationship red flags—and that might be the best course. However, Dr. McGeehan suggests taking a beat."You don't need to confront or walk away immediately," she explains. "Just noticing the pattern is powerful."She suggests reflecting on what your feelings and whether the behavior was genuinely a one-off or part of a pattern. Journaling or voice-noting your reaction is useful in helping you determine the latter."Over time, you will have data to reflect back on when you are trying to tell yourself, 'It doesn't happen that often, though,'" she says. "I statements" are clutch here because they keep conversations productive and reduce the need for one partner to get defensive."Instead of saying 'You're disrespectful,' try 'When you ignore what I ask for, I feel dismissed,'" Dr. McGeehan conversations can feel loaded and nerve-wracking, though. Therefore, she says it's "game-changing" to bring an outline of what you want to say, and explains that an outline might include: Writing out the behavior you observed The story you told yourself about it The emotions you felt The request for the future (if applicable) "Bring this written out on a sheet of paper and ask your partner not to interrupt," Dr. McGeehan suggests. "It can feel silly, but this is a grounding exercise in productive communication. Your partner may also want a sheet of paper to write down their thoughts or emotions as you are talking." Sometimes, you just can't get a read on your gut instinct."When you're too close to the dynamic, it's hard to see clearly," Dr. McGeehan shares. "Talk to a therapist, coach or friend who knows your history and can reflect back what's healthy and what's not."However, she shares it's important to go through step one (reflection) first."Even a paid professional cannot tell you what your experience is at the end of the day," she points out. "Good ones will reflect it back, but ultimately, you know your experience better than anyone else." Up Next:Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist The 6 Most Overlooked Red Flags in a Relationship, According to a Psychologist first appeared on Parade on May 25, 2025
