Latest news with #SanamHafeez
Yahoo
3 days ago
- Health
- Yahoo
Self-Absorbed People Often Use These 12 Phrases Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say
Self-Absorbed People Often Use These 12 Phrases Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say originally appeared on Parade. "Self-absorbed" is a commonly hurled phrase on social media and in private conversations about people who always seem to redirect everything back to their thoughts, needs and feelings. While it's understandable—healthy even—to love and advocate for yourself, psychologists warn that self-absorbed people often alienate others."Being self-absorbed is not the same as confidence or self-awareness," stresses Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind. "Instead, it reflects an inward gaze that makes it difficult to empathize, listen or show interest in what someone else is going through."She explains that self-absorbed behaviors are often rooted in insecurity and fear, and can be difficult to recognize in yourself, saying, "It is hard to be self-aware about self-absorbed behavior because the mindset itself blocks the ability to reflect outward."However, understanding common phrases self-absorbed individuals use without realizing it can increase your awareness and help you become more inclusive. Here, psychologists share common phrases that self-absorbed people often say and offer advice on overcoming chronic "me-first" or "selfish" While this phrase has some merits, one psychologist points out some subtle but significant issues."There is nothing wrong with including part of this sentence as a response to a proposed plan, but to assume a group activity cannot happen just because you are not available is problematic unless it is an event in your honor," clarifies Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with telling colleagues that they absolutely cannot go to happy hour on Friday because you have a wedding to attend is People often use this phrase with good intentions."While it may seem like a way to relate, this shifts the focus away from the other person's emotions," shares a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "Clients I've worked with sometimes do this unintentionally when they are uncomfortable sitting with another person's pain. It's a way of making the moment more about them rather than offering support." One psychologist shares this phrase is a surefire way to rub people the wrong way, even if you're just kidding."It signals a lack of reciprocal attention," explains Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "Even when said playfully, it reveals a pattern of redirecting conversations toward their own stories."Related: This statement may be true, but it's worth considering whether you may have contributed to this treatment (especially if someone points out you say this all the time)."This is an example of self-absorption when one fails to acknowledge their contribution to a situation," Dr. Smith instance, she explains it's not cool to arrive 20 minutes late to something and get upset that a person can't meet with them anymore and needs to reschedule. Real talk: That could be part of the problem. "Rather than seeking understanding, this communicates judgment and a lack of curiosity about others' emotional landscapes," Dr. McGeehan reveals. "There isn't a clarifying question, empathy or curiosity, which are all things we would expect to see in a healthy back and forth. Rather, it's effectively shutting the conversation down."Related: This one is a classic phrase often uttered by self-absorbed types."It's a very common way to invalidate someone's experience and reroute them back to themselves," Dr. McGeehan says. "It implies that their interpretation is not valid and effectively steers the conversation in whatever direction they choose."Related: Different people bring distinct experiences and perspectives to the table, which is often positive. However, people who are self-absorbed may struggle to see things any way but their way."This phrase means that they have a very narrow view of the world," Dr. Hafeez says. "It also suggests that their own thoughts are the norm, and it is difficult to think that someone else's thoughts are equally valid."Related: Using honesty as an excuse to be mean can showcase a lack of empathy, a hallmark of self-absorbed tendencies. "Often used to justify blunt or inconsiderate remarks, this phrase frames insensitivity as a virtue," Dr. McGeehan says. "It prioritizes self-expression over relational impact. This is common with someone who is self-absorbed."Dr. Lira de la Rosa agrees."This is a phrase I hear a lot in therapy when someone says something hurtful," he says. "Honesty without compassion can mask self-centeredness. When we're truly aware of others, we take care to be both honest and kind." Dr. Hafeez says this phrase not only exudes "self-absorbed" vibes, but it's also just plain rude."Rather than being willing to hear what the other person feels, they focus on their own feelings, often cutting off deeper connection or understanding," she Sure about that one?"This statement assumes that others are constantly focused on them, which is a hallmark of self-absorbed thinking," Dr. Hafeez says. "It shows a limited