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The Star
07-07-2025
- Health
- The Star
Sunny Side Up: How do we find genuine happiness?
Last month I was on radio discussing whether our pursuit of happiness might backfire, leaving us less content instead of bringing the fulfilment we expect. If we see happiness as a fleeting emotion, then the constant pursuit of any single feeling becomes problematic. Studies suggest people in elevated moods can actually become less cautious, more impulsive, and more prone to errors in judgement. During the Covid-19 pandemic, American psychologist Prof Steven Hayes – creator of acceptance and commitment therapy – delivered a memorable webinar for mental health NGO Relate Malaysia. He opened with a striking observation: 'We're sold the message that we ought to be constantly happy, but that's a problematic message. We need the whole range of human emotion to survive and thrive.' The idea that we should always be happy also shows up in therapy settings, where clients struggle with this expectation. Mark Vahrmeyer, a UK psychotherapist, wrote an excellent summary about the assumed opposition of depression and happiness. He pointed out that many people come to therapy wanting to 'feel happier'. But happiness isn't simply the opposite of depression. Depression isn't just sadness; it's a deadening of the inner world, a flattening of meaning, imagination, and desire. By contrast, happiness is transient, and therapy doesn't aim to manufacture a single feeling on demand. It's about helping us stay with our emotions, listen to them, and think instead of simply reacting. Vahrmeyer also notes that a rich life includes joy, but also grief, anger, longing, and disappointment. Chasing only happiness reduces life to shallow hedonism. What matters isn't simply feeling good but feeling fully alive and open to everything that life brings us. Yet too often we see a cultural push, in schools and workplaces, towards relentless positivity. We're encouraged to be cheerful, grateful, and upbeat at all times. These are valuable qualities, of course, but they aren't the only emotions we feel. Good emotional education, especially for young people, means helping people to recognise, understand, and express the full range of their feelings in healthy, honest ways. If children learn that anger and frustration are simply 'bad' and mustn't be expressed, those emotions won't just vanish. They can turn into something more corrosive and painful over time. A child who feels shame for being angry might withdraw, struggle to stand up for themselves, or suffer in silence. Over years, those unspoken feelings can harden into resentment against others or against themselves. If our model of emotional health is all about smiling through pain, we leave ourselves unprepared for reality, papering over cracks that only deepen if ignored or denied. We see this in how we handle grief. When someone loses a loved one, they might be told to 'stay strong' or 'think of the good times', as if devastation is something to hide or feel guilty about. But of course, they will feel deep sadness or devastation – and it isn't weakness to experience emotions appropriate for a significant and personal loss. During the radio interview, I was also asked if doing things just to be happy can still be good for us. It's a fair question and one with a nuanced answer: Activities that lift our mood clearly have value and can help us cope. American psychologist Carol Dweck talks about 'earned' positive feelings – those that come from meaningful effort and commitment. Exercising, creating, or helping others can all bring real satisfaction and lasting change. But it depends on our approach and our mindset. If happiness becomes the only goal, the pursuit can turn hollow, leaving us wanting more and never satisfied. When we nurture relationships, learn, create, or help others – not simply to be happy but because these things matter – the happiness that follows is more genuine, grounded, and lasting. It's not that happiness is unimportant or trivial. It's that it's most authentic when it grows out of living in ways that deeply engage us. Real happiness comes from understanding and accepting our full range of emotions, learning to express them well, and giving them their place. When we do this, we create the foundation for genuine contentment – the kind we often search for in all the wrong ways. Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail lifestyle@ The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
The Star
24-05-2025
- Health
- The Star
Always connected, yet still alone
Why is it that despite constantly being connected, so many young people are feeling lonely?— IZZRAFIQ ALIAS/The Star BY all appearances, today's youth are more socially connected than ever before, what with the proliferation of digital technologies and rise of online culture. So why is it that despite constantly being connected so many young people report feeling lonely? Founder of mental health portal Relate Malaysia and clinical psychologist Dr Chua Sook Ning says these feelings of loneliness among young people aren't consistently linked to the number of hours spent on social media. What matters more is the nature of those online connections, she explains, as being active on social media does not always translate into meaningful social connections. Many young people end up with numerous online interactions that don't lead to deeper relationships or offline support, which can leave them feeling emotionally unfulfilled despite being constantly connected, Chua says. 'Research shows that people who feel lonely often have more online friendships that don't carry over into their offline lives. 'This lack of offline connection is linked to lower relationship quality and satisfaction. 'So while they may be interacting online, it does not necessarily ease their loneliness,' she says. She points to a 2024 study of university students in China, which also found a bi-directional link between problematic social media use and loneliness. Problematic social media use is defined as excessive use that negatively affects functioning and psychological well-being. 'Essentially, those who are lonely tend to use social media in more problematic ways, which in turn worsens their loneliness,' she says. Dr Azree Nazri of Universiti Putra Malaysia says the dangers of loneliness is that it burdens both the body and mind. Neuroscience has shown that the brain processes social rejection in the same way as physical pain, activating the same neural circuits, he says. 'Chronic loneliness elevates cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, which in turn weakens immunity, disrupts sleep, raises risks of cardiovascular disease and accelerates mental health decline,' says Azree, who is also a research fellow with Harvard Medical School. Some studies have even equated the long-term health effects of loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, he says. Psychologically, social connection is also fundamental, he says, pointing to theories like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which places love and belonging directly above physical safety, while attachment theory explains how early childhood bonds shape emotional regulation and social behaviour for life. This is why, Chua says, it is important to help young people recognise the difference between surface-level interaction and genuine connection. 'At the same time, we also need to create more accessible and appealing opportunities for social engagement, especially for those who find it difficult to connect with others,' she says. For young people, especially when they're still shaping their identity and figuring out their place in the world, any sense of emotional struggle can be seen as a flaw, so such internal struggles like loneliness are frequently kept hidden. Chua says this silence can compound the problem, making young people feel not only alone, but ashamed for feeling that way in the first place. 'Talking about our inner world isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of courage and the beginning of greater emotional understanding, both of ourselves and others.'
