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CNA
05-07-2025
- General
- CNA
'Things were not the same anymore': After one partner cheats, can a relationship truly be saved?
Mr and Mrs Tan (not their real names) had been married for about five years when she started receiving messages from an unknown individual in early 2024 detailing an affair that he was having with his colleague. When she confronted her husband about it shortly after, he admitted to it. Mrs Tan, 37, a manager at a corporate firm, said: 'The first reaction was shock ... Following that, there was resentment, anger and sadness that we have lost a part of our relationship. Things were not the same anymore." She had never once doubted him even though he often stayed out late drinking. She had believed that her husband, who is manager at another corporate firm, just needed to relieve stress. For Mr Tan, 35, the extramarital affair was a form of escapism. He struggled with negative feelings and couldn't bring himself to discuss them with his wife, instead resorting to alcohol. This led to him turning to another woman to satisfy his physical needs in an affair that lasted over a year. Relationship counsellors told CNA TODAY that infidelity is rather common among married couples, be it emotional, physical or online cheating. Yet, couples can find it too painful or shameful to discuss the affairs openly, even if they want to fix their relationship. This begs the question – can a relationship survive infidelity? When is it worth mending the relationship and when is it better to call it quits? DISTANCE LEADS TO INFIDELITY In truth, adultery is rarely a hasty act. Experts said that it often starts from a gradual breakdown in a couple's relationship after trust and emotional closeness are weakened. Associate counsellor Beverly Foo from The Lighthouse Counselling, which provides couples' therapy and marriage counselling among other services, said that Singapore couples often juggle high-pressure careers and childcare responsibilities. With so many demands on their time and energy, couple time is usually the first thing sacrificed. As intimacy wanes, the relationship can then start to feel like a source of stress instead of support. 'As that distance grows, one or both partners may begin to invest less in the relationship," Ms Foo added. "Resentment builds, appreciation fades and attention shifts to what is lacking rather than what is present." As one or both parties begin to feel more emotionally neglected or vulnerable, boundaries with other people may start to blur. A connection with someone outside the relationship can feel rewarding. Over time, the person may permit themselves to cross a line. Relationship coach Winifred Ling from mental health clinic Promises Healthcare said that often, the workplace is the most convenient and accessible environment for this to happen. "Initially, (casual) encounters might seem harmless but once a boundary is crossed, it becomes easier to deceive and lie," she added. Ms Tammy Fontana, relationship counsellor at All in the Family Counselling Centre, stressed that infidelity is not always about an individual's moral failings and can often be a symptom of underlying issues within the relationship. It can also stem from a lack of emotional development and maturity, or mental health challenges such as depression, unresolved trauma or addiction issues. Additionally, the experts said that societal stigma often discourages couples from speaking openly about infidelity, a topic that's still widely considered to be taboo or shameful. This certainly rings true for Mr and Mrs Tan, who have not disclosed their difficulties to anyone outside of their immediate families and the reason why they did not want to be identified for this interview. Couples therapist Lieu An An from therapy provider The Psychology Atelier said that Singapore's strong emphasis on family stability and social image could play a part in pressuring couples to 'keep things together' even after such a betrayal. Relationship coach Winny Lu Aldridge from Just2Hearts Counselling said that cultural beliefs and values can also make many couples reluctant to "air dirty laundry in public", leading them to struggle in isolation. This may also mean that they do not receive the support and guidance they need, which can in turn worsen the emotional damage. WHEN IS THE RELATIONSHIP WORTH SAVING? When one partner cheats, does that automatically spell the end of the relationship? Not quite, the experts said. Many practical concerns can affect how individuals and couples weigh this dilemma – for instance, if young children are involved or if one spouse is financially dependent on the other. However, what often determines the outcome is not the nature of the betrayal itself, but rather how both partners respond afterwards. Ms Foo said: "If the unfaithful partner takes full responsibility, ends the affair completely and demonstrates genuine remorse – not just in words but through consistent and trustworthy actions – there is often a foundation to rebuild upon." Likewise, the betrayed partner needs to feel emotionally safe enough to stay open to the healing process, she added. This was the case for Mr and Mrs Tan. She eventually decided to give him another chance on account of their two young children, but also because Mr Tan took responsibility for his misdeeds by apologising sincerely, ending the affair and seeking her forgiveness, even cutting off communication with the other woman. 