ability to see others as independent of their own narrative."Dr. Lira de la Rosa adds that individuals who frequently use this phrase are often prone to defensiveness and tend to have inflated views of themselves. This one sounds cool. However, it can be rather cold when used in certain situations."This phrase often dismisses others' emotional needs or challenges, implying they are unimportant or excessive," Dr. McGeehan explains. "I usually hear this one when someone comes to a friend for support, and that friend is too self-absorbed to tolerate holding space for someone else."To add insult to injury?"This phrase dismisses this person's need while also adding a flavor of judgment by calling it drama," Dr. McGeehan warns. Dr. McGeehan says this phrase lacks empathy and centers on the self-absorbed person's way of thinking."It often minimizes the speaker's experience in favor of showcasing their perceived superiority or decisiveness," she Dr. Smith says this step is an internal one—no one needs to be aware of it. However, it can help you intentionally create more balance in interactions with caveat: "No one is asking you to stop considering yourself," she clarifies. "They'd just like for you to grow by considering them too."For instance, she says you may notice that you consider yourself at a 10:1 ratio—don't expect to reach a 50:50 ratio in an hour."Even the best of us are not always completely balanced, so that does not need to be the goal," Dr. Smith says. "Rather, just focus on increasing the number of times you actually pause to consider the person you're speaking with or interacting with."Related: Active listening isn't just about opening your ears but your mind as well."This means really focusing on what the other person is saying instead of thinking about what you want to say next," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "It builds empathy and reminds them that being present is more powerful than trying to solve or redirect." After listening with curiosity, you'll be better equipped to ask some questions that make a person feel seen and cared for."Asking thoughtful, non-performative questions keeps the focus on connection rather than control," Dr. McGeehan says. "It signals genuine interest and helps shift your attention away from being understood to understanding. This is often a soft skill that is underdeveloped for someone who is self-absorbed."Related: It's not easy to work on self-absorbed behavior, and it's OK to put it out there that you're trying."By being open and honest with your close friends—who you trust will not weaponize this against you—you are practicing the very thing that is underdeveloped for you: Vulnerability," Dr. McGeehan says. "This will bring it to the forefront of your consciousness while also allowing your friends to gently hold you accountable as well." Up Next:Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D, a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor Self-Absorbed People Often Use These 12 Phrases Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say first appeared on Parade on Jun 29, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 29, 2025, where it first appeared.
Scottish Sun
25-06-2025
- Health
- Scottish Sun
The simple everyday activity that could slow or even prevent dementia, discovered by scientists
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) LISTENING to music could help boost your memory, scientists suggest - and it may even help slow or reduce the risk of dementia. Switching on some tunes improves recall as certain melodies can evoke an emotional response, American researchers said. Sign up for Scottish Sun newsletter Sign up 1 Listening to music boosts our ability to remember - and could serve as a tool in dementia treatment or prevention Credit: Getty Scientists from Rice University in Texas and the University of California in Los Angeles tested people's memory by having them look at images. People with a stronger emotional reaction to the music they heard after they looked at the images were better able to remember them when quizzed on them later. The team said the strength of people's emotional response to the music was key to their recall. A "moderate" emotional response seemed to improve participants' memories, but too big or too small a response seemed to impair it. Kayla Clark, from Rice University, explained: "The more emotional people became from the music, the more they remembered the gist of a previous event. "But people who had more moderate emotional responses to music remembered more details of previous events.' The research team suggested harnessing this emotional response to improve memory. "Music plays a unique role in memory processing," Rice University scientists said. "We can recall music and memories associated with music well into old age, even [those of us] with dementia. "Music has the capability of inducing emotional arousal, which may provide a powerful approach toward the modulation of memory." Signs of dementia that might be missed The findings could also offer hope to dementia patients, experts not involved in the research suggest. Dr Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist, told the Daily Mail music could also serve as a tool to reduce