Latest news with #GregDixon
NZ Herald
10-07-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Road Cone Hotline identifies over 650 total losers
More than 650 calls have been received by a so-called Road Cone Hotline. Photo / Getty Images Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on A government-funded initiative to allow New Zealanders to self-identify as complete losers has been labelled a runaway success after its first month. More than 650 complete losers made themselves
NZ Herald
26-06-2025
- Health
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Calls for nationwide lockdown as 'Seymour derangement syndrome' spreads
Following Act leader David Seymour becoming the deputy prime minister last month, we're seeing and hearing a lot more from him. Photo / Getty Images Greg Dixon is an award-winning news reporter, TV reviewer, feature writer and former magazine editor who has written for the NZ Listener since 2017. Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Public health officials are warning New Zealanders to brace for a national lockdown as cases of the highly infectious 'David Seymour Derangement Syndrome' grow rapidly. Infectious diseases experts said an up-to-18-month lockdown might be the only way to save the country, and called for the government to act quickly. In the meantime, people were advised to socially distance themselves from Seymour, the maddening sound of his voice, his haunting image and his triggering name. 'The only way to prevent a lockdown for all New Zealanders is for Seymour to self-isolate at a remote silent retreat until the next election,' one official said. 'However, we don't believe Seymour is capable of making such a sacrifice for his country due to his own illnesses, which include the often fatal 'I'm the Only One Who's Right Disorder' and the incurable 'I Don't Care What You Have to Say Disease'. We also believe that Seymour, like US President Donald Trump, suffers from a chronic addiction to his own publicity.' The health official warned that if Seymour refused to self-isolate, the sanity of millions of New Zealanders could be at risk. 'If he won't self-quarantine, a lockdown for the rest of us is the only way to avoid a mental health catastrophe. It's us or him.' David Seymour Derangement Syndrome was first isolated and identified 42 years ago in Palmerston North. The only other recorded mass outbreak of the highly virulent disorder was during his appearance on season seven of Dancing with the Stars. Tens of thousands of people were infected then, many fatally. The disease is thought to be similar to 'Trump Derangement Syndrome', only less orange. The latest outbreak is linked to Seymour being included in Prime Minister Christopher Luxon's so-called 'Send in the Clowns, There Ought To Be Clowns Coalition' following the 2023 election. However the speed of spread had increased more quickly since Seymour introduced the Treaty Principles Bill last year. Following the Act leader becoming deputy prime minister last month, and the introduction of his Regulatory Standards Bill, the disease's virulence has increased 10-fold. It is now 'spreading like wildfire' and has become a national pandemic, the health official said. 'This last week and a half have been the worst of all for the spread of this disease. With Luxon in China and Europe, many more New Zealanders were exposed to Seymour as he attempted a series of prime minister impersonations, including holding his first post-cabinet press conference,' the expert said. 'That was like throwing petrol on a dumpster fire. If Seymour is allowed to do further prime minister impressions, the country is likely doomed unless there is a nationwide lockdown.' In related news, new research out this week shows that David Seymour Derangement Syndrome is now a leading cause of people moving to Australia. 'I'm not surprised,' the health official said. 'Getting the hell out of the country is the only guaranteed way to escape this pandemic.' Luxon 'completely relaxed' about possible end of world Prime Minister Christopher Luxon told a NATO leaders meeting this week that they should be 'completely relaxed' about the possible end of the world this year. 'I know I am,' Luxon said. 'I've found that being completely relaxed about things like rising homelessness, rising poverty and the destruction of the environment for profit is a great, effective way to prepare yourself to be completely relaxed about the end of the world,' he told leaders. 'A spoonful of chillaxing really does help the medicine go down.' With Russia's bloody war with Ukraine now in its fourth year, the horrifying 20-month Israel-Gaza conflict ongoing and fears that the Israeli and US attacks on Iran could lead, despite this week's ceasefire, to a broader Middle East conflict, many observers believe the world could be on the precipice of a world-ending war. However, Luxon said he was 'laser-focused' on pretending it wasn't happening. 'In my first 18 months as Prime Minister of New Zealand, I have learnt the best thing to do with bad news is to see it as an opportunity – an opportunity to change the subject,' Luxon told NATO leaders. 'So in the face of oblivion, the most important thing is to focus on what really matters to New Zealanders, and that's growth, growth, growth!' Jesus calls for Brian Tamaki to 'go back to Sunday School' Jesus of Nazareth has launched a scathing but holy attack on Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki about his knowledge of world religions. During a political march by Destiny members in Auckland involving anti-immigrant smears and flag burnings, Tamaki claimed New Zealand was a 'Christian country'. He went on to denounce the practising of 'foreign religions' here, statements implying that Christianity, like lacking a sense of irony, is native to New Zealand. In a strongly worded but Holy statement, Jesus said Tamaki seemed to have only a slim grasp of the history of Christianity. 'Clearly Brian doesn't realise that I am Jewish and that I practiced the Jewish faith in a place called Israel about 2000 years ago. It was my followers who founded Christianity. They also did that in Israel, which is a place that was, and remains, situated many thousands of kilometres away from New Zealand, not to mention Brian's peculiar church. Christianity is in fact a 'foreign' religion in New Zealand just like Islam, Sikhism and all the rest. I really think Brian needs to go back to Sunday School to learn a bit more about his own faith.' Jesus said that as far as he was aware the only non-foreign religion in New Zealand was the All Blacks. Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook What self-driving-but-stationary metaphor is Prime Minister Christopher Luxon standing in? A/ His poor poll numbers. B/ Economy growth. C/ The high cost of living. D/ The country's sense of hope for the future.