'Without any of these factors, I think it would be hard for us to move on,' Mrs Tan said. Even in the wake of an affair, the couple may still share a strong emotional connection, history or mutual respect, Mrs Aldridge from Just2Hearts Counselling said. If the unfaithful partner takes full responsibility, ends the affair completely and demonstrates genuine remorse – not just in words but through consistent and trustworthy actions – there is often a foundation to rebuild upon. However, some individuals may feel that staying with their partner after such a betrayal would compromise their emotional integrity or core values, Ms Foo said. One such person is Ms Willynn Ng, 37, who divorced her husband after he cheated on her twice. The regional head of a dating application said: 'There comes a point when you've given someone chance after chance and they make it painfully clear that they love themselves more than they ever loved you. 'When they repeatedly prioritise their own desires over your mental and emotional well-being, you realise that the only person left to choose you is you.' Ms Ng also asked herself what staying with her unfaithful spouse would signal to her four children. Would she be "normalising" the notion of betrayal in close relationships for them? "That's a legacy I refuse to leave behind." The betrayed parties may be more inclined to separate if they are financially independent or if they already have strong social and family support outside of their partners, Mrs Aldridge said. There is often no single deciding factor outweighing all else, but Ms Ling from Promises Healthcare believes that splitting up can be the best option when conflict between a couple is negatively affecting their children or when only one partner is still invested in making the relationship work. THE LONG JOURNEY TO HEALING How, then, can a broken relationship ever truly be healed? At the outset, the immediate priority should be allowing intense emotions such as anger and hurt to settle, Ms Lieu from The Psychology Atelier said. It could be good for couples to agree upon a short break from each other – even a few hours of space helps to prevent negative escalation. Major decisions such as separation or retaliation should be held off until emotions have cooled. To provide some stability during this emotional upheaval, the couple could also ask trusted family or friends to help with household duties such as childcare, Mrs Aldridge recommended. The next step: transparent conversations between the couple, which might take place over a few sessions. Both partners should be prepared to express feelings and needs that may have gone unattended for a long time, Ms Lieu said. In particular, the cheating partner has to be ready and willing to answer questions honestly. Such conversations can easily become confrontational and heated, so it is important to pace this process. In navigating this stage, couples should also consider reaching out for community support from loved ones or even professional help, as Mr and Mrs Tan did in seeking out a relationship counsellor. 'A trained couples therapist could be very helpful to add structure to talk about tricky topics,' Ms Lieu added. Finally, both partners need to commit to re-establishing trust. This involves negotiating clearer boundaries and reaffirming the shared values at the core of their relationship, Ms Lieu said. For instance, the unfaithful partner could proactively provide access to their personal devices and social media accounts for transparency, Ms Ling suggested. They should also take care to be responsive to their spouse and to avoid keeping secrets or telling lies, even small ones. In the case of Mr Tan, upon ending his affair, he made concerted efforts to change behaviours that had previously led their relationship to harm. Whenever he went out, he would limit himself to two drinks, update his wife on his location and return home by 10pm if she requested it of him. He also began setting aside time to check on his wife's emotional well-being or needs every day. He said it has helped the couple to create a consistent space for open sharing, where they feel safe to "voice out any negative feelings". Partners should not expect each other to "move on quickly", Ms Ling warned. Instead, it is important for the cheating partner to validate the hurt they caused their partner, express remorse and sit with the discomfort. Be careful not to lose patience, but to allow each other to grieve and process, the relationship coach advised. The unfaithful partner could also initiate activities that allow the couple to create new memories together. Persist in these efforts even if the hurt partner initially rejects them – not to badger them, but to show sincerity. More importantly, couples should not force or expect the relationship to revert to how it was before. 'Sustainable healing means collaborating to create a new normal marked by clearer agreements, richer communication and deeper emotional honesty," Ms Lieu said. 'Many couples might report feeling a more nuanced and enriched emotional connection ultimately – not because of the affair itself, but because of the intentional work that followed it.' Mr and Mrs Tan certainly agreed. Now, more than a year after their mutual decision to salvage their marriage, they said that their reforged relationship is stronger than ever. She said: 'In the past, when we spent time (together) as a family, he was always on the phone, thinking about something else. You could sense that he didn't really want to be there. 'Now, you can tell that he's truly present. His phone is aside. He's playing with the kids. He sees me differently and is more appreciative of the little things that I do." Mr Tan said that overcoming that challenging period together means that the family now feels more confident and able to confront whatever is thrown at them in future.
