Latest news with #LATrelationships
Yahoo
07-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
What are LAT relationships, and what do they mean for the LGBTQ+ community?
Sarah Paulson has a four-word relationship hack: 'We don't live together.' When the American Horror Story star told the SmartLess podcast in May 2024 that she and longtime partner Holland Taylor 'spend plenty of time together, but we don't live in the same house,' queer Twitter hailed it as the ultimate blueprint for keeping the spark alive without sharing a bathroom. That setup has a name — living-apart-together (LAT) — and, far from being a celebrity quirk, it's a relationship style with deep roots in LGBTQ+ culture, where autonomy and safety have always been prized alongside intimacy. The arrangement has outgrown its origins in sociology seminars. A 2023 U.S. census micro-tabulation counted almost four million American couples who live apart by choice, and a 2024 U.K. study finds LAT is a common cohabitation among daters over 60. For LGBTQ+ folks, the draw is clear: autonomy without sacrificing intimacy, space that feels safe, and a flexible structure. PRIDE asked Ruth L. Schwartz., PhD, a queer relationship coach and Director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and Dr. Angela Downey, a lesbian family physician from The Codependent Doctor, to break down how LAT works, the perks and pitfalls they see in practice, and the concrete steps to try it. - Yuri A/Shutterstock 'The term 'LAT relationships' (and the idea of 'living apart, together') originated, to my knowledge, with a Dutch writer in the 1970s, but it's gotten popularized recently because honestly, for a great many people both straight and LGBTQ+, it has a lot of appeal,' Dr. Schwartz tells PRIDE. Dr. Downey puts it in plain sociological terms. 'LAT stands for 'Living Apart Together,' and refers to couples who are in a committed relationship but choose to live separately,' she says. 'It emerged in sociological research from Europe in the early 2000s as a way to describe changing partnership structures that defy traditional living arrangements.' In other words, you can be fully partnered — rings, group-chats, pet-insurance, the whole nine — but keep two sets of keys. Queer folks have never fit neatly inside Hallmark's domestic script. 'LGBTQ people have been forced to — and have also claimed the right to — define our relationships for ourselves,' Dr. Schwartz notes. For many of the lesbians she coaches, especially women 50-plus who've 'already created their own homes or lifestyles the way they like them,' merging closets again feels like giving up autonomy. Dr. Downey echoes that cultural remix impulse. 'LAT relationships are more common in LGBTQ+ communities, where traditional relationship models may feel too restrictive,' she says. Choosing not to cohabitate can protect hard-won independence, reduce gender-role baggage, and soften the crush of 'U-Haul on date two' expectations. These days, LAT relationships are no longer fringe. In the United States, roughly 3.89 million Americans — about 2.95% of married couples — live apart by choice. In all relationships and all ages in the U.K., the 2024 UCL analysis found about one in ten couples maintain separate addresses, with LAT the preferred structure when over-60s start dating. Over-60s specifically: The same study pegs LAT at around 4% of older adults, making it as common as cohabitation in that cohort. Global echoes: Sexologist Pepper Schwartz cites 'over 4 million married couples in America' opting for LAT or long-distance set-ups, a figure repeated in Allure's March 2025 trend dive. The takeaway: LAT moved from quirky outlier to measurable slice of relationship data in under a decade. LightField Studios/Shutterstock Dr. Schwartz let us know all about the upside to these types of relationships. 'When we're not having to navigate all the domestic and financial details of a household together, there are fewer points of conflict,' she says. 'Each time we see each other can be special, and more focused on us and on emotional or physical connection.' Although she notes it can be pleasurable to be invited to someone else's home or vice versa, she also says lesbian couples often 'struggle maintaining sufficient autonomy… getting to have our own home spaces… can give us more of the kind of autonomy which then also makes room for more intimacy. Often, one partner's living space offers some 'goodies' that the other partner's does not.' Dr. Downey adds a clinical spin, noting the uptick in independence but also protecting against enmeshment, which she says can decrease conflict that can come about from living together. 'LAT can be especially healing for people who are recovering from codependency, caretaking burnout, or past relationship trauma,' she says. While some people love the idea of freedom, others don't have the same feelings. 'Some people really crave the intimacy of sharing space… so not sharing those things could feel like a loss,' says Dr. Schwartz. 'Some people have adopted mainstream society notions that it's only a 'real' or committed relationship if you're living together.' At the same time, Dr. Downey flags the emotional logistics. 'There may be more miscommunications and a difference in expectations about time together, future planning, or emotional needs,' she says. If kids, caregiving, or fur-babies are in the mix, the Google Calendar juggling intensifies fast. If you're curious about LAT, start with a brutally honest convo. 'Have an open conversation about why you're interested in LAT and what each of you hopes to gain,' Dr. Downey advises. 'Clarify your values, needs, and boundaries. It's not about avoiding intimacy, it's about redefining it intentionally.' Dr. Schwartz models the arc with her own story of how she and her partner moved from cohabitation to separate homes. 'We definitely had more emotional and physical intimacy when we lived separately,' she says. 