Latest news with #MichaelGervais
Yahoo
23-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
‘FOPO' is a dangerous habit most people don't realize they're partaking in — here's why experts call it a ‘hidden epidemic'
There's fear of missing out, fear of a better option — and now there's 'FOPO,' another stress-inducing acronym that stands for 'fear of people's opinions.' It's human nature to care about what other people think — but letting this fear control your day-to-day can be an incredibly damaging habit that some experts believe is a constrictor of human potential. Psychologist Michael Gervais came up with the FOPO concept — which he describes as a 'hidden epidemic' — and says that people who suffer from it 'lose faith and confidence in themselves and their performance suffers,' according to Forbes. FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost. 'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.' What he means is that more and more people are comparing themselves to others and seeking validation from the outside world — which ultimately causes someone to devalue themselves. Of course, social media — a way people seek approval from others through likes and comments — doesn't help either. 'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. Several examples can help you identify if you're living life with FOPO, according to Gervais. Pretending you watched a movie or TV show others are discussing, laughing at jokes that you don't find humor in, feeling anxious that you're taking too long to order at a cafe when there is a line behind you and not wanting to leave work before your boss does are just a few. If you're checking off the boxes, realizing you suffer from FOPO, Gervais told Forbes that the first step in combating it is to have a 'clear sense of purpose.' 'With FOPO, we develop a built-in mechanism to check outside ourselves to see if everything is okay. We give an inordinate amount of weight to what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' he said. It's all about rewiring your brain, so instead of wondering, 'What does that person think of me?' 'We can rewire that mechanism to turn inward and check against our purpose. 'Am I being true to my purpose?' becomes the new reference point rather than 'Am I being liked?'' In addition to all of these damaging effects, having FOPO is also exhausting. 'FOPO burns a lot of our internal resources,' he told Forbes. And it's another thing — among many — that can lead to burnout. 'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said in the HuffPost interview. 'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.'
New York Post
22-06-2025
- General
- New York Post
‘FOPO' is a dangerous habit most people don't realize they're partaking in — here's why experts call it a ‘hidden epidemic'
There's fear of missing out, fear of a better option — and now there's 'FOPO,' another stress-inducing acronym that stands for 'fear of people's opinions.' It's human nature to care about what other people think — but letting this fear control your day-to-day can be an incredibly damaging habit that some experts believe is a constrictor of human potential. Psychologist Michael Gervais came up with the FOPO concept — which he describes as a 'hidden epidemic' — and says that people who suffer from it 'lose faith and confidence in themselves and their performance suffers,' according to Forbes. FOPO can cause someone to have low self-esteem and self-confidence. Prostock-studio – FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost. 'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.' What he means is that more and more people are comparing themselves to others and seeking validation from the outside world — which ultimately causes someone to devalue themselves. Of course, social media — a way people seek approval from others through likes and comments — doesn't help either. 'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. Several examples can help you identify if you're living life with FOPO, according to Gervais. Experts believe most people suffer from FOPO without even realizing it. Mangostar – Pretending you watched a movie or TV show others are discussing, laughing at jokes that you don't find humor in, feeling anxious that you're taking too long to order at a cafe when there is a line behind you and not wanting to leave work before your boss does are just a few. If you're checking off the boxes, realizing you suffer from FOPO, Gervais told Forbes that the first step in combating it is to have a 'clear sense of purpose.' 'With FOPO, we develop a built-in mechanism to check outside ourselves to see if everything is okay. We give an inordinate amount of weight to what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' he said. It's all about rewiring your brain, so instead of wondering, 'What does that person think of me?' 'We can rewire that mechanism to turn inward and check against our purpose. 'Am I being true to my purpose?' becomes the new reference point rather than 'Am I being liked?'' In addition to all of these damaging effects, having FOPO is also exhausting. 'FOPO burns a lot of our internal resources,' he told Forbes. And it's another thing — among many — that can lead to burnout. 'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said in the HuffPost interview. 'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.'
Yahoo
14-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Do You Have 'FOPO'? Here's How To Spot The Damaging Habit.
