2 days ago
What are LAT relationships, and what do they mean for the LGBTQ+ community?
Sarah Paulson has a four-word relationship hack: 'We don't live together.'
When the American Horror Story star told the SmartLess podcast in May 2024 that she and longtime partner Holland Taylor 'spend plenty of time together, but we don't live in the same house,' queer Twitter hailed it as the ultimate blueprint for keeping the spark alive without sharing a bathroom.
That setup has a name — living-apart-together (LAT) — and, far from being a celebrity quirk, it's a relationship style with deep roots in LGBTQ+ culture, where autonomy and safety have always been prized alongside intimacy.
The arrangement has outgrown its origins in sociology seminars. A 2023 U.S. census micro-tabulation counted almost four million American couples who live apart by choice, and a 2024 U.K. study finds LAT is a common cohabitation among daters over 60. For LGBTQ+ folks, the draw is clear: autonomy without sacrificing intimacy, space that feels safe, and a flexible structure.
PRIDE asked Ruth L. Schwartz., PhD, a queer relationship coach and Director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and Dr. Angela Downey, a lesbian family physician from The Codependent Doctor, to break down how LAT works, the perks and pitfalls they see in practice, and the concrete steps to try it.
- Yuri A/Shutterstock
'The term 'LAT relationships' (and the idea of 'living apart, together') originated, to my knowledge, with a Dutch writer in the 1970s, but it's gotten popularized recently because honestly, for a great many people both straight and LGBTQ+, it has a lot of appeal,' Dr. Schwartz tells PRIDE.
Dr. Downey puts it in plain sociological terms. 'LAT stands for 'Living Apart Together,' and refers to couples who are in a committed relationship but choose to live separately,' she says. 'It emerged in sociological research from Europe in the early 2000s as a way to describe changing partnership structures that defy traditional living arrangements.'
In other words, you can be fully partnered — rings, group-chats, pet-insurance, the whole nine — but keep two sets of keys.
Queer folks have never fit neatly inside Hallmark's domestic script. 'LGBTQ people have been forced to — and have also claimed the right to — define our relationships for ourselves,' Dr. Schwartz notes. For many of the lesbians she coaches, especially women 50-plus who've 'already created their own homes or lifestyles the way they like them,' merging closets again feels like giving up autonomy.
Dr. Downey echoes that cultural remix impulse. 'LAT relationships are more common in LGBTQ+ communities, where traditional relationship models may feel too restrictive,' she says.
Choosing not to cohabitate can protect hard-won independence, reduce gender-role baggage, and soften the crush of 'U-Haul on date two' expectations.
These days, LAT relationships are no longer fringe.
In the United States, roughly 3.89 million Americans — about 2.95% of married couples — live apart by choice.
In all relationships and all ages in the U.K., the 2024 UCL analysis found about one in ten couples maintain separate addresses, with LAT the preferred structure when over-60s start dating.
Over-60s specifically: The same study pegs LAT at around 4% of older adults, making it as common as cohabitation in that cohort.
Global echoes: Sexologist Pepper Schwartz cites 'over 4 million married couples in America' opting for LAT or long-distance set-ups, a figure repeated in Allure's March 2025 trend dive.
The takeaway: LAT moved from quirky outlier to measurable slice of relationship data in under a decade.
LightField Studios/Shutterstock
Dr. Schwartz let us know all about the upside to these types of relationships. 'When we're not having to navigate all the domestic and financial details of a household together, there are fewer points of conflict,' she says. 'Each time we see each other can be special, and more focused on us and on emotional or physical connection.'
Although she notes it can be pleasurable to be invited to someone else's home or vice versa, she also says lesbian couples often 'struggle maintaining sufficient autonomy… getting to have our own home spaces… can give us more of the kind of autonomy which then also makes room for more intimacy. Often, one partner's living space offers some 'goodies' that the other partner's does not.'
Dr. Downey adds a clinical spin, noting the uptick in independence but also protecting against enmeshment, which she says can decrease conflict that can come about from living together.
'LAT can be especially healing for people who are recovering from codependency, caretaking burnout, or past relationship trauma,' she says.
While some people love the idea of freedom, others don't have the same feelings.
'Some people really crave the intimacy of sharing space… so not sharing those things could feel like a loss,' says Dr. Schwartz. 'Some people have adopted mainstream society notions that it's only a 'real' or committed relationship if you're living together.'
At the same time, Dr. Downey flags the emotional logistics. 'There may be more miscommunications and a difference in expectations about time together, future planning, or emotional needs,' she says.
If kids, caregiving, or fur-babies are in the mix, the Google Calendar juggling intensifies fast.
If you're curious about LAT, start with a brutally honest convo. 'Have an open conversation about why you're interested in LAT and what each of you hopes to gain,' Dr. Downey advises. 'Clarify your values, needs, and boundaries. It's not about avoiding intimacy, it's about redefining it intentionally.'
Dr. Schwartz models the arc with her own story of how she and her partner moved from cohabitation to separate homes. 'We definitely had more emotional and physical intimacy when we lived separately,' she says. 'It's important to be really clear about what appeals to each person and/or frightens each person about the idea of living separately while in a committed partnership. Obviously, having these conversations from the beginning would be ideal, as there might be more sense of loss involved if people were living together and then one partner wanted to change that.'
KinoMasterskaya/Shutterstock
A LAT relationship isn't automatically 'long-distance.' You could live in adjacent apartments, across town, or on another continent. Either way, intentionality rules:
'There's a need to carve out time together, because you won't necessarily be waking up in the same bed… So, being conscious and intentional about when it works best for you to spend time together… will be key,' says Schwartz.
She recommends rituals — from a nightly 30-minute FaceTime to alternating sleepovers — tailored to distance and bandwidth.
Dr. Downey's prescription is just as explicit. 'Prioritize your partner through consistent communication,' she says. 'Schedule regular quality time, share rituals that create connection, and check in about how the arrangement is working for both of you.'
Think of it as relationship cross-training: fewer defaults, more reps of active listening.
LAT isn't a half-measure; it's a design choice. It lets queer couples keep the spark (and the spare room), sidestep heteronormative scripts, and prove, yet again, that intimacy has never required a white-picket mortgage.
As Schwartz sums up, 'Whether a couple lives together or separately, keeping the lines of communication open, and staying out of 'story,' assumption and projection, is key to making the relationship work.'
For LGBTQ+ folx weighing the move, the question may be less why live apart than why not, if it safeguards both your autonomy and your heart.
This article originally appeared on Pride: What are LAT relationships, and what do they mean for the LGBTQ+ community?