'It's important to be really clear about what appeals to each person and/or frightens each person about the idea of living separately while in a committed partnership. Obviously, having these conversations from the beginning would be ideal, as there might be more sense of loss involved if people were living together and then one partner wanted to change that.' KinoMasterskaya/Shutterstock A LAT relationship isn't automatically 'long-distance.' You could live in adjacent apartments, across town, or on another continent. Either way, intentionality rules: 'There's a need to carve out time together, because you won't necessarily be waking up in the same bed… So, being conscious and intentional about when it works best for you to spend time together… will be key,' says Schwartz. She recommends rituals — from a nightly 30-minute FaceTime to alternating sleepovers — tailored to distance and bandwidth. Dr. Downey's prescription is just as explicit. 'Prioritize your partner through consistent communication,' she says. 'Schedule regular quality time, share rituals that create connection, and check in about how the arrangement is working for both of you.' Think of it as relationship cross-training: fewer defaults, more reps of active listening. LAT isn't a half-measure; it's a design choice. It lets queer couples keep the spark (and the spare room), sidestep heteronormative scripts, and prove, yet again, that intimacy has never required a white-picket mortgage. As Schwartz sums up, 'Whether a couple lives together or separately, keeping the lines of communication open, and staying out of 'story,' assumption and projection, is key to making the relationship work.' For LGBTQ+ folx weighing the move, the question may be less why live apart than why not, if it safeguards both your autonomy and your heart. This article originally appeared on Pride: What are LAT relationships, and what do they mean for the LGBTQ+ community?
Yahoo
22-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
What's a 'LAT' Relationship? Therapists Weigh In on This Fascinating Trend
Relationships are a lot of work. Even healthy relationships take effort and you have to be an active participant every day. Constantly communicating your feelings and where you're at is integral to a solid partnership, but for some, that doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7. For some, living apart together is the way that they keep their love alive and their relationship intact. Even if you're head-over-heels in love with your partner, you can probably agree that there are times when you just need your own space. Whether it's after a fight or you just need to recharge your social battery alone, solitary time in a relationship is important. After all, you both have your own interests, hobbies and your own TV shows you keep up with. Being in a couple doesn't mean you throw away what makes you you, so it's understandable that partners need to unwind in a solo environment from time to time. However, a LAT relationship offers a different and unconventional way to deal with apart together—or LAT—relationships are becoming more popular on social media and present a very different idea of what living arrangements look like for serious couples. You can even have a LAT marriage if this is something that works for you. 'It's not 'settling'—for some couples, it's love done better,', a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc., tells Parade. But how do you know if living apart together would work for your relationship? Parade spoke with therapy professionals about what LAT relationships and LAT marriages are, along with signs it could work for you, plus its benefits. We also touch on the cons or challenges of this type of arrangement and when it might not be the right answer for couples. Related: So, what exactly is a LAT relationship and what does it entail? 'LAT stands for Living Apart Together,' Dr. McMahon explains. 'It refers to couples—married or not—who maintain a committed romantic relationship while living in separate homes. This isn't a step toward divorce. For many, it's a conscious, long-term choice that allows both intimacy and independence.', LPC, a licensed professional therapist, shares with Parade that it's 'when you're in a committed relationship, emotionally, sexually, maybe even legally, but you don't share a mailing address.' Guenther (AKA TherapyJeff on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively) adds, 'It's not new but it is gaining traction as we collectively realize that 'love' and 'constant physical proximity' aren't the same thing."In the same vein, Dr. McMahon also shares that while it might sound modern, it's not.'What's changed is that more couples feel empowered to make their relationships fit them, rather than forcing themselves into a one-size-fits-all structure,' she Before you cast LAT relationships aside completely because of how different they sound or how much you're sure it won't work for you, there are benefits to a "living apart together" McMahon, who is also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist, tells Parade that LAT relationships can mean less friction because there are no more debates about messiness, morning routines or noise levels if you're not living also mentions that there can be more appreciation for each other in your couple, because 'seeing each other becomes an event, not a background routine.''Some couples tell me, 'This is the first time I've missed you in years,'' she adds. 'Distance can reignite desire.'Guenther shares similar benefits, saying that living apart together means you get your own space, schedule and even your own toothpaste. 'And, this is the big one, you get to choose when and how you engage, instead of just cohabiting out of habit or obligation,' he explains. 'LATs often have better sex [than before], fewer petty fights and more appreciation for each other's weird little quirks because you don't have to live with them 24/7.'Couples who choose to be in a LAT relationship also have more autonomy, Dr. McMahon shares, which she also mentions is 'especially important' for those who are neurodivergent or who have 'intense careers.'On that note, she also says that living apart together can grant you 'career harmony' and greater income because you're not 'forced to relocate, sacrifice or suppress your ambitions' which can lead to you pursuing 'the most lucrative jobs… without sacrificing an intimate bond.'Related: When you're not living together, every in-person meeting or interaction needs to be planned out. Or even if you have an 'open door' policy of sorts, you still need to factor into your routine how far away they live and how you'll get there. If you don't have a car or reliable transportation, this can pose a problem. Not to mention, the challenge of figuring out how to handle distance in a LAT relationship can especially impact physical intimacy. 