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2 days ago
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‘How to Lose Your Mother': Molly Jong-Fast's sizzling memoir of her ‘always performing' mother Erica
My first boyfriend told me with some pride that he'd read Erica Jong's Fear of Flying (1973) and Shere Hite's The Hite Report (1976). Though they had been selling in the millions, I hadn't yet read either, and was keen to find out what he had learned. He was only 16 at the time, the mid-1970s, and was a proto-male feminist. He was also tender, in defiance of Erica Jong's famous expression for spontaneous one-night-stand sex: 'the zipless fuck'. The boyfriend was a nascent sculptor and carpenter: his hobby was to collect roadkill and then painstakingly clean and reconstruct the animal's skeleton after removing the flesh and skin. His airy bedroom accommodated possums, rats, cats, birds and a wallaby. Their skeletons shed eerie shadows across us as we lay on his bed. He was genuinely interested in how things are made. This is a core question in Molly Jong-Fast's How to Lose Your Mother, which looks back from the vantage point of what she calls 'the worst year' of her life. Her mother's physical health and dementia are worsening, Jong-Fast is juggling a high-profile job as a political commentator (at MSNBC and CNN) with parenting three children, and her husband, Max, faces a series of life-threatening cancers. Then, she has to move her mother and stepfather (who also has dementia) into a nursing home. At the book's heart, though, is the question: How did my mother Erica Jong make me, and how have I struggled to remake myself? Her book is also very much about caring for your ageing mother – and about fame, and what happens when you're no longer famous – written by a funny, fast-talking daughter, who is also a political writer and public intellectual in her own right. Jong-Fast loves her mother fiercely, but is horrified by the way she was raised. The memoir is hilarious, moving and educational: Don't, whatever you do, parent like this. Fame made Erica Jong 'very boring' If you've ever wondered what it's like for the famous afterwards, this daughter's portrait is almost excruciating in the ways it details the sense of loss Erica Jong lived with for years: a disfigurement, even, a kind of dysmorphia. Why does the world no longer see me as I am – notorious, relevant, desirable, important? Molly Jong-Fast watches it all: Because she was, at the time, famous, people gave her a lot of leeway. But such allowances are a favour to no one […] Being able to get away with everything made her, in fact, very boring. Erica Jong became famous at the age of 31 with the publication of the novel Fear of Flying. She gave birth to her only child, Molly, five years later in 1978 – then lived with declining fame forever after. Fame encouraged Jong's highly self-absorbed tendencies, her belief that everyone – the public and her daughter – wanted to hear whatever it was she wanted to say: Eventually, Mom would answer, but never the questions I asked. She always seemed to have a sort of stock answer […] she was always performing. Jong published many novels and works of nonfiction over the next 30 years, and was constantly speaking and touring, but she never again achieved the impact of Fear of Flying. By the late 1990s, when Molly was close to 20 years of age and had gone AWOL on drugs and drink and was expecting to overdose any day, Jong was truly famous only among those who'd also experienced the excitement and hallelujah of the iconic second-wave feminist texts. Fear of Flying had ranked alongside Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch (1970), Our Bodies, Our Selves by Boston Women's Health Collective (1970), Kate Millet's Sexual Politics (1970), Anne Summers' Damned Whores and God's Police (1975), Adrienne Rich' s Of Woman Born (1976), Doris Lessing's To Room Nineteen: Collected Stories (1979) and Angela Carter's The Bloody Chamber (1979). Fear of Flying enjoyed a 40th anniversary edition in 2013, deservedly so. It's a novel that embraces desire, politics, history, sex, marriage – the whole big mess – narrated with rapid-fire frankness and verve. Molly, her mother's only child, was sometimes kept close, alternately touring, partying and dining out with Erica and her lovers, literary friends and acolytes – or she was left in the care of her nanny, Margaret. One entire year, Molly and Margaret lived alone together while Erica and her ex-husband, Molly's father, Jonathan Fast, were elsewhere. I wish I'd asked her why, if she loved me so much, she didn't ever want to spend time with me, but […] in her view, she did spend time with me – in her head, in her writing, in the world she inhabited. I was there … Jong-Fast was made aware from