Latest news with #JohnBowlby
Vogue
04-07-2025
- Health
- Vogue
Why I Finally Fell Out of Love With Attachment Theory
There was a time, in my mid-20s, when I became completely obsessed with why I was the way I was. I'd just been through a major break-up, and what followed was a period of intense and intentional soul-searching. I'd do my own tarot cards every night—yes, every night, even after the club. I got really into the Myers-Briggs test (I'm an 'INFJ'), as well as my astrological birth chart (Libra sun, Virgo moon, Libra rising) and favorite love languages (mine is 'words of affirmation'). I started seeing a psychotherapist weekly and I got heavily into the most accepted personality framework of all: attachment theory. Attachment theory—the idea that we develop attachment styles in our early years that then later inform our relationships—was first developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and 1960s. But the pop psychology version really gained freakishly widespread popularity after the 2010 release of Attached, a very digestible self-help book from Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller that basically dives into the different attachment styles and how they might show up in romantic scenarios. You probably already know the attachment styles by now, but if not, they can be loosely separated into four main categories: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. After discovering my own attachment style via a cursory online quiz (anxiously attached with shades of fearful avoidance—at the time, at least), I soon realized that attachment theory could in fact be the answer to all my questions. I felt anxious not because I had reason to, but because I was filtering my relationships through a scarcity mindset. I was being breadcrumbed by a situationship not because they were uninterested, but because they were a classic avoidant, afraid of too much intimacy and commitment. I was attracted to emotionally unavailable people not because they were objectively sexier, but because I felt comfortable in a place of yearning as opposed to security. It all clicked into place, like removing a clock face and unveiling the neatly designed cogs within. Soon, I started to view everything through the lens of attachment theory, internally categorizing every single person I came across into one of the four lanes. Someone took a week to respond to a message? Typical avoidant! Friend only interested in a guy after he pulled back after the third date? My anxiously attached bells are ringing! Date randomly ghosted after coming on incredibly strong? Do I sense a rare fearful avoidant? I even got weirdly obsessed with scrolling through anxious and avoidant subreddits late at night—r/anxiousattachment currently has 76K followers, while r/avoidantattachment has much less at 45K, a discrepancy that is so on-the-nose it's laughable. Couples in pop culture were also viewed afresh: we all know where Carrie and Big fit on the attachment style continuum.
Time Business News
15-05-2025
- Health
- Time Business News
How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Attachment Styles
Introduction Our earliest relationships shape how we connect with others as adults. When those early experiences are loving, consistent, and secure, we often grow up feeling confident in our relationships. But when they are filled with trauma, neglect, or unpredictability, we may struggle with trust, closeness, or emotional safety. Many adults don't realize that the way they attach to partners, friends, and even coworkers is deeply tied to childhood experiences—especially traumatic ones. In this article, we'll explore what attachment styles are, how childhood trauma influences them, and what healing looks like. What Are Attachment Styles? Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how humans form emotional bonds with others. The style we develop is largely based on our early interactions with caregivers—particularly how those caregivers responded to our needs. There are four main attachment styles: 1. Secure Attachment People with this style are comfortable with closeness, trust others, and handle conflict well. They likely had caregivers who were consistently responsive and emotionally available. 2. Anxious Attachment These individuals often fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance. Their early caregivers may have been inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, other times distant. 3. Avoidant Attachment Avoidantly attached adults tend to distance themselves from emotional closeness and prefer independence. This often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive. 4. Disorganized Attachment This is a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often stemming from trauma. People with disorganized attachment want connection but also fear it. Their childhood may have involved abuse, neglect, or caregivers who were a source of fear. How Childhood Trauma Shapes Attachment Trauma during childhood—whether emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, or witnessing violence—can deeply impact how the brain and body respond to relationships later in life. 1. Brain Development and Safety Children rely on their caregivers for safety. When that safety is broken repeatedly, the brain adapts to protect itself. The nervous system becomes wired for survival, not connection. According to Harvard's Center on the Developing Child, early trauma can cause the brain to remain in a heightened state of stress, impacting emotional regulation and trust-building well into adulthood (Harvard, 2023). 2. Inconsistent or Harmful Caregivers If a child's caregiver is a source of both comfort and fear, the child learns to approach relationships with confusion and anxiety. This often leads to disorganized attachment, where individuals crave love but fear intimacy. 3. Neglect and Emotional Absence When a child's emotional needs are not met—when they are ignored, dismissed, or left to fend for themselves—they may grow into adults who avoid vulnerability, rely only on themselves, and feel discomfort when others get too close. How These Attachment Styles Show Up in Adult Life In Romantic Relationships: – Anxiously attached adults may overanalyze texts, fear rejection, and need constant validation. – Avoidant adults may struggle to open up, pull away during conflict, or feel smothered by emotional needs. – Disorganized individuals may bounce between needing closeness and pushing people away, often feeling overwhelmed by their own reactions. In Friendships and Workplaces: – Difficulty trusting others – Fear of being judged or abandoned – Overdependence or emotional detachment – Struggles with setting or respecting boundaries These patterns aren't character flaws—they're survival responses learned in childhood. And they can be unlearned. Healing and Moving Toward Secure Attachment The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness, support, and consistent effort, it's possible to shift toward more secure, balanced ways of relating. 1. Therapy and Self-Reflection Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help unpack past experiences and identify patterns. Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) are often helpful. Even learning to name your attachment style can be a powerful first step toward healing. 2. Building Healthy Relationships Healing happens in safe relationships. Surrounding yourself with people who are consistent, respectful, and emotionally available can slowly teach your nervous system that closeness doesn't have to mean danger. 3. Mindfulness and Nervous System Regulation Practices like mindfulness, grounding exercises, and breathwork can help calm the body's stress response, making emotional regulation easier. Trauma often lives in the body, and healing must include the body too. 4. Reading and Learning Books like Attached by Amir Levine and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk offer insights into attachment, trauma, and healing. Education can provide language and understanding to what once felt like confusion or self-blame. A Compassionate Reminder If you see yourself in any of these attachment styles, know that you are not broken. The way you learned to connect with others was shaped by what you needed to survive. It's okay to feel frustrated, hurt, or confused. Healing doesn't mean rushing to become 'secure'—it means building small bridges of trust with yourself and others. Conclusion Childhood trauma can leave lasting fingerprints on our adult relationships. It can shape how we give and receive love, how we handle conflict, and how we see ourselves in the eyes of others. But trauma doesn't have to define us forever. Through reflection, support, and healing, we can learn to create safer, stronger connections—starting from within. – Harvard University, Center on the Developing Child. (2023). Toxic Stress and Brain Development. [ – Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. – van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books. TIME BUSINESS NEWS