the risk and possibly slow the progression of dementia. "Music helps tap into memories and emotions that might otherwise feel out of reach," she said. "Over time, that kind of stimulation might delay how quickly symptoms progress." As the research team pointed out, "music is an integral part of everyday life". "People often listen to it while completing routine tasks, exercising, socialising, or commuting," they wrote in the journal Neuroscience. "Given its constant presence, it is no surprise that music becomes entwined with our memories and influences how we process them. "Listening to meaningful music frequently evokes memories, often accompanied by strong emotional components. Other ways to reduce dementia risk Eat a healthy diet Prioritise a Mediterranean diet rich in whole grains, vegetables, nuts, legumes, and oily fish while limiting red meat, refined foods, and sugar. Engage in regular physical activity Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week. This can include activities like walking, dancing, swimming, or gardening. Manage blood pressure Keep your blood pressure at a healthy level through diet, exercise, and medication if necessary. Quit smoking Quitting smoking can significantly reduce your risk of dementia, as well as other health issues. Keep socially engaged Maintain an active social life, stay connected with loved ones, and participate in community activities. Be mentally stimulated Challenge your brain with activities like learning new skills, reading, or solving puzzles. Get good sleep Prioritise good sleep quality, as research suggests that sleep disturbances may be linked to an increased risk of dementia. Limit alcohol consumption Drinking too much alcohol can increase your risk of falls and other health conditions that are linked to dementia. Manage diabetes If you have type 2 diabetes, manage it effectively to reduce your risk of dementia. Address hearing loss Address hearing loss, as it can be linked to an increased risk of dementia. "One possible mechanism underlying music's impact on memory is its ability to elicit emotional responses." Study participants - 130 university students - were shown images of 128 objects or activities and were asked to sort them as "indoor" or "outdoor". Thirty minutes later, they were asked to do them same with 192 images, some old, some new. Afterwards, they listened to different types of classical music - which was happy, sad or familiar to students - neutral sounds like a crackling fire or white noise, or no music at all. Researchers then asked to them report their emotional state and after a 20 minute break, they were asked to complete a memory task and sort images as old or new. Whether the songs were happy or sad didn't seem to have an effect on participants' recall of them images when they were quizzed on them later. Instead, the strength of the emotions triggered by the music seemed to boost or hamper memory - with "moderate" responses acting as a sweet spot for recall. Dr Kimberly Idoko, neurologist and medical director at Everwell Neuro, told the Daily Mail: "Music activates the brain's limbic system, which processes both memory and emotion. "The more emotionally activated someone is, the more the brain flags that moment as worth storing. "That's why emotionally charged music can boost recall of big-picture experiences. "And why, when an emotional response is more moderate, the brain has more bandwidth to encode the details." Music therapy Treatment strategies for dementia - including Alzheimer's - can sometimes incorporate music. Dementia UK says: "For people with dementia – even those who have lost their ability to communicate or are at the end of their life – music can be a powerful way to trigger positive feelings and connect with other people. "Listening to or engaging in music – for example, by singing, dancing or playing instruments – can help people with dementia develop and maintain relationships with others and improve their wellbeing." For example, it can allow them to express themselves, become a prompt for reminiscing and reduce distress. They may also they may find it easier to recall memories when they hear pieces of music that are significant to them. Yelena Sokolsky, a home health nurse and founder of Galaxy Homecare, told the Daily Mail that music therapy is especially valuable for people with early dementia. "As cognitive functioning declines, individuals may struggle with verbal communication - this can lead to feelings of heightened confusion, fear or agitation. "However, music can evoke emotion and memories, bringing comfort even when other forms of communication become challenging." When it comes to prevention, a 2023 study found that playing and listening to music can help slow the decline of cognitive function in older people
Yahoo
23-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
If Your Teen's Room Is a Pigsty, This New TikTok Trend Might Make You Feel a Little Better