the start that her mother wrote about her in her fiction and non-fiction; she had to tolerate strangers speaking intimately to her as if they knew her, based on what they'd read. Jenny Diski and Doris Lessing: 'less than perfect' Reading this, I was reminded of Jenny Diski's essays, first published in the London Review of Books, about her foster mother Doris Lessing, which she began writing only after Lessing's death in 2013. Like Jong-Fast, Diski's representation of her famous, very smart (foster) mother is compassionate and highly critical. Diski had come to Lessing at the age of 15, when Lessing was quietly famous: The Grass is Singing (1950), Martha Quest (1952) and her masterpiece The Golden Notebook (1962) were already published. Diski's parents were shockers: her father was a drunk and violent, and her mother sexually abused her after the father left. She found her way into Lessing's life in her house in Charrington Street, London. Lessing's son Peter had moved out; in her escape from her marriage and Rhodesia (Zimbabwe), Lessing had left her older two children behind with their father. Allegedly, she felt an obligation to offer this very smart, underprivileged teenage girl a home. Lessing's caretaking of the teenage Diski took place during the height of British and American feminism's rejection of the role of mothering – which still very much held sway in the theory and practices of the feminist movement Molly Jong-Fast grew up in. In Diski's representation, Lessing's focus was on Diski's potentialities. She was uninterested in the maternal, nurturing aspects of the carer relationship: those, Diski would have to do herself. Lessing provided her with shelter, meals and clothing, money to go to school with – and around the dinner table, intelligent conversations with politically active and aware adults. It wasn't enough for Diski, and she was less than the perfect ward. Surliness, sex, interruptions to her school studies, drugs, another breakdown: the young Diski was very much like the young Jong-Fast. Both got sober and became writers. Diski disappointed Lessing, but Lessing didn't abandon her. They continued with their mother/daughter, carer/ward relationship until Lessing's death. After which, it seems on the face of it, Diski felt free – and driven – to write about her. Diski was diagnosed with terminal cancer that same year; another reason to put her experience on the record. The essays comprised her final book, In Gratitude. 'Thinking about my mother hurts' Similarly, Molly Jong-Fast is now writing about Erica when her mother is no longer able to read what she has to say. My mother was unattainable, but I tried. I keep trying. Now she is slipping away and our story really is over. Just in time to try and make sense of it. Jong-Fast shuttles between her early-morning work as a TV political analyst and podcast host, her mother's nursing home and Max's hospital bed. The evident, sustained care she gives to Max, her own children, to her mother and Ken, her stepfather, goes a long way to relieving the occasional desire for more restraint I felt on reading the curated, raw critiques of her mother's and her own suffering: There is a pain in me. Pain like a low ache […] like part of me is rotting or sick. Thinking about my mother hurts. Quintana Roo Dunne – Joan Didion and John Dunne's adopted daughter – is mentioned in passing as a girl whom Molly knew, who was also a lonely, alcoholic only child, and the child of writers and famous mothers. She was as lost as Molly, but she was not a survivor: she died, aged 39, after complications from pneumonia, following a lifetime of struggles with her mental and physical health. Unlike Jong, who spoke and wrote constantly about Molly, and Lessing (who, in Diski's estimation, based a key character in her novel The Memoirs of a Survivor on Diski's teenage self), Quintana rarely appeared in her mother's writing. And when she did, it was after her death, when she was the subject of Didion's Blue Nights. But Didion could not or would not reflect on the reasons for Quintana's suffering and early death: Andrew O'Hagan describes Blue Nights ' representation of Quintana as 'strange, anaesthetised'. Indeed. It is always harder for the mother to write of her own maternal grief, guilt and failings than it is for the daughters, the next generation, to write back. To tell how they were made by their mothers – and how they've remade themselves. In Jong-Fast's memoir, there is the gratitude and the fury you would expect. In her words: I'm a writer, for better or worse. This is what I do. Yes, just like my mother […] it is my job to make sense of the past, of her life, our relationship. Jane Messe is Visiting Fellow, Centre for Cultural and Creative Research, University of Canberra, University of Canberra.
