09-07-2025
Roisin Gorman: I know what's behind the 5G mast attacks – a tinfoil hat shortage
The anti-5G world is an irony-free zone where information is shared online
A shortage of tinfoil hats is thought to be behind the recent spate of attacks on 5G masts.
Seventeen of the masts have now been set on fire, mostly in Belfast, leading to a loss of phone signal for local people.
The masts have also been graffitied by the anti-5G brigade with 'open your eyes' and claims of danger from radiation. But at least it got them out of their mummy's house for a few hours.
If you've stood next to a microwave or turned on a lightbulb you've been exposed to an equivalent dose of radiation according to the experts, but what would they know?
The professionals who have studied this stuff, probably lizard-people, insist the masts emit non-ionising radiation, which is not the type that harms DNA.
But anyone who leans toward the expert view is known as 'sheeple' by the conspiracy nuts because it's important to insult your audience and deprive them of a vital service.
That's how you win people round to your way of thinking.
The rollout of 5G masts started at around the same time as Covid, so they were immediately blamed for the virus. Yes, and in summer ice cream sales and shark attacks increase, so the sharks are after your Cornetto.
The Covid theory, and we're using the word very loosely, was that 5G weakened the immune system and made us more vulnerable to the virus. The same people said much the same thing about 3G, 4G and WiFi, and possibly the invention of the wheel, and we're all still stubbornly alive.
The competing theory was that the masts actively spread the virus, having somehow developed the ability to sneeze and not wash their hands.
But your bog standard logic is the enemy of the conspiracy experts, possibly the same people who talked about R numbers during the pandemic while struggling to count to five on one hand.
A quick trip down one online rabbit hole this week uncovered the theory that 5G is part of Project Blue Beam, a 30-year-old idea about subjugating the human race with a fake alien invasion. The aliens took one look at Mark Zuckerberg and thought the invasion had already happened.
And clearly the anti-5G world is an irony-free zone where information is shared online, largely via your phone, which depends on a phone signal and WiFi.
It's one thing to sit at home in your pants and spread whatever madness takes your fancy. The most rabid Covid conspiracy theorist I know missed the pandemic so much he's now become a Flat Earther.
When you're seriously affecting basic services like a phone signal, the line between online disciple and real-life destruction has been crossed.
If they keep it up we'll send David Icke round.