Weird smells, clothes everywhere, literal mold growing on discarded food — teens live like they were born in a barn with the way they treat their rooms. If you've ever found questionable, odd, or downright disgusting things in your teen's room, you're not alone. A new TikTok trend has teens sharing their messy bedrooms, and if anything, it'll make you feel better about your own teen's room. It's hard to pinpoint who exactly started this trend, but one of the most popular videos was done by a TikToker named @jellybelly835, They shared a video of all the truly unhinged things found in their room that quickly went viral and has amassed 3.6 million views so far. More from SheKnows This Mom Uncovered What's Really Hiding on Teens' Phones in a New Documentary & It Changed Her Mind on Social Media In the video, @jellybelly835 said, 'im scared to be in this literall [sic] infested room.' There was a mug with flies living out of the leftover gunk at the bottom and another cup half-filled with liquid and insects. 'Cup with maggots and hatched fly eggs,' they wrote. 'We will be one big family.' A moldy microwave cake, moldy orange juice, and a 'deteriorating mold infested drink pouring [out on the] windowsill' completed the tour of the room. Many people expressed concern about the account, encouraging them to get mental health help before they get sick from their environment. The messy room trend has sense taken off, with many other teens sharing what their bedrooms look like. One video, which has 5.1 million views, showed all the places pee was collected in their cousin's room (like Monster energy drink cans). Ew! Another user shared a video featuring disgusting mold-filled Yazoo bottle, reaching 7 million views. These extreme examples show what it's like to be a teen and the other side of the viral 'bed-rotting' term that is actually masking depression. There's one thing to have a gross room and another to be so depressed you don't care about anything including basic hygiene. According to the CDC, depression among teens and adults has increased 60 percent over the last decade. Neuropsychologist Dr. Sanam Hafeez previously told SheKnows, 'Depression during adolescence can interfere with school, friendships, and family relationships. It also increases the risk of self-harm, substance use, and suicide.' Signs your teen is struggling with depression include feeling sad and/or irritable. 'This is a rough day type of mood that lingers for weeks,' Dr. Maria Grace Wolk previously told SheKnows. 'Another key sign is a loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy, like sports, music, or time with friends. Changes in sleep or appetite are also common, whether it's sleeping too much, not sleeping at all, or noticeable shifts in eating habits.' Additionally, parents should be sure to never dismiss 'expressions of hopelessness, self-harm, or talk of wanting to disappear.' Although these videos are gross, they are encouraging others to seek help and/or clean their room, which are both wonderful steps forward. If you can get past the gross factor and see the vulnerability that lies behind these users posting about their embarrassing mental health challenges, then you can see the beauty in this trend. If your teen or someone else you know is showing signs of depression, call the National Mental Health Hotline at of SheKnows Bird Names Are One of the Biggest Baby Name Trends for Gen Beta (& We Found 20+ Options) These Are the 36 Celebrities with the Most Kids 15 Celebrity Parents Whose Kids Went to Ivy League Schools
Epoch Times
28-05-2025
- Health
- Epoch Times
The Science-Backed Writing Exercises That Improve Mental Health
Just 10 minutes of daily positive writing can reduce anxiety and boost life satisfaction—but choosing the right type of writing exercise for your personality is crucial, according to a major new research review. Scientists identified seven distinct approaches to therapeutic writing—from gratitude letters to 'three good things' journals—with some proving more effective for certain types of people than others. Based on More Than 50 Years of Studies The systematic review, recently published in the journal Unlike traditional expressive writing about trauma or stress, which can initially increase negative feelings, positive writing techniques enhanced well-being without these short-term risks. Researchers systematically searched four major databases, focusing specifically on adults who used self-guided writing exercises about positive topics. All studies included control groups and measured outcomes like happiness, optimism, anxiety levels, and physical symptoms. The 7 Most Effective Writing Interventions Researchers identified seven main types of positive writing interventions that showed measurable benefits. 1. Best Possible Self Writing: Participants imagined and wrote about their ideal future self, by describing goals and dreams in detail. 2. Gratitude Letters: Letters of appreciation were written to people who have made a positive impact, whether delivered or not. 3. Positive Experience Journaling: This involved writing about intensely positive experiences, happy moments, or any topic that encouraged them to reflect upon a positive memory or aspect of life. 4. Benefit Finding: Participants were encouraged to write about the benefits or positives following a stressful or upsetting experience. 5. Three Good Things: Participants wrote three good things that happened at the end of each day. 6. Satisfaction Processes: Individuals wrote about experiences that brought them satisfaction and evaluated their sense of fulfillment, contentment, or happiness in various aspects of life. The focus is to write on aspects such as pleasure, enjoyment, and sense of involvement. 