If you're a human being, you've likely worried what your colleagues think of your outfit or if you said something dumb at a neighborhood barbecue. Our society centers other people's opinions, making them hard to ignore ― but the fear of them is also holding you back from your full potential, experts say. This occurrence is known as 'FOPO,' or fear of people's opinions, a concept named by psychologist Michael Gervais who also authored a book on the topic, 'The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You.' FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost. 'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.' For example, you may fall into the FOPO trap every time you panic about a text message that reads 'OK,' or you might study your friend's face for any negative reactions to a funny story. 'And the reason that we're doing that is because, long ago, our brains paired safety with belonging. If we got kicked out of the tribe ... it was a near death sentence to try to survive in the wild by oneself or even with just a handful of people,' Gervais explained. Getting 'rejected by another person now is not a near death sentence, but it still feels that way.' While Gervais coined the term, Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia, said the concept is also evident in her work with clients. 'This is just so familiar for a lot of ... immigrant families, where this concept of 'what will people think?' has just been ingrained in us for centuries.' The rise of social media is part of this too, Sagaram said. Between likes, follow requests and comments, social media is quite literally a call for external validation. 'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Sagaram said. According to Gervais, there are three aspects of FOPO: First is the anticipatory phase, which is the feelings and thoughts that race through your mind as you get ready for a social situation. 'The second phase is checking,' Gervais said. 'So, when you're actually with somebody, you're checking for the tone of their voice, the micro-expressions, their body language — and you're checking to see if you're OK as opposed to checking to really understand the content of what they're saying or the emotions behind the content of what they're saying.' (This is why, he said, we forget people's names. We are more focused on our own survival than actually listening.) 'This anticipatory phase and this checking phase are exhausting. They're very tiring. You become an expensive organism to run. This is why fatigue is such a real deal for so many of us,' he added. The third phase is known as the responding phase. 'If you're sensing that you might be rejected or you might be looked at kind of sideways ... what people end up doing is they'll shape-shift in a way to be included,' Gervais explained. This can look like laughing at jokes you don't find funny or pretending you've seen a movie everyone else is talking about so you don't seem like an outsider. If you feel seen right now, you certainly aren't alone. How many people can truly say they have no regard for other people's opinions? Probably no one. And it wouldn't be realistic to completely disregard others' opinions either, Sagaram said. 'We live in relationships, we live in communities ... we're always interacting with other people, so it's hard to fully not care about what people think, but what's important is recognizing how much you let someone's opinion impact you,' Sagaram added. So, how can you tell if you are letting another person's opinion compromise your authenticity? According to Gervais, there are many signs that you're dealing with FOPO, but here are some common examples: Checking your phone to appear important or busy — 'that's a funny little social thing to not be totally vulnerable and socially awkward,' said Gervais. Laughing at a joke you don't find funny. Drinking at a party even when you don't want to. Dealing with ordering anxiety at a cafe to make sure you get it right and don't hold up the line behind you. Staying at your job late because your boss is still there. Lying about your age at work in an industry run by younger people. Pretending you've seen a movie you've never seen. All in all, FOPO is anything you do to avoid looking dumb in front of other people or anything you do to avoid potential rejection from a group. 'Rather than focusing on our own thoughts and feelings and experience, we ruminate on what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' Gervais said. 'And then in doing that, we are looking outside of ourselves to see how we feel about ourselves.' In reality, people aren't paying attention to you nearly as much as you think. 'This idea that we feel like we're under a spotlight ... like others are looking at us, constantly judging and critiquing us, when actually, they're not as critical and judging as we think ― because they think that they're being judged and critiqued by you,' Gervais said. Nonetheless, worrying too much about others' opinions leads to following a path that isn't yours. You may chase the dreams and approval of others rather than your own desires, Gervais explained, and may spend life 'being who we think people want us to be, rather than who we actually are.' Good news: If you want to worry about other people's opinions less, the first step ― awareness ― is likely happening now. 'Just being aware of this concept, that there's a name for it ... it starts to discharge the power of their opinions, and so awareness is always the starting point for change,' Gervais said. It's also important to hone the skills needed to deal with the tough emotions that can come up when dealing with FOPO, like anxiety or nervousness. Breath work and self-talk can help center you during the moments you're feeling overwhelmed, Gervais said. If you struggle with FOPO, you can consider what you identify with, too. Most people have a performance-based identity because we live in a performance-based culture. This kind of identity is rooted in how well you do, not in who you are. 'Moving from a performance-based identity to a purpose-based identity, which is being a small part of something much larger, and being connected to that tends to alleviate the intensity of FOPO,' Gervais said. While you can certainly look online at lists of values and see which resonate with you, 'it is easy for it to get tangled up into what you think others think versus what you actually think. Or ... how we want to come off rather than what do we feel authentically,' Sagaram said. For this reason, Sagaram said, it can be helpful to do this values work with a mental health professional. They can help you sort through your own values and beliefs versus what society has told you. You can also try to determine your own values and authentic goals by following a therapist-backed exercise. 'Let's say you're in your 30s, and you're going to think back to your 20s and say, 'Oh, man, I wish I didn't really care what people thought' ... what are the things that come up for you around that?' Sagaram gave as an example. (The same can be said for being in your 40s and looking back at your 30s or being in your 50s and looking back on your 40s and so on.) This can be a good way to recognize what you're missing out on when you carry other people's expectations and opinions, she said. 'It's a good exercise to get yourself thinking ... it's not necessarily regrets, but it's just like, 'I wish I cared less about what these people thought, maybe things could have looked different or maybe I could have enjoyed that experience more,'' said Sagaram. An example of this is your body image, she added. Maybe you spent lots of time in your 20s worrying about how you looked, but when you look back at pictures, you're totally happy with your looks. This may cause you to wonder why you spent so much time caring about your looks when you could have enjoyed experiences and events instead of searching for external validation, said Sagaram. 'And now here I am, in my 30s, still fixated on how I look.' Sagaram added that having self-confidence can be a way to understand your values and, in turn, care less about people's opinions. This way, you'll believe in yourself and know that you know what's best for you, not someone else. 'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said. 'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.' There Are 5 'Stress Languages.' Here's How To Figure Out Yours. Therapists Say These 6 Common Habits Are Fueling Your Anxiety More And More People Have 'Lifestyle Fatigue.' Maybe You Do, Too.
