2 days ago
Do We Have to Thank My Brother-in-Law for His Gifts if We Hate His Politics?
My husband's brother, mid-60s, has always been single. Before his parents died, he lived with them. While attending a violent political rally that my husband and I opposed early in the pandemic, he contracted Covid, then infected his mother and behaved irresponsibly in managing her care. She died soon after. We have had no real relationship with him in years. Still, he emails suggestions of gifts he would like for birthdays and Christmas. We send them, and he responds with thank-you notes. When he asks what we would like, we respond that we don't want any gifts. He sends them anyway, and we donate them to charity. We do not acknowledge them, which we normally would do. Recently, he expressed a desire for acknowledgment of his gifts. How should we handle this?
SISTER-IN-LAW
I don't think this question is about gifts. And your family is hardly the first to be undone by partisan politics and Covid. (Still, it's always sad to hear about fractured relationships.) You and your husband should be more direct with your brother-in-law. It seems as if you want nothing to do with him, but instead of telling him that, you have adopted a strategy of treating him rudely in hopes that he might glean your intentions without your having to say anything. But he's not getting the message!
You and your husband are entitled to terminate relationships with whomever you like for whatever reasons you choose. You don't mention trying to talk through political differences with your brother-in-law (or agreeing to avoid the subject), but you may not be interested in that. If not, the best thing to do is be clear with him. Presumably, he has no idea that you are donating his gifts to charity to avoid even a whiff of contact with him. All he knows is that his gifts are going unacknowledged. (And you know that's impolite.)
Now, I am not hardhearted. I suspect that you and your husband are suffering — along with many of us — over the deep partisan divisions in our country and the ways they affect us personally. And I recognize that there is probably no easy fix for your issues with your brother-in-law. Still, he deserves to know the lay of the land — if only out of respect for his long relationship with his brother.
When a Thoughtful Follow-Up May Be Unwelcome
A few days ago, a colleague at work confided in me that he was waiting for the results of a biopsy to rule out a cancer diagnosis. I told him I would keep him in my thoughts. Since then, I have heard nothing from him. I don't want to be invasive by asking about the results, but I don't want to seem indifferent, either. Advice?
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