7. Resource Diary: This involved writing about inter- and intra-personal resources, which are assets or strengths that people use to cope with challenges, maintain well-being, and achieve personal growth. While the review found these techniques most consistently improved feelings of happiness, life satisfaction, and gratitude, researchers noted that their effects on anxiety and depression varied depending on individual differences and the type of writing intervention used. 'People who tend to reflect on their thoughts and feelings may find positive writing exercises easier,' Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind in New York, and not associated with the review, told The Epoch Times. 'Writing down feelings can be instinctive to certain people but creates uncertainty or writer's block for others.' The research revealed that people with lower emotional expression or social inhibition experienced greater benefits from certain interventions. Those who 'can handle their emotions well' might stay focused on good things without being stuck on bad memories, according to Hafeez. Related Stories 4/24/2025 12/29/2023 However, people struggling with trauma or chronic stress may need more structured guidance. 'Every individual requires tailored exercises that match their specific needs,' she emphasizes. Easier for Some People Despite the promising findings, the researchers emphasized that many studies they looked at had methodological weaknesses, such as not including all participants in the analysis or a lack of rigorous controls. They also called for future research to adopt more rigorous methods, to measure both health and wellbeing outcomes, and to examine how personal differences could impact effectiveness. Dr. Ritu Goel, a board-certified integrative psychiatrist at MindClaire in Los Angeles, sees positive writing as an effective therapeutic intervention for various conditions. 'It can be helpful for individuals struggling with social anxiety, PTSD, OCD, depression, relationship issues, cognitive distortions, and autism spectrum disorders,' she told The Epoch Times. The intervention works by helping people process emotions, reduce stress, and gain perspective on challenging experiences—all while building emotional resilience over time. For those interested in trying positive writing, Goel recommends beginning with a small, consistent journaling routine, with just 10 minutes daily being sufficient. There is no right or wrong way to proceed, and 'no need to worry about grammar.' 'Express any thoughts or emotions you're experiencing—positive, negative, or neutral,' she noted. 'Over time, you'll notice emotional patterns, recognize unhelpful thoughts, and learn to challenge them with more positive and constructive thinking.' She recommends focusing on positive experiences, gratitude, or envisioning your best future self, but cautions against expecting immediate results. 'It's about gradually building emotional well-being rather than achieving immediate transformation.'
Yahoo
16-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Some Daters Use 'Floodlighting' To Fast-Track Emotional Intimacy. Here's Why You Shouldn't.
You're on a first date at a cozy restaurant and, for once, it's actually not awkward. You're laughing at each other's jokes; you're sharing an app; you're feeling super comfortable the more you chat. It's all fun and flirtation until your date mentions a childhood memory of theirs, which triggers a painful memory for you. Because the date is going so well and you feel at ease, you think, "What's the worst that could happen if I share this traumatic event?" Then, the worst *does* happen: Their body language shifts, and an awkward silence ensues—they become obviously uncomfortable. You don't know what you just did, but you know it wasn't good. Turns out, there's a term for sharing too much too soon: "floodlighting." Coined by professor and author of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage Brené Brown, it's basically when someone overshares prematurely in a relationship, whether knowingly or not, to bypass the time and energy needed to develop actual emotional intimacy. You can think of floodlighting as the love child of two other toxic dating trends: trauma dumping (word-vomiting vulnerability on an unsuspecting audience) and love bombing (bestowing lavish gifts and grand gestures upon a new love interest so they'll quickly fall for you). When someone floodlights another person, it can seem like they're simply being vulnerable. And hey, what's wrong with that? Well, 'unlike genuine vulnerability, which unfolds gradually through time, emotional floodlighting resembles purpose-driven emotional oversharing,' says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and founder of Comprehend the Mind, a New York's leader in neuropsychological assessments. That drive, she explains, can be as innocent as a trauma response, such as anxiety, or as nefarious as emotional manipulation. It's natural to want to vet the emotional 'agility' of someone you're dating, especially if you're looking for a long-term partner whom you can lean on during life's ups and downs. But floodlighting tries to do this by taking the 2 Fast 2 Furious route. 