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2 days ago
- Entertainment
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Jane Messer, The Conversation
'How to Lose Your Mother': Molly Jong-Fast's sizzling memoir of her 'always performing' mother Erica At the book's heart, though, is the question: How did my mother Erica Jong make me, and how have I struggled to remake myself? Jane Messer, The Conversation
USA Today
30-06-2025
- Entertainment
- USA Today
Need a book? 15 new releases to read right now, from romance to memoir
What's in your tote bag this summer? Got your sunscreen? Sunglasses? Water bottle? Those may be warm-weather essentials, but what we really care about is what books you're packing. If you're looking for a new title from your local bookstore or library, you're in luck – we've got recommendations for every type of reader. Check out our guides to the best new thrillers and celebrity memoirs to binge, or pick a romance from our recent roundup. There are also plenty of new LGBTQ+ books to continue Pride Month celebrations all year long. For parents, check out some of the best books to keep kids engaged this summer. What to read next: 15 new releases to check out now From found family stories to 'Love Island'-esque dystopian novels, juicy memoirs to snail-hunting adventures, here are 15 new books from June we recommend checking out. 'The Girls Who Grew Big' by Leila Mottley A group of outcast teen mothers in the Florida panhandle fiercely protect each other and their children, despite judgmental eyes, in this brilliant novel. 'Girls' follows three young women straddling girlhood and motherhood: 16-year-old swim prodigy Adela, who has been banished from Indiana to live out her pregnancy at her grandmother's home; Emory, determined to graduate by bringing her newborn to high school; and Simone, the group's leader. 'A Language of Limbs' by Dylin Hardcastle A wholly original novel akin to Sylvia Plath's 'fig tree' analogy, 'A Language of Limbs' alternates narratives based on two different outcomes of one summer night in 1972. In one, a teenage girl caught kissing her neighbor is brutally shunned by her family. She finds solace in a queer community home. In the other, a teenage girl suppresses her feelings for her best friend and studies literature at a university. In the end, the two timelines collide. 'A Language of Limbs' is heartbreaking and poignant, not to be forgotten. 'Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil' by V.E. Schwab 'The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue' author Schwab declares it 'toxic lesbian vampire summer' in this new novel. Blending fantasy, historical fiction and romance, 'Bones' follows three vampires, one in 16th-century Spain, one in London in the 1800s and another in Boston, circa 2019. It's a toxic love triangle, a cautionary tale of vengeful exes and a thrilling, genre-defying ode to queerness. 'How to Lose Your Mother' by Molly Jong-Fast 'How to Lose Your Mother' is Jong-Fast's intimate and honest memoir of her life as the only child of the famous feminist writer Erica Jong. In it, Jong-Fast brings readers into a transformative year grappling with her husband's rare cancer diagnosis and mother's spiraling dementia. Especially in audiobook form, 'How to Lose Your Mother' feels like a confessional from a friend, a masterful meditation on narcissistic parents, fame, sobriety, legacy and aging. 'Don't Let Him In' by Lisa Jewell Several women collide over one shady man in 'Don't Let Him In,' a quintessentially Jewell thriller through and through. It starts after restaurateur Paddy is murdered, leaving behind a grieving wife (Nina) and daughter (Ash). Soon after, Nina is swept off her feet by an enchanting friend of her late husband's. But Ash is convinced something sinister is at play. Meanwhile, in a neighboring town, florist and mother Martha tries to solve the mystery of her disappearing husband, whose "work" absences stretch longer and longer each week. 'Atmosphere' by Taylor Jenkins Reid A love story set against the backdrop of NASA's space shuttle program in the 1980s, 'Atmosphere' follows the fictional Joan Goodwin, one of the first women admitted to the competitive trainee class. Reid's latest is brimming with a community of characters you grow to love and miss once you've turned the last page. Come for an action-packed space odyssey, stay for Reid's meditations on love, curiosity and humankind. 'Skipshock' by Caroline O'Donoghue This YA fantasy romance from the author of 'The Rachel Incident' follows two fates inextricably linked on a train. Troubled Margo is on her way to a new boarding school after her father's death, and Moon is a traveling salesman. The pair collide on a mystical train that speeds and slows time – stopping at a "slow world' means living in lavish privilege, but the risk of death by 'skipshock' looms. 