'It's not easier than living together—it's just different,' Dr, McMahon notes. But she does say that it can be best for some. 'For the right couples, it's healthier.'Related: Double the homes means double the bills. You'll have to pay for two separate living spaces (homes, apartments, etc.) and that comes with separate utility bills, internet bills and groceries. Which can be a strain on anyone in this current economic climate. While it's easy to say you don't care what others think about you or your relationship, it's harder when it happens. Dr. McMahon says that judgment from friends and family is a notable challenge if you choose to live apart together. Guenther agrees.'Some people might see your setup as 'less serious,'' he says. However, he does note that that's not always bad; it's 'annoying but also kind of freeing.' Dr. McMahon says that there's also the con or challenge of risking emotional drift without deliberate connection in a LAT relationship. 'LAT takes effort,' she says. 'Intimacy isn't automatic—you have to plan for it.' When you aren't coming home after work to your partner and you have different schedules, you not only need to make time for each other, but you need to have really strong communication skills to make it work.'There's no 'default' path,' Guenther says. 'Which means everything needs to be talked about. (Yes, even who hosts Christmas).' Good communication can be a challenge for any couple, but it really breaks down if it's not there in a LAT relationship. As you can imagine, it can be challenging to live apart from your spouse or significant other for many reasons, one of them being the fear that they could be off cheating or having people you don't like over behind your back. So living apart together will put your trust to the ultimate test, meaning you need to really have solid trust in your partner.'You'll also need a strong sense of trust and emotional security because you're not going to be around to see what they're texting at 11 p.m. (And good! You deserve rest),' Guenther Along the lines of having good communication and trust in your relationship and your partner, there are certain rules and boundaries you may need to set if you're living apart together. Nothing should be assumed and expectations should be set. Some rules or questions Dr. McMahon says that you should discuss are: When and how often will you connect? What's the physical intimacy plan? How do you handle emergencies? What happens when needs change? Guenther has some great questions to add, including: What does commitment look like? Are overnights expected or optional? How do we handle bad days when one of us wants company and the other is nesting in sweatpants? 'LAT relationships run on communication and clarity,' he explains. 'If you hate talking about feelings, this might not be your jam.'Dr. McMahon agrees, sharing that 'the biggest risk is silent accommodation—when one person is quietly unhappy.' Full transparency is a must for living apart together to work, she adds, explaining, 'If one partner's quietly suffering, the whole setup unravels."Related: How do you even know if a LAT relationship is right for you? Well, Dr. McMahon has five signs. 'You thrive on solitude.' 'You love your partner, but miss having your own space.' 'Your careers are in different cities.' 'You argue less when apart': 'If your fights vanish when you have space, LAT might be your sweet spot.' 'You feel more emotionally connected when physical space is honored.' Living apart together isn't for everyone. While you might already know it won't work for you or it doesn't seem appealing to you, here are some signs that it's not a good fit, according to Dr. McMahon. 'If one person is just going along to keep the peace.' 'One wants to keep the relationship closed and the other wants to open it up to dating other people casually.' 'If it's a way to avoid addressing big problems.' 'If either partner needs daily affection to feel secure.' 'If communication is already poor—it'll likely get worse with distance.' You've made it this far, so you might be wondering, point blank, do LAT relationships even work? Guenther says that it 'sure does' but 'for the right people''LAT isn't the backup plan for folks who 'just couldn't make living together work,'' he explains. 'It's the main plan for people who know themselves, know their needs and want connection without co-dependence. It's not easier, necessarily, but it can be way more intentional.'Dr. McMahon says that relationships can survive the shift to living apart together, and can thrive for the first time in years in some cases. 'Distance can create room to breathe—and remember why you chose each other,' she explains. 'It's not always forever, but it can be the right thing for now.'This kind of living arrangement can be an 'upgrade'—not a compromise—for some couples. 'LAT isn't about doing marriage wrong,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'It's about doing it your way. With the right intention, living apart can lead to deeper connection, fewer fights and a fresh, exciting way to love.'Again, you don't have to turn to a LAT relationship to make your partnership thrive or work. Living apart together isn't for everyone, and sometimes it's not distance that can help. 'If you're struggling to make it work? A couples retreat can help create rituals, improve communication and strengthen your bond—no moving truck required,' she Next:Dr. Kathy McMahon is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She's also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist. Jeff Guenther, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist. You might know him as TherapyJeff, which is what he goes by on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively.
