a day ago
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- The National
Amelia Rodger on 10 things that changed her life
1. Books
WHICH fictional character would play me in the movie of my life? Matilda Wormwood. I luckily have loving parents and siblings and the worst punishment at my primary school was losing Golden Time but there is one thing me and Matilda share and that's our love of books.
I love nothing more than getting lost in a story. Books are and have always been a source of solace and inspiration. Every weekend my dad would take me to Waterstones and buy me a new book, showing me the endless possibilities that awaited me when I grew up. Books are what fuelled my imagination and taught me different perspectives, what got me interested in people and the human condition.
2. Getting ill at 15 and subsequently having to leave high school unable to sit my exams
I MANAGED to get an A in my Higher English but that was all. While at the time it was a huge embarrassment to me, getting ill, navigating a chronic condition and all the symptoms that come with that, it definitely put me on a path that had I achieved my predicted grades I would not have gone down. I remember sitting in my guidance teacher's office knowing I would not be leaving to go to uni and feeling like my life was over.
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Staying at home and going to college to get my Highers was just something I didn't want to do. I've always been impatient and maybe not the most methodical person. She asked what I liked and I replied 'drama but I can't go and study that'. She got a list of colleges up where entry was audition-based not grades-based and that was that.
3. Moving out at 17
AT 17, I moved to Edinburgh to study at Performing Arts Studio Scotland. I am the youngest of three, I have two older brothers who I have always idolised and who have always gone before me and figured out the hard things so I didn't have to but I was the first to leave our family home.
(Image: Peter Cord)
I was your typical student, living off alcohol, Wispas and prawn cocktail crisps – the most cooking I did was making scrambled egg on avocado toast. But I felt I was playing catch up with everyone around me. Those last two years of high school, being isolated and out of social situations had left me with quite a bit of anxiety. I feel like I was playing at being an adult during my years in Edinburgh. My maturity levels were not where they are today and I used alcohol as an unhealthy crutch. I just wanted to have fun but I wasn't aware of how much unattended stress was manifesting; very on-brand for me.
It seems to take things falling apart for me to understand deeper parts of myself. I'd say Edinburgh was very formative for me. It's where life started for me, everything I'd read that happens when you move away and become independent happened, good and bad.
4. Supportive parents
I THOUGHT everyone's parents were their biggest supporters but that's sadly not always the case and I really lucked out with mine. They come from arty parents themselves and value creativity. I have never had to choose between acting and a 'real' career. In fact, in the middle of a financial blip at the start of this year, I said to my dad, 'I need to get real now, the world isn't built on dreams' and he said, 'maybe not but they're important.'
My parents raised us in a home filled with love and imagination; where me and my brothers were encouraged to be curious, ask questions and explore. Their unwavering support throughout my life and all the silly mistakes I've made have allowed me to grow and learn in the most non-judgemental environment. They believe in me so hard, I have this feeling that even if things don't work out how I want or envisioned it'll be OK, because they've got my back. Always.
5. Therapy
I'VE suffered with my mental health since I was a kid and had already been to two therapists by the time I met Grant, but this time was different.
He really listened and helped me heal from a set of very traumatic experiences and allowed me to rebuild my self-confidence. He showed me I can be my own support system and he really helped me get back on my feet.
It was also during my therapy sessions with Grant that I first learned about OCD and the fact that I most likely was suffering from it.
6. Moving to London
AT 21, I moved down to London to train with the National Youth Theatre on their social inclusion course Playing Up. This was the first time I really pushed myself to be who I wanted to be. I felt I had shed all the shame from my teenage years and that I was ready for this new chapter. I owe London so much. It changed me and shaped me and taught me a lot of life lessons.
London is where I met two of my best friends. Making friends as an adult can always feel slightly daunting but we three just clicked; there is genuinely nothing but love, support and understanding. It's where I felt I met my people, my best friends, other like-minded actors, my acting mentors – I felt at peace with myself for the first time. London taught me resilience and that rejections and knockbacks are not concrete messages to give up and go home; although I did end up moving home to Scotland, I can now see it wasn't from defeat but maybe more that London had given me everything I needed for the next chapter.
7. Being officially diagnosed with OCD
I'VE had OCD since I was eight, suspected I had it from about 20 and was officially diagnosed when I was 25. OCD is hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
My relationship with this condition is very complicated and it's not the easiest thing to write about but I want to write about it because it massively impacts who I am and my day-to-day, down to the second. It is severely misunderstood and misrepresented and I hope one day I have a platform that I can share more about it.
That I can add my voice to the conversation and shed light on this debilitating and heavily stigmatised condition. But for now I will just say this – educate yourselves. If you think OCD is a quirky personality trait or it's just about cleanliness, you have much to learn and I implore that you do.
8. Jason's Sourdough Ciabattin
WITH butter and a bit of flaky sea salt. Yes, I salt my salted butter. Try it. It'll change your life too.
9. Being the lead in PALS
FOR the last four years, I've auditioned for various drama schools and for the last four years, I've been waitlisted or shortlisted at various drama schools but have never secured a place. I thought this meant I was a terrible actor and I should give up, a year ago I almost did. When I saw Mirren Wilson and Hig Pig Productions were casting for their Fringe show PALS, I submitted a self-tape and forgot all about it; I've learnt to try and not get my hopes up.
I screamed when I got the email telling me they'd cast me as Sadie. I will forever be grateful to Mirren and Tanya for casting me, they took a chance on me and gave me the opportunity to be on stage for 24 consecutive days. I got to meet some great people, share a stage with them for a whole month, and be paid to act. I don't think I ever lost my impostor syndrome but their belief in me to trust me with this character and this story made me think, maybe I do have something.
Maybe it's not my time to give up. Sometimes it takes someone else believing in you for you to believe in yourself, I guess the girls are a bit like my parents in that way.
10. Writing Jumper Bumps
I ACTUALLY wrote the first draft of Jumper Bumps when I was still living in London and didn't touch it for a few years. So maybe it's more the process of taking Jumper Bumps to the Fringe that's changed my life.
I don't think I have ever felt more scared, stressed or exposed in my life. It's a deeply personal play. It's my story in a lot of ways and I didn't think I'd want to share that on a public platform but what I'm trying to do with Jumper Bumps is break down the shame and stigma surrounding the themes depicted in the play.
Opening conversations to taboo subjects is something I'm extremely passionate about. Shame thrives off silence and I don't want to be quiet anymore.
Sharing yourself in any capacity is scary and putting yourself out there in a creative way is maybe even more so but I've lived a lot of my life not doing things out of fear and that voice in my head telling me it's safer to stay small and stay unseen.
Jumper Bumps is about championing female voices and their autonomy and it's forcing me to do that for myself.
Amelia's debut play Jumper Bumps will premiere at the Edinburgh Fringe with a run at Gilded Balloon Appleton Tower, 16:20 Wednesday, July 30 to Sunday, August 24