'Endling' by Maria Reva Absurd and charming, 'Endling' follows a snail-breeding scientist in Ukraine who funds her rare species expeditions by guiding Western men looking for a docile bride on 'romance tours.' When she comes across a pair of sisters posing in the marriage industry to find their missing mother, the three set out on a cross-country journey with a last-of-its-kind snail amid the 2022 Russian invasion. 'King of Ashes' by S.A. Cosby A Southern crime drama to the tune of 'The Godfather,' 'King of Ashes' follows three siblings in the aftermath of an accident that leaves their father in a coma – except it might not be an accident. Youngest brother Dante is reckless and indebted to dangerous criminals. Eldest son Roman, a finance whiz, is determined to save him. And their sister, Neveah, tries to uncover the mystery of their mother's disappearance while also holding the family business together. 'The Great Mann' by Kyra Davis Lurie Calling all classics lovers – 'The Great Mann' is the latest retelling to add to your shelf. This historical fiction novel reimagines 'The Great Gatsby' within an extravagant Los Angeles community of wealthy Black elite. Here, Charlie Trammell is swept into his cousin's opulent lifestyle away from the rest of the Jim Crow-era country he knows, including the dazzling James 'Reaper' Mann. 'Florenzer' by Phil Melanson History buffs will relish in 'Florenzer,' which is set in Renaissance-era Florence and reimagines the life of Leonardo da Vinci. Tapping into the historical speculation that da Vinci was gay, 'Florenzer' follows the young painter as he intersects with two men – one being the powerful patriarch of the world's wealthiest bank – amid an era of cultural and technological innovation. 'A Murder for Miss Hortense' by Mel Pennant In line with recent octogenarian cozy mystery trends, 'A Murder for Miss Hortense' follows retired nurse Miss Hortense as she solves a murder that pushes her to revisit the haunting memories. Once the founder and leader of a local group of Black investors, now ousted from her community, Miss Hortense will dig into her buried past to uncover the murder of an unidentified man found at the home of one of the network's members. 'Plus Size Player' by Danielle Allen Filled with banter and tension, 'Plus Size Player' follows a successful fashion influencer with a heavily maintained roster of jobs, hobbies and men. Nina is never convinced just one of anything will keep her satisfied. But when she finds herself falling for her 'fun guy' situationship Russell amid a big brand contract, she'll have to reexamine everything she thought she knew about herself. 'Of Monsters and Mainframes' by Barbara Truelove Fans of 'Muderbot' will love this quirky sci-fi romp around the universe with paranormal creatures. 'Of Monsters and Mainframes' is narrated by spaceship Demeter, whose job is to shuttle humans between Earth and Alpha Centauri. When her humans turn up dead and Demeter suspects murder, she joins a cast of monsters on a revenge mission. 'The Compound' by Aisling Rawle Like 'Love Island' set in a deranged dystopian desert, 'The Compound' follows a group of contestants competing to outlast each other on a popular reality TV show. These beautiful housemates must sleep around, vote each other out and win challenges for luxury rewards as well as communal necessities (see: a front door). Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY's Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter or tell her what you're reading at cmulroy@
Mint
29-06-2025
- Health
- Mint
Has dementia changed your loved one's personality? Here's how to prepare
It came without warning: an unfounded accusation, illogical and jarring. Jamini* (name changed on request) vividly recalls the day her 87-year-old father claimed she had concealed her college-going son's marriage from him. Her reaction—sharp and unrestrained—left her deeply regretful. The ensuing conversation was unsettling for both. 'I remember being aghast and upset at what he had said,' she reflects. 