6 days ago
People Are Sharing The Dumbest People They've Ever Met
A little while back, we shared stories from Reddit's r/StoriesAboutKevin, where people share their best stories about "Kevins," i.e. people who are staggeringly unintelligent, clueless, or incompetent.
Well, members of the BuzzFeed Community chimed in with their own stories, so we rounded them up here along with some new ones from the subreddit (we also added the original post's entries at the end for good measure). Enjoy! This will make you feel smart!
"Kevin once brought soup for lunch. Not in a container. Not in a thermos. Nope, he brought it in a Ziploc bag. A floppy, sad, cold bag of soup. At lunchtime, he asked where the microwave was. We said it was broken. Kevin went, 'Oh, okay, I'll just heat it up on the stove.' We assumed he'd pour it into a pot like a normal person. We were so wrong. He literally plopped the Ziploc bag directly onto the burner. We noticed the smell of burning plastic before we saw the flames. Kevin stood there poking the bag with a spoon. He said, 'I don't get it. It worked when I did it in the fireplace that one time.' It melted, of course — soup and plastic were everywhere."
"I was in the checkout lane at TJ Maxx, and the couple in front of me were looking at last-minute items. The lady said, 'Oooh, Lemon Mint Tea! That sounds delicious.' She then examined the box and howled, 'Made in China?!' The man replied, 'China?! What do the Chinese know about tea?'"
"A friend I had in high school burned most of his hair off because he didn't realize that lighting matches and holding them near his head would do that. He wasn't injured, but you'd think he was with the amount of bitching he did about having to shave his head. When asked why he had the matches near his head in the first place, he claimed he was trying to 'hear the fire.'"
"I was going to watch Tipping the Velvet with one of my exes, and I was telling her, 'This show is British, it's from the BBC.' She very seriously replied, 'So its gonna have subtitles?'"
"I worked with a guy whose teenage son crapped in the cat's litter box to see if anyone would notice. They did, within less than 60 seconds."
"My friend, whose actual name IS Kevin, almost got shot by an armed guard at the US Capitol in 2012 because he started walking toward some door and either somehow didn't hear or didn't listen when they started yelling at him to stop. Then the NEXT DAY, he did the EXACT SAME THING when we were walking past the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building."
"When I worked at a hair salon, I had more than one Kevin/Kevina who, when scheduling their next appointment IN THE FUTURE, would ask 'Will he/she be running on time?'"
"I (29F) work the graveyard shift at a local gas station. One night, a blonde-haired Kevina comes in. She grabs a small pack of Oreos worth about $2.50 and comes up to the counter, trying to pay with a crisp one-dollar bill. She claimed she had read somewhere that one-dollar bills are actually worth four dollars. I told her that wasn't true and that I needed an additional $1.50. She kept insisting that the bill was worth four dollars and that she had enough. Eventually, she relented and scrounged up some change to pay for the Oreos. I know some older dollar bills can be valuable, but this was a brand-new, crisp one-dollar bill. There was no way it was worth more than one dollar. And honestly, even if it somehow was worth four bucks — why would you spend it at a gas station, of all places?"
"I once stopped Kevin from microwaving a can of corn. As in, an unopened can."
"My husband once wanted to make us scrambled eggs, but we didn't have milk to make them fluffier, so instead he decided that using French vanilla creamer was a good idea. It was as bad as it sounds. Later, upon retelling the story, he somehow convinced himself that I was the one who did it (I grew up in kitchens and worked in restaurants my whole life)."
"My Dad (a Kevin) once went to a hotel and decided that he really wanted to know what an elevator shaft looked like. So, he forced open the doors to an elevator while waiting in the hallway, which caused the elevator to jam. Somebody was inside. Dad was asked to leave the hotel. The kicker? The elevator shafts were made of GLASS. So yes, he forced open the doors of the elevator so he could see the shaft when the entire fucking thing was already transparent."
"This was many years ago. During a meeting, we needed a copy to be made of something, so 'Kevin' was asked to run down the hall to one of the main copiers. Kevin ambled off, but 10–15 minutes later he still wasn't back and the meeting was almost over so I went to find him. I found him standing around watching someone fix the copier. I asked him why he didn't just use a different copier around the corner. He thought it was more important to call someone to fix it and wait for them! We finally had to let him go. His response? 'Oh that's okay, I'm going to law school this fall anyway.'"
"I work for a guy whose 15-year-old stepson is the most Kevin person I've ever met. Now, I've known some dumb teenagers in my time. Hell, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Two examples: 1. He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto; 2. He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk sock. Later that day, he went to the school nurse because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock."
"I used to work part-time at a phone repair shop, and one day Kevin walked in looking like someone just told him the Earth was flat. He plopped a melted Samsung on the counter and said, 'I think my antivirus didn't work.' I ask what happened. He says he was browsing some shady website, clicked a link, and his phone 'started acting possessed.' Classic malware. I nod and tell him I can probably help if he didn't do anything drastic. Then he goes, 'Yeah, so I microwaved it for, like, 40 seconds to kill the virus. Like how hospitals sanitize stuff.' I just blinked. My coworker choked on her water. This man cooked his phone like a Hot Pocket because he thought heat would kill malware. And the best part? He wanted to claim it under WARRANTY."
