07-07-2025
Silver Linings: ‘Let's do lunch?'
My wife likes to say that 'Food is Love.' She has it cross-stitched and placed on a wall between the dining room and kitchen to ensure it is visible and not forgotten. More than just actually eating or preparing a meal, she likes entertaining - having others over while sitting around talking after sharing a meal.
She used to volunteer frequently for church and community potluck dinners, but we don't seem to have them as much anymore. Some may even see visiting in the hall as a distraction from the main reason for going to church. More and more people attending community groups likewise seem to prefer to have a meeting, conduct business, and leave immediately once the meeting ends. No time to linger. Get things done and move on.
Some years ago, Harvard professor Robert D. Putnam wrote a groundbreaking book entitled Bowling Alone about the decline of social interaction in America, about our tendency to want more 'me time' and less 'we time.'
Putnam writes convincingly that we have, in fact, seen a significant decline in 'social capital.' He provides mounds of data showing that we spend a lot more time alone than we used to, and it shows up in decreasing voting rates, plummeting volunteering rates, and less time mingling, entertaining, or having others over to the house.
More and more have 'She sheds' and 'Man caves' where they can be alone. And many trust each other less and keep their distance from neighbors.
By contrast, in The Greatest Generation journalist Tom Brokaw describes how the generation of Americans who came of age in the 1940's was better at getting together for community picnics and church socials than any generational group that preceded or followed them. These people had learned from experience how to cooperate, do things together, and root for each other; they succeeded not only in transforming American society but also safeguarding democracy, Brokaw writes.
Yet, we are social beings if we are anything. And sharing meals together encourages a sense of belonging. A 2017 UK study showed that eating with others provides both social and individual benefits. Those who eat socially more often feel happier and are more satisfied with life, are more trusting of others, are more engaged with their local communities, and have more friends they can depend on for support. Eating together involves more laughter and reminiscing, more bonding and less detachment and alienation.
Utah community leader and former Utah Tech University Trustee Julie Beck is convinced that the best way to connect either with grandchildren or others is to go to lunch together. 'It is disarming,' she says. 'Friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family members let their guard down and get real when eating together. My husband jokes that he is going to put 'Let's do lunch,' on my tombstone because I go to lunch so often with others. But I am convinced that real conversations over lunch are more effective than any other option.'
The informal atmosphere of lunch allows for a more relaxed and less pressured environment for having conversations, encouraging genuine expressions of each other's thoughts and feelings. Sharing a meal creates a common ground and a sense of togetherness, making it easier to connect and bond.
Food itself can become a lighter topic of conversation, allowing you to focus on something outside of typical concerns or issues and later find common ground. Thomas Jefferson himself used to invite disagreeing associates over for dinner, with encouragement to steer conversation towards unifying ideals and away from divisive issues. Casual conversations over lunch can help build rapport and trust, making it easier to discuss more personal or sensitive topics in the future.
'I've been going to lunch regularly with the same group of high school friends for more than 40 years,' Mary Matheson says. 'They know me so well that some things don't really require much explanation. We can talk in 'shorthand.''
Keith Murdoch agrees. 'I hang out with the same 4-5 guys that I knew in high school. We're all retired, and we may go to sports games together, but we always go eat before or after any event. That's where we talk. That's when the good stuff comes out.'
Whether you are using a meal like this to unload emotional baggage or update each other on recent successes, these shared conversations over lunch help offload our burdens and reduce the daily stressors that are constantly nipping at our heels.
There's something about the act of sharing food that deepens our relationships. It's no wonder that studies show families who eat together regularly tend to have stronger bonds. Dinner parties can stimulate this same togetherness among casual acquaintances. We host a block party each October and invite the 30 households in our neighborhood to a backyard barbeque. We supply hamburgers and hot dogs while asking our neighbors to bring a favorite family dessert or salad.
The backyard table gets filled with everything from shredded green Jello salad to Indian naan. As we eat, we talk about each other's families, cultures, and personal histories. By the end of the night, what began as a group of acquaintances fast becomes a group of friends.
There is a certain intimacy that goes with having neighbors over for dinner—even if it's in the backyard. Such home hospitality invites others into our lives in a way that going out to eat can't replicate. It's an expression of trust, not only an opportunity for shared entertainment.
Such dinner parties can create the kind of connection that the 'greatest generation' intuitively understood and exemplified. There's a time and place for 'doing lunch' - just as there is 'having others over for dinner.' An informal setting, a shared experience, a chance to break bread together may seem like a lost art. But with a little encouragement and a few tips, it can be revived. The benefits for all of us are enormous.