NZ Herald
21-06-2025
- General
- NZ Herald
The Good Life: The mighty Greytown gum
Greytown has been celebrating trees generally for much of its life. Photo / Greg Dixon Greg Dixon is an award-winning news reporter, TV reviewer, feature writer and former magazine editor who has written for the NZ Listener since 2017. The sign is emphatic. 'Historic Tree', it declares, pointing at the tree in question, an old gum which is so enormous it almost certainly doesn't require a sign to get you to notice it. The giant exotic must be as tall as a four-storey building. This is the sort of thing you expect to find when promenading in Greytown, the most genteel of South Wairarapa's three main townships. The townsfolk appear to be very, very proud of their colonial heritage and are quite meticulous about labelling it. It is hardly an exaggeration to say that every house and business on the main street, which happens to double as SH2, has a small sign on it describing the building's provenance, proclaiming things like, 'This tōtara cottage was built in 1853 by the Rev James Cuckoo, the town's first religious crank. He was hanged in 1888 for blasphemy.' I might have made that up, but you get the olde worlde picture. In a town so interested in celebrating its colonial built-history, it comes as no surprise to the visitor that the village's current burghers also honour – and festoon with signs – the more notable colonial plantings, as well. This isn't something new. Greytown has been celebrating trees generally for much its life; the country's first Arbor Day was marked in Greytown on July 3, 1890. Which brings us back to the 'Historic Tree'. It, along with a slap-up lunch at the White Swan Hotel (make sure you have the dumplings and the crème brûlée) was what brought us to fair Greytown on a fair winter's Saturday. Listed as 'the Greytown Gum', the Eucalyptus regnans is one of the six finalists in the fourth annual Tree of the Year competition, a contest run by the NZ Notable Trees Trust. Also competing this year is a Morton Bay fig in Auckland Domain called 'The Fairy Tree', the 'Phantom Rātā' in Bay of Plenty, a redwood at Rangiora Borough School, 'Te Herenga Ora', a cluster of tī kōuka (cabbage trees) in Christchurch and 'the Chook Tree' at Waianakarua in North Otago. The last is a macrocarpa which looks a bit like a giant chicken. To strengthen that claim, it has a giant fake egg next to it, which is chicanery if you ask me. To qualify for the competition a tree has to be 'special' to a community and also have a bit of a story to it, which Greytown's 'Historic Tree' most certainly has, according to one of its three signs. It reads: 'Samuel Oates Gum Tree 1856'. The story goes that our gum tree was one of 12 seedlings pushed in a wheelbarrow over the Remutaka Hill track from Wellington in 1856 by a bloke called Samuel Oates, a task given to him by one Charles Rooking Carter, whose name now graces nearby Carterton. As anyone who has ever driven over the Remutakas will tell you, they're bloody steep. So it is no surprise that on arriving with the seedlings in Greytown, Samuel Oakes decided to wet his whiskers at the Rising Sun Hotel (since deceased). It was while slaking his thirst with local ale that three of the 12 seedlings were pinched from his wheelbarrow by person or persons unknown. What is known is that all three were then planted in various parts of Greytown. Now, 169 years later, only the one with the three signs remains, making the Greytown Gum the sole survivor of not just history, but of a highway robbery. Which means the emphatic road sign has it all wrong. It shouldn't say 'Historic Tree', it should say 'Historic Crime Scene'. While Michele and I were admiring the Historic Crime Scene, two young women stopped to have a gander at it as well, so we told them about the gum being in the Tree of the Year competition and encouraged them to vote for it before the ballot closes on June 30. One shook her head. 'I'm going to have to vote for a native,' she said earnestly. There was a pause. Then she turned to the giant gum. 'Sorry,' she said.
NZ Herald
19-06-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: One-legged recruits not proof of sliding police standards says minister
Minister of Police Mark Mitchell: Rushing to meet election pledge of 500 additional frontline police by December. Photo / Getty Images Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on The country's first one-legged cops will be hopping the beat within weeks, as the government rushes to meet its election pledge of 500 extra frontline police by
NZ Herald
05-06-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Jesus, Gandhi and Dalai Lama to sue Ardern over memoir
In the memoir about her life and time in office, Jacinda Ardern says the world needs more empathy. Photos / Supplied Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on The Dalai Lama, Jesus of Nazareth and the ghost of Mahatma Gandhi say they will take former prime minister Jacinda Ardern to court for 'nicking our stuff'. The