New York Times
05-06-2025
- Health
- New York Times
An NFL player was against ‘shrink dudes.' Then he started working with one
Editor's note: This story is a part of Peak, The Athletic's desk covering leadership, personal development and success through the lens of sports. Follow Peak here. When Doug Baldwin first met the sports psychologist who would have a profound impact on his life, he was skeptical about working with him. 'Skeptical is kind of a nice way of putting it,' Baldwin said. 'I was against it.' It was 2011, and Baldwin had just joined the Seattle Seahawks as an undrafted rookie. The draft snub fed his intensity and insecurities. For years, he had used the feeling that he wasn't good enough to prove that he was. That combination had helped him reach the pros, going from an unheralded two-star prospect out of high school to Stanford's leading receiver as a senior. When he made a mistake, he dwelt on it and used it to knock his self-worth, prompting him to work even harder. Advertisement Only later, as he learned how to frame and consider his internal thoughts, did he truly understand the personal costs of that mindset. So when Baldwin met Dr. Michael Gervais, a sports psychologist that Seahawks coach Pete Carroll had brought in to work with players, he wasn't sold. Baldwin believed the way he had always carried himself was what made him a successful football player. And when Gervais walked in with his fluffy hair, polished style and frequent smile, Baldwin thought he looked like a Tom Cruise clone. A teammate in Seattle, running back Marshawn Lynch, had a name for people like Gervais: 'shrink dudes.' Yet when Gervais explained the intent of his work — to unlock the best versions of players through training their minds — and the goals it could help them achieve, Baldwin decided to give him a shot. If this is what he says it is, Baldwin thought, then why not just try it? For Gervais, that initial meeting came as he was returning to the sports world after his first attempt to work with athletes a decade earlier had frustrated him. He had earned a Ph.D in sports psychology with the belief that all athletes could benefit from his work. But he became deflated when he felt like some of his athletes didn't fully believe in the correlation between mental skills training and performance, and even more so when they didn't match his investment. So instead, he spent time at Microsoft, helping high-performers develop mental skills and playing a crucial role in the Red Bull Stratos project, where he counseled Felix Baumgartner before his record-setting skydive from 128,000 feet. In 2011, Gervais had dinner with Carroll before his second season as the Seahawks' head coach. Carroll explained that he was looking to instill a culture built around training players' minds as much as their bodies, and he assured Gervais it would be different from his previous experiences. So Gervais decided to give pro sports another chance. Advertisement The first time Gervais worked with Baldwin was during a group session about basic breathing exercises. He started the session with box breathing. Baldwin and his teammates inhaled for five seconds, paused at the top for five seconds, exhaled for five seconds, then paused at the bottom for five seconds before breathing in again. Next, they switched to down-regulation breathing: inhaling for eight seconds, pausing, exhaling for 16 seconds, then pausing again. Before the session finished, Gervais asked the group to participate in a 'gratitude meditation.' 'It's completely attuning to one thing you're grateful for,' Gervais said. Afterward, as Gervais exchanged goodbyes with players, Baldwin slowly made his way to the front of the room. Gervais wasn't sure what Baldwin was going to say. When they were face to face, Baldwin just stood there, grinning and nodding his head up and down. 'OK,' Baldwin finally said. 'Yep. OK.' Gervais didn't have to say anything back. 'I knew and he knew what that stood for,' Gervais said. 'OK, I just went somewhere. I just felt something.' Baldwin's work with Gervais came at a time when athletes across sports started to more publicly consider their mental health and how it influenced their performance. Baldwin felt the stigma against showing signs of vulnerability. However, the revolution has continued and has changed how athletes discuss their struggles, with many more publicly acknowledging the ways they are seeking help. 'Being able to do that opened up a whole different realm for me,' Baldwin said. The first breath-work session had been a 'gate opener,' the first time that he felt like he could control his intense emotions. 'My body had never felt that type of stillness and that type of relaxation,' he said. Still, Baldwin's skepticism didn't vanish overnight. Gervais chipped away at it by painting a picture. As thoughts came into his mind, Gervais suggested viewing them as clouds: Just like a cloud, the thought is here right now, but it's simply passing through the sky. Just because a thought existed didn't mean Baldwin needed to have judgment of it. It's not a bad thought or a good thought. It's just a thought. And it floats by just as a cloud does. Advertisement He also connected with Baldwin on a personal level. It wasn't unusual for their check-ins to turn into hours-long conversations, or for shared meals in the lunchroom to extend into a long walk-and-talk session to practice. 