'The person who discloses too much information could be testing the other person to see if they can handle some of the different traumas or different experiences they've experienced—almost to an extent of manipulation—that leads to control over the conversation,' says Kayanan. Whether they're using that control to dominate the conversation or judge how well you handle their emotions, the floodlighting forces you, the listener, to take on the therapist role for a person you have just met. Plus, it can be emotionally invasive to try to force a connection with someone who may not be equipped to handle certain traumatic information—or at least, not right away. 'The person who is [floodlighting] may be putting the other in the position of feeling as if they need to respond, even though they may not be ready to,' says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a relationship scientist, sex therapist, and the founder of Embracing Change Marriage and Family Therapy. 'Intimacy requires reciprocity, and vulnerability takes time.' But not all floodlighters act with ulterior motives. In fact, many people might not even know they're doing anything wrong. '[The floodlighter] may be engaging in this form of communication as they feel a sense of security in the relationship and may genuinely want to establish a deep connection with the other person,' says Cohen. 'Their intention may just be, 'I feel safe with you. I want to connect with you by sharing this important information about me and my past.'' In the digital age, it's become commonplace to overshare online for an audience of hundreds or thousands of followers. Because these posts tend to garner validation and sympathy in the reply section, why wouldn't you expect the same response in real life? But you're not privy to the reactions of all your followers—and it's likely that many people think that some information would be best kept between you and a therapist. Floodlighting can also be an anxiety response, says Kayanan, rooted in the fear of how they'll be perceived by their date. A floodlighter might use this tactic to put forth a sympathetic narrative and reel the other person in quickly because they're nervous their date will find out difficult or dubious information about them later. It's the performative, rather than substantive, nature of these actions, says Kayanan, that signals the relationship might be taking a wrong turn. It could also be a trauma response, says Hafeez, because 'casual conversations often unexpectedly lead back to your previous emotional wounds and life difficulties.' For example, your date may bring up their favorite vacation memory, which triggers your PTSD, and you bring up a traumatic event that prevented you from traveling or a negative memory you have associated with the place your date visited. Oversharing becomes an unconscious defense mechanism to soothe negative feelings and maintain nervous system balance, she explains. Essentially, floodlighting is a way to gain control over your emotions. Floodlighting might also be a way to protect yourself from genuine emotional intimacy, according to Brené Brown, which can often happen when you've felt dismissed in the past or are otherwise responding to a false belief about yourself. Say your last partner dumped you, and you now have a fear of abandonment. If you share that deep fear early on, and your date gets overwhelmed and decides not to pursue things further, you're subconsciously confirming your own internal bias. This false sense of security can skew the emotional connection over time, says Hafeez, because, rather than creating an emotional connection with your date, you're seeking to validate a subconscious fear about yourself. Whether done intentionally or not, floodlighting can lead to dating disaster—that is, until now. Ahead, relationship experts share how to spot the signs of floodlighting, what to do if you get get caught in the floodlights, and healthy alternatives to toxic over-sharing. When you have chemistry with someone, it can be easy to get swept away with sharing your interests, values, and life goals. Naturally, you'd want to test the emotional waters—but that's where it can get rough. For example, your date casually mentions their family dynamics, but that's a touchy subject for you, due to an estranged relationship. In an effort to connect, you might feel the urge to share your whole family history, but unloading that much personal information on your date may make them feel emotionally drained before they're even emotionally invested. Or, they may be obligated to share their own experiences to help you feel more comfortable, not necessarily because they genuinely feel an emotional connection. It's not always easy to tell when someone is getting uncomfortable, especially if they're trying to avoid making you feel uncomfortable, but there tend to be some specific indications of unease. For example, if they're turning their body away from you, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or changing the subject, those are all likely signs that they're not feeling up for