14-07-2025
19 Women Are Sharing Their Ex's "Quirks" That They Only Realized Were Red Flags After The Relationship Ended
Exes are exes for a oftentimes that reason is a red flag that can no longer be overlooked. A habit or behavior that may have seemed insignificant at the beginning of the relationship might become the catalyst that causes the breakup. However, in some cases, a person might not be aware of their ex's red flags until long after the relationship is over...
So when Redditor u/IntrovertChapt3rs asked, "What's something your ex did that felt small at the time but now screams red flag?" Women flooded the comments with stories of their exes' red flags that they wish they had noticed sooner. Without further ado, here are 19 of their most enlightening responses:
1."He lied on our first date; it was a small thing. I caught him calling me the wrong name (he used a similar name), but he lied and said he didn't."
"Looking back, there were other lies, too, or rather 'embellishments' of things that were happening. I tried to accept it and reason that he was trying to make the story cooler or funnier. A couple of times, I was like 'No, that didn't happen' and he would laugh it off and make some excuse for why he said certain things. He's an actor and performer, so I just thought he was dramatic and trying to be funny.
Turns out he is a massive liar, manipulator, and gaslighter. I have no clue if anything he told me is true now."
—u/okeydokeyartichokeyy
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2."This sounds dumb, but he used to buy things HE liked (like chocolate, for instance) and say he bought it for me. I would thank him, but not jump up and down in excitement, because, although it was for 'me,' it really wasn't for me. It was what he liked, and he would end up eating it. That happened for years."
"Then during every fight, he would say it was impossible to make me happy."
—u/onetoomanyexcuses
3."When a song came on the radio that I liked and was obviously enjoying, he'd change the channel, and when I protested, he'd pretend he couldn't find it again, and laugh. All the time."
"A seemingly little thing, but so indicative of how senselessly cruel he could be for absolutely no reason."
—u/jcpianiste
4."He told me to stop wearing makeup to work. He said it in a way that sounded so sweet, the whole 'Oh, you look so much prettier without makeup,' 'You're naturally pretty,' 'Makeup is so fake,' etc. The typical misogynistic reasons for disliking makeup."
"Eventually, he said, 'Don't wear any makeup to work tomorrow. I'm gonna come visit you and I'm gonna see if you have any on, okay?' At the time, I found it endearing; I was traumatized and dumb. He actually came to check, which I thought was sweet.
Throughout our entire relationship, he tore down everything I liked about myself. He told me to never wear my natural hair (I am a Black woman with an afro) and that I didn't have 'good hair' and looked unkempt when my hair wasn't 'done.' He made fun of all my clothes (I dress feminine and earthy) and made me stop wearing things I enjoyed.
He also instilled a fear in me, knowing that he was always watching, always snooping. He frequently checked my phone and showed up at places to watch what I was doing. I knew if he told me not to do something, he would find out if I did it."
—u/queenlee17
5."When we were first talking, I noticed every time I pulled out my phone to check my messages and reply, his eyes would be glued to my screen. It didn't bug me at the time, but I thought it was kind of odd, since I always look away from people's phones when I see them replying to messages because I don't want them to think I'm spying."
"Fast forward a few months to when we're dating, he would constantly go through my phone. He was always snooping through my social media, hacking into my accounts to go through my messages, and making constant accusations.
There were other red flags, but that one stuck with me for some reason."
—u/creepygirl420
6."When I asked him about religion on the first date, he said he was figuring out what it looked like for him since he grew up Christian and in the South, but he downplayed it like he didn't practice (I have never been to church and don't plan to raise my kids in that environment, which I told him)."
"We broke up six months later, and he went DEEP into his feelings about Jesus and told everyone he would never date someone who doesn't know the love of Jesus, etc. It felt like he had put on a mask, so I'd give him a shot. Heavily religious was a dealbreaker for me.
Now that I look back on it, and after doing a deep dive into his social media after breaking up, he was VERY religious. It's a red flag to downplay something you're passionate about, and also a red flag that he stopped practicing and going to church for six months, when he was very religious."
—u/groovinandmovinnn
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7."When I was in grad school, my ex and I were living together. It was a Friday night, and he had been drinking but ran out of beer and asked if I'd drive him to the store. So, we went to the store, he got his beer, and I picked up some ice cream. We paid separately because he felt strongly about men not paying for women (also a red flag)."
"When we got home, he grabbed the grocery bags to take into our apartment (he had also bought some food items that needed to be refrigerated), and set them down on the counter.
I asked if he was going to put the food away, and he said, 'Sure,' so I took a shower and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, the grocery bags were on the counter, so I went to throw them away, only to find that he had put everything, BUT my ice cream (which was now a puddle), away. I got upset and asked him why he didn't also put away the ice cream. He said, 'It was yours, why would I put it away?' He looked truly dumbfounded as to why I was upset.
I also later discovered that he never wanted to own a home or have kids because both were 'too much work.'"
—u/farronheitteal
8."Making comments about how guys were supposedly staring at me while we were out in public. He'd always say it in a joking way, but I knew it wasn't a joke and he was obviously insecure."
"It turned into, 'Are you really going to wear that?' and then 'Are you cheating on me?' Spoiler alert: He was cheating on ME!
Honestly, he was a giant red flag, and I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner."
—u/BeatnikVandelay
9."Never had fun. He acted like a stick in the mud and would make fun of everyone for being so immature and not having their lives together. In reality, he just always needed to feel superior to everyone who was around."
"I'm quite sure that he's still offended that I have not crawled into a hole and died without him taking care of me.
Apparently, my success and happiness without him upset him so deeply that he had to revert to living off of his father."