"A client called our grooming shop for the price of a bath and nails. I asked her what kind of dog it was. She said, 'I don't know what it is now, but when it grows up, it's going to be a black lab.' I was dumbfounded, literally. I asked her how old it was, and she said it was three months, so I'm thinking maybe 20 lbs max, so I told her maybe $20–$25. Swear to God, the lady brings 'Red' in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry, but this is a Pomeranian, and she told me, 'Well, I know it's going to be a black lab because I have papers at home.' I pulled up pictures of labs and Poms on the computer, but I still think she believes it will be a black lab. I'm going home to drink wine."
"One of the stupidest people I've ever met was a 26-year-old male who turned up to work for me an hour and a half late the first day. He was brought in by his mum, which I thought was kind of odd for a grown man. I let that slide, but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I'd ease him into the way of the place with some small duties. I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets — a minute or so later, I heard him yelling, 'It won't fit on the toilet roll holder!' I'm like what? That's a pretty simple thing. I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him — he's carrying a roll of paper towels; it's almost three times the length of the toilet paper holder."
"My friend told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: 'That's terrible!' Him: 'Why is it terrible?' Her: 'They'll sell all the frozen ones, and then people will start killing mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they'll all be extinct!'"
"I used to work in emergency medicine. Obviously, the emergency department sees many people who've had moments of foolishness that have caused them suffering. To err is human. I would not mock such victims of mere mortal frailty. Kevin was special. Kevin arrived by car, bloodied and battered. Kevin had fallen off a ladder. Since coming to get checked out was very sensible, it's not surprising that someone else insisted. Kevin was carefully checked over, his scrapes treated, and his bones imaged. Kevin was sent home. An hour later, Kevin was back, looking rather worse for wear. The staff, concerned, questioned him closely as to what had happened this time. Kevin had fallen off the ladder again. Kevin's friend had insisted that Kevin rest rather than climb the ladder again, so Kevin was determined to prove he was perfectly fine to go up the ladder. Kevin was not fine."
"My husband owns a small plumbing business and participates in a job-readiness program with the local high school. This semester, he got a Kevin. One of Kevin's biggest jobs is to answer the phone. On his first day, he was instructed to pick up and say, 'Custom Quality Plumbing, don't forget to ask about our seasonal maintenance deal specials, how can we help you today?' Instead, he answered the business phone, 'Kevin residence, who's calling, please?' When confronted, he explained that he had forgotten the greeting and that this was how his mother had taught him to answer phones."
"When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Economics would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So, the Home Ec class was learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin was sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he ran his thumb through the feed dogs and punctured it several times. He called out to the teacher for help. She came over and asked, 'What did you do?' Kevin replied, 'I did this,' and proceeded to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb."
"Sage started dating Kevin about two years before this incident. Things seemed to be going all right between them. She told me he was a bit of a derp and sometimes incredibly oblivious. He couldn't pick up subtle cues, and even suggestions flew over his head with about a mile of airspace between his skull and the suggestion. She initially chalked it up to him being on the autism spectrum, as she has a few other friends who have similar problems picking up cues. So she switched her behavior from 'talking to neurotypical' to 'talking to neurodivergent,' and the bumps smoothed out for a while. Then the talk of taking the relationship seriously came up. Marriage. Becoming a family. And that's when the plane hit the mountain with a cartoonish bang. Kevin said he wanted to DNA test Sage's kids to ensure they were his. The kids were 5 and 3 when Sage and Kevin started dating."
"I may have married a Kevin. He initially doesn't strike you as a Kevin, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. But once he gets a notion in his head, you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher, Sister Mary Godzilla, told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed. Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam's rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed Sister may have been mistaken."
"My husband's ex wondered why planes and helicopters didn't crash into the moon."
"Kevin wanted to 'grow his own fruit' because he saw a TikTok about 'living off the land.' Respectable…until he pulled up to our local community garden with a bowl of chopped fruit. No seeds. No whole fruit. Just literal fruit salad. Mangos, bananas, grapes, and a strawberry or two diced, marinated, and probably taken from a hotel breakfast bar. He dug little holes and carefully spooned fruit chunks into the soil. Like he was planting flowers. He even watered them with pineapple juice because 'they'll grow faster if you feed them what they like.' We tried to tell him that's not how fruit works, but he insisted it would 're-form in the dirt' and 'find itself again through nature.' Bro thought fruit had a respawn point. He came back two weeks later, mad nothing sprouted, and blamed the 'vibe of the soil.'"
"My sister used to work with a lady who was a total Kevina. One day, she called out from work because she was in the hospital, on IV fluids, from dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. Poor Kevina had no idea, although I'm certain they tried hard to explain it to her at the hospital."
"In the early '90s, I knew this kid (15) whose mom asked him to vacuum the house while she was at work. Kevin didn't want to — he just wanted to sit in his room, smoke pot, and listen to music — so he hatched a brilliant plan to get out of vacuuming. He knew the vacuum left lines in the carpet when run over it, so, without plugging in the machine, he ran it over the house's carpet so that it would leave the lines. Voila! Kevin got out of his vacuuming chore!"
"One night, I got to meet this girl who my friends said was a perfect description of a 'Kevina.' We were eating some fast food (burgers and fries) when she asked, 'I really wonder what fries are made of? Flour?'"
Know a Kevin or Kevina, LOL? Let us know in the comments or by using the anonymous form below and you could be featured in a future BuzzFeed post!