'But what remains etched in my mind is my father's diminutive frame, sitting in his room, hunched over and wiping his tears after I had yelled at him.' She embraced him, seeking reconciliation, believing it to be a fleeting episode. Similarly, Kumar* (name changed on request) was taken aback when his octogenarian mother accused him of hiding her jewelry and silk sarees. The confrontation escalated into a heated argument, culminating in him opening her steel cupboard to reveal the 'stolen' items, undisturbed on the shelves. When it strikes, dementia serves a crushing blow on the patient and their family. Author Molly Jong-Fast's memoir, How to Lose Your Mother, is a brutal narrative of hers and her mother, author-feminist, Erica Jong's lives after the latter was diagnosed with dementia. Jong-Fast plaintively declares in the book that 'Erica Jong the person has left the planet' and describes her self-reflection and guilt in making certain decisions during caregiving. Similarly, Bruce Willis's family, including wife Emma Hemming Willis and ex-wife Demi Moore, have been open about his progressive brain disorder (frontotemporal dementia) which affects behaviour, language and executive function, worsening over time. According to Dr Pramod Krishnan, HOD & consultant - neurology, epileptology & sleep medicine, Manipal Hospital Bengaluru, 'Dementia is most common in people aged 60 years or more. The incidence increases with every subsequent decade of life. However, less common types like frontotemporal dementia may start at a younger age.' The Journal of Global Health Reports projects an estimated 6.35 million Indians aged 60 and above to have dementia in 2025. In 2015, the figure was 4.1 million. The staggering increase could be attributed to an increase in ageing population and modifiable risk factors like diabetes, obesity, hypertension, smoking, air pollution, physical inactivity and social isolation. However, statistics offer little solace when one is confronted with the symptoms in a loved one. Dementia can have a variety of symptoms depending on the type of dementia and the areas of the brain that are predominantly involved. In Alzheimer's dementia, apart from memory decline which is the most prominent symptom, patients can have apraxia – an inability to perform learned activity to command, for instance, brushing teeth, using a knife or scissors to cut vegetable); visio-spatial disorientation – forgetting their way in the neighbourhood and even inside the house; simultagnosia – inability to appreciate multiple elements of a picture simultaneously. In frontotemporal dementia, patients have a change in personality. They may become socially withdrawn, apathetic, or they may become jovial, excessively talkative and show excess familiarity, behave inappropriately, adopt unusual dressing styles, display impulsive behaviours and language decline, have an inability to execute multistep activities and impaired judgement. In other dementia types, patients can have hallucinations, delusions and confabulations, dream-enacting behaviour, Parkinsonism, and gait abnormalities. But not even a comprehensive list of symptoms can prepare a caregiver for the extent of change their life may undergo once the loved one is diagnosed with dementia. 'When my mother-in-law was in the peak of her dementia frenzy, she would use the choicest swear words to scold her caregiver when all her life, she was soft-spoken and gentle-mannered,' says H, whose father was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. Having navigated his father's Alzheimer's, he recognized the onset of dementia in his mother-in-law and advised his wife and family on how to manage the changes. Geriatric psychiatrist Dr Helen Kales from the University of California, Davis conducted research along with her colleagues to find that caregivers who have a system to address behavioural changes experience less stress. They devised the DICE method—Describe, Investigate, Create, and Evaluate—which provides a framework for caregivers to develop tailored care plans based on subtle behavioral changes and triggers. 'I realized my mother was at her most normal in the mornings just after she woke up,' Kumar said. 'So, I would make it a point to sit with her and have coffee together. She would converse like before, give me some advice or narrate some old incidents.' Experts suggest several behavioural changes on the part of the caregivers. For instance, if listening to news on TV agitates the patient, it is best to avoid news altogether and perhaps listen to music or watch a documentary that would calm them. Other significant actions a caregiver needs to do are: speak calmly with a relaxed body language, don't get hung up on giving facts or hard truths (lie ethically if needed), and above all, don't get into arguments. Instead, try to guide the patient to get exposure to natural light and engage them with games prescribed for dementia patients. While dementia cannot be cured, preventive measures may delay its onset. Jamini expresses a common sentiment: 'Even after the diagnosis, there was pretty much nothing I could do. The antipsychotic and sedative medications prescribed to manage the dementia-induced mood issues have limited efficacy. I have constantly wondered what I could have done to stave off my father's dementia.' Krishnan notes that controlling conditions like diabetes, hypertension, and cholesterol, along with abstaining from alcohol and smoking, can reduce the risk of dementia. Engaging in activities that stimulate the brain such as learning a new hobby or language, taking up sports, or solving puzzles can also be beneficial. For caregivers like Jamini whose parents have dementia, the concern extends to their own cognitive health. 