—u/psdancecoach
10."He asked me to lie to his parents about something small in a way that made me look bad (specifically, he asked me to tell them I was arguing with him via text when he got into a fender bender). At the time, we'd just started dating, and I didn't really care that much what they thought of me, so I did it."
"He later used that and a few other similar instances to manipulate them into believing I was crazy, jealous, etc., after we broke up. He was really playing the long con; at the time these instances happened, we were perfectly happy together, but he was still hedging his bets.
If someone asks you to lie for them, even about something that doesn't seem like a big deal, it is a total red flag. I wish I had realized that sooner."
—u/riseandrise
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11."Once my partner and I were 'tickle fighting' each other, and I was winning, so he said stop, then grabbed my hair by the scalp and whipped my head back so hard my neck hurt for two days. He immediately started apologizing and said that wasn't what he meant to do, but because I had tickled him, it made him pull me harder than intended."
"Looking back, I remembered the angry look in his eyes when he did it; it was definitely a moment when he got fed up and snapped.
We weren't together much longer after a few more instances of him 'accidentally' hurting me."
—u/Natural-Win-7354
12."When he would say, 'I try to be nice.'"
"At the time, I thought that was personal growth in the making to be able to admit that. Turns out no, he was a walking red flag in very 'nice' packaging.
As someone who IS nice, maybe to a fault, I never need to try. I want to be kind and help people, but 'trying' to be nice isn't something I ever have to do."
—u/Sad_Marketing_Girl
13."He became wildly defensive during our first minor argument. He turned it around on me, and I ended up apologizing. I was shocked and confused because it happened so fast."
"It happened again not long after, and his response to my feelings was FAR more extreme. He absolutely lost it and started calling me names, telling me I was being 'crazy,' and that I had done way worse things to him. When I shared our conversation with a close friend, who was also a therapist, she told me I was being gaslit.
If someone can't handle slight criticism or refuses to apologize or take accountability for how they made you feel (not to mention actually giving a crap about how you feel), RUN."
—u/Heregoesnothin
14."She talked about her exes all the time. Turns out she'd misled me about how long it had been since her last breakup, and she still kept connections with exes she'd described as predatory."
"She was great in many ways, but still kept her past fully in our present.
Lesson learned."
—u/Plane_Translator2008
15."He would never let me have my 'moment.' I'd play music I wanted to share (it's like a love language for me), and he'd immediately have to play 'his song,' which was typically different than the vibe of my song. For instance, I'd play something alternative, then he'd choose a pop song from the 2000s, so I couldn't go back to showing him what I wanted."
"I wasn't bothered by it until one day when I wanted to sing a song I'd practiced (I used to sing professionally) and he got mad because he didn't know the lyrics and couldn't sing along!"
—u/Temporary_Piece2830
16."They would get mad when I didn't text back fast enough. I thought it was just because they cared, nope, they had control issues."
—u/Impossible-Tackle935"
"Yes, disguising control as 'concern' for your well-being. This is especially common with jealous, possessive, and insecure partners.
If you don't respond fast enough to a text, can't answer the second they call, or God forbid you fall asleep without checking in first, it's always, 'Baby, I was worried sick' and 'I just need to know you're home safe,' etc., when they're actually monitoring your every move, keeping tabs, establishing control via curfews and rules, and putting you on a shorter and shorter leash.
Before you know it, it feels like you need a permission slip to do anything or make any decisions on your own without prior clearance. Giant red flag and very difficult to overcome. I'm glad I'm out."
—u/beau_hemian
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17."He was incredibly resentful of any success I had. He actively tried to interfere when I studied and tried to get me to not go to the award ceremonies when I was recognized for an accomplishment."
"When we got married, he immediately quit his job and got ticked off when I insisted he pull his weight somehow. He'd accuse me of looking down on him and said that I was 'high and mighty.' I was because I thought he was a loser. I wasn't going to finance his life.
He also constantly mooched off his mother. I couldn't even get him to go to the bank to deposit the checks himself. We were divorced in less than two years."
—u/tekvenus
18."He wanted me to spend all my time with him and his friends. I was so dumb to be flattered. In reality, he just wanted to get rid of my friends (it worked.)"
"He had a few female friends who were not part of his actual friend group and never hung out with us. Yet, he would flirt with them and talk sh*t about me.
Whenever I ran into one of them, they would tell him that I had bullied them, and he believed THEM (it was the opposite)."
—u/empress_p
19."He was a 30-year-old virgin who had never even been in a relationship, but that's not the red flag. I asked why he hadn't been in a relationship, and he said that all of the women he liked weren't into him."
"He elaborated: The first woman he liked was in his gaming was her husband. They flirted, but the husband found out, and they left the group/my ex was kicked out.
The second? He didn't know for sure if she was dating someone else, but felt there were signs she was. He pursued her, and she quickly announced that she was dating someone else.
The third? A friend who was in a relationship. He drunkenly had his first kiss with her while she was with her boyfriend."
"He only ever liked women in relationships. I just thought, 'Oh, what a poor guy, he has bad luck.' No. He was emotionally distant for most of our relationship, and when we broke up, twice, he blamed me and didn't talk to me, but requested we still be friends and had a fit when I said no."
"The second time we broke up, for good, he blamed me. A month or two later, he told my best friend he liked her and wanted to pursue something with her while he and I still lived together. She called and told me.
He lied and denied it at first, but I didn't drop the subject until he confessed that he had feelings for my friend for a while. Guess what? She was married."
—u/CandleAngel
Did any of these stories surprise you? Women, what are some "red flags" about an ex that you didn't notice until after the relationship ended? Let us know in the comments or answer anonymously using the form below!
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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