CNA
16-05-2025
- General
- CNA
NEA's anti-subletting rule 'fair and effective' but some hawkers wish for greater flexibility
For several months now, Mr Tan has been serving plates of fried hokkien mee to customers at a food centre in central Singapore as though he is a seasoned veteran. However, discerning regulars who patronise the stall might notice a change in taste, because their noodles used to be prepared by a woman. As it turns out, Mr Tan is not the stallholder. The stall belongs to the woman, who is in her 70s. She was ill and has not been mobile. Mr Tan said in Mandarin that she does not have the strength to run the stall by herself for the time being. 'I'm temporarily helping her, we'll monitor what her health is like first. 'If she gets better, then she can probably return to work but just come a bit later in the day.' Yet, Mr Tan is aware that by helping out his friend for such a lengthy period of time, it is technically breaching a rule in his friend's tenancy agreement with the National Environment Agency (NEA) that requires stallholders to personally operate their stalls. Aimed at preventing stallholders from subletting their stalls to others by mandating the physical presence of the registered owner, the regulation ultimately prevents rents and food prices from hiking and allows enterprising hawkers to enter the industry fairly. NEA's long-standing rule became the subject of controversy earlier this year after one owner of a nasi lemak stall took to Facebook to rail against it, after his pregnant wife – the registered owner – was warned for failing to be physically present at her stall in Yishun. In this case, the stall owner adopted a franchise model, operating at least 26 stalls around Singapore, including in malls and privately run food centres. Dr Koh Poh Koon, Senior Minister of State for Sustainability and the Environment, said in a Facebook post in March that NEA identified and warned more than 230 stalls last year because they were not personally manned by owners. Of these, 30 were issued with notices to terminate their tenancies when they did not heed the warnings. From these warnings and notices, more than 100 stalls terminated their tenancies, while the rest were able to continue operations because they had given valid reasons for their absence. With around half of the hawkers who were warned by NEA ultimately let off the hook because they were found to have genuine reasons, CNA TODAY visited eight hawker centres to find out how stallholders – particularly those who do not operate franchise chains – are coping with this rule. Most agreed that such a rule is effective in deterring subletters and preventing large franchise chains from dominating NEA-run hawker centres, but there were also older stallholders who said that the rule was forcing them out of the trade. Anecdotally, many ageing stallholders still relied on hired assistants to run the majority of the business, sometimes for the whole day. Their reasons include circumstances that are beyond their control, such as illness, fatigue, or suddenly having to pick up supplies. For some, it meant having to explain their absences to NEA officers who carry out regular inspections. A few hawkers said they would even work through sickness and poor health in order to not put their businesses at risk of closure. At present, NEA has said it 'appreciates' the challenges that hawkers face in balancing their personal circumstances with business operations. Flexibility is given when there are medical reasons, for example, which lead to hawkers not being able to operate their stalls temporarily. Stallholders may also choose to appoint a joint operator or a nominee to help operate the stall during that period of absence, though they would still need to man their stalls for a period of time. And in the event that the stall has to close for valid reasons, NEA may offer rental waivers, too. Despite the leeway already granted by the authorities, two experts who spoke to CNA TODAY said that there was a need for greater flexibility. They raised suggestions such as allowing stall assistants to "hold the fort" temporarily, as well as vacation days for hawkers. Dr Lily Kong, president of Singapore Management University (SMU) who researches urban infrastructure and also co-wrote a paper on hawker culture, said: 'The desire to prevent subletting is understandable. However, the manner in which it is effected requires rethinking.' WHY THE ANTI-SUBLETTING RULE EXISTS Hawker stalls are meant to provide Singaporeans with the opportunity to start and run a small food business, which is why stallholders are required to personally operate their stalls, the authorities have stated previously. Explaining the rationale behind such a rule, Dr Koh Poh Koon, Senior Minister of State for Sustainability and the Environment, said in parliament that it exists to prevent subletting. 'If this requirement is not imposed, the tenant who has successfully bid for the stall could potentially sublet the stall and collect the difference in rent. It may encourage persons to bid for a stall without an intention to run a stall but only to sublet it,' he said. Should the tenant be unable to operate the stall, the tenant is then expected to return the stall to NEA, allowing other new hawkers a fair chance to enter the trade. Dr Koh was responding to a parliamentary question filed by Holland-Bukit Timah Group Representation Constituency MP Edward Chia after a Yishun stallholder questioned the anti-subletting rule earlier this year. The hawker, Mr Noorman Mubarak, had complained in a Feb 18 Facebook post that he was forced to make his heavily pregnant wife tend their nasi lemak stall at Yishun Park Hawker Centre. The stall is registered under his wife's name. The stall, Nasi Lemak Ayam Taliwang, is part of the couple's chain of more than 20 stores across Singapore, including in hawker centres managed by the National Environment Agency (NEA), malls and privately run eateries. In a Facebook post following the parliamentary debate, Dr Koh said that many people have given feedback to him to support the government's policy and called for NEA to take firm action against subletters. 