'I remain pessimistic,' she admits. Still, she has enrolled herself in yoga classes, meets friends and relatives whenever possible, goes regularly for swimming and is planning to learn Sanskrit online. 'Something may perhaps work.' However, seeking some practical advice on how to stave off dementia, I asked my sharp-minded 104-year-old great aunt, who lives independently in Vellore, on how she managed to stave off dementia. She replied: 'I don't brood over the past nor worry about the future. I live in the moment.' Memory loss: According to Dr Pramod Krishnan, forgetting recent events is common, especially among older people. What differentiates this from the memory loss of dementia is the fact that these errors are consistent and progressive, getting more frequent with time. Sleep issues: Significant changes in sleep patterns, such as waking up at 3 a.m. or excessive daytime sleepiness, may signal dementia. Personality changes: According to a study by Angelina Sutin, a professor of behavioural sciences and social medicine at Florida State University, a noticeable decline in extroversion and agreeableness before cognitive impairment becomes evident. Other signs such as financial problems resulting from forgetting to pay bills, driving difficulties, and losing the sense of smell could appear in patients diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, dementia with Lewy bodies (DLB), and frontotemporal dementia. Jayanthi Madhukar is an independent journalist based in Bengaluru.
Sydney Morning Herald
11-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Sydney Morning Herald
Erica Jong is a feminist icon, but to her daughter she's ‘an alcoholic narcissist'
MEMOIR How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter's Memoir Molly Jong-Fast Picador, $36.99 Molly Jong-Fast is the 'only child of an alcoholic narcissist'. As it turns out, that narcissist is a second-wave feminist icon: American author Erica Jong. In 1973, Jong published Fear of Flying, a daring novel celebrating female desire and sexual pleasure through one woman's libertine search for herself. The freedom the protagonist finds in casual sex even led to the coinage of a term: the 'zipless f--k'. It would eventually sell more than 37 million copies. But behind the self-possessed image Jong projected was a mother whose addiction to fame and alcohol – in equal measure – fractured her relationship to her only child. How to Lose Your Mother retraces Jong-Fast's annus horribilis, the year her husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and her mother's mind was undone by dementia. The political commentator recounts a childhood relegated to the sidelines as her mother tried vainly to keep the spotlight shining after her book fell off the bestsellers list. Taking inspiration from Fear of Flying 's heroine, Jong would disappear into a hazy world of fleeting relationships, alcohol abuse and a fickle search for public attention while her daughter was parented by others. Jong would occasionally resurface to mine motherhood for writing material, often with comical and damning results. As a teenager, Jong-Fast is told by her mother to be careful driving on the icy roads as she doesn't want to have a dead daughter – at Christmas time. 'I would wonder if it was possible … my mother sort of wanted me to drive off the road,' Jong-Fast writes. Years later, when Jong-Fast almost dies giving birth, her agonising experience is retold as a delusion in her mother's new novel: 'Imagine that the worst thing that's ever happened to you is portrayed as a figment of your own imagination. By your own mother.' It's unsurprising then to hear that the same woman called Jong-Fast 'overdramatic' for wanting to go to rehab as a teenager abusing alcohol. (Jong-Fast is now 26 years sober.) With a loved one ravaged by dementia, levity is the relief-valve Jong-Fast must often pull to both blunt the torture of her new daily reality and the pain of thinking back to the years of neglect. When visiting her mother's New York apartment one day, it's the only comfort possible when she finds her sitting half-naked, reeking of urine and leafing happily through a newspaper.