the current topic. If you ignore these cues, then you're probably crossing the line from sharing into floodlighting. Even if you don't feel like you've overstepped, it's a good idea to switch up the direction of the conversation. Sharing why the most recent relationship didn't work out can be a topical date convo, but it should be the length of an elevator pitch—about 30 seconds—not a long, drawn-out explanation detailing every way your ex wronged you. Not only will divulging all this emotional trauma early on overwhelm the other person, but you may also (inadvertently or intentionally) put pressure on them to exceed your expectations or "save" you from your past in the process, Hafeez says. Remember, you barely know this person, so it's not your date's responsibility to make up for someone else's bad behavior or take on the role of a therapist and help you process years of pain. (FYI: This isn't a long-term partner's job, either—it is literally only the job of licensed mental healthcare professional!) Typically, the floodlighter doesn't give the other person room to respond and redirect the conversation to a lighter topic, or they pressure them to open up to the same degree that they just did, says Hafeez. Either way, 'their behavior suggests they want to accelerate the relationship beyond what you find comfortable,' she explains. This can be a nefarious form of floodlighting because it sends a clear signal that they are prioritizing what they want to get out of the convo, even if means crossing another person's boundaries (which probably took some work and courage to establish in the first place!). This can set the stage for an unhealthy relationship dynamic before it even gets a chance to blossom. When a casual convo starts to feel too heavy, you have every right to redirect toward a lighter topic—and you can do so without seeming insensitive. Use 'I' language, such as 'I understand this topic has deeply affected you, but I feel uncomfortable having this conversation right now. Could we revisit it another time?' By addressing what both parties may be feeling in that moment, you're effectively creating distance from the heavy conversation, as well as establishing a clear boundary, says Kayanan. But you're also not shutting down your date full-stop—the door is still open to resume this conversation at a later point when you have naturally built up the emotional intimacy necessary to support this person. Okay but... what if you realize your long-term partner has been floodlighting you for some time? 'Initially, their emotional sharing seemed to indicate a close connection, yet eventually, it led to an unequal relationship where your needs became neglected,' says Hafeez. Now that you're no longer blinded by the floodlight, it's time to speak up, says Cohen, and you can use the same 'I' statement tactic as above. Why it works: By keeping the focus on your feelings, rather than assigning blame, 'this can point out the behavior and highlight why it is making you uncomfortable,' says Cohen. Once your partner understands where you're coming from, you can start setting new boundaries with them so don't feel emotionally drained. 'Therapy—individually or together—can also help,' says Hafeez. 'Discovering floodlighting means you're progressing to create a balanced and healthy relationship.' That's the best case scenario, but there is also the possibility that your partner is unwilling to accept your new boundaries or continues to ignore them. 'Now that you're seeing the pattern, it's okay to step back and ask: Is emotional safety and support present in this relationship for me?' says Hafeez. Only you can decide how much you're willing to look past, however, if you constantly feel unheard or as if your emotional needs don't matter, it could be time to end the relationship. The most obvious—and simplest—alternative to floodlighting is emotional pacing, a.k.a. gradually disclosing information as time goes on, says Kayanan. 'When you're talking with a person, you display or disclose a small amount of information at a time and you gauge the person's reaction,' she explains. Think of it like dropping emotional breadcrumbs that lead the other person to want to learn more about you (not to be confused with breadcrumbing, yet another toxic dating trend). Maybe they ask follow-up questions that allow you to fill in the gaps over time, Kayanan says. That can help ensure each convo is more of a give and take than a dump and deal with it. Another option: Instead of rushing full steam ahead into sensitive topics, you can check in with your date to see how deep they're comfortable getting with a new person, says Cohen. Say something like, 'That reminds of something pretty heavy I experienced, but I'm not sure we're there yet.' This way, you're acknowledging that you have more to share while giving the other person an opportunity to carry on the conversation or put a pin in it. To borrow a bit of dating wisdom from William Shakespeare: 'The course of true love never did run smooth," so if you want a lasting relationship, take the scenic route, not a shortcut to emotional intimacy. You Might Also Like Jennifer Garner Swears By This Retinol Eye Cream These New Kicks Will Help You Smash Your Cross-Training Goals