'Requiring stallholders to physically operate their stalls remains the most practical and fair way of preventing subletting and ensuring that hawker stalls are not misused for rent-seeking motives,' he said. Nevertheless, Dr Koh highlighted the challenges that NEA officers face when detecting subletting, stating that the approach 'isn't always straightforward'. 'Subletting is done under the table ... NEA has to conduct thorough investigations to uncover and substantiate such cases. This may include collecting documentary and photo evidence, conducting interviews with hawkers and relevant parties, as well as repeated checks over a period of time, before taking action against errant stallholders.' In response to queries, NEA directed CNA TODAY to publicly available information on what hawkers can or cannot do. Those who wish to expand their businesses can do so by holding up to two cooked food stalls in hawker centres, provided they are able to divide their time and operate the stalls personally. Hawkers have also made use of other arrangements to grow their businesses, such as taking on more stalls at hawker centres with their family members as stallholders. To this, NEA has said it 'appreciates' the challenges that hawkers face in balancing their personal circumstances with business operations. If hawkers are temporarily unable to operate their stalls – due to medical reasons, for example – the authority has exercised flexibility in these cases. The stallholder may appoint a joint operator or a nominee to operate the stall during that period of absence. Both the stallholder and the joint operator are each required to personally operate the stall for at least four hours each business day, and their operation hours cannot overlap. In the event that the stall has to shut for a period of time, NEA may offer rental waivers to the stallholder. These rules only apply to tenancy agreements for stallholders in NEA-managed hawker centres. FALLING SICK, FEELING FATIGUED Many hawkers who spoke to CNA TODAY said that the NEA rule was an effective deterrent to those thinking of subletting their stalls. Mr Lew Yew Liang, 55, who owns Shan Zhong Bao Herbal Soup at Berseh Food Centre, said the anti-subletting rule has been in place for many years and he has had no issues abiding by it. 'The rule is fair. Our rent is already very cheap compared to coffee shops. By all means, people can rent at coffee shops,' he said. However, to Mr Tan, the fried hokkien mee assistant helping his friend, the requirement to personally man the stall makes the trade unsustainable for older hawkers. 'Some people will not be able to carry on with the business at all,' he said. He also said he was ready to explain to the authorities why his friend was unable to tend the stall if approached by officers. 'NEA has to understand that hawkers are old. Even though their heart is there, they don't have the strength to stand there for eight hours.' He did not state if she had considered appointing him as a joint operator, though the rules stipulate that even if she did, she would need to be physically present at the stall for four hours. In any case, Mr Tan said she cannot bear to give up her stall completely, because it would mean the loss of her only source of income. That was why she paid Mr Tan to work as her assistant and take over operations until her condition improved. The stall's earnings still mainly go to her, but Mr Tan receives a portion of it for his help. Others said that they tapped relatives to share the load and to make sure that the business remained sustainable. A 66-year-old owner of Choon Hwa Coffee Stall in MacPherson, who declined to give her name, said that because she has high blood pressure and gets tired easily, her relatives help out on most mornings and afternoons, while she tends the stall in the evening. She recounted how an NEA officer once approached her to find out why she was not at the stall. She replied that it was 'tough' for elderly people to man their stalls for hours on end and asked the officer to try a day of her work. Another hawker said that she did not qualify for rental waivers when she fell sick last year, because her medical certificates did not cover her for a continuous period of one month. Madam Jeanette Koh, 59, who operates a rojak store at Circuit Road Food Centre, said her absence at the stall also led to enquiries from NEA officers. 'NEA says if you can't do it, then just return the stall to it. But if we return the stall (to NEA), then who will give us work? We don't have credentials, who will hire us?' One hawker who operates a stall at Toa Payoh Lorong 8 Market and Hawker Centre that sells ayam penyet (a fried chicken dish), said he was coughing for eight days, but he continued to work with a mask on in order to comply with NEA's anti-subletting rule. This was because he could not allow his assistants to work on his behalf while he was absent, he said. He declined to be named. TO MAKE ENDS MEET For similar reasons, it will also be difficult for him to leave Singapore for any Haj pilgrimages in future, because closing his stall when he is away means lost earnings. This was a sentiment echoed by a few hawkers who feared losing potential earnings because they could not keep their stalls open with help from hired assistants while they rested at home. For Ms Joanne Lee, 52, the owner of Fu He Turtle Soup at Berseh Food Centre, the requirement prevents her from extending her operating hours beyond 7pm to capture the supper crowd and earn more for her business. 