'It was basically counseling sessions,' Baldwin said. 'It was about finding a deeper understanding of myself and what I'm capable of.' Gervais helped Baldwin understand his intense emotions and energy with an analogy: 'It's like you're trying to dictate which way a herd of mustangs is going. You're not going to be able to do that. What you can try to do is try to guide them in the general direction that you want to go.' Baldwin gained a deeper understanding of himself and his thought processes. Conversations with Gervais helped Baldwin connect many aspects of his mindset to the difficulties of his childhood and his insecurities, which gave him the awareness to make adjustments. By getting to the source and working to improve his thoughts, he began to see his relationships and life off the field improve as well. Baldwin began breath work twice a day, and the physical and mental benefits surprised him. He could stay calm under pressure moments on the football field, but he also felt more peaceful and relaxed in his regular life. Gervais helped him establish a pre-performance routine, a pregame routine and a pre-snap routine. Most importantly, from Gervais' perspective, each part of every routine put Baldwin in control. Baldwin could not control scoring touchdowns, for example, but he could control the way he caught the ball or moved his feet. This, Gervais explained, allowed Baldwin to 'put himself in the best position to be himself.' The purpose was to master how to stay calm under stress, generate confidence, envision performance excellence, let go of mistakes and be a better teammate. Advertisement 'Thoughts drive actions,' Gervais said. 'Thoughts impact emotions. Thoughts and emotions together impact behavior. And thoughts, emotions and behavior stacked up is what creates performance.' Baldwin incorporated visualization into his routine. He would imagine himself making specific plays to convince his mind that the moment had already happened — another way to give himself a sense of control. Baldwin's insecurity-fueled drive didn't disappear. He was always one of the Seahawks' most prepared players. He studied film for hours and prioritized going into games, confident that he had done everything to give himself the best chance to be successful. Still … 'No matter how hard you prepare,' Baldwin said, 'there's always something that comes up that you weren't prepared for or makes you question your preparation.' That's where the work with Gervais kicked in. During a big playoff game, Baldwin's heart pounded so rapidly that he began to feel anxious. 'Just get grounded,' he told himself. 'Get grounded.' As he pressed his thumbs to each of his fingertips, he continued to take deep breaths, reminding himself of where he was and the techniques he had learned from Gervais. 'I'm in control of my body, I'm connected to it,' he recited. Then the game started and Baldwin began to feel like himself. His training with Gervais didn't always yield immediate results. In 2016, when the Seahawks played the Green Bay Packers, Baldwin struggled. Nothing he tried was successful. He couldn't bring himself to be balanced and grounded. But he didn't give up. 'It's consistency and discipline with it, but then also persevering through those times where it may feel like it's not working,' he said. That paid off in a major way that year, when he had the most catches and most receiving yards of his career and made his first Pro Bowl. Advertisement 'It's somewhat similar to a muscle,' Baldwin said. 'You have to work it out in order to strengthen it, and there are going to be times where it fails because that's the only way that it grows and gets stronger.' After big games that season, he sat on the sideline and thought: Damn. He didn't feel tired; everything felt effortless. As his work with Gervais continued, Baldwin noticed changes off the field. He felt more confident and reliable as a friend, husband, brother and son. Baldwin retired at 30 after the 2018 season. He wanted to ensure that the adverse side effects of his many years playing football did not interfere with his kids and family. He and his wife, Tara, have three daughters, and he feeds his competitive side with pickup basketball games. Without football, he finds himself occasionally tempted to fall back into old habits because deep down they still feel safer to him, and more familiar. But he still relies on the blueprint Gervais gave him years ago to catch himself. On his phone, he has one of Gervais' guided meditation recordings. When he wakes up some mornings, he does breathing exercises and visualizes how his day is going to go — the same tools he used to catch passes and score touchdowns. 'And that's been profound in my life,' Baldwin said. Elise Devlin is a writer for Peak. She last wrote about the best ways to coach youth sports. Follow Peak here. (Illustration: Dan Goldfarb / The Athletic; Otto Greule Jr / Getty Images)