'If I always have to be here all the time, it is difficult to sustain operations in the long run.' Mr Melvin Chew, who owns the Jin Ji Teochew Braised Duck & Kway Chap stall at Chinatown Complex, said he worries for the future generation of hawkers since young people these days value work-life balance. 'In the past, old hawkers had no life. They simply worked every day and missed the time they had with their children,' the 47-year-old added. 'But nowadays, people feel that they should cherish the moment. So if they have to be at the stall every day from a certain time to a certain time, they have no freedom to spend time with their children or think about starting a family.' He also said that if Singapore wants hawker culture to remain, then it has to provide younger hawkers with confidence that they can establish a branding for themselves and their businesses. Not all agree, though. There were some hawkers, such as Mr Eddy Leck, who told CNA TODAY that it was possible to find that balance despite the long hours as a hawker. For example, if there are no customers, there is no need for the stallholder to be present to work long hours. The hawker could close the stall and come back later when the crowds are back. The 49-year-old owner of Soon Heng Coffee Stall at Circuit Road Food Centre said: "I have no difficulties being here all the time. We are making a living, of course we have to be here. We're doing business.' LIMITED EXPANSION OPPORTUNITIES At the end of the day, hawker centres are designed to provide opportunities for hawkers to directly operate their own small food businesses, which is why corporates cannot bid directly for hawker stalls. Some leeway is given for expansion opportunities. NEA's current rules allow individuals to hold a maximum of two cooked food stalls in hawker centres, provided they are able to divide their time and operate the stalls personally. In reality, executing this is difficult, some hawkers said. Ms Li Ruifang, 41, recalled how her father gave up his prawn noodle stall at Whampoa Food Centre to help her find her footing in the food-and-beverage industry when she decided to start her own stall. The earnings from his stall had put food on the table for her family since the 1970s. Originally, her father Lee Wong Leong, 75, wanted to retain ownership of his original stall and allow his sister to operate it, while he would head to Ms Li's stall in Tekka Centre to help out full-time. For a time, this was an ideal arrangement for them. Mr Lee's earnings from Whampoa allowed him to keep a stable income, his daughter gets to learn directly from an experienced hand, and his sister gets to help out in the family business. Then, NEA found out about the arrangement in 2014, and because Mr Lee could not divide his time commuting between the two stalls due to his age, he turned over ownership of his Whampoa stall to his sister. Ms Li said of her father's sacrifice: 'I do feel very grateful for how he gave up his stall to come over to Tekka to help me out. If not for him, I believe it would have taken a longer time for me to get into the rhythm of helming the stall.' "MORE FLEXIBILITY NEEDED" Acknowledging the effectiveness of NEA's rule against subletting, experts on hawker culture said it would be difficult to remove such a regulation without hurting the industry as a whole. Doing so would also risk 'unintended misuse' by hawkers, Mr Ryan Kueh said. He is the author of From Street to Stalls, a book about the history and evolution of Singapore's hawker culture. Without such a rule, it would inadvertently give rise to subletting, allowing people to exploit public subsidies for personal profit by turning stalls into rental assets. 'We first need to consider its underlying principle – preventing the misappropriation of a public good for profiteering,' he said. On the other hand, there could be 'some flexibility for elderly hawkers or those facing genuine difficulties', he added. On this point, Dr Kong from SMU had some suggestions for the authorities to consider. For example, there may be provisions for workers to take vacation leave in ways that do not affect their income. 'It is not unreasonable to have some provision for 'locums' to stand in occasionally for hawkers or for helpers to hold the fort for periods of time,' Dr Kong said. Mr Kueh lauded NEA's recent policy to allow hawkers to hire assistants holding long-term visit passes, which helps to ease workloads. Previously, only Singapore citizens and permanent residents could work as stall assistants in hawker centres managed by NEA and its appointed operators. Hawkers could also hire their spouses who have these visit passes. The policy was relaxed from Jan 1 to allow hawkers to hire any of these pass holders who have been approved to work here. Beyond policy, Mr Kueh said more must be done to boost the attractiveness of the industry to young entrants. 'The larger issue is our outdated expectations of hawkers – expecting stalls to be open excessively for long hours or to sell food at very low prices – and the second-order effects they create,' he added. 'These expectations pressure hawkers to offer food at low costs and in turn receive low (profit) margins, endure excessively long working hours and remain trapped in a cycle of working more to sustain sufficient income.'
